I'm dating a mommas boy, what should I do?

Question

I love my boyfriend and all, we've been together for almost 2 years. But sometimes I feel like I'm his second girlfriend. He's so close to his mom that it makes me feel uncomfortable. I remember one time he even said that his mom was his other girlfriend. One time we were somewhere and his mom showed up, and he forgot that I was there. He had his arm around her while they were walking and I had to follow them like I was their child. He calls her for everything; and always needs her opinion. He always asks me second for my opinion or if he does ask me he will ask his mom for a better opinion.

It makes me feel useless. He has calmed down because I talked to him about it but when I do he makes a huge scene and gets very defensive but he does realize a day later but he goes back to his ways. He also expects me to clean , do his laundry and make him food when we get our own place but I shouldn't HAVE to do that. He lives at his moms house and I technically live there too and she talks to him like a baby and does everything for him, she will even serve him food right in front of me and not even ask me. I don't know what to do, I don't want to get married one day and he puts his mom before our marriage and our kids.

sjoes006 · Accepted Answer

The answer is accept it, win her over or get over it.

Get to know her after you've won her over. If you can't get along move on.

Thankfully I've only been in a situation once where the parents didn't love me due to unspoken political views. Short term relationship over the summer and what he called their lake house that he invited me to was actually his parents primary dwelling.

They knew I was coming and all but it was too soon to meet the parents. They were talking about marriage potential.

You're never gonna break a Mama's boy.

My best advice is don't put him in the middle. DO NOT.

With this dynamic you build a real rapport with her based on efforts she supports. You don't kiss ass but you do try to find common ground. Once that's eastablished your very rare objection gets heard.

It comes down to proving your worth and capability without challenging her. You add value and don't cause drama.

The question begs that you aren't seeing eye to eye with Mom. In that case peace out.

Early in relationships if the parent isn't cool with me and my partner isn't happy either not to defend me it's lights out. Not meant to be. I'm talking 6 months or more usually.

But I've only had one Mom be shady with me but that was enough. In my early 20's my guy invited me and my BFF to his parents lake house, which I found out upon arrival was their primary dwelling.

A group of 20 go out on the boat and come back to the house, all unexpected visitors. It was supposed to be 6 people on the boat and people kept inviting themselves. I paid for the gas and now these people wanted me to cough up more money for beer I don't wasn't drinking.

Nasebear · Accepted Answer

If it frustrates you now, it will only grow into a larger frustration. It's doubtful this behavior and relationship will change. I understand you love him and see a life together, but you need to think if you're really ok with things continuing exactly as is.

Chances are, in 5 years, there will be no improvement. And why bring children and marriage into a situation that's already stressful.

You've told him about it. He doesn't see the problem or gets defensive. If you give an ultimatum, he will choose mom. So don't choose him!

I know when you're with someone, it feels like there's no other. You want to make it work.
Sometimes it really isn't a good fit in spite of love.

I honestly feel you are going to find someone you're more compatible with.

Go back and read your words: Useless. Defensive. Forgot. Uncomfortable. Second.

And Walk away. It's hard, but it seems like you won't be happy there.

Otherwise, be prepared to change yourself and accept it as it is.

depeche2015 · Accepted Answer

i feel the same way as you. i come from a broken family and my boyfriend chooses his mom the way your boyfriend does to me.. he isn't direct but gives off that vibe. he even treats his sister that way and rubs their relationship in my face even though he knows how i feel about my family. i feel like he's a sheltered kid too and he's handed everything.. he's 24 and doesn't even know how to cook apparently his mom makes his food everyday food him. they're like the perfect family. you deserve to be put first.. i mean you're his girlfriend and one day you'll have your own family with him.. which he should put first.. not leave his mom entirely but in the real world... you leave and start a family of your own... like animals birds have to leave the nest someday and leave from their mama. you should be his best friend and his kids should come first if you guys ever have a family.

SummerNight · Accepted Answer

Talk to them both but separately then together, tell them how you feel n set some rules, say some much change or your thinking about leaving. I agree being close is a good thing but sometimes there's a line. Why doesn't she share him and treat you as a daughter too. Example some days don't get his dinner plate and get yours while you get his or she get both, everyone do the same for each other some days, and while walking ok arm around mom but why not you too, because both ladies is his heart/ his special ladies. Ask him how does the future look.

ImHere4You · Accepted Answer

If he was close to his mom and talked to her a lot then not that big of a deal. After the details it reminds me about the situation my ex wife and I were in. If she ever had problems she'd call her mom instead of talking me. You shouldn't be doing things for him like you're his maid. He's an adult and can do those things himself.

The fact that his mom does things like give him food and not even ask you would bother me if I was in your shoes.

You can't stop him from being close to his mom but you can stand up for yourself and tell him you won't do his chores and that you'd like your opinion heard and to be treated differently. The only way you can decide if you should stay or if you should go is if he's not willing to change, can you handle this for years to come? Think hard about whether you can or can't. Good luck.

JDavid25 · Accepted Answer

Shoo, you gotta put that foot down, and tell him that he's dating his momma more than his actual girlfriend.. Gotta tell him that he's doing the same thing, and to deal with his mother.. She's also the problem, especially if she's a single mother, she's probably so close that he sort resembles a husband to her.. So, it's her that's trynna keep him also..

cheapshotbob · Answer

i would find a guy who will put you first because once you are married moms , dads , sisters , cousins or other family members come 2and. because your gonna be having a family with this person and there needs come 100% before any one else in this world.

and you can say what you want about moms giving you birth or what not but once your married that cord is cut and YOUR family comes first. i even said this in another thread yesterday.

you show them respect and let them know your gonna treat there son or daughter right and have some interactions with them. but out side of that your life is about your family and not about smothering moms or dads or sisters or brothers.

twintron · Answer

It happens with a guy sometimes that a guy can't shift his priorities towards his wife but don't worry.
Do a simple thing and you will find results in a month,
1. try to get very close to his mom so that she can share everything with you to do that you must start sharing first
2. at the same time treat the guy the same way his mom's treats him

*put these two things in your routine, even if everything gets alright, because if he shifts priority towards you someday then he will do the things which he use to do for his mom.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

1. Marrying someone expecting they will change is a huge mistake that is commonly made. Do you want to join the number of people who have done this?

2. " He also expects me to clean , do his laundry and make him food when we get our own place but I shouldn't HAVE to do that." He has the right to want and expect very traditional gender roles in a marriage but you have the right to say "that isn't for me!" That means that you two are not compatible. How have you been together so long?

3. Does Mother interfere in your relationship or is she on your side? Her attitude probably will not change after marriage.

4. Why did you ignore the warning signs that were probably obvious a long tome ago? Will you ignore warning signs the next time?

bc1989 · Answer

as a long term girlfriend one of two things needs to happen here, you should be invited into the family as an equal, if they're that close, you should expect to be a part of that relationship too or an alternative would be that they distance themselves from each other somewhat out of respect to you

you're in a long term relationship with this 'man' so you have every right to have this respect, it's not like you've only been with him a few months

if him and his mother are not willing to do either of the above now they probably never will and you need to think long and hard about whether you can put up with this forever or whether to end the relationship

Dave_sup · Answer

Your boyfriend is overly attached to his mother and this is not good cause he needs to be an independent man to support his family.

And remember every woman likes an independent man.

The reason for his affection towards his mother can be either his mother has over protected him and never allowed him to become independent individual or certain circumstances in his childhood have bought him really close to his mom.

The thing you can do is try to talk to his mom and make her understand that too much dependency can be dangerous for her son. She should initiate certain steps...
One other thing you can do is try to make him independent, like you both can go somwhere and let him do all the work, create situations in your daily life that will allow him to take his own decisions.

And when ever he takes decisions appreciate him and don't mention his mother in any way while doing so. Reinforce this habit of taking decision by giving him award (they can be anything)

Dave

Robsinsf53 · Answer

Wow. This isn't normal behavior where I'm coming from. It's fantastic he worships the woman who gave him life because that's a good indicator on how he'll treat you... if you can get him away from her, lol. Bad joke, sorry. How good is your relationship with his Mom? Lets say it's great. You could talk to her about your concerns and tell her that you've already talked with him...
Just remember not to make it confrontational. It's not about its either you or me, youve got to make your choice. Just don't accidently or on purpose pit them against one another, you'll be the third whell and left behind. GOOD LUCK!!😊

abhiplayer1996 · Answer

Ok I think i might sound like i am on aide but i M SORRY FOR THAT ,,,,
So as far as i know having great relationship with mom is not a bad or weird thing, It ok if he is close to his mom. You should know that U came n his life just two years ago but his mom was there for him throughout his life... ALso for u feeling "useless" dont think like that coz he is just having a good time with his mom, His mom is so lucky that her son cares for and her and gives her priority. THIS IS THE TRUTH THAT I AM GONNA TELL NOW, {PEOPLE IN TODAYS GENERATION HAVE REDUCED TALKING OR SHARING STUFF WITH THEIR PARENTS. } i am no parent but I can see it from their point of view. Just imagine AFTER 20-25 YEARS U HIS MOMS AGE AND YOUR SIN AVOIDS YOU ONLY BCOZ HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND THET HE MET LAST WEEK AT THE BAR. AND IF U TRY TALKING TO HIM, HE SCREAMS AND DRIVES YOU AWAY SAYING [DONT INTERFARE IN MY LIFE.]

hahahmm · Answer

Relative of mine married a guy like that. He could not even iron a shirt. I think he was closet gay since he was not actually attracted to the wife at all. You should bail. This is not going to get better. His words do not mean as much as his actions. Trust me, it's better to bail now than spend 5-10 years trying to convince him to treat you right.

rmtkmehta · Answer

you are so lucky to have such a good friend those who cares for their parents are always the best don't feel inferior his priority may be his mother because she has given her birth but you are equally important to him. you are lucky to have such a guy as your boy friend

slatyb · Answer

You told him, he didn't change anything. If you just made a general complaint, try getting very specific about what he did that made you feel unimportant. If you can, tell him specifically what you want, whatever that is. If it continues the same way, then ask yourself if you can handle this for the next 40 years or so. If not, then it's time to find a new guy. Don't let this drag on for another year or two or five. You may love this guy, but you can also love a guy who will put you first.

voldiemartin · Answer

Mother and girlfriend are two totally different roles. In a healthy relationship, each shouldn't have to feel jealous of the other. Or feel like the other is a second opinion.

Since that is not the case here, you will always be in the same position as you are in now, unless you escape from this relationship now before it leads into marriage.

nuttynutternut · Answer

I think you really do want to leave him, but you are scared of doing, because you are of being single again and being alone. You are scared of leaving your comfort zone which being with him.

Leave him. he is spoilt bratt. I know someone like this, and he is the most awful person to get a long with.

Cmasterson · Answer

Oh goodness, I mean there's nothing really you can do- if he doesn't realize this and how its effecting your relationship then he won't... anytime soon. Its good that he cares about his mother however there's a line and its just something you will have to live with. For now

luvstoned4him · Answer

Not nice, we will always be out parents little boys/girls but not literally. His mom and him are eeriely close. Nothing wrong with offering to do laundry or something to eat but she should let you take most of the load off and prove how much of a good girlfriend and potential wife material you have..

Hans222 · Answer

Two very important things:
1) You've been together for two years so be careful not to waste it :o
2) You talked to him about it and he calmed down so he loves you a lot. He immediately changed for you :D
Conclusion: I guess you'll have to love him for it <3

sarath1997 · Answer

accept him or leave him.. he won't change... cause he has been like that for last 20 years... and it has became his habit...😂 .. he will do it even if he don't want to... cause it has been his only option for most of his past life... and will be hard to change it...

MrMysteryMan · Answer

Even non-mamas boys appreciate their mothers (or should). But when a guy can't do anything without mom's approval, than there's something wrong with his confidence. Or it could just be that he's been through a lot with her and she is his rock. Single moms are like this for their boys. Just make sure you don't make him feel bad for it and gain his trust. And show that you can take care of him just as well as his mommy can or better. Then he'll start to open up more and let go of her apron.

JayCasper777 · Answer

nah, living with your parents means nothing. you can still be independent, it's no excuse for this behavior. he should be doing his own laundry, cooking or at least making his own decision s 4 god sake.
how can he be happier to his mom than you!
I'd rather see my girlfriend then my mom (I do love my mom). honestly I'd rather my girl then my mum tho.
he's a boy not a man. leave. find a man.

i_research · Answer

You guys are too different then.
For the second part, about cleaning and etc, if you know you are not cool with it, then it's a sign to be honest with him, and go from there. By that I mean, if neither of you are willing to change, then part way for good.

For the first part, that's again the same thing with what I said above. It doesn't look like he will change.

specialpkr · Answer

I'd think deeply about whether you think you can past it or not. is it a quirk or is it a big problem for you. you can also think about ways that might work for your situation to get him out and making his own decisions. this guy has been babied his whole life and doesn't know what it's like in the real world.

ItsOnlyThePast · Answer

Nope. I'd leave him for sure. Nothing is worth this in my opinion. I could deal with it until you said he expects you to do everything for him. He basically wants you to be his mother when you live together and he will most likely never learn to do things himself. Big nope for me. Id find a real man who can take care of himself if I were you. Loving your mom is great but this is just pathetic.

wso22 · Answer

if she is good to you then you got to accept what's happening if she isn't good with you like she doesn't talk to you or she doesn't like you or something then better to get out of this relationship before it gets ugly eventually he is her child and one day one have yours you well probably act the same

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

Well, your aware of how things are with him and his mother.
Do you really think things will ever change? My opinion is
do a double take on whether you want deal with this cause
this is something that will not end. I know it's okay to love
your mother but there needs to be a end some place you got
open up more communication with him and talk things over
cause this is serious matter with him and his mother.

Leandri · Answer

It is time for him to grow up and realize that mommy won't be there forever. You need to talk to him about this, if he doesn't change his ways then get out of the relationship. You will always come second. I dated one once and I just realized that I deserve more than being second in everything. So I just told him to go marry his mom instead

Longshoreman · Answer

I'd say break up with him cause your heading for trouble. The fact that you are second now probably won't change if you get married. His mother will probably interfere in your marriage if you do get married and help you up to her standards. I'm not going to lie I expect my wife to cook and clean but she's home all day. If you have 2 people in the house working you have to devide the chores. The fact the he values his mother opinion over yours says to me he doesn't care what you think.

christian_witch · Answer

I think you need to explain to him that you aren't doing those things simply because his mother does them. And he expects you to he needs to consider a different partner. I say cut your loses and leave now. You will never be able to outshine her and her opinions will butt in to every aspect of your marriage.

singlebee · Answer

Yeaa he is a loser. Hahaha a man should have a balance...

You have to find a real man who will treat you better... and Lu's he expects you to do everything for you which means he is a small kid...
You are not his maid or something... dump his imaature ass

Bigprince · Answer

Well technically you're his girlfriend and technically you still moved in there with her and him so what exactly do you expect from this site.. technically

Paul09 · Answer

If his mommy does everything for him, then if you ever move out together, be prepared to do everything for him. His mom might have spoiled him all his life. Does he still have a dad? He can't stay in the nest all his life, he needs to spread his wings and fly away lol. You do need to set his priorities straight. If he doesn't want, then you should do a lot of thinking on why you are with him.

MarkRet · Answer

It seems like he's already chosen his girlfriend, and it's not YOU. It's great that he loves his mom, but he needs to put you first. If he's unable to grow up, then you're better off without him.

Saffi16 · Answer

If you really love him and wanna get his atention towards you then start being more with his mom... If you got more closer to his mom, his attention will automatically shift towards you... Either he'l love you for lovin his mother or start being jealous.. And if he gets jealous then start giving time to himm.. Everything will be in your favour then..

JSmuve · Answer

Damn. That guy sounds like a fucking useless pussy. Something tells me you'll always be second to his mom. I'd consider breaking up because its not fair to you.

bboo22 · Answer

I would definitely get out of the relationship. I think that he's already way too set in his ways to change and eventually if you get a place he's going to expect so much from you..🙅🏽 I'd leave...

Watermelon15 · Answer

You should dump him. One thing is being a mommas boy, but a second thing is making his girlfriend his new mom and wants her to do all the chores in the house. He doesn't respect you, and your opinions. He is no good for you

Keshie · Answer

Dump the dude.. there's no future for a relationship like that. he's not gonna change just like that.. all because he's married.. you will always come second in his life.. and that sucks because you can't compare yourself to his mother.

Browneye57 · Answer

And you want to do this why?  DON'T live there - live on your own. You'll be a lot happier.

pooper89 · Answer

That sounds unhealthy. I dated a guy who cancelled plans on me on a Friday night to hang out with his mom (not sure if he was actually telling the truth) and I broke up with him on the spot for it.

orangeinme · Answer

how close are you to getting out of the house? that's the test.

Lumberman53 · Answer

Being close with your mom is a good thing, but my god that's just insane

Justacatlady · Answer

RUN!!! If all these things make you so unhappy, what is it that keeps you with him? Not just love, but what does he do for you to make your life better? How does he enrich your day?

tarzen26 · Answer

dear if u are ready than married one day but if u not ready your mind not accept his this type nature than not married one day only continue with friendship.
generally I think he loves her mom more more but it does not mean he ignored you while you three all are with same place... I mean if he will want marry to u than his responsibility to more caring you with his mother... I think clearly you discuss about this problem & go ahead... best of luck...

Kal_1 · Answer

depends on the type of person you are. You could run, like the people above me have said. Or you could fight for the relationship. If he's a great guy, who cares if he loves his mom it shows he has enough love to go around. I suggest you get closer to the mother. at the end of the day you're going to be the one he'll be hugging to sleep.

GuppiKohli · Answer

love and respect is one thing. But being able to take decisions, small or big, by yourself, is very important in adulthood.
From your post it does give a hint of jealousy. But even if that is ignored, you do have a problem at your hand if he's not able to make up his mind on things. Also, you shouldn't HAVE to do all the chores.

Tiwari22 · Answer

If you think a boy will make you his first​ priority then you are wrong. You must be happy to be his second best choice. Priority just depends on the time and bond between two and according to me no bond is stronger than the mother's love. Just be happy​ with the things otherwise you will lose him too.

NathanStrat · Answer

if his mom is controlling him now, she will control him in marriage as well, i saw it with my parents and my mom was miserable til divorce 20yr later.

RuneScimitar · Answer

if you marry him you marry his mother too.. i find that weird she didn't offer you food. what kind of mother is she

johndoer · Answer

His mom is his other girlfriend? Is he crazy? Lots of moma's boy do show the sign of mental disorder. Maybe this guy as well.

kenny6969 · Answer

that's gross. like, my mom lives with me because health reasons, but that doesn't sound like OK behavior.

Mexicoman101 · Answer

"I remember one time he even said that his mom was his other girlfriend" STOP Run the fuck to the hills if you don't want to be married to a Jeb Bush

JamesCX · Answer

Tell me something... if an accident happens (gods forbid); from then on he's on a wheelchair and only being able to use one arm, who's going be the person that will be there for the rest of his life?

JosyJosy · Answer

I was like How bad can it be? haha hha I stopped reading at "his mom was his other girlfriend" Break up, it's going to be for life if you stay, you'll like date both of them

Regular1 · Answer

As long as you are the only hole he's sticking his dick in, you don't have a problem. What is it about girls trying to come between a man and his mother? Yeesh!

eladloyelhsa · Answer

he's not for you if you're doing all the housework. he's taking the piss out of you and forgetting the person inside

Nerd_modeon · Answer

one advice: take your sports shoe and run away now... it's not too late

EvilAngel114 · Answer

Get ready to date them both. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Dme500 · Answer

it sucks but i say have another talk with him and really express yourself, then try to come to a compromise. you may wanna add an ultimatum too. if still nothing changes then its time to split.

Anonymous · Answer

'' remember one time he even said that his mom was his other girlfriend''

IM SORRY BUT THATS JUST FREAKING SICK! besides that, your boyfriend has some serious issues and needs to realize that he isn't a kid anymore.

rahulsamantray · Answer

you should have acted as a dad's girl... but its too late...

Jezeppe · Answer

Have a really serious chat with him and tell him exactly how you feel because that's not a healthy relationship and not good for you.

akadatank44 · Answer

I don't know how you deal with that I know I couldn't. He does have a creepy relationship with his mother... just my 2 cents.

I'm dating a mommas boy, what should I do?

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