When your girl vents about her problems, she doesn't want us to "solve" them?

[Anonymous]

So I've heard this a thousand times that when your girl comes home and she's venting about some problem she had in her day, she doesn't want me to provide solutions or "fix" them, she just wants me to listen.

Still I have to respond in some way so how should I reframe the situation in my head so that I know how I should respond?

"Aw sweetheart, that's horrible."

That is like a sympathetic response but seems uncaring or nonchalant?

So ladies, I understand you don't want us to solve your problems for you (in most cases) but how would you like your significant other to respond when you had a bad day?

TIA!

Updates

+1 y

Thank you for all the insightful answers!

One variable that I wanted to add to this question (admittedly, I should've mentioned this in the original question) is that I'm in a long distance relationship so when she is venting, we are on the phone.

[MrOracle]

Your girl wants you to tell her that her feelings are okay to have, and that you understand and support her. That's all she really needs.

Women often can't "let go" of their emotions and anxiety about situations until they've "shared" them with someone they trust, so that's what she's doing: sharing these things with you so that she can exercise her emotions, get it out of her system, and be able to relax and feel close to you.

Just listen to her and be supportive of her emotionally, and she'll start to feel better. She is NOT looking for a "solution", so if you give her one, she'll only be frustrated (she's NOT a man; solutions are what MEN want, not women). She just wants to know her feelings are valid (understandable and "okay to have") and that you support her. That's it. It's that simple, but until you understand this (and it's not obvious to a man), you'll always struggle to communicate with her or make her happy.

[JellyBeans77]

are u the oracle from matrix? :O huge fan! huge fan :D

[lumos]

Actually, women DO want solutions. It's just that we don't ALWAYS want solutions. Some problems don't need to be fixed. Sometimes we want advice, and sometimes we just want someone to listen.

[MrOracle]

Right, but FIRST, you want to be heard, and to feel better. Solutions come AFTER.

Guys generally only care about the solutions (for a guy, solving his problem is what makes him feel better about it), and so they assume that girls want solutions too, and skip right over the "listening and comforting" part, which is where they make their mistake.

[lumos]

Well yeah... who tries to give solutions to a problem without even knowing what the problem is all about? Haha :P
But yes. Otherwise I agree.

[kheserthorpe]

Most often when women complain they want their feelings validated and reassurance that you care. Women draw more comfort and strength then men do from their network of relationships.

Men tend to want to feel capable of solving problems. When a man shares troubles with another man, that men tends to give advice. Not only is that advice sometimes useful, it is also sending a message 'I believe in your ability to overcome this, perhaps just with a new strategy'. This helps men feel better.

Women tend to hear advice as 'hearing you complain about being sad is annoying. Let me fix things so I don't have to listen to your feelings'.

Try to imagine the 'problem' is that she needs to feel her emotions matter to you. What she is talking about is an opportunity for that. So your solution is to show you're listening by restating how she feels and assuring her that you care. Hold off on advice unless she asks.

[lumos]

Yeah, unless we're specifically asking for advice or asking for your opinion, we generally just want someone to listen to us vent and rant.
You don't need to say anything specific, just nod and agree with her. So, for instance, if she's ranting about a friend or a co-worker who has done something wrong, it's more than enough if you just nod, agree and maybe say "well, that wasn't very nice of them" or something like that. It depends on the situation, but for the most part you don't really have to say a lot of things in order to show that you care. Just listen intently and look at her when she talks, without shifting your attention to anything else. Even if you don't say anything, your body language will speak for you. You listening = you caring. It's as simple as that. No need to make it more complicated.

[kheserthorpe]

For men this IS complicated since it's not what out instincts say to do and not what would make men feel better coming from another man.

[lumos]

Sure, in that sense it might be complicated. But I meant that you don't actually have to do anything but listen, nod and agree, which in itself is not complicated at all.

[JellyBeans77]

totally agree with you oppaoppa

[kheserthorpe]

It's simple but hard for us to do :D

[lumos]

Hahaha :P smile and nod... so difficult! Argh!

[Asker]

"you don't really have to say a lot of things in order to show that you care"

See This is where I get confused because the above doesn't make sense to me. I'd think if I didn't say much, that would show that I didn't really care that much.

[lumos]

Body language. It's all about body language. As I said, listen intently and look at her when she's talking. Try not to break eye contact and try not to do other things while you're listening to her. Trust me, that's enough. Just listen to her talk, nod, agree. That's all you need to do, unless she specifically asks you what you think she should do.

[Asker]

Okay, how about on the phone? :)

[lumos]

Just listen. You can say "mhm" every once in a while, or as I said, something along the lines of "that was rude" or "I completely agree" etc. Just agree with her and side with her whenever she's ranting. It's not that difficult.

[Anonymous]

Hug her, kiss her head, side with her that her boss or coworker, brother, sister whomever is a creep for whatever it is thats going on. You could ask if she wants your advice or if she's got this handled and if she says she's got it, just be - well of course you do thats one of the thing I love about you. Women dont want you to fight our battles for us, just want you to be there while we handle it ourselves. You can joke "want me to kick his ass for you". Let her vent, say her stuff and for most women you will find that just letting it out helps them let it go and move on. And if you can pull off the support card, you as the emotionally connected man get bonus points to be reserved for a later date. If all else fails give her chocolate!

[XRabbitHeartX]

Just listen to me. Like really listen and tell me that everything will be okay or just say whatever feels right. We're not always expecting advice back but if you can give some feedback or make some suggestions that will be great too. But you don't have to give it if you don't have any and what just helps is having someone there to listen and care about you.

[Anonymous]

My gf is the same way. I vent a lot and sometimes she gives valid feedback and sometimes she gets sassy and get's annoyed. She says she doesn't know how she's supposed to respond and I've told her I don't need her to. I just want to vent to someone.

I honestly prefer if nothing is said. Maybe like, a hug or a rub on the back or a change of topic would be best (for me anyways)

ie: Wanna get some ice cream? Boom. I vented my issue, blew off some steam, and now ice cream is involved and my mind is off the negative and my SO doesn't have to think of ways to respond.

Maybe that's just me.

[Anonymous]

Inform her that there are solutions to problems. If she as a problem that is bothering her that much that she as to complain about it then she should try and solve the problem. If she is unwilling to try and solve the problem then that is her own fault. No one wants to hear someone bitch and moan about something that can be solved.

[Anon0001]

Personally I'd just like a hug and some empathy and compassion. I can solve my own problems but when you're down it's nice to have your guy hug you and say it will be ok.

[Distant]

Yes, girls are messed up like that. Just indulge them and pretend you care and, if you plan to fix it, do so without her knowledge or consent.

[harakiri]

Really, Skittle? REALLY? ><

[Distant]

It's true. Guys don't want to hear about your problems unless you have intentions on fixing them. Just talking about how you feel about something which is usually bad isn't something guys do.

So naturally when you bring your problems to a guy, he's going to assume you want them fixed. You can't blame us? Blame biology and societal influence.

[Distant]

No question mark after "us"*

[Mesonfielde]

You should probably just ask if they know what to do about it, or if they need any advice. Just to show you're there if she needs you. :P

[knotme]

No, you are there just for support, and say i understand honey, its ok, yeah that person is such a bitch

[Anonymous]

Sure. If she wants advice, she'll ask. We do generally enjoy other people's viewpoints and opinions, but we don't like them being pushed on us as the only truth.

[extraordinaryidiot]

All you have to do is pat her head and tell her how cruel the world is by sympathising with her.