Was this something too personal to ask?

[Anonymous]

I met this lady on discord that writes smut romance novels and I found out she's married.

I've never been married or had sex. So I asked her what it's like being married. And she said it's a journey.

Then I said that she writes really good sex scenes in her stories and is that how it is in real life like without obviously revealing her own personal experiences and she was appalled by my question and she was like, "I'm not going to reveal my sex life with my husband."

And I didn't mean like that and this other lady commented and she was like these are inappropriate questions and then they just kicked me out of the discord group. I feel misunderstood I didn't mean it in that way...

Updates

+1 y

I also apologized to them a lot. I said I didn't mean it that way but I'll leave them alone. I feel like such an idiot I don't know why it's so hard for me to make friends

Updates

+1 y

Thank you to everyone that answered. Especially everyone with their words of encouragement and reassurance. I'm truly grateful to you all and blessed by your kindness! :) I wish I could choose you all for mho but please know that you guys helped me a lot. I would also just like to apologize for how I wrote my question. I was really upset since my grammar and punctuation went right out the window 😆. But I'm happy that you still understood me.

[SteveSmith1985]

No... it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong at all! You were clearly misinterpreted (although why she/they took it that way is beyond me).

This seems to me, to be a very regular, acceptable question. You basically asked: "To what degree do the sex-scenes in your writing drawn from your personal, real-life experience".

That's a legitimate question... for someone writing sex-scenes!

It was HER choice to interpret that to mean: "Please disclose the details of you sex life, and how they compare to the sex scenes in your books".

That's not what you asked. That's not how she should have interpreted that.

AN acceptable answer on her part, could be all kinds of non-revealing things. She could have said something vague like: "Yes, I would say that it's a combination of what sex is really like, combined with elements of fantasy."

or

"Sex in real-life is never as 'perfect' as it is in the scenes I write. Nor should it be. There's a heavy element of fantasy and unreality in the scenes I write.

These people are treating you unfairly. I'm sorry. I don't know that there's anything you can do about it. But I think you're right. 🙂

[Asker]

Your comment is amazing. Thank you so much for helping me feel better. I'll be honest I didn't feel welcomed in that discord group they would just ignore me and they all seemed like a giant group of friends and writers who didn't want to make anymore friends even though they invited me to their server.

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, because you really have no cause to feel like you were wrong. It sounds like this was indeed an especially unwelcoming environment full of 'insiders'.

I hadn't read your 'update' when I wrote my original reply. That update hurt my heart. I hope you're no longer feeling like an idiot (with everyone here confirming you didn't act like one). But more importantly, I really hope you don't let this discourage you when it comes to making friends.

What I mean is; DON"T take this experience as evidence of your inability to make friends. This is not a case of you saying something inapropriate, and ruining a chance at making new friends. That is not what happened. What happened is, you stumbled on a clique of catty bitches. These people are not who you even WANT as friends. That's basically what their ridiculous reaction should tell you.

But going forward, don't go thinking that this means ANYTHING. It doesn't.

It makes me really mad that you were treated this way, if you've had a hard time making new friends. It's ridiculous, but in your case it risks being genuinely hurtful and discouraging. It can easily make you question if there's something wrong with YOU. There isn't. There is something wrong with THEM. Please try and keep that in mind 🙂

[Anonymous]

Lol a lot of fucking people who get their feelings hurt easily. I mean she has to get the inspiration from somewhere so sure why not ask. It could be the reason why she’s so good at writing as you say or it could be a complete flop in the bedroom that that’s what she wishes would happen in the bedroom. She could have just said I’m sorry I don’t wish to talk about my relationship w my husband in that manner. Rather than just getting upset so quick, not even giving you a chance to explain what you meant. Fuck her. I get what you mean.

[FilmGuy93]

So... it sounds like the "like without obviously revealing her own personal experiences" part wasn't so obvious. You probably didn't phrase things as concisely as you could or should have. You have to understand that women especially on the internet, are insanely pedantic and anal-retentive about word choice.

I got chewed out by r/askwomen and reposted to r/iamthedevil because I asked women if there was a socially appropriate way I could ask the ex-girlfriend of one of my former friends, about why I had a falling out with the group. I just assume that the problem is how I phrased things because nothing about my question was boundary-stepping or forceful in any way. I just got told I was an asshole a thousand times and was reminded that "she doesn't OWE me anything."

[Jamie05rhs]

People on Reddit have serious mental illness.

[FilmGuy93]

@Jamie05rhs yes they do! I’m not too sure why so many crazies gravitate there, but Reddit seems to be a magnet for that sort of person.

[Jamie05rhs]

@FilmGuy93 A lot of them are on Twitter, too. Lol
(And former employees of Twitter.)

[bubblegunnn]

U r a girl right? U both are.. its kinda make sense if u r a guy and asked such question then got kicked out.. but since y'all both r female, hmmm.. maybe she just misunderstood ur q and what she wrote on her story doesn't mean its all her sex life w her husband.. maybe it just her fantasy, or random thoughts.. not all female comfortable to tell about their sex life w their partner, there's also female who doesn't feel comfortable tho.. you shouldve not asked her that way tho, she felt like u judge her story as her sex life w her husband irl.. thats why before it goes too far, she stopped it and ended with kicked u out.. im sorry about that.. just be careful to people who u dont know their personality, sometimes people misinterpret our thoughts even tho we didn't mean to..

[bubblegunnn]

Thatsa good of u if u apolgize to them.. thats the right thing u had done tho

[Asker]

Yeah I didn't mean it to come off that way. I'm naive, I've never done anything sexual wise so I was like asking because I am curious myself and she seems experienced being married and everything. But I wasn't trying to be this weirdo

[bubblegunnn]

Yes gorl i got what u mean.. its all just misunderstood.. she dont know about u, neither urself.. y'all just stranger, and she doesn't want to tell private things w stranger.

Its ok, u apologized already tho

[Aerissa_Jade]

I don't think you did anything wrong, if it went down how you said it did... just make a new account, go read the stuff you want and don't talk to them again.

She likely read into your question (some people do that) as others have probably asked her details of her personal sex life before.

She just assumed you were one of them and blew up at you.

Don't take it personal. If you want access to that website to read more stuff, then make a new account and don't talk to her.

No worries about making friends, your on GAG should be easy enough here. I have lots of friends, its all good.

[Anonymous]

Interesting that someone who writes smut would have such a reaction to your question. Tbh I wouldn’t worry about it. You should be part of a healthy community and to me they sound like mean girls. You’re better off.

[Asker]

But I mean was I out of line? Like that wasn't a normal question to ask?

[Opinion Owner]

That specific thing doesn’t sound like cause to block and kick you out. I don't know if there’s been anything else that happened to out, but based on just this it seems very clique mentality. I’m sure nothing we say can console you rn if you’re feeling mortified and upset, but don’t beat yourself up. You know it was harmless and I’d they don’t even care to hear your side then screw them. Don’t over apologize, there’s no need for that. There are better people out there to befriend.

[Asker]

You know now that you've said it, it does feel like cliquey mean girls group. I'm an introvert so it's hard for me to make friends and I thought woah hey this lady the same out that freaked out over my question invited me to a discord group because I would comment on her stories telling her how much I like her romance stories. But when I joined that discord group no one was really nice on there. I was barely in that server for a day before I acknowledged this uncomfortable feeling.

[Asker]

Well I'm a psych major and I'm getting my master's next semester. And this lady who lives in Canada (which I don't even know too much about Canada laws and all that lol) this lady was venting about her husband being crazy and wanting to kill people. She said that he's on these pills and stopped taking them for some type of mental disorder. I asked what mental disorder does he have because maybe I could give my expertise since my career is in mental health. And the writer that freaked out over my question was like, "That's a bit personal thing to ask. She doesn't need to reveal that." And I said "oh sorry my bad I'm a psych major so I was only trying to help but nvm." And that was the only little thing before basically it all blew up.

[Asker]

Also the first day I joined everyone did seem nice they all welcomed me to the server. And I asked what they all do like if they go to school or work. They all told me their occupations we talked about it. Then I revealed I'm going to school for mental health and they were all like "don't psychoanalyze me I already know I'm messed up." They were all like making a big deal out of it though I don't know if they were joking or serious it's hard to tell over text lol. And I said to them, "Don't worry I would never do that." And then one person said to me, "I never said that you would do that." I don't know maybe because it was over text it's hard to tell the awkwardness and hostility. I felt like it was aggressive so I changed the subject and I was like "Hey I'm just a potato 🥔." To diffuse the weirdness and make it lighthearted lol. Sorry I'm telling you all this random sorry I don't know why I'm telling you all this.

[Opinion Owner]

It’s super clique-y. I don't know if the group is based around that author and her stories, but surely she gets put up on a pedestal and everyone else is so desperately trying to be her friend that they treat her like a god and do what she wants. She invites women to the group under the guise of meeting others and comradery when really you are just another number and fan. Another boost to her ego. I’m sure you would’ve worked your way up to actually being acknowledged as a “friend” but that would come after a lot of sucking up. I was in a discord group like that for less than a week before I quietly left. I am not a fan of the sheep mentality and god-complex amongst these sort of women.

[Opinion Owner]

And my whole point is saying all that is to further add that you are so much better away from that toxicity. The author treated you as disposable because she isn’t worried about making friends, there’s already so many people trying to gain a position in her life based off these stories she writes. This is how it goes with anyone getting recognition, from small time writers like her, to influencers and celebrities. Right now I’m sure it’s upsetting, especially if you have a hard time making friends, it’s usually rough as you get older. But you’ll find the right people, who you don’t have to tiptoe around and a connection can flow easily.

[Anonymous]

It's likely that your question hit a nerve because her sex life with her husband was non existent and perhaps her writing was a way of expressing this. Thus your question only left her with two choices:

1) Admit the sex life with her husband was non existent.

2) Lie (but she would know the truth).

Thus she chose to eject you from the group to avoid facing the truth. The anger she felt was misdirected. That's how I see it anyway...

[OlderAndWiser]

I don't think their response was warranted but, in general, it is a mistake for a sigle guy to try to discuss sex with a married woman.

[Asker]

I'm a girl

[OlderAndWiser]

My mistake. And I'm usually good at knowng the difference between women and men!

That makes her reaction even more bizarre!

[Asker]

It's cool no worries 😆 your opinion made me smile and laugh so your opinion helped

[Jamie05rhs]

Oh my gosh. No, honey; you didn't do anything wrong!!
They were just overly sensitive.
I'm sorry they kicked you out. That's messed up. They really overreacted.

[Asker]

They all blocked me from the website where you can read the stories. I only talked to her a couple of times, you sure I wasn't out of line? Like she basically doesn't know me

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your opinion you really made me feel way better

[Jamie05rhs]

You are welcome!

And they blocked you from the site as well? Wow. That was extreme and excessive.

And no, you were not out of line. It was a legitimate question. If you had asked me that same question, I would have answered it! (Even though I'm not married yet. Haha)

[Jamie05rhs]

And you are NOT an idiot! 💜

[Anonymous]

They did that because they thought you were a guy. I would be money on it. Welcome to our world.

[Asker]

Being a guy is hard then.

[Summeroflove]

Then tell her what you meant

[Asker]

I did but she didn't listen she wrote me off right away. It's too late now though she blocked me and well I don't want to talk to her anyway

[Summeroflove]

Asked seems like it’s a her problem

[Summeroflove]

*Asker