My girlfriend puts me last?

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is a stupid question to ask since we are both in our 30's and are way too old for these stupid games but I'll ask anyway. We have been together for about a year and a half and during this time our only problems have been because of her inability to communicate, she always puts me last before her family, and does not ever go out of her way to do anything for me. I understand the family part and it is part of what I really admire about her but it has it's downsides. Due to our current situation we do not get to see a lot of each other. We basically only get to spend quality time every other weekend. I rarely see her during the week. The time that we spend together on the weekend is often cut short or canceled due to a family member needing her to babysit or nieces and nephews needing her help with something. We actually haven't argued about this in about 8 months because I have just been letting it slide. She can't ever make plans. She can't ever show up on time and if anyone in her family needs anything she suddenly cancels our plans and takes off. I recently had a birthday and since she doesn't have much money, all I told her I wanted was for us to go out and for her to spend the night. She agreed and said she could do that 2 weeks before my birthday. On the day of my birthday, FOUR hours before we were supposed to go out she called and said she will have to go home early and can't spend the night because her nephew needs something from her at 9 in the morning. I think it is great that she wants to be there for him but she had the opportunity to be there for both of us...it was just to difficult for her to be there for me. I live about 5 minutes from her house. She would have had to get up 5 minutes earlier in order to be there for her nephew but this was "too much of a pain in the ass" for her. I was very upset since she can never follow through with anything, and especially since it was by birthday. Planned 2 weeks ago and changed 4 hours before we were to go out. I do everything for her and constantly go out of my way to make her happy. I believe relationships should be give and take and each should be considerate of the others feelings. I am and obviously she is not doing a very good job at it. I have tried to talk to her about this but her only response is "my family will always come first" and "its a pain in the ass to get up and drive home". We had been talking about getting a house and getting married. Shouldn't I be just a little more important to her? Especially when I never ask her for anything but a little bit of her time every other weekend. Now she is playing the silent game because I got upset with her about my birthday. This is childish and our relationship will never go anywhere unless she learns to take my feelings into consideration and talk things through. I'm pretty sure I know the answer...get rid of her...but it's tough. She is a really great person...just likes to leave me hanging. Thoughts?

[sonic241928]

Don't feel stupid man. It's a good, worthwhile question. To make a long story short, the relationship isn't working out, and you recognize that. As far as I can see, there are three options for action on your part: 1) Confront her directly, 2) Play the same game, or 3) End the relationship. There are pros and cons to each. But the fourth option--letting things staying the way they are--isn't acceptable to you, and it shouldn't be.

Option #1 - You might be apprehensive about doing it, but you may have to put your foot down and let her know upfront that things aren't working out for you. You can let her know that it's great that she loves her family, but if she never has time for you, it's not a real relationship, and you shouldn't have to pretend like it is. Depending on her response, you can move on to option #2 or #3.

Option #2 - If YOU withdraw and suddenly don't have time for HER when she feels like it, it might wake her up to what she's doing. You have to make a woman value you. It seems like your "doing everything to make her happy" is leading her to take advantage of you. Like you said, responsible adults shouldn't HAVE to play games like this, but if you just get busy doing the things that you're into and happen to "ignore" her, it's not really a game. You have a life too--all you would be doing is living your life. You're only proritizing your own life as she has chosen to "prioritize" hers.

Option #3 - Yes, it's the last thing you want to do, the thought of doing so is painful. But you must ask yourself, if the relationship is going south, and there are irreconcilable differences, why let your life be dragged down further? Why continue to endure pain with someone who doesn't appreciate you, when there are other, more mature women out there who will? Imagine how much worse things would be if you got married, and she refused to change. If after you've tried your best to turn the tide, and nothing is happening, you should seriously consider bidding her Godspeed and moving on.

Best of luck man. It's hard, but consider carefully what you want out of your life, and how to best go about it in the context of acting on this broken relationship.

[tex151]

Sure it is important to be there for family, but there are other family members who can help out, I would get p*ssed off if every time I made plans with my girlfriend and she canceled due to family, now if she was the only one as in had a little brother or sister and didn't have a mom, dad, older sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent, that would be understandable if she had to take of her sibling, but you never mentioned that so I don't that's the case.

Why don't you go to her house when she has to babysit? I would also be p*ssed if I lived five mins away and for my bday all I wanted was for her to spend the night, and she said yes, and then 4 hours before she said she had to do something for her nephew, at that point I would have said why can't someone else do it, you knew that you were spending the night here, and if she would have said no I would have said ok bye get out if every time someone in your family calls and you go running, then get the hell out and don't come back, obviously it won't work out.

[Scarlettddz333]

Why the obsession with her family? Does she want a family of HER OWN? Maybe this is a sign? muhahaha. Ok. You need to communicate with her in a certain way. When you got mad about your bday you probably made her feel "wronged" right? She was probably left feeling like a child slapped on the wrist like she did something wrong. What you have to do is first make a list of all that you appreciate about her...take that list to her and FIRST say "Hey Girlfriend I just want to awknowledge you for always doing/being etc...". THEN say "you know I also wanted to talk to you about something..." and continue with saying "I see that you care about your family and I would like for us to spend more time together because right now the way things are, it's just not working for me right now". IF she freaks and says are you breaking up with me? Say "No I'm not committed to that. I'm just letting you know what works for me and what doesn't" REALIZE that I didn't say "but" after family but rather the word "and". Try to not say "but" but "and" and she will get less defensive. Come from the heart and let her know what works for you and give her a clear pic of how you would like things to be. ALSO create something new with her...say "from now one I would like to create "fun" and "freedom" and "romance" in this relationship or whatever concepts you think of. I know it sounds lame but wording has a lot to do with it. If you're not constantly creating something new and being the way that you want to be in a relationship, then that's when you get frustrated. Try to pinpoint your expectations also. Where there are expectations, there can be dissapointments so for yourself just clarify when you are expecting something and when she falls through on that hold her to account say..."hey I noticed that you backed out on my birthday. "What happened exactly? I know your family is number one but what can I do in the future to have you be there next time?" "and can I request that in the future you don't back out of plans together? " Let me know how this pans out Ok? :)

[HelloImHeartless]

Wow. Honestly, I feel you are absolutely right. She needs to put more effort into your relationship. I commend you for accepting that others will come first. It takes a big heart to accept that. But you two need to have a serious talk before you take the next step..especially THAT step (house/marriage). If you could tell her everything you just stated here, and tell her what you need from her, I think it could work. I understood everything clearly and concisely. You stated the problem with supporting facts and a solution to make your relationship better. I say tell her, and put the ball in her court to continue your relationship, or not. She has to understand there is only so much a person can take and that you have limits. As does she. If you aren't ready to end it yet, find some common ground and try to compromise with her.

[airiver]

Sorry to be so direct but maybe you're more into her than she is into you...? My family is very important to me and I have had to change plans on occasion to help one of them out but I don't allow that all the time...Her reasons and excuses are weak at best...If you love her and don't mind being at the back of the pack then more power to ya, but I think we all want relationships with substance...You live 5 minutes apart and can't find time to get together but every other weekend,? That's strange in it's own right? Best of luck.. Cheers!

[Asker]

Thanks for the answer. To make it short...she lives with her sister and brother-in-law. Until I loaned him money($1800), we had been friends for 20 years. He decided he didn't need to pay back a penny (its been 3 years) and is mad at me for continuously asking him to repay it. I don't go to her house anymore. Only every other weekend because I go to visit my son every other weekend. She feels obligated to watch their kids because she lives there. Main reason why our time is split so much.

[Anonymous]

I agree with Jayme, run. It sounds like you care for this person very much so exiting the relationship would be the hardest thing to do, but it would give you a golden opportunity to find someone who makes a _real_ effort for you. You need to be with someone who does as much for you as you do for them, I hate to quote Dr Phil but it's true what he says - relationships are 50/50, not 70/20 not 60/40. Whatever the reason your girlfriend puts unnecessary things before you, that reason does not matter - she has made up her mind and has had more than a year to deliberate it. You are with the wrong girl, you need to find the right one. It will be so hard, it will be really painful, just find something that interests you and occupies your time, a hobby, a sport, gardening, building models, whatever it takes to enjoy life, and slowly work in friends into your this time. Enjoy life, wait until you have moved on and no longer need this person, then go out there and look for mrs right. You're awesome, clearly a nice and thoughtful dude, and can articulate yourself and communicate well, trust me, you can get anyone.

[Jayme]

Run. Family problems do not go away. She isn't going out of her way to make you feel special. If she doesn't put you first now she probably never will. When I really love a guy I'll blow off a meeting with God to spend five more minutes with him. And if you marry her you marry the whole family. I'm sorry to be harsh but you deserve better.

[Anonymous]

hey dude let me know what happened? I am kind of in the same spot, but we are ib our early 20's. I actually broke up with her a year ago because at the time I was very insecure and she was like ur girlfriend too. She took a long time to answer my texts when i say a long time i mean 5 hours and she would always put everything else before me, but for some reason I thought it would be different, because I am not as insecure with my self as I was, but I find it difficult to be with her when she is still like this. I barely see her. I am lucky if I see her once a week and this week we were supposed to go out today, but she said her cousin was coming to town so ahe could not hang out with me today. It is really frustrating; however I have not comfronted her about this. I am planning to do so, next time I see her, but I need some input because honestly I am confused by her behavior.