How do I deal with an introvert boyfriend who likes a lot of alone time?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend likes a lot of alone time, doesn’t show much affection to me (just a bit) and doesn’t often like to hang out, or hang out for long periods of time. He’ll cut it short. He’s a nice, respectful guy. But whenever I ask him to go do things that involve him being out of the house, he always wants usually to stay in instead.

I get it he’s an introvert. But I do feel like he forgets about me sometimes. More than once, he’s forgotten to text back for 2 days. He also goes on long trips by himself with his friends but doesn’t invite me. He said he doesn’t really show affection because he’s an introvert.

He’s a lovely guy, but sometimes I get so anxious after hanging out with him that I go home and throw up. Also, I’ve noticed he has some problems with close affection. Ex. He sleeps on the the furthest possible edge of the bed, facing away, and gets up in the morning before I can touch him. I want to feel comfortable around him, bc I did love him, but I am just so nervous all the time when I’m around him (maybe it’s a me problem). This makes it harder for me to bring up issues, like the affection etc. Is this normal for a guy like this? Thanks.

[UniquelyBasic]

It seems its just how he is and you two dont mesh well with eachother. I wouldn't try to force him to change as he may resent you for doing so. doesn't make him a bad person but he's not ready for a relationship and you aren't getting what you want out of the relationship. Id say leave him and move on to someone whos more your speed.

[Asker]

Oh gosh😭that’s what I thought. It’s so hard. Bc I really was so in love with him. It’s hard to part ways in a situation like this. It amazes me that people can just be like this, like it’s just so hard for me to wrap my head around 😓. Thanks for saying he’s probably not ready for a relationship, I do agree with that. It just hurts bc it puts more stress on me. Thank you for this answer & the advice❤️

[UniquelyBasic]

Glad I can help, Take care

[Anonymous]

I mean I’m an introvert too, I don’t think he is that involved in the relationship to be honest. He sounds like he wants it entirely on his terms, where you go, what you do. I mean I hated some of the shit my girlfriend made me do (did I really want to go to a wine tasting or her niece’s graduation?) but I did it. We also made out in the morning or just cuddled.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. I love this answer & it helps a lot. Also, I feel like it’s true that it’s on his terms; he just never really wants to do anything. I’m trying to learn more about introverts, but don’t know if these things are true in a relationship. Yours sounds more balanced. Thank you so much❤️

[Opinion Owner]

I mean I’m a big-time introvert but I’ve had a few relationships under my belt that lasted years, some with women I lived with. You can be an introvert and still be a good partner in a relationship.

The biggest thing about introverts is that going out to things like shows, concerts, fairs, parties, clubs, or even some family or friend social get together can be very draining on us. It’s like asking someone to go run 10 miles. You need to recover after it and just be alone and recharge.

But I would still do stuff with my girlfriend. We’d have coffee together in the morning or cook together or go on walks, go out to catch a movie, and along the way I’d work in things that she wanted to do. Did I really want to go to that outdoor concert downtown? No, but she likes to see and hear the bands play and see the fireworks at night, so I take one for the team, so to speak.

[Asker]

Oh this totally makes sense. Anything involving the outdoors he doesn’t like, and anything involving my family or other people. We do go on walks together or cook sometimes, there just isn’t too much affection. Maybe I’m just super different or feel awkward around him.

Thank you for this thoughtful answer, this honestly sounds lovely. I hope I can get to a middle point with him. If not we just may not be compatible

[ChiTown33]

Well his time with his friends is his time with his friends. Much like your time with your girlfriend's is your time with your girlfriend's. But you should always come first as should he with you. And loving someone means doing things sometimes that doesn't always thrill you. Because you know your partner does enjoy it and you love your partner. There's no excuse for him not doing those things. So long as you being fair with your question.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. Thanks for saying this. The friends thing makes so much sense, that’s a great analogy. And great, yeah I honestly feel like he just doesn’t wanna do stuff with me & im not unreasonable so this makes sense. Thanks again👍

[ChiTown33]

Don't think of it as "he doesn't want to do anything with you". He might just be more of a "homebody" then you. This is a balance that EVERYONE has to figure out when they're in a relationship. And this is also why some relationships don't continue. I'm not one for making threats. But if I were you I'd tell him what you're unhappy about. What you expect from him ( of course tactfully but FIRM). Then ball is in his court. All you can do is communicate. Then he has to decide if the potential future of the relationship is worth complying, changing for. If he doesn't then you have to decide how important this is to you. Actually you need to do that before ever saying it to him. Is this a deal breaker. Sometimes we have to choose our happiness even when we love someone. Because it's not fair to them or YOU if you're unhappy all the time.
I wish you the best of luck. 🙂

[one1wild00]

I'v got the opposite issue as you my SO is very standoffish, doesn't seem to like touch much, and hates it when I just stand and admire, almost have to make an app to have sex. Me on the other hand, touch i's my love language, horny 24/7/365. I think I have an inkling hoe you feel, but I don't have a good answer for you.

[Asker]

Oh thank you for this. It really is hard! Bc you know, you can’t tell if it’s because they don’t like you or it really is how they are. Some guys I haven’t liked, I won’t let them touch me as much. But some people are just weird about it I guess? I hope she shows you love in other ways. But touch is such a beautiful feeling I hope we both find it💕

[one1wild00]

She says she loves me but we are usually on different sleep cycles when the stars align since can sleep in the same bed at the same time she makes me feel like I'm intruding rather than being happy about it.