i was talking to one of her co workers about how there was this big country concert this weekend. her reaction was really weird , like if you were doing a lie detector test , that moment the thing suddenly goes weird and indicates person is telling a lie. there was a sudden change in her
not sure what the issue is about this concert , last summer some of her girlfriend's went to the same concert but didn't invite me or tell me they were going. so wondering if there planning to go again and don't want me to know about it.
not sure why it matter if i was there or not? as they'll be like 1000 other people there , anyways already bought a ticket and planning to go but not sure if there going or not
Updates
8 mo
she has left the bar for the summer and now back at school , i also decided to renew my gym membership and going there after work this week instead and on most days in the coming weeks and months too. just don't feel like its a great idea to hang around that place anymore and feel its best to move on to something else
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I don’t think you understand the weird stalker energy you give off. For so long now you go out of your way to be around or near this woman, but try to pass it off as casual and friendly. If I get that vibe just through the internet, I can’t imagine what it’s like in person. There’s a reason she doesn’t add you to her socials and everything is so secretive — you aren’t meant to know.
i've realised by now that she's being secretive about her life outside the place i know her. this weird reaction was not her but her girlfriend who also works at the same place.
seems most likely answer to her weird reaction was she's either planning to go or know her girlfriend is planning to go and was immediately worried i was also going to be there. although not sure why it matter so much , as its a large facility and like 1000 other people will be there and other people i know are going to. can't see why it matter so much if we were at the same concert facility at the same time
You’ve been very passive about your behavior for a long time. “I’m not sure why it matters” “I don’t see why it’s a big deal”, you won’t understand because you aren’t the young lady having an older man take so much interest in her at the bar. Everyone is friendly with you to an extent at the bar because you aren’t causing problems and you’re kind enough. But things get said about you outside of the bar, and unless it’s something that you have control over interjecting yourself into (like this concept, a bar crawl, etc) then you aren’t invited. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but giving you the honesty that you clearly do not have the friends around to do so.
also mention i haven't actually told anyone at her work that i bought a ticket to this concert , only mentioned to that one girl that there was a concert this weekend and that a lot of people were going to it.
but specifically did not tell anyone there i'm going cause i'm worried what there reaction would be and concerned there planning some sort of secret trip to it like last year. but when i don't show up at the place they work at by 8 or 9 pm Friday there likely going to wonder where i'm at and might figure out i'm at the concert. so will be very interesting to see what there reaction will be if there also there. will they say hi? ignore me entirely , really have no clue
**concert, not concept
Why do you need to be at this concert in the first place?
lots of people are going to this concert , its a public event , they have no say what so ever if i would be allowed to attend or not. i'm not sure why it would matter to them if i'm there or not , 1000 plus people also there.
of course these girls do things on there own , outside of the bar when i'm not around and that i'd never be invited to. but this is a public event , they have no say what so ever as to if i would be allowed to attend , if they don't like that i'm there so what its not there bar
its like an end of summer thing , had been to it the end of summer 2019 and really enjoyed it , then they didn't do one 2020 or 2021 , last year i didn't buy a ticket but this girl and her girlfriend's went without telling me
i just though it be a fun way to end the summer , go to this fun and busy concert
also note there is actually " 2 " concerts for this band Friday and Saturday , i'm only going Friday, so if there going Saturday i won't see them at all , Saturday already long sold out so i could only get Friday but last year they went Friday
Of course they don’t have a say so, and that’s why I’m saying that you interject yourself into whatever you have control of doing so with. Whether it’s this, a bar crawl, anything you can get your hands on and they will be at is where you’re going go, and I’m not sure how you don’t find that strange. I’m not sure if you have close friends to bounce these ideas off of before you take the dive, but I get the impression it’s only you in your head making heads or tails of your choices. If that’s the case then let me be the one to explain that your fixation with this woman over all this time is troubling. Her friends and anyone else already know to keep things a secret from you specifically.
If you were going just because it was a fun thing then cool, but because you put so much emphasis on their presence at this concert, it’s clear what the bigger incentive is. Again, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I am just giving you an outside perspective of your ongoing behavior. It is more than just this concert, you are passive about your fixation with befriending these women (that one lady specifically) as a whole.
i've been going to concerts at this place for years during the summer long before i meet this girl and her friends.
i also don't know if there actually going on not , its purely speculative that she and her girlfriend's might be planning to go.
it just seems really weird to me that her friend would act so weird simply cause i mentioned a concert taking place this weekend. that there might be some reason for her odd behaviour.
also since they don't tell me what there doing outside the bar , i have no idea what there doing right? the place they work is busy Friday so obviously they can't all just take off for this concert , someone has to still be there right? but last year 5 or 6 of them went and they found a way to make it work
also note NO one from that bar has said or told me that anyone who works there is going to this concert , so i no insider knowledge that anyone is going
and i bought my ticket like a month ago
She might have that reaction because if they were planning to go and now realize you’re going, it may not be such a great idea. They try to avoid you outside of the bar because they aren’t interested in creating that sort of friendship with you, most likely because of your interest in this woman specifically. They try to protect each other from strange men at their workplace. You probably don’t feel like your behavior and actions over these years has been a red flag, but something about it is. Just as you might not find it odd that you check their social medias even when they haven’t offered to add you as a friend.
they don't know i bought a ticket , haven't told anyone there i did. and thinking i shouldn't tell anyone either based on her and your reaction
i don't feel anything i've done there was that intense , its pretty much me going there after work or on fri/sat night for a few drinks. typically sit at the bar and have a beer , yes i try and talk to them but not about anything intensely private and asked less questions that might be viewed as too personal this summer like if they went to the gym. i never ask them when there shifts are or what days there working. rarely ever send them any messages on social media , only sent this girl one and that was last fall in an attempt to apologise and clear things up with her and she didn't even reply. true i've looked at some of there pages before but didn't feel it was a big deal and most of these girls are well known in this area so lots of people have seen there profiles
i don't see why these girls would be so worried about me simply being present at the same concert on Friday night as them?
think these just getting pissy cause there annoyed there closed social circle isn't able to prevent me from finding them at other things. true i couldn't go to there private parties or boat trips on the lake but they can't do anything to prevent me from going to this concert. as its not affilated with the place they work and a public event
either way don't see why it matter so much if they saw me there? is it really going to ruin a popular girls night out cause she saw some guy she's served at her work before at the same concert? and if it is they need to chill out and realise i'm not really bothering them to the extent that would justify such social exclusion
You’re right, it is a public even and you’re allowed to be there. The problem is your motive behind doing so, because while yes you may enjoy the concert to an extent, you know she and her friends are going, and a big part of you hopes to see them there. You want to be part of their circle, and I think you need to start being honest with yourself about both that and your feelings towards that woman. You may not ever be able to fully understand or see a problem with your behavior, simply because as a man you can’t understand a woman’s tribulations and experiences. That’s why I’m trying to help you see that this fixation you have is not as lowkey and normal as you’ve convinced yourself that it is. It’s been months, maybe even a few years of this, and each time something comes up that you can include yourself in, you go out of your way to do it. It’s just troubling all around when you know they purposely keep you in the dark yet you still try to figure it out.
Why don’t you try dating again? Get a nice woman to spend your time with so you’re not at the bar so often?
i don't know if she's going to the concert or not , obviously will be a lot of girls there its a country concert on a Friday. she went last year so its possible she will go again but i don't know that for sure.
i agree she has some sort of issue with me being at the place she works so often , from my perspective i understand there is an issue but not able to fully understand her reasoning as i don't feel there was anything wrong with me being there as its a public space and guys go to the pub after work for drinks and talking to the server is part of the experience right? it be weird if they just served you and ignored you entirely rest of time , no guy would tip ever if that the case
i've never really had any luck with dating sites , as to why i wouldn't just try and date someone else. so options are pretty limited in my local area and i tend to more meet people during the summer months and then don't see them the rest of the year when its quieter here
come September will be bored out of my mind
Your first comment is why I’ve been saying that it seems like you’re oblivious to your behavior, and I mean no offense when saying that. Like yes, sitting at the bar and talking to the server is normal and part of the experience. You’re a regular so they expect to interact with you there. The problem is that you’ve taken a fixation with her specifically, and it has not gone unnoticed over the years. You recognize that she seems to have an issue with you being at her job so often, and I’m trying to explain what that issue may be — your fixation. She’s noticed it, so have her friends and as a result they are secretive with you. I don't know if that makes you feel weird or uncomfortable like you’re some creep, but you’re just giving off a certain impression that I’m not sure that you’re aware (or maybe disagree) with you giving off but it is what it is.
Isn’t she only there during the summer? Or has that changed?
yes she is only there during the summer , a lot of the servers there only work the summer as thats when its busiest , some stay for the fall and a few there all year. haven't seen her since Saturday not sure if she's off for a few days or just haven't been there at same time
no one from there has said one word about the concert , last year some mentioned they were going but said with friends and never mentioned that girl i liked was going too. but this year not 1 single word has been said so who knows if any or who is going , i guess i'll find out when i get there
i would of been totally willing to have talked to this girl in private to try and resolve things but she wasn't even willing to speak to me about this or the issues we had between us. i obviously would of liked to resolve things and come to some sort of understanding over the current situation. i find it weird she feels we have issues but not willing to discuss them with me or tell me what she'd like me to do to make her feel better
these girls have also never made any effort to reach out to me and try and resolve the issue with this girl. never has any of them ever tried to talk to me about her when i was there , never has any of them ever tried to contact me through text , email , private message or anything.
it seems they like to complain about my fixation with this girl but unwilling to do anything about the situation to try and resolve it
also never ever got anything from this girl through any means of communication ever , she's never once tried to text me , message me , email or anything. infact the only time i can ever recall speaking to her anywhere but the place she works was another bar the may 2022 long wk , i saw her there and bought her and her girlfriend a drink , we must of been getting along better then but then she disappeared for the rest of night and never saw her at that bar since
What’s there to talk about? The issue is that you make her feel uncomfortable to the point where they try to keep her location outside of the bar hidden from you. Over the years at some point you’ve done something that made the bells go off in her mind, and there’s no reversing it once a woman feel targeted and weird around you. I’d say you should try going to that bar less, but then you argue that there’s not really other options in your small town and you don’t really have friends, so there’s not much else to be done about the situation Since you won’t make the logical choices.
i was going to go there less in the fall but she won't be there anyways so it won't really change things between us. her co workers will just assume i don't show up as much now that she's not there right?
was going to renew my gym membership in the fall and often go there after work instead of the pub downtown , so obviously can't be in 2 places at once or have time to visit both in my limited post work free time
i agree she has some issue with me but not really sure what it is? as she's never said and doesn't seem to want to talk to me about it.
I’m not really sure how many other ways I can say that you make her uncomfortable. Is it like a “how” thing? I’m pretty sure you said there was some interaction between you at some point that went unresolved, I don’t remember. Aside from that, it just seems like a fixation. I think she knows you have feelings for her and she’s not a fan of that. Like sure you could start going less in the fall but in my opinion it would only make it appear more like you were only going so much in the summer on her behalf, which is even worse because it shows that you hang around for her.
that place isn't as busy in the fall so not like they'd expect me to be there everyday and pretty sure they know i go there more often for her so what difference does it make
i still haven't figured out if anyone from there is actually going to the concert or not , deeply suspious that some are but they don't seem to be talking but when they do things like that they don't really tell me much about it but if i see people from there at concert won't exactly be surprised either
Exactly, they know you’re going there for her, they recognize the fixation, her discomfort, and therefore keep these outings and whatever else a secret from you outside of the bar. I’m not sure if they’ll go to the concert knowing you will be there, the bartenders awkward shift when you expressed interest said it all.
i've never told anyone there that i was actually going , i could see why they'd be curious to know if i was going or not but not sure why they'd care to the extent that they might decide not to even go at all. as i still like get along with them at the place they work and the concert is going to be very busy , a lot of other people there.
but they do seem to be keeping it a secret whatever there doing that night , but it i was a gambler be willing to bet someone from that restaurant will be at the concert on Friday , if the girl i'm into is there or not who knows
“Not sure why they’d care to the extent that they wouldn’t go at all”… you do se me repeatedly saying that your fixation is making her uncomfortable to the point where they keep things a secret and avoid you outside of the bar, right?
Is your question why would she be uncomfortable? Or the fixation? Just trying to understand why you keep saying “you don’t see why this or that”….
i don't think she's actually uncomfortable with me being at the restaurant when she is around or wouldn't she have just found another job by now? is so many serving jobs out there why stay at this one if i'm causing her that much trouble.
she obviously thinks i'm interested in her and felt we have a connection but perhaps she viewed things differently , i've never been able to get a good true understanding of her since she won't open up with me and talk to me privately about any of this , if she had talked to me last summer and been like... we need to talk... i would of been willing to listen and likely would of felt better about her and been able to move on , instead left with no closure and felt like i didn't matter
This my friend, is delusion at its greatest. She’s been working there for years, and you said you’re in a small town, home town, right? So why would she quit a perfectly fine job on your behalf? Like I’ve said before, you’re a regular and you’re chill enough not to cause any issue, but there is still a level of discomfort that her friends are aware of as well. Yes, there is discomfort being her age and having a man quite older take such interest when it’s she’s not reciprocating it. I’m telling you this as a woman. It’s not her job to provide you closure for whatever you misconstrued so long ago, or to have a conversation with you about everything when she isn’t interested in creating that connection. She doesn’t want dealings with you outside of the bar.
You two had a drink and shared a shot once upon a time and somehow that’s translated in your mind to interest. This was a friendly gesture that you’ve turned into a fixation. I think a lot of it has to do with your own loneliness and not having found a woman at this point. I understand you’re in a small area and it’s hard, but she just isn’t the one. You need to stop trying to insert yourself into her life every summer, if it’s obvious to me, I can’t imagine how blunt it is to everyone else, especially her.
i talked to her there today after work , she seemed to be in a better mood and we seemed to get along fine at least better than some other times this summer. i don't think she has an issue with me going there , she's not the hottest girl who works there if you saw her beside some of the others you'd wonder why she was the one i fixated over so much , she's cute and attractive but not the hottest girl there. she mentioned she had a good summer and had seen the barbie movie the other day , myself sort of disappointed in the summer despite doing some fun things it wasn't exactly what i wanted
she didn't mention the concert and neither did anyone else there so still not sure if anyone there is going or not , i won't find out until 10 pm tomorrow night when i get there i guess
Like I said, you’re chill enough that it’s fine you’re there, she isn’t scared of you and whatnot, I’m talking about outside the bar, I feel I keep saying that. It’s the reason behind the level of secrecy. I don’t think her being the hottest matters, personality does and something about hers has sparked your fixation. But it can be a bit much, especially knowing you probably won’t hang around the bar much at all until next summer comes around.
her and her girlfriend's were NOT at the concert on Friday , its possible they went Saturday instead as same band was doing 2 shows but on separate nights , its also possible last year just a 1 time thing and they did something else this weekend. but she was definitely not there , i did run into some other girls i've meet at other restaurants , actually bought a drink for this one girl who used to work at another place i went to during covid so 2021 and had talked to her there before
the level of secrecy as to the whereabouts of original girl outside of the pub is very extreme , we live in the same area/town of only 20,000 people and last 2 summers not once have i seen her anywhere outside of the pub other than the 1 night in 2022 when i saw her at that bar in another town. apparently we went to the same gym but i wasn't going during the summer when she was back home , but never once seen her there , have seen some of the girls she's friends with there though. never even seen her at other restaurants in town , not even popular and busy ones that i've seen other people at before
i'll still go to that place the odd time during the fall and winter , just not everyday like during the summer when i go there after work. planning to go back to the gym so will be going there after work instead most days. i also mentioned to her that there wasn't much going on here during the fall so i think she got the hint that the place she works is not busy once she leaves at end of summer , its a summer hot spot so doesn't make sense to go there when its not even busy and no one that i know is working there either
as for her whereabouts once she's done working there , all i really know is she's living with some girls she's friends with at school and would be in her 4th year , her school would be like 3 or 4 hours away from here so she'd be there from sep > April but does sometimes come home but not often , once i saw her at that pub during Christmas but that was Christmas 2021 , didn't see her there last year