Do women take rejection as a personal defeat?

[Anonymous]

[spuitkaas]

When I was young I did. Like at 14ish I was rejected by my crush and I didn't understand. Also a guy once said that he liked me, but not for long-term.
Now I don't take it personally at all. They can reject me for whatever reason.

For the question, I think it really depends on the girl. How old she is, how confident, but I think women are overall less rejected, so it's hard to tell. Men will learn how to deal with rejection more and therefore learn how to not take it personally. There are exceptions ofcourse like incels.

[Asker]

Thank you very much for your response

[Asker]

Take the Mho

[Amanda2]

It depends on how I’m rejected... if it’s honest and I wasn’t lord on fine. But to lie, sneak around and leave subtle cues for me to put 2 plus 2 together to arrive at a conclusion that’s just nasty, coward abs deceiving of him. I’ve been rejected so many times it’s not even funny. I handle it better goal wise than people wise, but I’m working on the latter

[Puppystarfish23]

The first time i was rejected i did find it really hard to wrap my head around it. Id never liked a boy as much as id liked this guy before. I usually always hide my feelings and im to nervous to amit i like someone. Warning this is a long story.

This boy was different so i believed. He always knew how i felt without even asking me, he always gave me his time and always wanted to be around me and listen and help. He was so kind to me and i was sure he had intense feelings too for me. It was undeniable but we both had extremely good chemistry and everyone around us as soon as we locked eyes knew we were gonna have something between us. We were like two peas in a pod and were extremely close.

Now looking back i see MASSIVE red flags which id excuse before because i liked him so much. We were planning on going to a escape room with everyone from work and i was still a little shy as id not been working at the company for long. He begged me to come and said it be no fun without me so i came along.

He told me the wrong address and i was on the opposite side of the city centre and had to walk in the dark and rain to get there. As id got there late id found out this guy id liked actually was fighting with another boy to be but in partners with me. I was super flattered at the time.

As soon as we finished he ignored me the rest of the night and left me with some randoms from another department. He said we'd walk me to my taxi but instead he went clubbing and nearly lost his virginity to some girl in the toilets. Leaving me waiting in the dark at 1am in the middle of the city wondering were he went.

I was super pissed mainly about the girl in the toilets and i told his friends i didn't like him anymore and that i was done with him. I was really hurt but then he came crawling back in again and i quickly forgave him because i loved him.

After that we were really good but still keeping it as friends only even though we both knew it was more than that. The Christmas party came along and the other boy who he was fighting with over me at the escape room kept buying me drinks and trying to get me drunk. He tried it on with me and i told him i knew what he was doing.

I tried telling the boy I liked so he'd help me get away from him but he kept calling his friends on his phone and ignored me. Eventually another boy saw and stopped him from following me around. Later on the boy i liked told me he wanted to talk in private but at the same time i was telling the guy who tried to take advantage of me but i don't fuck co workers.

This guy heard something and walked out and went home. I felt bad as he'd clearly misunderstood the situation and i was already drunk so i told all his friends but i actually really liked him so theyd tell him and he'd eventually amit he had feelings for me too.

The next day back at work i was super upset and embarrassed about everything that happened that night and then to make it better the guy i liked told all his friends he didn't like me back. It felt like id been stabbed in the heart a million times. I felt such a fool and after that my confidence was rock bottom. I felt stupid for being so cocky about him liking me back and so confused about everything he did and said to me.

What made it worse is that he acted as if everything was normal with us and we were still friends even when i obviously needed time away from him. He carried on playing his games.

I believe he did love me back but his ego got the best of him and he's no longer the boy i once loved. Feels like the old him is dead and he let bad people influence him to much.

Luckily i have amazing boyfriend now who doesn't play mind fuck games with me.

[Puppystarfish23]

I was pretty insecure before i met him and he made me feel good about myself for a while till he did a u turn and started treating me like utter shit. I started to believe i wasn't good enough for anyone and i was to ugly and stupid too be loved.

Id look for male validation in all the wrong places just to make myself feel a little less depressed. I don't know why but it just flicked a switch in me and i was no longer the happy, sweet, innocent, navie girl anymore and even if I've moved on i still struggling believing i deserve love and that im good enough.

[Puppystarfish23]

There's more to still story than just what i said too by the way if you think im being over dramatic. If i went through everything we'd ne here all day

[VIVANT]

I do not. I see it as an ooorrunry to move on from someone I’m not comparable with. And in not being compatible as a potential partner, why is that persons opinion of me as a potential partner valuable? It isn’t.

in my opinion this is why you should this wait too long. Rejection should feel like information not loss. Make a move before you get attached. In this way you are simply assessing the validity of the situation and the lack of ability toward growth. It won’t cut into your feelings which get tangled up in emotion.

I think people can feel bad for losing something they don’t even need bc they just got too used to the idea of having it.

Also those of us who don’t walk around assuming everyone must and or is going to like is, rejection is much easier.

I don’t think women take rejection any diff than men. In that gender is not a determining factor in how you handle not getting what you want. People with healthier outlooks on life will tend to Internalize and or project significant of rejection within themselves or into others, less. There will be plenty overlap of gender bc we all have varied life experience.

An outgoing daring woman and man professional a furs or sakes person who all have to deal with rejection a lot, will have more in common with a quiet solitary librarian who prefers the company of books to people, of the same gender respectively.

[VIVANT]

Opportunity*

[blondfrog]

"in my opinion this is why you should this wait too long. Rejection should feel like information not loss. Make a move before you get attached. In this way you are simply assessing the validity of the situation and the lack of ability toward growth. It won’t cut into your feelings which get tangled up in emotion." Well the down side to that is it takes way longer for women to become attached to a guy and if you ask her before getting attached to her then you will almost always get rejected.

[TheorionMage]

From firsthand experience, I'd have to say 'yes'... I've only ever had to turn away three women and vin each case NONE of them took it well. Western women are raised to believe that for males ANY sexual opportunity is irresistible and therefore if they're turned down, something is wrong with them personally.

In the first instance, a special young woman offered herself after a preceding evening's flirting. I, was just recovering from being jilted by my long term 'steady' and still fixated upon her. I tried to explain that if I couldn't give her my BEST attentions, she didn't deserve my 'second best'. She took it wrong, that she wasn't 'enough', dressed and stormed off.

In the second, we were at cross-purposes. She was much younger and inexperienced. She was 'smitten' and it wouldn't have been able to emotionally endure a 'friends-with-benefits' learning experience. /it would not have been to corrupt her own emerging feminine style.

In the last, while I was in an open marriage, my wife's co-worker made it very clear she wanted to jump my bones. With such potential to screw up my wife's work environment, I had to decline.

[Anonymous]

Yes. You ever reject or dump a woman they hound you, they can't accept it
I turned down a woman once thinking she was asking me out, she stalked me until we started fucking. Another girl I dumped I just couldn't get rid of her, she kept coming around to my place, I just started to ignore her and play xbox, stopped shaving or showering and still wouldn't go away. All because I dumped her. She used to follow me on dates. After sex with a one night stand who left that night, I awoke to find her in my bed naked giving me a handjob and then she rid on top of me.

[Asker]

Wtfff! You have my condolences for what you have had to go through, and it's just disappointing how some women can't take no for an answer. Hope you're okay

[Opinion Owner]

Its my fault for continually having sex with them when offered.

[hi_it_is_me123]

Ok this bad but you should not have sex with them aka play with their feelings

[Opinion Owner]

@hi_it_is_me123 when you wake up with a hot naked woman jerking you off its hard to refuse

[hi_it_is_me123]

This is not an excuse.

[Cmoreins]

I dont take it as personal defeat, but rather as as time not wasted playing games, respect (on his end) for his time (and mine), and not a missed opportunity. My world won't end because a man says no.

[Asker]

I respect and agree with this viewpoint very much, unfortunately not all women think like this.

[Cmoreins]

Yes, could speculate all day, but I think it could roll into sadness because of insecurity or madness because of arrogance/narcissism. Many reasons why, but I feel bad for the two types I mentioned. Insecurity could be from neglect and now always chasing for someone to show them that they're worth being with, trying to prove it, but pushing men away. Or arrogance because they were never told no or given reality checks. Many ideas, just sad to think about what could be behind their actions.

[Yads_Is_Back]

Nice post 👍🏼

[Cmoreins]

@Yads_Is_Back thank you 😊

[NamerOfStars]

Some do- it's culturally accepted for women to ask guys out (more than it used to be, anyway), and that's a good thing, but it's not expected. Couple that with media always depicting men as insatiably horny and willing to have sex with anyone female who crosses their path, and you wind up with a lot of women who get devastated when they get rejected. They CAN learn from it and move on, but that doesn't mean that an individual WILL.

[Anonymous]

Most women don’t get rejected in the same way guys do because we normally don’t approach. We do however, get approached, fawned over, and have guys have sex with us leading us on to believe they want a relationship when they don’t. These guys can be talking to us for months and even years, say contradicting things like I love you, all the while never intending to commit to us. This is a form of rejection far worse than guys approaching random girls for the first time as you’ve actually become accustomed and even in some case fallen in love with the person only to get heartbroken.

[NoUsername9]

No offense, but you really shouldn't sleep with anyone who says "I love you." I mean unless you're certain and you both agree this is long term and would lead to marriage, don't do that. Just my opinion.

[neidabakedd]

I see you’re not understanding her. Men will have you thinking you will be something eventually. When really as soon as they find someone else they can take advantage of they will leave like cold turkey or you’ll be another option

[Bananaman177]

So in other words, "Don't slut-shame women for looking and acting like sluts, but when they get used and thrown away like a slut, then you should feel really, really sorry for them."

LOL. So typical. "Well we actually suffer way more than boys, we deserve so much credit for suffering even though we simultaneously do it to ourselves and also blame men for putting us through it."

[Opinion Owner]

@Bananaman177 I am a virgin. I get pressured by men all the time to have sex but I actually wish to save myself for marriage or unless I believe it’s a serious relationship. Guys have lead me on thinking it’s a serious relationship saying “we will get married one day, have kids blah blah” but with no action. Also those same guys have them contradicted themselves saying they’re not ready for a relationship. This actually happens to lots of women not just me. The girl thinks there will be a relationship when the guy really just wants sex.

[Cynicaldreamer]

I've been rejected and friendzoned so much, it doesn't really phase me anymore.
I've come to realize I'm not everyone's cup of tea; and that's okay.

It sucks, but that's life: everyone gets rejected. I don't like it, but I get over it.

[TOB93]

This is my same exact sentiment.

[screaming_doorknob]

I hope you will feel better soon ^^

[prince350]

Very very often - even if it is autorejection and not any level of rejection at all, most women will take it as a hidden act of agression (perhaps because they act this way and hence assume it was deliberate)
I had simple wait periods deflate my enthusiasm with someone in the last few days - it is back on track, but had I been a vindictive female, I could have made it into drama of cosmic proportions.
Most girls grow up being so pandered to, that they consider any disruption to the supply of comfortable attention an act of violence.

[AlienParasite]

I think it's not really a gender matter, is more about experience dealing with rejection and patterns of personality. Men and women who have experienced rejection many times might deal better. So do those who have an assertive personality, regardless of experience with rejection. But people who have never been rejected before and are used to always get what they want might take it too personally. Also people with low self-esteem might get aggressive or depressed when rejected.

[TOB93]

Most don't and maybe that's why women are a lot less vocal about it than men. Personally for me I've been rejected and friendzoned and also used to get closer to my more hotter friends all throughout gradeschool. Im use to it even though as an adult it has caused me to move a bit more differently and not tolerate just anyone and anything. People are allowed to go after and accept what they desire. It's their right to do so. It is what it is.

[Swe_Elin]

I don't, and if a girl does - she has way to high hopes for herself.

[Asker]

Interesting. Let's say you do get rejected, what would be your typical reaction?

[Swe_Elin]

I smile and then mind my own business haha, I'm proud to be me - and I accept whatever comes along.

[Asker]

What on earth is this? I assumed otherwise 😂😂. This is relieving

[Asker]

Thanks for your response

[ColHathi]

High hopes how? 🤔

[Swe_Elin]

ColHathi, well If a girl (or boy) take a rejection as a defeat, the self value is way over the chart. In short, the hopes was higher than the reality.

[ColHathi]

Seems to me it'd be the complete opposite. My self value is terrible. Someone rejecting me makes me feel like I'm worthless garbage. If that isn't personal defeat, I don't know what is. Meanwhile someone that thinks highly of themselves would have all the confidence in the world, and wouldn't care if they got turned down. They might think the other person is wrong for rejecting them, but they're just gonna move on to the next person. I don't think they'd care at all.

[courtney06]

I usually do. I’m trying to grow out of that. I wish I was taught confidence at a younger age so this came more naturally. I think I handle it better and more maturely now, but I have a long way way to go because I still “feel” defeated even if I try not to show it.

[courtney06]

Oh you asked “women”. I can’t speak for other women. Some women do, some don’t, some are in-between. It’s depends on the woman.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

It depends on the woman. As for me, I never did. Sure, it stung a little, but I was able to move on. If the guy was nice about it, I respected him for it and appreciated both his niceness and honesty. The time I was very harshly rejected and the guy went out of his way to be an ass about it just to be hurtful, I just saw it as him doing me a favor.

[wkozak]

I don't know, i remember i rejected my classmate 10 months ago but i told her that may i will choose her when i feel i'm ready for a serious relationship and we still talk as normal beside she still want me and have the hope that i will do something in the future specially when i don't want to regret.

[pigoat]

The only ones who said "yes" are anonymous and those could just be men pretending to be women

The women who said "no" are use to being rejected LMAO

This question might be for women who are use to getting what they want usually

[AmandaYVR]

Of course.
And they're extremely risk-adverse.
And they fall back on traditionalism and "guys are the ones who do the asking" because it suits them not having to take a risk initiating.

[VIVANT]

Hey take it easy on the “ they” 😅

[AmandaYVR]

@VIVANT "The majority of females" then.

I know by the comments daily on gag, and the slew of questions pinks post about whether asking a guy out is "desperate", and the almost unanimous responses from guys who want girls to start asking guys out, that girls do not want to do it, and for the most part are not doing it.

Girls, want to know how to ask a guy out? ↗

The Personal and Societal Benefits of Girls Taking the Initiative With Guys in Relationships ↗

[VIVANT]

You really loaded up on painting women as weak minded from a few gag posts. I was being light hearted about it initially, but the doubling down is odd.

[ChiTown33]

I have to agree with Vivant here. Of course the majority of women are going to say they'd rather guys ask them out. They risk NOTHING that way. Lol
What i find comical is the ones that use guys having testosterone as their being able to handle rejection better. That's nonsense it hurts whatever gender you are.

[ColHathi]

@VIVANT Well I don't think anybody's saying women are weak minded, are they? But in my opinion, it is a problem, and I kinda feel strongly about it too. I can understand the doubling down.

[Bluemax]

@AmandaYVR
That's food for thought about the risk aversion. Women are more likely to want to feel safe. They are more likely to avoid risk. I never thought about it in terms of why they don't ask men out as much as the other way around.

I've heard reasons such as, "Well, it's a test to see how well he reads me," or "It's a test of courage." Maybe. But how well someone reads another and courage can all be easily tested other ways. I'm starting to agree with you. In general, women are more risk averse.

When I asked women I trust why they don't ask guys out, they never reply "It's a test." They have *always* replied "because we don't have to." If the shoe were on the other foot, I doubt men would be any different.

And being passed over is not at all the same as being directly rejected. There is *far* less room to maneuver the mind into coping mechanisms when rejected unambiguously and directly as opposed to being passed over.

[Bluemax]

I wouldn't hold my breath that it will change in my life time... or a hundred lifetimes.

[ChiTown33]

@Bluemax i disagree with you on the risk adverse. Most women i know are borderline adrenaline junkies. Believe me they're not risk adverse. Like i say it's just another excuse they use. Lol

[Yads_Is_Back]

I don’t. Can’t speak for other women. But clearly a lot of men do!

[Yads_Is_Back]

I don’t even see why people take rejection as personal defeat. That doesn’t even make sense to me.

[xJeremyx]

because a lot of men take rejection as a hit to their ego. They start thinking "im not good enough". When in actual fact most of the time you just ain't their type. Either that or you suck as a person.

[xJeremyx]

which is a stupid way of handling rejection really

[Yads_Is_Back]

@xJeremyx Yeah, the ego/conceit thing is real lol

[Bluemax]

@xJeremyx
I don't know anyone who takes it like, "I'm not good enough." I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm just saying I don't know anyone like that in real life. I *do* however know people who take it as "I'm not attractive to this person." In fact, virtually everyone I know takes it exactly this way, which is not at all the same as "I'm not good enough."

[Bluemax]

@yads_is_back
I actually don't understand people who say, "I don't take rejection personally."

Logically it most decidedly *is* personal! Every woman I've ever rejected was because of something personal about her. Always.

When we reject someone, we're really saying "I find some characteristic intrinsic to you unattractive/offputting." That *is* personal. Now, I get that we should try not to interpret it as "I find some characteristic intrinsic to you as unattractive/offputting and therefore so does everyone else in the world." That's wrong and won't serve a person well to think that.

However, if I reject someone it's because I don't like their personality, their intelligence, their background, their looks, their character, etc. All of these things *are* personal, and I don't see how it could be seen as otherwise.

This is why I never tell someone not to take rejection personally. I tell them, "You will recover. Try again with someone else."

[blondfrog]

I've never met a woman who accepted rejection. So is it safe to say all the women attracted to me had a mental illness or were just bat shit crazy?

[Yads_Is_Back]

@blondfrog I don't know, but we don’t all take it that way. It’s a simple rejection and there are a lot more fish in the sea 🤷🏻‍♀️
A lot of guys who have asked me out were the same way about me rejecting them: very stinky attitude and stuck up response. It’s like well thanks for showing my point and I’m glad I rejected you!

[blondfrog]

I'd say that's different in that last sentence. They just give you that defensive response because you rejected them. As a way to pretend you didn't reject them they "reject you back" but we all know there is no such as that lol. Yeah I admit most guys can't handle rejection either, but in my experience and least there are a few guys who can handle it where as with women its almost non existent.

[Yads_Is_Back]

@blondfrog Then we just have the opposite experience. I think GAG agrees with my side too. Lol

[blondfrog]

No I mean I was contesting that you have never been rejected before then lol. Rejection is if you were to make the first move on the guy or asked him out and he said no. What I was saying is that what those guys did to is that you rejected them they didn't reject you. I agree with everything else you said. Hence why I liked your opinion cause I rarely do that for anyone.

[Yads_Is_Back]

@blondfrog Yeah, except for my first love, who rejected me for a whole six years. But he did end up giving me a chance and becoming my first love :) went to Senior Prom together and everything. But no, nobody else has rejected me. Even if it was to happen, though, it's not something to take so personally. Plenty of fish in the sea. I still see guys being sour about it a lot more.
by the way, Happy Thanksgiving ( a day early ) :)

[blondfrog]

Got yah well I in that one scenario yes you got rejected. I think people just see the other gender taking it worse cause they dont see how their own gender acts due to not being attracted to that gender. Yes happy Thanksgiving to you.

[Bluemax]

"But no, nobody else has rejected me"

OK, this reminds me of something. I like studying the Civil War, so bear with me with this analogy. A lot of historians look at Confederate General Lee as a brilliant military leader... and for the most part he was. Indeed, historians make a lot about how Confederate generals were often able to outmaneuver Union generals. This has led to many believing that Lee and other Confederates were superior officers. However, one of the leading Civil War historians, Shelby Foote, points out that this was probably due to advances in muskets exceeding the advances in tactics. He also points out that on the occasions Lee and other Confederate generals went on the offensive, they fared no better than their northern counterparts.

[Bluemax]

This does make me wonder about women handling rejection better than men. It could very well be that they handle it better simply because they face a LOT less of it. I generally don't believe facing rejection more necessarily makes us better at it. Indeed, for many it has the opposite effect. Many psychologists have expressed that repeated rejection makes one weaker, not stronger. Nietzsche wasn't entirely right on this one. That which does not kill you, when repeated again and again, can break you.

As for women being rejected MUCH less than men (and being passed over isn't the same as rejection), there is very little question of this.

[Bluemax]

I've asked this question myself and seen it asked on GAG multiple times. "How many times have you been rejected?" The results were the same. Most women had been rejected less than a dozen times. Most men on the other hand responded they'd been rejected 4 to 10 times that much.

I have to wonder if the men are the Union and the women the Confederates. I have to wonder if women faced rejection at the same rate men did, would they really fare any better at it?

[Yads_Is_Back]

@Bluemax Good inquiry. I don't know. I don’t think I personally would, but women as a whole probably would, based on the things you just provided. I just don’t take that stuff personally. But who knows? That’s not the situation.

[Bluemax]

"But who knows?"

Ah, you are very honest, Yads! We often think we would know for certain how we'd behave in a bad situation, but really we don't know for certain, and I admire your admission of that.

I call it the "Saving Private Ryan in a Theater Syndrome" (SPRTS). When the movie came out, I saw it several times. It's the best movie set in WWII that I can think of. Any rate, I recall how almost every time I watched it in the theater, there was always some irritating prick who kept a running commentary on what *he* would do in that situation, or at least what the characters. I wanted to tell these idiots, "It's one thing to watch D-Day going in the safety and comfort of a theater. It's *QUITE* another thing to actually be there!"

And people very often do this in most aspects of life! *I* know how to raise your child perfectly. *I* know exactly what to do in this relationship crisis. *I* know the perfect solution to this work problem. Etc.

Very often, no, you don't.

[AD240pCharlie]

This is something everyone does. The cultural attitude we have as a society (we live in a society) is that if you get rejected, it's because of you. Not because you were simply incompatible, or because you're not their type, but because YOU are not worthy of their attraction. YOU are the one who's not good enough. Therefore, when someone gets rejected by a person they like, their mind is immediately going to get defensive.

[Gentlemanlover100]

I'm a very polite & considerate of other's feeling's especially when it comes to telling a woman I'm not interested in the most respectful way so when I say there's no good way to tell a woman you're not interested please believe me! lol Its not just women though they're a lot of men that can't handle rejection & take it personally.