Is it normal for a woman to remain friends with a man for over 20 years?

[Anonymous]

I have a female friend that I've known since 2001. We met while stationed on the same Air Force base. I was the first person she really met there and showed her around the base. We were very close and honestly still share a great deal of that intimacy now. Even now we talk at least weekly. I never attempted a relationship with her because I honestly never thought she was into me in a romantic way. Lately I've been questioning the nature of her feelings toward me because she's been talking to me a lot about wanting to have a baby and get married. She never talked to me about anything relationship related before now and she also keeps making comments like "most guys are on some bs but you never seem to act that way" or just generally comparing other mens behavior to mine and always leaning in my favor. I've always wondered why she has held on to our friendship for all these years because we had a whole crew with other men that we hung with and she didn't stay in touch with those guys, just a few of the girls. I only have one other longtime female friend and she was my very first girlfriend. I don't know what to think about this. Is it possible that she may want me or at the very least see me as a model for what she wants in a husband or am I buggin?

[SueShe]

It is perfectly normal to remain friends with a person of the opposite gender, not only for 20 years but for a lifelong IF you make it clear from the start that this friendship will solely remain platonic and that no romantic feelings whatsoever should come in between that friendship. Romantic feelings are a friendship killer.

Now, my assumption is that she does respect you perhaps more than other men that she was in close quarters with because you also respected her and did not make any attempts to be "romantic". I am fully aware that, given the constellation of an army base, this is a bit more problematic for most people that are driven by their testosterone, mainly at a younger age.

I believe that she takes you more as a role model than someone that she is infatuated with. You don't give us her age but if you are in the age group 36-45 and she is in the same age group, then her time to have a family is running away at fast paces.

But it could also be that she is hinting that you are the right person because you respected her and that she appreciated your decency. The only way to find out is to ask her directly. There is probably no way around it. Good luck.

[Asker]

We are both turning 40 this year actually.

[SueShe]

Then she does realize that she is at the limit of safely have children and that she is hinting that you could be the right person. However, this condition is not something that should have you make hasty decisions that you (or her) may regret later in life.

It is one thing to talk openly about it but something entirely different to make such an important decision on the spot. Carefully weigh the pros and cons and if you feel even remotely hesitant, then don't commit.

[Asker]

I'm certainly in no rush myself. I am just asking here before I do ask her directly to get a feel for how she may respond be it negative or positive. The fact that this is the first time she's even brought this type of conversation to me is the main reason why this is confusing me. In 22 years, we've never talke about such things. I don't want her coming after me as a last ditch effort to quiet her biological clock though. If there is something there I need it to be real not just her settling.

[SueShe]

Trust your gut feeling. If you have the slightest doubt, then retreat. It could very well be that she is testing how you would respond to this situation and if you give her any hint that may sound positive to her, then she will hang onto you.

You must be familiar with the "5 Ss and T" questioning technique". Apply that to her to make your final decision.

[Asker]

I don't know what that is but I haven't changed. I just discuss what she brings up with her and share my perspectives as I always have. I know she's revisiting the subject multiple times so I don't think my perspectives are off-putting to her. My gut is what's feeling like her intentions toward me have changed. Her energy with me feels different. I don't know at times she seems kinda nervous now. It's not just the things that she's talking about that changed. It's her demeanor in my presence as well.

[SueShe]

If you have the feeling that it is more negative than positive, then pull out.

[SueShe]

Thanks for the MHO

[Asker]

Thanks for the sharing of perspective. You've got a great mind young lady 😊

[PrettyPriya]

That is a pretty big assumption that she means you as a husband. Is it possible though? Yep, absolutely it could be she is hinting at something. That is a pretty strong hint though. Not exactly the way most relationships start, even though you have known each other for a long time.

As for whether it is normal or not for a friendship of that length, I don't view as normal or abnormal but more rare. Over time, people tend to drift apart and not have the level of contact they once had.

Now, I have some childhood friends that I still keep in touch with, but it is infrequent because we all moved on in life. You seem to have much more contact than most would if you are talking to each other weekly.

Back to whether she wants something with you, very hard to say. It might be her 'biological clock' speaking in general about ambition to get married and start a family. Does that mean with you? Not necessarily but as I mentioned at the top of my opinion anything is possible.

[DizzyDesii]

Longest friendship with a guy i had was 10-12 years. Im sure 20 couldve happened had their new gfs not been tripping. But i can really only be someone friends for that long if im not into them AT ALL and i wasn't into them

[Iron_Man]

Yeah, some people are even longer

[In_Trance]

Clearly it is