Why do the men I’m with refuse to tell me I’m beautiful?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

Men who haven’t been with me have told me I’m beautiful and desirable, even men who had nothing to gain from saying it. However, the two guys I’ve been with not only didn’t say it, they flat out refused to sometimes.

I’ve been with two very different guys so far.

I was only with the first guy for a few days (ended terribly, don’t ask), and no matter how hard I hinted, he didn’t want to tell me I was pretty, even when I was naked in bed with him. I literally asked if he thought I had a “nice face” (cringing at myself rn) and he said “yes, you have a nice face” LOL.

I spent six months with the second guy, and after a few months, I practically begged him to say it, so he gave in (pathetic, I know). He said that he “didn’t think he needed to because it was obvious he thought so, otherwise he wouldn’t have sex with me so often”. To his credit, he did say I have a hot body, and after lots of arguing he did call me pretty several times over the 6 months.

And before anyone asks, yes, I did compliment them on their looks, intelligence, personality, etc… wayy before I asked them to compliment me.

I’m 21, 5’6’’, athletic, dirty-blonde, blue eyes, with a baby face, weird-looking nose and cheeks that are too big for my age. I think I’m at least a bit pretty, but definitely not as pretty as a conventionally beautiful woman. When I was a kid I thought I was gorgeous, but considering the fact that I lost my virginity at 21 (after boys my age rarely showed interest in me my whole life) and even the guys I was with didn’t find me that pretty, I’ve had a reality check 🤣. Combined with constant street harassment and catcalling since I was 13, my self-esteem is doing great!

I just think that if you’re with a girl, you’d find her at least a bit pretty? So why not say it? I don’t know, I’m feeling very confused. I want to be attractive, especially because I put work into my looks. Also, I KNOW I’m pathetic, don’t remind me in the comments 😂.

Thanks guys.

[gabbydoll14]

I’ve been seeing this guy for a year and half now and he’s only told me I “look” beautiful once! He’ll tell me that I’m sexy, I’m hot, I’m fine, he’ll even say pretty sometimes but never says “You’re beautiful”. This is my 2nd time dating him and the first time around he called me beautiful only once as well. I don’t want this to be a big deal but to me I can’t help but question why he doesn’t say it at all. We’re not in a serious relationship but the other day he told me I was sexy and that most men would say the same thing. I replied and said “I hope not. If I ever meet a guy who thinks I’m beautiful I’ll be so happy”. This idiot said “Once you see yourself as beautiful, others will to” lmao. I do think I’m beautiful! I just hardly ever hear it, especially from him. It’s definitely an issue to me, it really just turns me off that he doesn’t say it. Either this guy is worried that it’ll go to your head or he doesn’t want to tell you cause he doesn’t find you beautiful. In my case, I think my guy just doesn’t find me beautiful.

[Asker]

I understand you so well, thank you so much for commenting! I don’t know why he wouldn’t say it to you. I think I’m beautiful as well, but because of him, I’ve seriously started to doubt it to the point where I don’t feel that way anymore.
I’m sure he finds you beautiful!! Especially since he says so many other things to you.

[gabbydoll14]

Yeah I totally get that. You start to question yourself because he’s not saying it so you think something must be wrong with you.. but try your best not to think of it that way. I swear the more I tell myself that I’m beautiful, the minute I make that mental decision in my head, I just believe it and feel it. One exercise I saw online was to create your own narrative of what someone else is thinking, but a POSITIVE one. So instead of “He must think I’m not beautiful”, just think “He thinks I’m so beautiful every time he sees me”. Either way it goes, you have no idea what’s going on in someone else’s mind, so you might as well create what you want. This will change your perspective so much!! Your thoughts really do become your reality because reality is shaped by your own perspective. I’m sure my guy thinks I’m beautiful and I’m sure yours does too, but what’s more important here is that you want to hear it. It’s possible that he’s not the type to compliment and I know I prefer a guy who can tell me how he thinks and feels about me every once and a while and vise versa.

[thatssuppy190]

Listen, every girl gets catcalled nowadays, you dont have to be that hot anymore. But i understand ur a girl you eant to be found pretty but its possible you are not, send a pic of ur face and i ll tell you my opinion

[saarisrael]

I read only the headline coz of time.. maybe they are embarrassed?

[Asker]

Embarrassed of what? Wouldn’t that be insanely childish?

[xColinx]

Hi, I know you posted this a while ago but if you're still interested in opinions...

I know it's a cliche but guys just don't communicate well, or at least we don't communicate well when it comes to emotionally-charged stuff. Ask us about superficial stuff like sports or cars or whatever and we'll talk for an hour, but the emotional/feelings stuff is often not natural territory. There's probably a whole psychological explanation about how boys are traditionally raised and gender roles and boys place in society... blah blah blah... but bottom line is it just doesn't usually come natural to us.

But... we are capable of maturing and developing all kinds of skills, including in the communication department! What helped for me was a previous relationship where the girl I was dating would compliment me. I never really felt like I wanted or needed compliments in order to feel confident with myself, but when she would actually do it then a lightbulb sorta went on, like "huh. that feels pretty rad to hear good things about me, especially coming from the person I'm dating." And similarly the lightbulb flickered enough in my brain to make me realize, yo maybe I should try doing that too! I wasn't magically all of a sudden perfect with knowing the exact things to say at the exact right time, but I gradually started to figure it out.

So yeah, hopefully with future relationships you can sorta model the behavior you hope to get in return, and do it in an indirect way instead of being overly blunt which might put him on his heels and create unnecessary pressure. I know that's stupid, because clear & direct communication should normally be ideal, but sometimes you gotta tip toe around it, the same way guys do with certain things in the other direction. (and if you have any advice or examples for that part, please share! haha)

So does any of that make sense?