I am genuinely afraid, that my boyfriend might be having some... condition or dark side he is trying to suppress. What could he be battling inside?

[AvaOneLasTime]

Alright, my boyfriend, who i got back together with. I always knew he is somewhat... psychotic. Different. Primal. Dangerous. Polarizing. Because damn, he may act completely different from himself, the other day. I always knew and felt of this dark side of him. He can be sadistic. And i like that, because i can be masochist.

But sometimes, his behavior switches, he gets drunk on squeezing me. He might even slap me somewhere... sensitive and will keep his hand there, to... feed on my pain... with this... cruel look on his face.

But damn, less that two days ago, in the middle of the night:
We sleep together, in the same bed and it seems he had a bad dream or something? Something about women, because I woke up hearing - "fucking women". Still don't know if it was like - sex-ing women or damning women.
And he was holding one side/half of his face with a hand and was struggling so hard! It seemed like he was in pain, as if he had a serious headache. I asked him what's wrong and gently put my hands on him.

It was a mistake...

Like in a horror movie, he looked at me, with that only eye, which was not covered and it... just.. wasn't him. I did not recognize the guy i love in there. Instead... it was dread... I felt dread. A pure terror. As if something capable of and wanting to hurt/kill me, was looking at me. Then he blinked few times and as if he snapped out of it. He said we should get back to sleep. And he lied on the bed and i kid you not, he just fell asleep, like that!

Yeah, i didn't sleep the rest of the night.

Yesterday we worked out, we ran, then we went shopping. I saw him on two more occasions grabbing one side of his head and struggling... then just tells me he is fine.
Honestly, i am not sure how safe i feel with him, anymore. If at all. I mean, he told me he would kill for me, and i could tell he wasn't joking. We sometimes go out, with him wearing a pocket knife or even his gun, loaded. I mean, i feel safe from other people with him. But not from him..

Updates

+1 y

Addition:

Yah, we talked about it and he said he will consider visiting one of his two psychotherapists. But yeah, he definitely needs to visit, not just consider! Makes me feel so... unsure...

Updates

+1 y

Update: he has an appointment in approx. 36 hours. He is a man of his word, after all.

[Lionman95]

I would distance myself from him because if he really hides something you can´t change that. Sorry to say it that clear if he´s battling something that means you´re not safe around him because chances are that he´s not fully in control of his body and mind.
That leads to situations where he could be hurting and harming you not necessarily because he wants to but because he´s not in control.
You can´t change him and because he´s probably stronger than you the time you spend around him ALONE you´re always at risk of being harm. Trust your guts and go because as long as you don´t feel safe you´re not going to be.

Concerning your update: "he will consider visiting one of the two psychotherapists" sounds like a redflag to me because it leaves the option that he comes to the conclusion that he won´t because he doesn´t see the necessity to.
Until the moment he promises to do something about it and doesn´t do anything: YOU´RE NOT SAFE.

[AvaOneLasTime]

He said he really might. Relax. And I will be with him from tomorrow on again. I was away today for exam. I will make sure he does.

[Lionman95]

It´s just a warning that it could happen. Ok I may have misunderstood and over-reacted a bit because your text is full of points of concience to me in it a sense that they could lead to danger.
Keep him accountable that he really does and let him give you proof that he does in a way that he´s not only promising you something and has no need to actually do something about it.

[AvaOneLasTime]

But I am so curious... What or who is he fighting inside... If it's that serious, isn't it amazing willpower that he has, that he holds that darkness in him?

Or I am naive because of love...

[Lionman95]

I don´t know what he´s fighting maybe some kind of addiction because like if he wispered "fucking women" maybe he either thought of somekind of porn or bad experiences he had in the past and created some kind of trauma because of it.
But I´m no expert and it doesn´t sound like an usual part of male adolescence.

[bowenw]

It's understandable to want to help, but you should always put yourself first and do what is best for you.

He may get medical attention if you give him an ultimatum that he needs to deal with it or you can't be around him.

[yucychan]

I feel you and your boyfriend should have a time-out, take a break from each other.
Let him get better first.
What's the point of being in a relationship when you have to fear for your own life from your boyfriend?

[AvaOneLasTime]

We has a looong time-out. Don't want to anymore.

[DizzyDesii]

He sounds like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. he's already 10 years older. I dont trust this guy. Sleep with one eye open

[AvaOneLasTime]

You know, he have never hurt me, outside of our agreements. That much i can admit. And so often during night, he hugs me, cuddles, kisses my forehead. Hold my hands. Says he adores me. These moments.. make my heart beat harder...

And then, there are moment like two nights ago, where my heart stopped beating for few seconds...

[DizzyDesii]

He squeezes you uncomfortably and goes beastmode at night. I’d rather sleep elsewhere

[Xtendable]

Sounds very concerning like he may have psychosis or MPD. Is he using at the moment?

[AvaOneLasTime]

Using what?

[Xtendable]

Drugs

[AvaOneLasTime]

Nope.

[Xtendable]

Has he had therapy before, that you know of?

[AvaOneLasTime]

Yes.

[Xtendable]

Is that ongoing, or apparently resolved?

[AvaOneLasTime]

Updated.

[Xtendable]

Saw the update. Great news.

[motownplayer2000]

If you feel afraid then get out of the relationship.. just leave. You don’t need to give him that particular reason.. if it is going to be a life and death thing

[AvaOneLasTime]

Always so quick to dismiss the guy...
Read the update.

[motownplayer2000]

Good luck.

[UniquelyBasic]

Yeah, that was your first mistake, getting back with him.

[knallpilz]

Dude sounds hella dangerous. Seems to be what you're into. But dangerous nonetheless.

Definitely needs therapy. Sounds severely traumatized.

[sirderpsalot123]

I think you should trust your gut and leave him. It isn't normal to feel unsafe with the person you're with.

[Alcoholic_Wannabe]

"I always knew he is somewhat... psychotic. Different. Primal. Dangerous. Polarizing."

Cool story.. when are ya gonna publish it? LMAO.

[IsoUser]

To be perfectly honest it's probably just his hormones

[AvaOneLasTime]

That's... Way too simple!

[IsoUser]

My apologies for the obvious answer

[IsoUser]

Have you ever considered that he might be using Steroids or Drugs considering drastic mood changes? No Offence meant.

[AvaOneLasTime]

he takes nothing like that, i see all his medications, vitamins, proteins. Except maybe... Tribestan. For - increased testosterone production.
But bein manly and psychotic is different.

[In_Trance]

So if you're genuinely afraid, what are you going to do about it?

[AvaOneLasTime]

Oh, you reminded me. I will update the question, did not had enough space

[Jltakk]

If he's not going to therapy, get the f out of there.

[RealMarek]

Run, don’t walk. Run!

[TrillXHippy]

Leave