If he almost hit you but didn't, is it supposed to be a deal breaker?

[Gloree]

It was over something not too serious.

He called to meet for lunch but i gave an excuse as I had already promised to honor lunch with a childhood friend that I recently ran into. He wanted us to catch up & I didn't mind as we were really close back then.

It's just that unfortunately my man entered the same restaurant for lunch with his best friend. It was quite awkward because I told him I was busy in the office so to see me there with the guy got him concluding the worst. I could see it in his eyes.

Luckily everyone acted mature there but later at his place when I had to go and clear the air, he was still questioning me and it caused an argument and he kept telling me to lower my voice which I couldn't until he released his belt. I was shocked into silence. Then he just flung it aside and left for a drive. I returned home and he's been calling but I'm yet to respond.

Do you think because of this, he will be abusive? He has always been doting Please, tell me your thoughts. Thanks.

Updates

1 y

To clear the air with you guys, I raised my voice as he kept insisting I was lying and I should confess & he would forgive me.

I started shouting that I wasn't lying & he began advising that I lower my voice & I couldn't stop. That's when he removed his belt. So I stopped because he folded it and dared me to keep talking. I quote him. "Maybe you prefer iron hand instead of the gentleness I've been spoiling you with." He dumped it and left in the middle of my shock. There, you have the full stor

Updates

1 y

Hi, guys, we have settled. He apologized for almost belting me and I apologized for lying.

[CallmeTheKnight]

You're a lied and he's threatening. Where to start... firstly, nothing is wrong with catching up with friends, but you lied and was at this particularly location where he planned on seeing you at... did it not occur to you to tell him what you had going on instead of brushing him off? Even if it was unintentional, you have a issue with communication, which led to all this. For all he knows, it looked like you were cheating given that you lied.

He on the other hand, he was threatening, but I wouldn't call that abusive. Your yelling didn't help the issue at hand and he was basically at his end with his anger. That is a sign something can go bad, but I'm not sure for certain. I can't speak of previous incidents the both of you might have had, but the situation all around is bad.

No matter how big or small the lie is, it is still a lie and that is serious. You may not see it as a big deal, but what if he lied to you about being at work and was with another woman? It wouldn't look right. He had a right to question you about it, because he was still in the dark, but your anger didn't help either. Like I said before, it looks bad for the both of you.

For a moment, I thought I was reading from a section of some romantic drama, so you have a way with words. Just talk to him from a distance for a while to understand where he comes from and hopefully you tell the truth this time.

[AviatorTom]

He's not abusive. He checked his anger and walked away without hitting you. That's a good sign. Everyone gets angry sometimes, and to control that anger is what makes a person a good person rather than an abuser.

[Gloree]

Thank you.

[AviatorTom]

Thanks for the mho

[AviatorTom]

@Gloree Glad you settled things amicably. Best wishes in your relationship together.

[Gloree]

Thank you. Your advice helped.

[loveslongnails]

Before I responded, I checked to see your age. Really? 35? Your my age.

So you lied to him - no, it wasn't a made up "excuse" - it was an outright LIE for no good reason whatsoever. Why the hell didn't you just say " That's sweet, and I'd love to, but I'm already having lunch with a childhood friend that I recently ran into. How about tomorrow?"

It's a rhetorical question. If your answer is that somehow you didn't want him to know, or didn't want questions about "who's the childhood friend - is it a guy?", then you have far deeper problems to be concerned with about your whole relationship. As it turns out, that concern is actually WARRANTED since he took off his belt and you were afraid he'd hit you. Yes, that's a deal breaker.

He's terribly wrong about that, but why did your voice have to raise during your explanation? Even if he wasn't accepting your story, why would you raise your voice to the point where he asked you to keep it down? I don't know how long you've been seeing him, but this doesn't sound healthy to me when you chose to lie over such a foolish thing.

[Gloree]

I wasn't really thinking when I decided to make the excuse. But that's because he usually is territorial. Thanks.

[Panzer21]

Lying to him was a bad move, if you simply told him that you promised to have lunch with a friend then he should accept that, it would have been entirely on him if he didn't accept that.

Little white lies can be the most damaging sometimes.

That being said, coming that close to hitting you is not acceptable. That does put you in a position where you fear violence from someone you're supposed to trust and be vulnerable to.

I dont know whether its best to talk this out or end it, thats your call. But Id say own and apologize for the little lie, but the potential for abuse is not something you cannot abide. He needs to apologize for even considering going that far. You two have a fair bit to work out if you want to maintain a relationship, but you can't lie over something so small like that anymore, and he cannot do that a second time. Good luck!

[sage2021]

I don't blame him. You flat out lied to him when you didn't have to.
Imagine how he felt when he saw you and some other guy together when you told him some other reason you couldn't have lunch with him? Instantly he must have felt angry, betrayed, hurt, found out you are a liar and now he will never trust him again.
As far as taking off his belt, he did just have lunch didn't he? Maybe he was uncomfortable.
Either way, the relationship will never be the same as it was.
So, you aren't trustworthy and he might be violent. Doesn't sound like love to me.

[sage2021]

Next time you decide to keep yelling at him over something that YOU caused, you should stop yelling and be quiet. Usually it's the people that lie scream the loudest and longest because they got caught lying. You got busted! You are lucky he left and didn't stay and beat you like some people do.

[Gloree]

We have settled. I apologized. He apologized. Thanks

[ohsheeT]

I don't really mean to sound like a dick but you have to look at things a little bit deeper the other thing is is you lied to him or something so petty how do we know you're not lying right now and I don't mean to be a dick like I said but it's like you lied to him he confronted you your loud why are you so loud there's no reason to be loud you should introduce each other to each other I mean should have had lunch together not that big of a deal but if you feel you're hiding something and he wants to know the answer and you're just becoming louder and louder he should have just walked away I'd want to know why you're so loud and why would a guy just take his belt off right in the middle of something like that I don't know if I don't think it was going to f*** you was he right then and there I don't know the whole thing is just one big red flag to me but if it is true and he did take off his belt that is a big red flag

[ohsheeT]

Wow has he ever done that before with you taken his belt off

[Gloree]

No. It was the first time

[ohsheeT]

Yeah that would have been a shocker to me I would have said what the f*** are you doing and I just can't picture why a guy would take his belt off like that it's just it's so weird

[ohsheeT]

I mean if it was in the Kink realm or something like that you know that's a whole different story but yeah it's just that's just kind of weird

[ohsheeT]

Have you guys discussed it since you know everything that had happened

[Gloree]

Yeah. We have settled.

[ohsheeT]

Everything ok

[Gloree]

Yeah.

[ohsheeT]

Well if you would ever like to chat about it send me a DM there's just something very I don't know now I think there's something just very hot about it and I don't understand that why I'm feeling that maybe you can explain to me

[Gloree]

Hot that we argued? Hahaha. It wasn't funny at all. Trust me, I was scared. I thought I was going to be whipped and our relationship will end.

[ohsheeT]

No not that part it's not that it's funny. It's kinda hot. it's I can feel your energy with your words and I'm trying to put myself in his shoes knowig you) lied and if you lied I would think what was she trying to hide by lying now your up set because he's saying stuff that's not true. And that's passing you more off so your getting loud And louder. He's telling you to hold your voice down your saying fuck you. He's saying fuck you I will fuck you right now so he starts to take off his belt maybe to gag you or He's going to fuck you right there in front of your friend I don't know why but I think that is hot

[Gloree]

Oh my God, you have a wild imagination. It didn't happen in front of my friend. It happened at his place. Cause i went over to his place to explain myself after he caught me there. He walked away with his friend after seeing us there. Then I got his message to meet him at his place and explain what the hell he just saw. So I had to excuse my childhood friend and leave. That's where the whole drama began.

[ohsheeT]

No I understand I was just thinking of all the possibilities and it could have really turned into a very hot moment I don't know why when he took off his belt that he did not show you exactly how much he loved you are something to that fact I think it could have been one hell of a sexy moment and he should have taken advantage of that I think I mean I just I'm smiling right now because of all the thoughts that I'm thinking on which different directions it could have went they could have been just so hot sexy romantic passionate lustful just downright dirty naughty hot and I think that's where I would have taken it if I was him

[Staximus]

He should not have threatened you with violence. The relationship should end. You should not have screamed at him because this situation is all your fault. You did not take his feelings into consideration, pull your head out of your ass. What was he supposed to think when his girlfriend went to lunch with another man instead of him? Every guy is going to suspect his girlfriend is cheating on him it's she's hanging out with another guy and it's just the two of them. Never go out to lunch with another man instead of your man. If it was with a group of old friends that would have been fine, but it was just you and the guy. You have humiliated him in front of his friend and now his friends think he's a guy who lets his girlfriend screw around with other guys. Let this be a lesson and don't do stupid shit like this in the future.

[Pyrofox]

If my girlfriend hit me and it was purposefully or it was close but a miss, it would probably trigger my ptsd and I wouldn't be comfortable for what could be a week or even longer in terms of cuddling. I really don't take well to abuse of any kind. (And tbh she wouldn't do that cause I know my like lost puppy mode would probably trigger her already emotionally unstable state like a nuke hitting a pane of glass. She's told me multiple times that she would never hit me or intentionally hurt me. Cause she told it would probably make her mental state dip so hard. *That she actually started sweating bullets while saying that*)

[OlderAndWiser]

You fucked up. You lied to him about what you were doing and he caught you in your lie. WHy should he ever again trust you? Imagine if he lief and then you caught him having lunch with some girl from his past.

That does not excuse his behavior and if he was threatening violence and you felt intimidated, tha is enough reason to say Adios.

[OlderAndWiser]

I read your update and don't need to change one word of what I said.

[Gloree]

I understand but no one is perfect. We have settled.

[OlderAndWiser]

I hope that you resolve your differences but in my experience, this is likely to surface again, relatively soon.

[CelestialSiren]

This sounds like a bad relationship for both of you at this point. You really messed up by lying about what you were doing. He had every right not to believe you now, and it’s going to be very difficult to earn his trust back.

However, that, in no way, gives him any excuse to hit or even threaten to hit you. That is a huge red flag and might mean he’s been abusive in a prior relationship.

[PJH359]

You should definitely weigh such an action very carefully. As time goes on and you get know one another better you will both feel more and more comfortable with one another. Your relationship will become more passionate and more intense in almost every facet of its being. Therefore if he can get that close to striking you now, the likelihood of those close calls becoming more intense are very likely. I can unfortunately almost guarantee you will be hit at some point in the future.

[Anonymous]

You lied to your boyfriend.
He gets angry because you lied to him.
You raise your voice to him.
You won’t stop even after he asks you to stop.

Do you seriously think that a man who has never so much as laid a finger on you is suddenly going to jump to whipping you with a belt?

For all you know he had indigestion and felt sick to his stomach from stress after eating and dealing with your lies. So he took his belt off. Did he wrap it around his hand? Did he wave it at you? Did he swing it through the air or brandish it? If no, I’m more inclined to believe he wanted to get comfortable and then get the fuck away from you and go for a drive to be alone.

[Gloree]

As you can see from the update, he was going to whip me.

[SaidNobodyEver]

If you had to question it I probably wouldn’t risk it. Definitely wouldn’t just let it go. I’d be mad if I thought I was getting cheated on but I don’t know that I would be throwing things around. It’s almost ape-ish behavior when people get like that and maybe that only the surface. Maybe you guys have a conversation about how that reaction made you feel. Clearly he felt betrayed so he probably just needs some reassurance. Not an argument. Cannot stress that enough. It will only close people off more if one of you doesn’t makes that effort to remain vulnerable so the other can vent.

[LilyoftheLake]

The fact that he DIDN'T hit you is more telling that the fact that he ALMOST did. I'd be wary, and have an honest conversation with him, but I don't think it's a dealbreaker.

[Gloree]

Thank you. We have settled the matter.

[LilyoftheLake]

I'm happy to hear that!

[anon1903]

Seriously? What is happening to this world, hon? A man takes out his belt because you deceived him / he might be suspicious that you're going on behind his back, but without any concrete evidence — he decides his belt is gonna do the talking. And just because he doesn't hit you, DOESN'T MEAN HE CAN'T OR HE WON'T TRY SIMILAR THINGS IN FUTURE. Huge red flag, girl.

[Baylayy]

He thought you were cheating. You shouldn't have lied to him. I would break up if I saw my SO with a different guy and had lied to me. That's fucked up and sus. I won't blame him for his reaction but if he had hit you then that's not fair. But your actions caused this situation

[anon1903]

I think breaking up is still okay, the belt move was wacko tho

[Gloree]

@anon1903 this is the first time it happened. We have settled.

[anon1903]

Good

[Vesuvius87]

Anyone a partner hits or threatens physical abuse it's a bad sign. Have you told him that was scary?
The only other physical contact (besides kissing and hugging) my current boyfriend and I have is during sparring in Judo classes, but not in anger. Nope. If done in anger then it should be an immediate deal-breaker, no ifs nor buts, no 2nd chances, none.

[Anonymous]

You lied to your boyfriend. I’d be pretty fuckin pissed off if that was me.


He took his bet off and flung it aside and you’re saying he was going to hit you…


It’s girls like you who will then turn it into a whole “he was abusive towards me” even though nothing happened and you just assume he was going to hit you.

[anon1903]

The belt move would have been justified if she'd been caught red handed with a stranger in bed. She didn't. Lots of people have friends, eat out and chill. Depending on her profession, clients and such also eat out. It's irrational to threaten one's partner with belt not knowing why they lied and who the hell was the dude.

[Opinion Owner]

He took his belt off and that was a threat?
Nothing wrong with having friends and eating out, that’s not the problem, the problem is that she LIED TO HER BOYFRIEND. That’s how you get him to not trust you.
When I get upset I take my jewellery off, earrings and rings because it feels so uncomfortable and annoying, does that mean I’m about to throw fits? Fuck no. He took of his belt and thew it down and that’s him threatening her?

[anon1903]

The asker clarified that he didn't randomly take off his belt, he clearly wanted to beat her but decided against it.

If your partner is liar, you can break up with them. But abuse isn't the answer.

[Opinion Owner]

From always being a doting partner to suddenly abusing… nah. She never said he didn’t ask off his belt randomly nor did she say he clearly wanted to beat her. She said he took it off, she was shook and he flung it’s aside. Girl please … we all know abuse is never an answer, no one ever said it was but he took off his belt for God sake, doesn’t mean he was going to beat her and just assuming he was because he took off his belt is ridiculous.

[anon1903]

Doting partner can also mean he's a narcissist who was love bombing her until now

[anon1903]

He left for a drive — this sentence indicates he himself knows he'd gone too far with the belt thing and he'd have hit her if she stayed

[Opinion Owner]

Ah no, he probably went for a drive to clear his head after his girlfriend lied to him. I’d leave the house too!
From spring partner to narcissist… because he’s pissed she lied to him and left the house. When I’m mad I leave and go for a walk or do for a drive, many manyyy people do this.
Going straight to “he’s abusive” is wrong and would turn into something ugly without knowing details or having evidence that he was abusive.
End of.

[anon1903]

The possibilities are scary

[Opinion Owner]

Don’t accuse some of something when you don’t even know if they did that or not. Being accused of being abusive and you’re not could end a man.
Just because she felt he was going to be abusive doesn't mean he was. Just because I felt my partner was going to cheat on me doesn’t mean he is. Just because I felt my partner was angry doesn’t mean they are. Just because you felt someone was going to be late doesn’t mean they will be.
We don’t even know if this woman has past trauma and gets triggered by simple things like taking off your belt….
Assuming shit is how men end up in jail with false accusations and not knowing details and just jumping to the worst and going with that.
Good day.

[anon1903]

I would rather not risk it

[Opinion Owner]

But you’d practically end a man’s future with false accusations. Bet you wouldn’t think the same if the tables were turned.
Take a look at the Johnny Depp case.

[anon1903]

I didn't say report him. I said run for the woods when you sense something's off in your relationship.

Don't drag JD everywhere lmao.

[Opinion Owner]

No but telling this girl that’s abuse or he is abusive, she's going to say to someone “oh hey he was abusive to me” literally how women can be.
And no, not dragging JD everywhere but it just shows that false accusations can be made and stories get twisted. For all we know this woman could be the nut job. I mean she lied to her boyfriend and doesn’t see an issue with it. Bam, trust is gone.

[anon1903]

It's one small lie. You don't know if he's one those insecure/possessive men to control who their partner is friends with

[anon1903]

We said he was potentially abusive, not abusive

[anon1903]

And she shouldn't wait for him to hit for real, if she thinks she's in danger

[Opinion Owner]

Women tend to overreact. Again there’s so many fucking potentials here. We don’t know if she’s mentally I’ll and is being a narcissist, “oh I lied to him 🤷🏼‍♀️ and then he was going to beat me” just because he took off his belt… if he took of his shoes she’d probably say the same thing.
We don’t know if she’s been abused before and now gets triggered by simple things.
We don’t know if this is a troll.
We don’t know if she’s telling every party of the story correctly.
But just assuming he’s abusive is messed up.
Oh yeah we don’t know if he’s abusive but just rn so you don’t find out like tf, you’ll end up single because you date someone, they get upset and you think fuck I’m going to run because he’s probably abusive and I won’t wait to find out. Fuck off lmao, it’s pathetic

[anon1903]

You're gaslighting here

[user0000047]

You fucked up and betrayed his trust. It doesn't matter if you were or weren't. He thought you were cheating and will be highly suspicious of you for the rest of the relationship. You may as well end it now because its not going to get better irregardless of his emotional outburst.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't necessarily "mean" he's going to be abusive, but it is a very serious "warning" that you need to back off. So going forward, you need to learn what he can take and what he can't (ie, know when to walk away and let the situation cool off - you BOTH can calm down and then talk about it calmly).

[Anonymous]

Why were you shouting that you weren't lying? You quite clearly WERE lying when you said you were busy at the office.

His behavior is unacceptable. But you need to clean yours up as well.

[Opinion Owner]

Just out of curiosity, any interest in getting with your "childhood friend?"

[Gloree]

He happens to have a Fiance. I have introduced him officially to my guy. We will be attending their wedding.

[KingofCups]

Abusive? I mean he's kind a bitch for pulling a belt but low key I understand the move. I believe there is a space for resolving conflict with a bit of physicality but I'd never strike someone I'm dating in a way that would hurt, I wouldn't hit them with threats either but on occasions ye I might get physical. We are animals after all you can't resolve everything with words.