There’s this girl at work, lives with her boyfriend, young and very attractive, gets hit on/chatted up by all the guys who come into work except me. Well she started flirting with me about 4 months into their relationship, compliments, collar fixing, noting my outfit changes when I dressed casual, touching my face once.
I got together and told her I might like to get to know her non-platonically if she was available at some point; she cut out of the conversation with some excuse but turned back and told me to message her.
I DMed her a while but while she shared lengthy personal stuff about her family, dreams, creative writings, I really got no reciprocity so I disengaged again. She came back in weird ways at work and outside work (but still avoiding 1-to-1 conversations and I got mad; called her out for going out of her way. She got cold, unfriended me said she’d only talk about work. Ever since then she’s done a weird act of acting friendly now and then like nothing happened. Recently I confronted her by DM after she was leaving silly notes and drawings in my cubicle and pulling work conversations I sent through work email back onto our DM chat.
I said it seemed like she wanted to alter the dynamic even though she’d said she didn’t want to be friends. She admitted I was “not wrong” and ultimately said she wanted to be “platonic friends” when I restated what I wanted and walked away from the conversation.
My question is: why is this chick so hellbent on friendzoning me when I’ve given her all the space in the world to disengage?
I could buy it as a ploy for attention if she wasn’t persistent in trying to reconnect after 6+ months of me icing her out and being professional but impersonal. It’s not like we have to interface much at work. Why so determined to be “friends” with someone she won’t hang out with or talk with in person? Why go to all that trouble over a year and a half now for essentially a digital pen pal?
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It’s awkward for here dude. You went from being friends to throwing a temper tantrum and icing her out because she friendzoned you.
I mean I get its awkward and I did lose my cool which I regret…but I never verbally agreed to be friends; she pretty much cut and ran before I could explain my position in depth even though I told her I wanted to have a serious conversation…. she cut it short after 2-3 minutes.
I felt like she got squirrelly about talking face to face but wouldn’t take my hints either…which I let frustrate me.
How are you supposed to work through awkwardness with someone who pokes you for attention but then runs away from real direct talk?
I know in hindsight I should have DMed sooner to end things but I don’t like having relationship-defining conversations over social media…
And if it’s awkward why go out of her alway to reengage? I leave people alone for the most part if I don’t get along with them or want to talk.
Going out of her way to reengage is her trying to smooth things over. You should feel very lucky that you are someone who can easily shut someone out that you work with. But for others like her and myself, it’s incredibly uncomfortable and I’d rather just be peaceful. In your position, you cut her off with no word, no logical reason, this woman doesn’t know what she’s done. On your end, you are punishing her for not being single, not picking you and treating you as a friend. I understand wanting to create some space so you can get over your feelings but the way you went about it was all wrong. I also see it as very childish, equivalent to stomping your feet.
I appreciate your taking the time to reply as I’m trying to learn from this. I know I did many things wrong from the beginning.
I was at peace with her in the beginning until she started doing flirty touchy-feely boundary pushing stuff. When we were “friends” I asked her personal stuff about herself but she never once started a convo or asked about me (until I’d backed off and went back to my initial cordial but disengaged behavior for 12 weeks)…so I don’t feel like I shut her out because we weren’t close or a 2 way conversation really…I was doing all the work at that time (after she’d flirted and gotten my attention) So I backed off.
And in my book a friend is someone you can talk with and spend quality time with, which are both things that she refused to do…(and again my interest was non-platonic and I never got the chance to draw boundary lines in person due to her cutting us short) so much so that I never even had time to say that in person.
I will acknowledge I shouldn’t have lost my cool that 1 time but I am also not the one who declared us “not friends” and refused to talk through our issues when given the chance…. isn’t that childish in itself?
Why are you wasting your time?
I have to engage with her because we work together. I’ve largely ignored her for most of our time together but whenever I do that she comes pushing in persistently being friendly and going back and forth in ways not professionally necessary.
I just don’t understand her behavior; like I said I’ve given her 4 separate opportunities to disengage from me; 3 of those times she’s pushed in to be “platonic friends”…. I don’t get it. Never met anyone who acts that way so consistently inconsistent.
again, who cares? Disregard some bitch who doesn't act normal.