Why would a guy who let you down gently still allow you to talk to him?

[Anonymous]

I just noticed that he’s been letting me down easy and I appreciate that.. but why didn’t he just end it.. especially when I continued talking to him and he knew that I wasn’t getting the hint.
He said that I asked him like 3x if he could see himself dating me... I was so embarrassed because I didn’t remember

I apologized and ended it.. he said there was no need to apologize

but he just allowed me to continue on and I don’t understand why

I like him a lot but I can’t make him want me if he doesn’t

[HollyK21]

Probably because he doesn’t have an issue with you or the situation, since he was verbally clear about his stance rather thats string you along or send mixed signals, which is a lot more closure than most get. So at this point it’s on you if you still continue fueling that. My question to you would be why? Since he’s clarified he isn’t interested in pursuing.. is it a pride thing? Like not wanting him to think he got to you or hurt your feelings? Or maybe a Hope thing, where you hope he will change his mind? In either scenario, I think you are doing yourself a disservice by continuing talking to him if you haven’t gotten over your feelings. It just makes it really hard to accept his decision and move on. Especially if he started dating someone else, you’d be crushed. It’s hard to be a friend when you don’t want that truly.

[Asker]

Yeah, I think this type of rejection is just different for me. I’m used to men ghosting me or being mean. I think it has a lot to do with my self esteem and feeling like I’m not pretty enough for him. He said that he really enjoys talking to me like 3x but “he can’t give me what I want and if I found someone who can I really want that for you “ ... if I were better looking he would definitely not let me go

I think how he went about it made me even more attracted to him but he did make it clear that he’s only looking for sex... which makes it worse because I’m only enough for him to fuck but not date..

Different layers of hurt and we’ve been talking for a few months

I told him that if I looked better he would respond or he would date me.. he said “just stop “ “you’re beautiful as you are” bull shit

[HollyK21]

Honestly love, that frame of mind is so destructive, and something you should definitely address and work on. What’s happening here is all of that past trauma — the rejections, ghosting, etc — each time it has happened, you’ve allowed it to chip away at your self esteem and sense of self worth. When these things happen, rather than heal from it, you jump into the next situation, seeking love and companionship because it feels like you need it to feel better about yourself. But you don’t. You can’t love anyone else properly until you give yourself that. Otherwise you’ll become an emotional leech, relying on those men to instill those positive affirmations when in reality you should give them to yourself. You are beautiful, you are worthy, and once you start doing the work to believe those things, watch how stuff changes. But not like this. It’s sad to talk down on yourself to the guy you like, then allow him to use your body. You should want more for yourself and you deserve it.

[Asker]

Yeah it has a lot to do with my childhood and my overall relationship with different men. Always being made to feel like I’m not good enough

In the beginning that’s what I wanted but it really wasn’t and I lied about it. I told him that I didn’t want that and he said okay. I apologized for wasting his time

He said talking to me wasn’t a waste of time and that he enjoyed talking to me and that there’s no need to apologize. He said I helped him get through his work days because he’s a probationary firefighter.. So that made me really happy to that someone enjoyed my company

He still wanted sex ofc but he never pressured me into it and he didn’t bring it up but Ik he’s talking to other females and he said that he has needs

I think I may have mistaken his “I enjoy talking to you “ as attraction..

I was trying to force a relationship... it’s enough that he text me back in the morning or before bed and sometimes during work

But he was starting to lie to me.. about being “overly busy “ that’s when I knew that I was taking it to far and trying to act like his girlfriend

I cut it to respect his decision

[Asker]

Still there?

[HollyK21]

Hey love! I’m definitely still here, sorry I get so easily distracted, didn’t mean to leave you hanging for so long. I’m glad that you’ve ultimately decided to cut it. I dealt with something similar in the past and totally get how you can inadvertently act a certain way, or misconstrue a situation. Especially for you, where he was actually being a good guy compared to all you dealt with in the past. But I think ultimately this is a good time to do some inner work. You have a lot of unresolved issues from your past, and I think that the more disappointments that happen in the future, the more it will chip away at your self esteem until you feel just completely worthless, and you don’t deserve to feel that way.

[Asker]

I really like him. I just think he’s not attracted to me I don't know... him not wanting me hurts because and I think it has a lot to do with my looks even though he said that I was the one assuming that he’s not attracted to me

But if you like talking to someone etc... why wouldn’t you want them?

[HollyK21]

Fortunately he’s given you the closure of telling you he isn’t interested, but what happens from there is what you’re choosing to misinterpret, and I think this is because you are refusing to accept his “no”, which is very unhealthy and unfair to you both. I feel like you are struggling with aspects of self worth, and because of this, you lay all of that onto him in a guilt-tripping sort of way that just isn’t fair to either of you. You can’t twist his arm into a relationship and you shouldn’t even want to do that to him. I do feel like he cares about you, your feelings and your well-being, and he tries to be supportive of you where he can. But there’s only so much of that he can do as a friend before he has to draw that line, which I think right now would completely send you spiraling, and you don’t want that. So right now, you’d do so much better to cut ties in a real way. Address your trauma, even if it’s with therapy and actively work to heal and be better. Because the more you treat him like a boyfriend, or someone who’s playing games to confuse you when he’s been honest already, on top of still sleeping with him, the harder you will make it to move on. Each day, you are making it harder, love.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. This is everything I needed to hear

I’m actually very grateful that I never slept with him tho. My feelings would be intense

We never slept together

[HollyK21]

Oh im glad to hear that! Usually with these things it seems like when you’re hooking up with them it just adds to it so I just assumed lol I’m so happy to hear that you’re not and haven’t though☺️ but yeah, if you distance yourself a bit and focus on healing those traits that make you feel bad, I think you’ll start feeling better and realizing how worthy you are of certain kinds of love. It’s a small step but maybe try changing the negatives into positive affirmations. You ARE pretty enough, you are worthy enough, just combating a bad thought with a good one. It helps a lot.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to help me out. I hope I can stop punishing myself. It’s hard but hopefully I’ll get through it

[HollyK21]

No worries at all! If anything I say can help out then that’s what matters☺️. Also, you shouldn’t punish yourself, you’re human and none of us are perfect. One thing I’ve always told myself when I think I can’t get through something is that I’ve been through worse. Maybe you feel like cutting ties with him is a huge loss, and right now yeah it’s going to feel that way because of your feelings. But this situation is only dragging you down, which isn’t helpful when you’re already hard on yourself. You don’t want to be in this place where you’re telling him you’re not pretty enough for him, not good enough or all of those things putting him on this pedestal that he doesn’t even deserve. Take that negativity and pour it into feeling good about yourself, if nothing else do it to show him what he’s missing out on. You can feel like you’re in the gutters on the inside but never show a guy that he’s breaking you or put him in a position to pity you. You’re so much better than that.

[Asker]

Oh nooo, I hope he doesn’t pity me!! You think he’s pitying me?

[HollyK21]

I don’t want to say specifically yes, but yourself in his shoes. This girl you’ve been talking to tells you that she interested, you tell her you don’t feel the same but you guys can still be cool — nothing wrong with that. But then she talks down on herself by saying if she were better looking you wouldn’t want to lose her, you can her beautiful and she digs into the comment deeper, saying “bullshit”. Would you feel bad for her? Maybe a bit guilty for making her feel low and sad to see her self esteem issues?

[Asker]

I mean he did kind of make me feel bad and if I did look like someone else he would date me.. but that’s my issue not his. That’s where your advice kicks in. I have to handle it myself and heal.

This whole situation feels cringe now because I never intended to do that.. but I really liked him and wanted him.. I apologized to him and we haven’t talked in 2 weeks.

He’s been waiting for me to let him go but he’s been patient.. I’ll give him that.

I definitely feel worse in a different kind of way because now I definitely feel like he just thought I was attractive enough to fuck. A guy has told me that before but this guy proved it.

[HollyK21]

Gosh, sending you virtual hugs, I’m so sorry you’re going through this and feeling how you feel. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, nobody is perfect or faultless, we all mess up but that’s just part of life. You really liked this guy because he was showing you something different and I think anyone would feel how you do. I truly don’t think your looks have anything to do with his decisions, because he was capable of doing this even to the person he feels is right for him. People are who they are at their core and this is a prime example of that. All I can really say is everything happens for a reason. You gave this guy a lot of credit for being an amazing guy, but what if he’s really not? People put on their social faces, the versions of them they want you to see but it doesn’t mean that’s truly who they are. For all you know you dodged a massive bullet, and now there’s the opportunity for the right person to enter your life without any competition or distractions. Which will be way better, because for your efforts you deserve someone who reciprocates that and this guy was not living up to the simple standard.

[Asker]

LOL nahh, I don’t think he’s “amazing “ he definitely has some faults but I think I just feel safe. And he does offer something different than most guys.. maturity, clarity and honesty.. don’t get that. I can also be myself and be humorous

We’re just the opposite.. he’s simple while I overthink and he’s chill

He has big d energy

[HollyK21]

Even if not amazing, you seem to think very highly of him, although you may not agree with that lol. I can definitely see the attraction though, I’m big on maturity and being comfortable enough to be myself. Someone else will make you feel the exact same way this guy does one day, but I don’t think it’ll happen until it’s the right time in your life. Maybe right now just wasn’t good for you to be with someone, and instead you should work on yourself first so you are in a healthier place when the right guy comes. At least that’s how I feel it went when I met my current boyfriend. The guy before him did some real emotional damage, and even when I tried dating again those negative traits I gained while with him always came out and messed up all the potential. When I started looking at myself, I realized that I was pretty wounded still, and I didn’t want to feel like I was burdening my future partner with all my baggage. I didn’t want anyone to feel like they needed to “fix” me, and I didn’t want to become codependent of someone to make me feel good about myself. It took some time to heal but once I did, my current boyfriend came out of no where, and it’s been very fluid. I struggle with insecurities sometimes, feeling like he’s way too hot and I need to be perfect, but that’s a destructive way of thinking and I check myself each time. I couldn’t have done that in the past.

[Asker]

Wow.. you’re totally right. It really isn’t the right time for me to let anyone in. I’ve ruined a lot of things with guys because of my insecurities. They all said I have low self esteem. I really really really struggle with loving myself and tbh someone actually loving me scares me and irritates me at the same time. I am really mean to this guy who wants to actually get to know me. His “affection “ was very overwhelming for me..

All of my issues stem from childhood and adolescence for sure. They’re very deep rooted.. from words my mom said and how she made me feel.. just a lot.

I don't know if I’ll ever let love in but I am willing to work on myself and feel better about myself.

[HollyK21]

Maybe that’s a good way to start — from the very beginning with the first person that hurt you, which seems to be your mom (or parents, if your dad had a role in that as well). One thing I’ve noticed is that when people hurt others, it’s usually because they are hurting on the inside and may not even realize it. You mom is that way to you probably because that’s how she was raised. As a child it’s instilled in us to respect our parents, not that they should respect us as well and sometimes the parent abuses that right. Kids are defenseless and silently suffer through their mom/dad’s own trauma, whether it’s by being bullied, beaten, talked down on, etc etc. These sort of parents just don’t understand that kids are people too, and often times kids will internalize all that “harmless” mistreatment. It affects everything growing up and by the time we realize how much childhood damage has messed us up, we are 20+ and struggling with anxiety, depression, insecurity, etc, and are currently damaging ourselves on our own. It’s hard to rid ourselves of the toxic traits we’ve spent our whole lives feeding into, but at some point wanting to feel good as opposed to feeling bad will give you the push to really start working on ourselves. For you, just start with small things. Like maybe this dress doesn’t look so bad today, or my hair isn’t great but it’s not so bad. Small nudges of positivity eventually turn into bigger ones, and you are building your confidence, feeling better and that’s what you deserve in the end. That’s the person you want to sit at the table when someone wonders what you are bringing to it.

[Asker]

I definitely agree! I need to get back into therapy.

Be honest.. do you think he’ll ever reach out to me again?

[HollyK21]

Therapy definitely helps, same with journaling. I remember having an especially hard time at one point but then I went back through the journal entries and it was nice to see the progress I was making☺️. As for if he’ll reach out, I wouldn’t completely take it off the table, it seems like guys love to come back at least once lol.

[Asker]

Yeah maybe I’ll try journaling

[FilmGuy93]

Guys are different from women in that we tend not to do the whole scorched earth thing in relationships. If we don't hate you, we won't stop interacting with you simply because things got a little awkward.

[Asker]

He’ll never like me?

[FilmGuy93]

I didn't say that

[Asker]

Just wondering if guys ever like the girl they friendzone even tho I feel like there is no such thing

[FilmGuy93]

People's feelings can change. I wouldn't hold my breath, but it's not totally impossible either.

[spartan55]

Need the whole story please.