My male coworker texts me late at night sometimes about non work related things and seems to ask a lot of personal questions but it’s not ever day?

[Tinytina09]

Am I overanalyzing things?
A few weeks ago he messaged me after I gave a presentation about something and started asking a lot of questions and adding smileys. He also added me on LinkedIn same day and told me about it. He also said let’s meet for coffee one day and work together when he’s in town. Our other male colleague we work with told me something casually like “yeah he likes you. He thinks you’re cool.”
Anyway over text he seems to enjoy the conversation and asks a lot of questions and shared personal things about himself like his hobbies as well.
He even sent me videos to help me fall asleep one night. And said something like “yeah Mike was right, you are really funny”
Anyway he doesn’t message me every day, it’s just a couple times a week past 3 weeks.
Does he like me or am I reading into this too much and he just likes me as a friend?

[SteveSmith1985]

hahahaha, wow... you are suuuuuuper bad at picking up signals. 😂 This guy 100% likes you. He 100% likes you in about the most up-front-and-obvious way I've ever seen.

In fact, he's already asked you out on a date (that's... what it means when he askes to meet for coffee when he's in town).

So, you can stop wondering. I mean... I usually don't like to tell someone I'm "sure" someone likes them in a question response. But... in this case. Yea... FOR SURE he likes you.

Furthermore, he is fully assuming that YOU HAVE PICKED UP ON THAT (since... he is being so obvious, it's just as good as SAYING "I like you").
I don't feel bad for laughing at you... because I have nothing but good news for you. But this did make me laugh! 🙂

[Tinytina09]

What about my paragraph makes you so sure?

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 yeah I am stupid at picking up most social cues. I think no guy is attracted to me like that.

[SteveSmith1985]

I can't help but feel like you DO actually see this more than you're letting on. I say that because of what information you chose to include. You can take literally any sentence you wrote. That's a clear indicator of someone who likes you. Taken together... it's exactly as clear as if he came right out and said "I like you in a romantic way"

[Tinytina09]

What about him not texting me every day?
Today was my birthday (although he did wish me a happy birthday couple days in advance) but he didn’t reach out today. Which makes me doubt his interest.

[SteveSmith1985]

well that's silly. Where did you get this expectation that he should be texting you everyday or he's not interested? That's just... crazy. Also, I hope you text him fist too. Otherwise, you're lucky this guy keeps texting you as regularly as he is!

[SteveSmith1985]

Happy Birthday by the way!!

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 I think he could just be being friendly though. I tend to overthink things.

[SteveSmith1985]

This is clear. If you don't see it... then honestly... you truly are bad at picking up on social signals. I happen to be very good at it. You're going to have to just take my opinion for what it's worth.

I tend to think you're actually better at it than you're pretending. I'm not gonna sit here and try and convince you that a guy who clearly likes you... indeed likes you... when it's THIS CLEAR to anyone. That seems like someone playing coy. I don't have patience for that.

P. S. (if you're like legitimately autistic or something, then I genuinely apologize. If that happens to be the case, DM me, and I'll happily explain in detail, and apologize again 🙂)

[Tinytina09]

I am on the spectrum so my dating life and social interaction reading can be very trivial.
No worries. This is so greatly appreciated by me that you took time to really explain this to me.

[SteveSmith1985]

nope. Not ok. I would like to apologize. I am sorry for making the assumption I did. I thought I recognized what you were doing, but I was clearly wrong.

You know how sometimes a pretty girl will talk about how ugly they are... in an effort to fish for compliments? I have also seen people do the same thing with "do you really think they like me" (knowing damn-well that the person clearly likes them... just like the 'pretty girl' knows damn well she's not ugly).

So, the assumption I was making, was that you knew damn-well what all these things meant, but were just "fishing for... confirmation of something you already knew".

So, I guess I'm not as good at reading social signals as I thought huh? 😉

Truly, though, I am sorry. I really would like to chat with you if you'd still like to? (I would just message you, but... kinda feel like I should leave the ball in your court... you know... after being a bit of an asshole and whatnot). 🙂

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 he mentioned flying in to my city but mentioned two of us getting drinks with our other coworker who’s also a guy. Am I being friend zoned if he wants the other guy to go too? Or is it to make things less awkward?

[SteveSmith1985]

No, he isn't trying to friendzone you. You're much closer with the "to make it less awkward", but I would think it's not quite that.

So, this is me interpreting a situation (so it's less clear to me than say, signs that a guy likes you... but still, I am fairly confident I'm reading this right).

Now, I don't think he AT ALL is trying to make things less awkward in the way you're thinking. He isn't worried about being 'nervous to be alone with you.' Like he isn't worried that he'll run out of things to say and it'll be awkward, so he invited the other guy too.

I think what's happening here is: This guy has been quite obvious in sending signals that he is interested in you. But because you were hesitant to interpret those signs and signals as being 'ronamtic interest' (for fear of being mistaken... fair enough).

Since you weren't sure that he was sending "I like you" signals... naturally the signals you send back in return likely left HIM unsure as to whether YOU were interested in him or not.

[SteveSmith1985]

That would be esentially as humiliating as going in for a kiss and being rejected. Going in for a kiss is so clearly "romantic interest", neither person is able to even pretend "a kiss" means anything else. Him asking you to drinks, after your interactions thus-far is exactly as clearly "romantic interest". Being wrong in either situation... about whether You're into him... would be awful.

Odds are that he's already tried to figure out some sort of signal with the other guy... to say "ok buddy... time for you to leave the two of us alone... I wasn't wrong... I think she IS interested".

Now that "signal" thing with the other guy is for sure happening. It just wouldn't surprise me. If there isn't a plan to have the other guy leave if things seem to be going well... then he might just be planning for the "just the two of you" dates for a second date.

Either way, the point of bringing the other guy is to feel-out how you and he vibe together in person (if you seem to be romantically interested). The other guy takes the pressure off from it being undeniably a date... if... you're not on that page (he's not clear/confident his feelings are fully reciprocated).

Things like "he doesn't text me every day" makes me think (for example, that he is usually the one initiating contact. If so, that's an example of "not returning signals" that he would expect if you were interested back.

Hope that helps! I'm glad you don't think I'm a jerk forever and always. 🙂

[SteveSmith1985]

**signal with other guy ISN'T for sure happening (maybe.,.. maybe not)**

[Tinytina09]

Thank you so much! I gave you the MHO award. You’re awesome. Keep being great!

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 oh and he said he noticed me change my picture on WhatsApp several times which makes me think he visits my profile like daily to look at my pics.

[SteveSmith1985]

haha, you are exactly correct in your read on what that means 😊. Now... my question is: What are YOU doing (little things... like him mentioning this picture thing... thereby giving you that 'signal' that... he looks at your profile often...)

You see..."he knows, that you know, what it means when he says the profile picture comment. (read that back if you have to... it does make sense!) It means he likes you. AND HE KNOWS THAT'S WHAT YOU"LL THINK.

So, in a small way, it's him "putting himself out there" by giving you this signal that he likes you. Seeing as he is aware that YOU KNOW that this means he likes you...

This guy is eagerly awaiting SOME sign FROM YOU, IN RETURN!!! If you fail to send BACK signals that his feelings are reciprocated, he will get the impression that you aren't interested.

In other words: "Girl... you BETTER be flirting with this guy, or otherwise letting him know you like him too" (and maybe you are... I just haven't heard about it so am unaware)

So... may I ask about your... flirt-back-skills? What do you think HE thinks about how YOU feel about him romantically?

[Tinytina09]

Haha 😂 well I play along and laugh at what he says too. I heart his messages and pics he sends me. I have asked him when he’s coming into town. I told him he’s really funny back. LOL I mean I just go with the flow and ask a lot of questions back and answer in timely manner. I’m not sure he gets it but I hope so. Trying to let him know as much as a I can too.

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh all of this sounds perfect. You sound like you're doing exactly what I was talking about already. There is no doubt that he gets it. It sounds like you're both poised to get together, and... who knows what happens after! This time you're in (right now) is one of the best times in a relationship. When you both know you like each other... but you haven't actually talked about it... but you KNOW things are happening between you... it's a fucking magical time. Enjoy it, because it's a stage you can't ever repeat (with the same person anyway). It's good times. Stomach-butterflies and goofy-grins galore. 🙂

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 he told me he’ll be in town either this month or next and said we will grab drinks (with my other coworker who’s also a guy LOL) to celebrate my birthday which was a couple days ago. He told me he forgot and apologized but wished me well. He then mentioned some restaurant and if I've been there but no ask of going together. It seems things are at a good point but next step before getting too deeply invested is to meet in person. Hope things work out.

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes, it certainly sounds like everything seems to be falling into place! And yes, you're right about the next step. Seeing someone in person can help you know whether you're feeling that chemistry. I hope everything works out for you too! At this stage, everything looks 100% promising. Just keep doing exactly what you've been doing, and, wait for him to let you know he'll be coming to town. 🙂

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 I don’t like the other guy coworker he wants us to meet up with. He’s really annoying and micromanages me (might like me too). So how can I, when he’s in town, like convey I just am fine with the two of us meeting up?

[SteveSmith1985]

You should do it as early as possible. Don't wait until he (they are actually in town). If you mention that "you're not a huge fan" of the other guy, and would prefer he didn't come now (or soon) then it's easy. The third guy likely hasn't even been told about the plans at this point. I'm guessing this is a friend of his who he knows would be up for going out for drinks on a business trip. If you wait until they're in town, then you end up with a more awkward situation where the guy has to somehow get 'uninvited'. Make this clear before he gets 'invited' in the first place. You should speak up ASAP.

This also has a secondary benefit of making it pretty clear to both of you... that... maybe this isn't just the 'friendly meeting of colleagues' you 've both been somewhat pretendfing this is going to be. You will be letting him know, as you said, "that you're just fine with it being just the two of you" (along with everything that implies).

[SteveSmith1985]

You'd be fairly explicitly making this meeting for drinks, more of a "date". That's not at all a bad thing. In fact, it's a good thing. As long as you are aware that you are 'taking whatever emotional risk' might be involved in being up-front about wanting to see this guy on a romantic footing. DOn't get me wrong, I think you absolutely SHOULD tell him that you'd prefer it was just the two of you. Just as long as you understand what doing so will 'signal' (again... I think that's GOOD. SEND THAT SIGNAL! BE CLEAR!!!).

As for "how exactly" to do it? That depends on your style and personality. You can start with asking him not to bring the other guy because you don't like him and end up at "just the two of us". Or you can not mention your dislike of the other guy at all, and right from the begining pitch it as "I think we'd have a better time if it was just the two of us".

It honestly doesn't really matter how you go about it. As long as you do it soon (like... asap). And as long as he comes away knowing that when you two meet for drinks, it will be just the two of you! 🙂

[Tinytina09]

Sounds good. I thought you said he for sure likes me though? @SteveSmith1985

[SteveSmith1985]

He does. People are sometimes still giant pussies when it comes to showing/admitting their feelings. You can be confident he likes you. There are still people who would be really stupid about takaing anything they could perceive as an emotional risk.

I only was outlining "you do know what that'll mean, right?" as essentially, "double-checking" that you understood how it would be understood (in case you were one of those giant pussies).

Let me put it this way: Explicitly SAYING to each other "I like you and am interested" would be a bit more of an "overt emotional risk" than either of you are wanting to take at this stage (totally fair and makes sense).

Asking that the evening be just the two of you, is... much much closer to that 'overt emotional risk' of straight-up TELLING him how you feel.

I was just hedging against a situation where you weren't fully appreciating the considerably more 'overt' "I'm interested romantically" signal you'd be sending to him.

I think you understand it perfectly, so the fact that I'm doing any hedging at all is throwing you off. Don't let it. You're good. He likes you, and I think you should totally ask that it be just the two of you.

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 he doesn’t reach out to me that often though. Just last Saturday. Nothing since (and it’s Thursday evening). I know our next step is to meet up when he’s here, from our last convo, but is he not interested if he’s not reaching out to me that much? Is he stringing me along?

[SteveSmith1985]

No, I wouldn't say there's anything to suggest he's stringing you along. Also, there could be several reasons he may not be reaching out as often as he was.

First, my initial, reaction was "well... why haven't YOU reached out"? And... that is FOR SURE where to start. You gave me the impression earlier (don't ask me exactly where) that you tended to wait for him to reach-out to you. Is that the case? Or do I have that wrong? (and I may).

If that IS the case, then mystery solved: He wants YOU to show a little interest so has decided to let you initiate a conversation (if that's unusual).

So before anything else... why haven't you reached out to him? You're interested right? Well... you need to show it by doing your share of the 'interest showing' when it comes to who reaches out to who. If you don't have a good reason why it should be him rather than you who reaches out. Then that's step one. I do have more thoughts (nothing at all bad or anything that should cause you worry). However, let's make sure it's not this simple, obvious and super-common reason first.

So... why haven't you reached out to him? Why not do so right now?

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 I always thought if men were interested they’d reach out first and always do the pursuing. I’ve only had to message him once first last few weeks. Also it’s not clear to us that we’re dating, I think we’re just attracted to each other right now.
Just if a guy likes a girl wouldn’t he want to touch base with her more? And see what she’s been up to?
On the other hand we work together and I’m sure he doesn’t want to talk about work outside of work.
Just should I start looking at other guys and forget him for now?

[SteveSmith1985]

Hooooly shit girl. No! you should not forget about him and move on. There's no reason to!!! At all! Everything is still JUST FINE.

And it makes perfect sense that he isn't reaching out as often!!! That 1950's bullshit is the only reason you've gone as long as you have without talking. Your ideas that it's the man's job to do the persuing is bullshit (in my opinion, and many other guys... this is actually a common question on here).

So given that, most guys are NOT going to see it the way you do. The reason he hasn't reached out as often is quite easy: He feels (for good reason!) that YOU must not be interested, since... its ALWAYS him reaching out to you. He would think (rightly!) that if YOU were interested, you'd bother to reach out to him at least some of the time. And... I mean... isn't that reasonable?

So eventually anybody (guy or girl) is going to start feeling like an idiot if the person they're interested in, doesn't show an equal level of interest BACK!

I was literally talking to someone an hour ago, about how she was going to wait and let the guy she's talking to reach out to her (as she had reached out the last 3 times).

Honestly, you are pretty clearly telling him that YOU are no longer interested by continuing to wait. It's your turn to reach out. So... you really need to!

Other than that everything is fine, and everything will be fine again, once you start doing HALF of the reaching out.

This is as easy-a-fix as fixes come. No problem. But do it.

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 I don’t think he likes me like that. Could just think I’m cute and wanted to be friendly. I bet he has so many options for women he’s interested in in addition to me outside of work that he’s also pursuing. This is why I get stressed with dating - it’s really hard when you have aspergers and also think no one likes you romantically. I’ll just assume he’s not interested and just forget the whole thing.

[SteveSmith1985]

Also, yes, you're absolutely right that you two aren't "dating" yet. You're in a pre-dating phase that doesn't really have any settled name. You're description of "attracted to each other" is as good as any other name I've heard ("we're talking" is often something people will say. e. g. "I met this guy, he seems nice, and we've been... talking")

The thing is... this is the stage with even MORE potential for stupid misunderstandings. Nothing is quite clear, nobody is fully speaking their mind. It's also a really fun stage. But its not any easier to navigate than 'dating".

This 'talking' stage is... its ALLL about "showing interest". That's done in various ways, but... it's all a bunch of reciprocal signals meant to strengthen someone's confidence that another person is indeed interested in them.

Then the usual progression would be for two people 'talking' to go out on a date. If that date goes well, then a second and a third date.

Now... at THIS point, if both people implicitly or explicitly agree to continue going on dates the term "dating" might apply, for SOME people. (if you're someone who dates more than one person at once, isn't necessarily looking for something longterm etc...)

However, often (but not always) people use the term "dating" to mean "seeing someone where we've agreed to be exclusive... or are just shy of that point.

But "dating" is always going to imply that you have gone out multiple times, and mutually want to continue doing so.

Anyway, I look forward to you not worrying anymore, once you see he's totally still interested (which you will... when you message/call him). Besides, you've got something you need to say to him anyway! You can tell him not to bring the other guy! 🙂

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 UPDATE: So I texted him and mentioned I wanted to meet with just him because the other guy makes me uncomfortable and his reply was just “oh, ok. Sure, thanks for letting me know! May I ask what happened? I thought you two were buddies.” So I asked if we could do a call and talk about it and he said “sure, how about in like 2 hours I can call?”
What do you think of this? I definitely think he’s not interested now. :/ he seemed less happy

[SteveSmith1985]

Hmmmm, well to be honest his reaction to your saying "just the two of us" isn't quite what you'd ideally expect from him if he was interested. But... I'm hoping you'll have a much better sense of whether or not he's interested after the phone-call.

There are several possibilities that might account for his reaction (but not mean "lost interest")

So, first, part of this could be some genuine surprise that you don't like this other guy (who I'm guessing HE really thinks is a good guy). He might be genuinely wondering "if something happened" or why in the world you don't like this guy.. who he assumed you did.

[SteveSmith1985]

He could be relying on this other guy's presence more than I am assuming he would be. Your original question of whether he was bringing the other guy as sort of a security blanket might be more true than I was assuming. I was assuming it was more for "appearances" (taking the pressure off by not going out alone with you). It's possible he is more nervous/shy/less confident than I have been imaginig. Maybe the idea of going out 'just the two of you' is something more nerve wracking for this particular guy.

But, also, this could be a matter of me trying to interpret a conversation AS RELAYED BY ONE PARTY. So, what I mean is:

It seems weird to me that he would focus on "wait... but I thought you liked that guy", rather than being excited/happy for seeing you (even without him).

But then again, I imagine you didn't tell me everything each of you said. Only what seemed relevant to you. So I'm wondering if he said anything aside from stuff about 'you not liking that other dude'?

[SteveSmith1985]

Also, when you say "he seems less happy"... it's hard for me to trust that as necessarily accurate. You have been LOOKING for signs of disinterest (at least since yesterday), and, no offence, but I'm not willing to trust you on this point, because I feel like you are VERY much inclined to interpret this in a pessimistic way.

Also, if he isn't interested, then nothing else he has done up until now makes any sense. I doubt he's LOST interest (he once had) in a couple of days. Not now that you've reached out first and you're talking again.

So, don't start jumping to any conclusions too early. See how the phonecall goes.

Try and steer the conversation beyond talking about why you don't like his friend. You really don't even need to spend much time on why you don't like him. Explain why, don't let him try and argue with you about why you should like this other guy. Just bring up other things. Anything. And have a regular conversation. See how it goes.

Basically, "this one thing does not suggest interest (maybe). Every single other thing he has ever said or done DOES suggest interest. I'm gonna guess that we are somehow misreading where he is coming from on this one thing (his response to your 'just the two of us.

[SteveSmith1985]

It's not a bad idea to talk about some of the details of "when he's in town" (like maybe talk about some local pub or restaurant that might be a good place to go). Then you can kinda guage how he seems when discussing those future plans.

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 the call went well actually and he said he understands and that he was just scared of saying anything wrong out of fear of harassment or anything. I told him no we can still talk! Anyway he was laughing his ass off at like everything I said and told me I’m hilarious and so funny.

[SteveSmith1985]

One last random thought. I have no idea about the nature of your work, or the relative power positions of the three of you.

Is there ANY chance that this guy might be worried about somehow getting in trouble for mixing work and romance... in some way where he thought the presence of this other guy helped protect him (legally, or from official work troubles). Like do you have a "no dating policy" for example. And he wants someone else there?

(this is a random long-shot... I'm not suggesting this is likely)

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 the call went well actually and he said he understands and that he was just scared of saying anything wrong out of fear of harassment or anything. I told him no we can still talk! Anyway he was laughing his ass off at like everything I said and told me I’m hilarious

[SteveSmith1985]

haha, awesome! SO my random long-shot answer WAS the one afterall!

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 I’m not sure why he kept saying something about the other guy coming initially. I thought he’d be more excited that it’d be just us.
Maybe he seemed less enthused because he was worried thinking I reported him and might do the same to him?
Also he mentioned I’m at the top of his list of people he messages on WhatsApp.

[SteveSmith1985]

I am really glad that you're back knowing this guy's interested. He totally is. I'm really happy that you two are chatting and laughing. You are on a path that's actually pretty hard to mess-up. Just keep doing what you're doing... and... initiate half of the conversations. (at least at the beginning). Everything else should be smooth-sailing-to-date-town

[Tinytina09]

@SteveSmith1985 at the end of our call, he told me he really had to go, but he said “there was something I was going to tell you but I’ll tell you later (after telling me I’m hilarious)” so I was like “tell me now!” And he goes “oh no no I really have to go.” So I told him to text me later and tell me.

[slatyb]

That's highly inappropriate unless you already have a personal relationship, and would be a serious violation in many companies. How do you feel about this? How did get your personal phone number?

It's perfectly reasonable for you to tell him that you keep your professional and personal lives separate.

[Tinytina09]

Hmm no I like him too.
He has it from another male coworker who had us in a group text.

[slatyb]

It's weird that you use your personal phone number for such things instead of some sort meeting app or message board. So why aren't you dating?

[Tinytina09]

@slatyb it’s WhatsApp that we talk over but no it’s not linked to work stuff.
I don't know I doubt he likes me and just wanted to get more acquainted.

[Tinytina09]

I want to date him. I don't know if that’s what he wants because he doesn’t live in my city. We’re all remote rn.

[AADIDEV]

Okayy... girl... he truly loves you and he wants to know about you and also wants you to know about him...

Everything is going in right direction and at a right pace just beahve like you don't know he loves you...

[Tinytina09]

@AADIDEV why do you say he loves me?

[AADIDEV]

Maybe 6th sense 😂

[Man-O-Metal]

Dude likes you. Period. No guy acts like that just because they want to get to know a new female friend.

[Tinytina09]

@Man-O-Metal he’s only done it a couple times bur I don't know why he likes me? Maybe he is just being friendly or does it with everyone? He thinks I’m funny and took a lot of interest in my hobby which is dancing and asked for videos of it.

[Th3ft]

Sounds like you are pretty likable!! I’m sure he does!

[Tinytina09]

@th3ft he's only done it a couple times bur I don't know why he likes me? Maybe he is just being friendly or does it with everyone? He thinks I’m funny and took a lot of interest in my hobby which is dancing and asked for videos of it.

[Imsmurter1]

he shouldn't be messaging you at night sounds like he likes you.

[serious]

To me it is clear he likes you.

[Waldoe]

he LIKES you... duh...

[Tinytina09]

@Waldoe he mentioned flying in to my city but mentioned two of us getting drinks with our other coworker who’s also a guy. Am I being friend zoned if he wants the other guy to go too? Or is it to make things less awkward?

[WhitneySnow]

I think he likes you

[AFretiredTXn]

Yes he likes you.