How to deal with an avoidant girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

I was dating a girl for a while early this year, and this summer we broke up because of arguing, but for some reason we recently started hanging out again and things are much better between us now.

The thing is this girl is an dismissive avoidant. (She knows it herself, it's due to some childhood trouble) She can be incredibly intimate and in love with me for several days, have lot of sex and cuddle and flirt all the time, but then she shuts down and needs several days without even seeing me or texting me. If we have an argument, her way to deal with it is to withdraw and being alone, my way however is to cuddle and do something nice together.

It's hard to not take it personally, even though I know it isn't. My attachment style is secure, but I'm noticing I become somewhat anxious because of her behaviour.

She doesn't want to label us gf/bf because of the responsibilities that comes with it. We are however 100% exclusive (she wanted it), and we do romantic stuff, so we are basically gf/bf just without the label. I see a future with this girl, I think I even could say to her that I love her at this point (although I won't).

I really want to learn more about how avoidants think and feel, I think it will help me understand this girl better. Any avoidants who want to share their thoughts, or anyone with experience from being in a relationship with avoidant girls?

[dragonfly6516]

Its simple really: don't sell out. Don't settle for less than you want, because she's taking advantage of you.

Tell her straight up that you want a relationship, and not to be strung along waiting for her to figure out what she wants all the while still getting something out of it. If she can't oblige, then you need to walk away before you get hurt.

Then explain to her that as her boyfriend, you have a right to know that she's okay, and to have an open lime of communication.

But it honestly sounds to me like she's in no place mentally or emotionally to be dating anyone, and it might be in your best interests to just walk away.

My man is an avoiding type. He's been hurt a lot, and you cannot hust ignore problems, they don't just go away. Tough love. If she can't learn to face her fears, she'll never be happy. Just tell her, you'll fight for her, but you won't fight her. If she isn't ready to be with you, she doesn't deserve you.

[D0LLF4C3]

I'm avoidant. It's hard 😔 I either push people away or i make them jealous and possessive because they suspect something of me.

As time passes I open up more and those periods of time of being lovey and close are longer.

Just respect that if something happens she might need some space and that's because of her, not you.

It's nice to be able to be away from the situation, process and come back, level headed ready to love.

Be patient, be understanding and be respectful of how she feels. If you're really unhappy about something though do let her know. She might just take a little while to come back to you on that though aha.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your reply.

So even if you like someone very much and even the ones you consider your boyfriend, you can go from being really close and intimate one day to just going cold and needing some time away from the person without any apparent reason the next?

How do you want your boyfriend to treat you in those times, do you like him to send you a few texts or do you just want him to be quiet?

[D0LLF4C3]

Unfortunately yes 😔
It's not that we don't want closeness we do we just can't 😔

I would like that he respect my space and just check in on me with a text every now and then. But not be sat waiting for me to reply. You'll get used to that when she needs her space, you do your thing.

What I do like of a boyfriend and she may not be the same is when he drags me over for a cuddle. I'll probably never initiate cuddling or holding hands. But I like it if I'm sat at one end of the sofa and he just pulls me over and puts me in place for a cuddle. Same with a little spoon in bed too aha

[Asker]

Just reading this really helps a lot.

She seems to have issues with labels (bf/gf), and her explanation was that with labels comes certain expectations and it seemed like she was afraid I would be disappointed or hurt if she didn't meet those expectations. I think she has been in a previous relationship where that happened. It doesn't really matter to me what we call us, I just want to be sure it's not an excuse from her part to avoid commitment.

Is this something you recognize as well?

[D0LLF4C3]

That's not something I have personally felt but I do kind of understand where she's coming from.

As though it will change things and I don't know how old she is but in the past I've had things said to me which say "you should do this because you're my girlfriend" for example you should want to cuddle up and watch a film with me because you're my girlfriend. You should want to see me all the time because I'm your boyfriend.

Sometimes it just takes us longer to work things out.

In some ways it's nice she knows why she is how she is. I never understood it but always knew I was different, until recently when I learned about attachment styles and read in to them.

The hard part is... we tend to not be the best communicators of our feelings (to the ones we love that is) so your best thing to do would be maybe to google about relationships with an avoidant but also ask that she does the same so she can understand how some things will affect you too

[Anonymous]

She sounds like an extreme introvert with commitment phobia. Introverts need to recharge alone as other people and social situations drain their energy. As for the commitment issue that's either due to the childhood problems you mentioned (in which case time and a lot of effort will be necessary to overcome it) or she's keeping her options open and you are a bookmark so to speak (in which case detaching yourself from her is the best option) either way if she isn't ready for a relationship and you are, you need to leave. Maybe friends would be a better way to go.

[Asker]

She is an introvert when it comes to intimacy. It''s like she has to recharge her ability to be intimate and close to someone. She has told me about her childhood problems (it took a long time for her to open up about it) and even to this day she has serious issues with one of her parents. I don't really think she does this to keep her options open. I am ready for a relationship but at the same time it's not something i have to have right now. We are exclusive (by her demand) and we do gf/bf things several times a week, so if it's just the labeling she has a problem with it's ok for me. I know I'm a good catch for her as well so I doubt she is secretly looking for something better.

[madgoat]

Your going to need to assume it's nothing personal a lot. Which means you're going to have to find emotional strength and maturity within yourself instead of expecting it from her. It might sometimes feel like she feels nothing for you at all. All the while you are feeling fluffy about her. Can you do all that? Do you want to?

[Asker]

True. What you are saying is exactly what I've been thinking, and I have been asking myself if it's gonna be worth it.
But at the same time I'm thinkin it can be a good thing to be able to find the strength within myself instead of relying on her? I have been in a co-dependent relationship for several years, and I don't want a relationship like that again even though it was really good. I want myself to be more mature and independent, so maybe going through this stuff with her can help me become more like that.

[RGK28]

Ugh Yes!! I'm the same way-and Hand to God I always have some brand new way of pushing away anything going good!! Except my husband of 12 years, he has helped me in ways I can't even describe, just by being there even when all my actions or words indicated I wanted nothing to do with him. In the beginning he wasn't sure if I was playing games with him or if I wanted to make him jealous or if I was totally in love with him or what was going on in my head! He was a little suspicious of me to say the least-but through all these years he's loved me unconditionally and he is truly the only person in the world who will always be in my corner no matter what! It took me time to come around to that secure feeling I finally have with him but it was by my own doing. With his reassurance-loyalty-patience and loving me unconditionally, has really changed my whole outlook and attitude! I can only advise you to do what my hubby did, bc he has changed my life and I love him more everyday for it