Will men refuse having sex with you if you crush their ego or hurt their feelings even if they are "hot"?

[Anonymous]

GUYS HELP! So I met this guy almost a year ago and we live in different cities. We saw each other a few times, he definitely was into me, but he haven't got sexual (he tried, but I didn't want to back then). Then I wanted him to come with me on a trip I had to take and he wanted to tag along, but he got sick. So he invited me on a trip a few months after that (he paid and all!) on this trip we kinda had an argument and I was real harsh on him and I really crushed his ego insulting him and stuff (in my defense I was drunk and hurt) and he literally didn't say anything harsh back, he was real calm. On the way back to the hotel I put the cherry on the top and said that I always thought that he's a fuckboy who has no future and that he disgusts me and that he made me change my mind a day before, but now he disgusts me even more.. said all that in the hotel room I got hot all over him and wanted to have sex but he refused (even though he was hard) and he said he is too tired ecc I asked whether it's about what I said and he said "you said a lot, but no" this went on for a few days and I tried again to have sex with him, but he kept refusing and then he told me, that he hasn't had sex for a few months and that he wants his next sexual partner to be someone who he considers having a relationship with.. (which was kinda shocking, since that must mean that he considered me for a relationship even though he doesn't know me that well, since he went on vacation with me and paid for it all and tried to have sex the first night, which I ignored) .. I couldn't believe it, since he is quite hot and could like get anyone.. however guys I am really despe here, what happened there? Was he really considering a relationship with me and refused to have sex because of that argument or was he hurt or what happened? I really need to understand before I reveal my feelings for him.(yes in the meantime my shitty ass developed some feelings for him).. let me know what you guys think thanks xx

[wheist9095]

After being degraded like that I think anybody would not want to have sex with you. I think him one of his next partner to be relationship material is an excuse but because you treated him so shitty he became disgusted by you as a person, not physically, and that is enough of a turn off mentally that he doesn't think he should fuck you.

So you could apologize, you can try to make amends, you can try and work on yourself for the person so we don't do shitty things like that again, but I think long-term he's not going to want to be with you.

Also, just because he has an erection doesn't mean he wants to fuck you, that's a physiological response and desire or attraction is a mental and emotional response.

[Asker]

Damn it, so it was because of what I said to him.. how can I make it right with him and show him that I value him as a person ecc? He's not responding well to my calls and in general he acts as if it never bothered him what I said.. like when I said sorry or tried to talk about what I said he always blocked the conversation and said "nothing happened" or "I don't care about what you think" "it doesn't matter to me" ecc

[wheist9095]

Yeah I believe it is, and I don't know if you can salvage it. You hurt him, pretty deeply by how Hard he is taking it. The only thing you can really do is move on, just give him a sincere apology and he might not get over it for years. A lot of men, especially in masculine cultures, aren't allowed to express their emotions or find healthy outlets for them so they bottle that shit up and let it fester. You've just got to move on, let the feelings die, you fucked up and there's no putting it back together.

[Asker]

It might be hard to believe, but I really am sorry for the way I talked to him and to even think about how hurt he must have been or still is, is killing me and I am hating myself for it, it really wasn't my intention and I really can't let this go. He needs to understand that this is absolutely not the person I am and that he indeed is not someone I just look down to, but I care about.. how can I make him understand that? Like how can I get him to give me a chance to talk to him? I think he is scared of talking to me, but I am not sure..

[wheist9095]

He might be scared of talking to you, and I don't know if there is a way to get him to open up to you again. You can't make him understand you, You can't make anybody do anything if they don't want to do it. You can try and invite him to have a sit down, Frank conversation over coffee probably somewhere public but if he continues to curve you and doesn't want to be around you you just have to let it go. You made a mistake, and it fucked the relationship. Some things you can't fix

[Asker]

Some things you can't fix.. damn wise words- it makes you realize how careful you need to be.. I really want to talk to him, this is so messed up. I don't know which words I can use to assure him that I come in peace, so he won't need to be scared of anything I might say.. (and I can't say "I come in peace" or stuff like that, since I think this whole story is a trigger point for him to block me out)

[wheist9095]

I think your best bet would be to talk to him in person, because over text it can feel insincere and he can easily shut it out. I think you should make one attempt. Text him invite him out to coffee, saying that you want talk and if he is willing to get coffee You have a little hope, if he shuts you out it's too late.

[Asker]

Do you think it might be to late already? I tried that.. well after six months (he unfollowed me on Instagram and then a month later he deleted me from his followers as well, very strange move) so I texted him that I'll be in his town and that I thought we might see each other, but I'm not sure if he hates me after all, since he removed me completely from Instagram- and he said that he doesn't hate, but that we are just different and it's better if we stay away from each other.. I then apologized again and said that it'll be sad if we don't see each other because of that and he didn't respond anymore.. then I called him at night and he got real pissed, because he was asleep.. then I texted him on his birthday (he thanked me but that was it) and then I texted once and asked him if he is free for a phone call, because we need to talk and since then I have the feeling that he ran away (like metaphorically) .. I really don't know if persistency is working here, since I am afraid I might annoy him..

[wheist9095]

If you still is holding up that attitude after 6 months then yeah that ship has sunk. I don't know you, but you seem like a nice enough girl, I think you should move on and try and meet someone new. If he could get over it he would have gotten over it by now if it's been this long. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more

[Asker]

Hey! Can't send a message, but do you really think he moved on? If he wouldn't care about me, wouldn't he just talk to me?

[wheist9095]

You can't send a message? And yes I do think he really moved on, to eat off of the fact that he doesn't want to talk to you especially about it is the biggest evidence that he's moved on. If he did care he would talk

[Asker]

No I can't, it's blocked, you send one! But can I be due to the fact the he is (still) hurt (if he was ever hurt) and is there like no way I can get back to him and make him rethink?

[wheist9095]

Your anonymous, so I don't know who to send it to. I don't know try following me, maybe that would work. Anyway, I don't think it is possible to make him change his mind, it could be after so long of a period he would forget about it but because you are in continued contact with him he probably remembered that every now and again. I think you should put your energy into finding someone else, he's not the only guy on the planet, and he can't be the only guy you ever had chemistry with, and given the fact that you doesn't want to talk to you especially about it, I'd say you already don't even have chemistry with him

[Asker]

Tried following, but still doesn't allow me to send the message..

[wheist9095]

Okay I messaged you

[Asker]

But there must have been something he saw in me, that he invested in this trip and if only this thing didn't happen, it would be different.. so I really want to make him understand that.. I don't know if he forgot about me, because he was always watching my every move on instagram until he unfollowed and my friends said it's because he maybe waited for an apology and saw me living my life effortlessly and posting a lot of guys, he tried to draw that finish line for him ( which still doesn't explain why he then waited one month until he removed me as well..) and since he did that I tried to stay in touch.. without much success, but I tried

[Asker]

And I know there are other guys, but I really am sorry for how things went with him and he is special to me and I just want him to hear me out and understand that I am not who he saw that night

[wheist9095]

It sounds like he has completely moved on, and I know that's not what you want to hear but that just seems to be the simple truth of the matter and he doesn't want to reconnect. You can't force the connection if he's not willing, I know you want to explain yourself you want to apologize and you want to be a better version than you were that night of yourself, and since he won't accept your apologies or talk to you since the event you very well may never get that chance to apologize properly. And that's life. You don't always get to make up when you make a mistake you don't always get to fix things and whether it's his fault your fault or both of you guys's fault it's just over between you two and you just have to remember what you did wrong and strive not to do it again in the future with the next person you meet that you think you might want to have a future with. You have to just chalk it up as an l and move on and let it be your learned lesson

[Jacobbbb]

I'm sorry but how are you gonna treat the guy like that and expect everything to be fine after? I feel for the guy here. He did the right thing and put his desires down for the sake of his morals and what he knows is best. And just from what you said he seems like a legitimate guy. I think my answer to your question is probably obvious by now 🤷‍♂️ but it's not just about ego crushing there's more to it than that. It's about how you treat someone overall as a person. Contact him and apologize for everything if you wanna fix things up. Best of luck

[Asker]

You are so right! I did try to contact him and apologize, but he kind of ignores it and doesn't want to talk about it or better said to me at all.. how can I soften him towards me?

[Jacobbbb]

I'm honestly not sure.. but persistence is probably your answer at least in this case. It'll show him that you're genuinely sorry and you want another chance if you keep trying

[Asker]

I tried that.. well after six months (he unfollowed me on Instagram and then a month later he deleted me from his followers as well, very strange move) so I texted him that I'll be in his town and that I thought we might see each other, but I'm not sure if he hates me after all, since he removed me completely from Instagram- and he said that he doesn't hate, but that we are just different and it's better if we stay away from each other.. I then apologized again and said that it'll be sad if we don't see each other because of that and he didn't respond anymore.. then I called him at night and he got real pissed, because he was asleep.. then I texted him on his birthday (he thanked me but that was it) and then I texted once and asked him if he is free for a phone call, because we need to talk and since then I have the feeling that he ran away (like metaphorically) .. I really don't know if persistency is working here, since I am afraid I might annoy him

[Jacobbbb]

If you've tried everything and you've stayed persistent then it might be lost.. sorry to say. Out of curiosity was there a reason why you were so harsh to him? I'm kinda curious

[Asker]

Is there really nothing I can do? I really need him to hear me out.. I don't know if keep being persistent is helpful, won't he think that I am annoying at a certain point if I keep running after him? And to answer your question: it was obviously a little bit more than just the alcohol, he had some very weird views on certain things, very conservative and I am kind of always sticking up for the ones who got no voice and due to the fact that I am super sensitive I got hurt by the way he viewed certain things (not that he is a bad person, because he said that he can change his mind if he knows better and stuff- but I kinda made him feel like he is the bad person (oh god, just realizing this now, wow!) So with the alcohol and all I just bursted out.. I apologized the next day, but he acted as if it didn't bother him at all, although his behaviour towards me changed completely and yea he didn't want to have sex..

[Jacobbbb]

I'm not sure. If you've tried everything.. then it's tough to really say where things can go from there. But it's good you're being open about what happened and what you did, even now you're realizing how he might've felt about the situation which is a good thing. You're coming to terms with what happened. You honestly can keep trying if that's what you wanna do, but lemme tell you this. There's a lot of guys in the world, and it's not the end of the world if this one didn't work out yk

[Asker]

Yea I know, you are right, but this one had kind of a special story to it and everything felt so much like fate.. It's all super weird, but most importantly I really don't want him to go on with life thinking that I really think of him this way or that he is a horrible person or anything like that. He has a good heart and he is kind and I want him to own that.. I am not sure what his intentions were, since we never discussed it, but he paid for everything (even after what happened) and he didn't leave me sitting there all alone, but stayed until the end.. this must mean something right? That he at least hoped that things come around? I don't know.. I just don't understand if a guy would go on vacation with a girl he barely knows, pay literally for everything and all for nothing..

[Jacobbbb]

Yeah sometimes it feels like fate I understand. Like everything is good and perfect until it isn't. And you don't have to think of him that way, just remember the good things he did for you. He probably wanted to build something with you. Guys just don't pay for a full ass trip and then say what you mentioned about the relationship stuff in the post. His intentions were probably pure, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. You just gotta move forward

[Asker]

Looking back at how everything came together, it really feels like fate a lot. From the moment I met him, there was something about him, that I couldn't let go, even though I had no interest in him whatsoever at the beginning and then things happened and I needed to stay at his place for a night and he was the most sweetest person ever and that's where I fell for him.. well easier said than done. It would have been easier if he would be the bad guy or at least got back at me at some point, I don't know would have made it easier, but hearing at all points that he is a good one and that he actually wanted something serious and invested in this trip literally makes me so sad, I can't describe it. I feel sorry, for me, but mostly for him, because he didn't deserve the outcome he got. I am really not a bad person, just got caught in an emotional argument at the wrong time, with the wrong person. Damn I really wish there'd be a way to make this right, I am really trying.. do you think that if I open up about my feelings to him, he might give me a chance and hear me out?

[Jacobbbb]

Just go all out. Say everything you said to me to him and it just might do something, but don't count on it 🤷‍♂️

[Asker]

But is there anything that would work on a guy after a story like this? Anything that would give him the confidence that I come in peace and just want to talk and apologise..

[Jacobbbb]

You just need to be your most genuine self and say everything from the heart. Give him the biggest 3 page essay apology of his life. (not really but you get the point)

[Asker]

I am really afraid that I might not get the result I want and opening up to him and getting rejected will really crush me, since I never opened up about my feelings to a guy ever... but about the essay, you really say guys like to read that much? Isn't he just going to be annoyed and think what does she still want?

[Jacobbbb]

I can't speak for all guys but I'd see a big ass essay as effort. I mean something like that would probably win me over if it was genuine. That's just me tho. And you just gotta prepare for rejection and move on if it doesn't work out. That's all you can really do

[Asker]

Sorry but can I ask what zodiac you are?

[Jacobbbb]

I'm a Virgo. It probably shows 😂

[Asker]

Yea kinda, the advice is on point, but I thought maybe cancer, since you said that an essay would get you..

[Asker]

Kinda always thought that men would be repelled by long ass text messages..

[Asker]

But he is a cancer, so sensitive and emotional af, which is also why I thought that maybe he got hurt pretty bad..

[Jacobbbb]

Oh well I don't know I just see effort like that as a really good thing. A lot of people are half ass and don't bother so seeing something like that would get me thinking

[Asker]

And it wouldn't be too much? Like it would not scare him away?

[Asker]

I mean after all it should not seem like I am crazy in love with him, because well we neither know each other that well, nor did we have spent enough time to develop these kind of feelings, but he is really special to me and I really need him to know

[Jacobbbb]

I don't know how he'll react honestly but it's still worth a try if that's what you wanna do

[Sandeeppingping]

He saw you had potential to be a long term partner, he ended up finding out that the moment you get upset he'll have to deal with all the craziness and anger and disrespect and can't escalate or respond or anything because he'll end up in jail, so he changed his mind because you'll be an eternal pain in the ass... and I'm sorry if I'm being harsh or insulting but it's the truth it's not cool what you did and it isn't something someone simply forgets, he learned something about you that day and that thing wasn't good at all

[Asker]

You are absolutely right and thank you for your honest words! I am really regretting this and want to make it up to him.. how can I show him that I am sorry? That I really care about him?

[Sandeeppingping]

How long has it been? And it's kind of a tough one, maybe text him that you need to speak to him urgently so you end up calling him and during the call you sincerely apologize (and here actually sincerely apologize without giving yourself excuses or anything, just admit you acted like a moron, I know it's tough but apologizing then saying but I did that because blablabla invalidates the apology)... Then tell him that you regret talking to him the way you did and you wish it never happened and that you want him in your life and that you promise if you get a second chance you will never do that again... Also in your question you said you were drunk or whatever, don't use that as an alibi but simply say that you've been sober ever since specifically because of how you acted and that you don't and won't drink...

And here's the most important part of all of this, if you want any chance at this you need to get your ego out of the way, you might think you look desperate but that's always what happens when you fuck up and need to apologize and almost beg the other person to hear you out, you'll feel desperate, but the alternative is doing nothing and him forever forgetting about you and you living in regret with what if I actually tried to talk to him fuck my ego,,, So do it you have nothing to lose and the potential to win it all

[Sandeeppingping]

Basically acknowledge and say it out loud that you acted like a crazy person and disrespected when he really literally remained calm about it all and apologize for it

[CalmMind]

Going on just the information you provided in the post:

You deserve the rejection to be honest. He paid for you to go on this trip with him and you then proceed to get trashed and insult him. Call him a fuckboy and then proceed to exhibit the same behavior. Lots of blatant hypocrisy here. From your description it wasn't his ego that got hurt it was yours. Super proud of him though for rising above and recognizing his worth. If you actually care for him let him go be with someone who will treat him well.

[CalmMind]

Wanted to add after the fact, this is where all the good men go by the way.

[Asker]

I deeply care for him and I want him to know that and to know that all that I said has no meaning whatsoever.. but I can't get him to talk to me.. that is the issue

[CalmMind]

Because he's seen how you act at your worst and is unwilling to accept you. That's his choice and judging by current dating/marriage trends, I think a smart one. Best thing you can do is move on and accept your actions and do better with the next person.

[Asker]

You are absolutely right.. he has seen me at my worst.. but there is also another side to me, which would have never wanted to hurt him.. I want him to give that side a chance.. how can I convince him to hear me at least out

[CalmMind]

You're missing the point. I want to see my significant other at their worst. That's fantastic insight into who they really are when all the chips are down. When all factors considered how do they handle conflict? How do they act when inebriated (do they cheat, do they get mean/abusive, etc.)? The absolute best resolution to this for you getting him and him not being absolutely abused by you is for you to leave him be for now. Go work on yourself. Go to therapy, get some help and fix your life and your behavior. Let time pass so that these changes can settle in and prove that it's not a temporary phase of being pseudo-healthy. THEN after you're truly a better person approach much later. If he's taken, you'll have to wait your turn. If he's not then shoot your shot. Judging by how he handled this situation I would be genuinely SHOCKED if he decided to give you a chance. Men who don't put sex above respect typically have long memories.

[Asker]

I let time pass.. well after six months (he unfollowed me on Instagram and then a month later he deleted me from his followers as well, very strange move) so I texted him that I'll be in his town and that I thought we might see each other, but I'm not sure if he hates me after all, since he removed me completely from Instagram- and he said that he doesn't hate, but that we are just different and it's better if we stay away from each other.. I then apologized again and said that it'll be sad if we don't see each other because of that and he didn't respond anymore.. then I called him at night and he got real pissed, because he was asleep.. then I texted him on his birthday (he thanked me but that was it) and then I texted once and asked him if he is free for a phone call, because we need to talk and since then I have the feeling that he ran away (like metaphorically) .. I really don't know if persistency is working here, since I am afraid I might annoy him..

But what do you mean that he has a long memory? So he won't be ready to talk to me for a long time or that I'll have to work really hard to make him move past this?

So you are saying that it's not even the crushed ego, but the disrespect that made him not get intimate with me? Even though he didn't want to give in into sleeping with me, he did say "you can give me a blow job" .. did he still put respect above sex? Just super curious about your point and eager to learn what you have to say! You have good words

[CalmMind]

I really hope you're being genuine here because I feel like I'm wasting my breath here lol but I'm bored and a glutton for punishment so here goes.

First, your attempts at communication thus far are really cringey. Like desperate stalker cringey.

Second, men (I assume women too?) who know their worth and value themselves remember when someone has done what you've done. All in all it was a horrendous interaction and I think would be seared into any person memory as "Stay the hell away from this person". That's what I meant by long memory.

Lastly, look at the power dynamic of a blowjob. You're on your knees servicing him while he probably checks stuff on his phone. I don't see it as a drop in self-respect as much as possibly him in the moment wanting to get back at you or have something to talk about later. All said, I really do think you should just move on, better yourself, and commit the lesson to memory.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your words!!! I understand way more about the blow job now.. but it would lead it into the direction, that he never was hurt and just didn't fuck me, because he wanted to get back at me? I know I should let it be.. but I really want to make it up to him.. how can I do that in a way I am not annoying him, but convincing him that I mean what I say at the same time

[Asker]

This matters to me a lot

[Smoothing]

This is as clear as day light. By throwing those insults at him, you gave him an insight into who you might be. And that is nit the kind of person he is willing to be in a relationship with.

So yes, he might have still sexually aroused by you, but he was no longer interested in you.

And yes, a guy can easily refuse to sleep with you if you hurt him. I don't know why other dudes feel like they speak for all men when they say a guy will never refuse to sleep with you. That us the biggest smelliest bull shut I have heard so many times. Not all men are the same.

I think you burnt your chances with this guy. You could try to win him over, but chances are that you are wasting your time.

[Smoothing]

Don't forget, the urge to have sex starts from the mind. Once you interrupt the mind, which you did by insulting him, the trigger for those sexual urges will have shut down. So, why should he feel like having sex with you? Some men will still sleep with you, but those are men that don't mind being treated like shit.

[Asker]

Ok wow, now I understand way better why he didn't want to sleep with me anymore- it's not for the crushed ego, but for the way he views me now, after how I treated him DAMN!!! How can I show him that I am the opposite, how can I convince him to hear me out?

[Smoothing]

Well, you could just be persistent in asking him to give you a chance to hear you out, but right now, you triggered his judgmental side so he will be judging your every step if he gives you the chance. It will be a slow process for him to make up his mind. All you can pray for, is that another woman doesn't come in the picture during that time. Because if that happens and the other woman is treating him nicely while you are still trying to win him over. Its game over.

[Asker]

I tried that.. well after six months (he unfollowed me on Instagram and then a month later he deleted me from his followers as well, very strange move) so I texted him that I'll be in his town and that I thought we might see each other, but I'm not sure if he hates me after all, since he removed me completely from Instagram- and he said that he doesn't hate, but that we are just different and it's better if we stay away from each other.. I then apologized again and said that it'll be sad if we don't see each other because of that and he didn't respond anymore.. then I called him at night and he got real pissed, because he was asleep.. then I texted him on his birthday (he thanked me but that was it) and then I texted once and asked him if he is free for a phone call, because we need to talk and since then I have the feeling that he ran away (like metaphorically) .. I really don't know if persistency is working here, since I am afraid I might annoy him

[Smoothing]

Well, if he is going to the lengths of unfollowing you, and not responding to your texts, I think you should take the hint and let him be. Maybe given some time without being in contact, he may be more forgiving or even just forgive you and forget how you insulted him.

If that happens and you begin to talk again, take it slow with any advances. Going back in there fast will spook him again.

[Asker]

But he unfollowed me after six months.. why did he wait so long, he could have done it right after the trip right

[Smoothing]

Not necessarily, something else happened that triggered him to unfollow you on WhatsApp. Just because someone looses interest in you, doesn't mean they will unfollow you on social media or cut you off. Unless of course he is childish.

[Smoothing]

Instagram rather

[Asker]

So why did he unfollow me and then waited a month to remove me completely? Was there some intention to make me notice he unfollowed to make me text him? I don't understand the logic and yes I know you meant instagram, don't worry 😊

[Smoothing]

There is absolutely no hidden meaning. He didn't care whether you noticed or nit. He was just distancing himself or precisely speaking, cutting ties with you.

If you still have each others numbers, then be grateful for that and don't spook him. Give him the time that he needs.

[Asker]

So no contact again?

[Asker]

I didn't text him for three weeks now.. I wanted to send him an apology text and revealing my feelings and telling him that it hurts me the way he reacts to me..

[Smoothing]

I don't how to say this in a way that makes you not loose hope. From the narrative you have given me, give him a month or two. Trust me three weeks is nothing. The last thing you want is to push him away for good because it seems you have gotten to that point.

[Asker]

But what if he moves on in the meantime and thinks I am not serious and just playing? Since this may be the image he has of me..

[Smoothing]

There is a possibility that he may move in the meantime. However your focus should be how you get hin to respond to you positively. Since that is where you have got to. Time is a great healer. There is nothing you can do about him moving on if that is what happens at a time when he doesn't think very favourably of you. It is a chance you must take hoping that he doesn't move on.

Even if you get through to him now, and you start talking to him now, it will still take time for him to let you get back to his good graces.

[TheSpaceGnome]

1. You let him pay for everything?
2. Being drunk is NOT a defense for anything.
3. You do not deserve him. You insulted him on multiple accounts, made accusations based on assumptions, and you wanted sex without thinking it was going to lead to a relationship.

You're a hateful, selfish skank, and are not mature enough to have sex or relationships.

I don't have an ego, but I also don't tolerate assholes, and if any woman that I thought was hot/relationship material, said that shit to me after I paid for a trip, she'd be paying for her own ride home, and would never see me ever again.

[Asker]

I did not let him, I wanted to pay on my own, he didn't let me!!! I know that being drunk is no defense, but your self control will be lowered for sure.. I thought it was the same he want, I thought he just wanted to fuck.. I really want to make it up to him, how can I fix this

[TheSpaceGnome]

You can't fix it, you can only change your behavior to a sane person for the next guy (by not badmouthing people you date, and by giving up alcohol and casual sex for the rest of your life).

Otherwise you're screwed (ironic choice of phrasing I know). You were being a jerk, so you got a jerk's ending. Either learn from it to better yourself, or stay single.

[Anonymous]

You had a really good guy, even among guys, in your hand.

I can tell you with guarantee that he had arranged that trip to reignite the spark between you two, but you used a truck load of fire extinguisher on something as small as a candle.

He found your true feelings, and there is a very very high chance that he has already left you mentally, and is just finding the right timing to tell you. And he is not gonna back down from this one.

Time to look for a new man, and remember that this time, you need to be ready to commit to it.

[Opinion Owner]

This behavior of yours is a classic example of what not to do, what to do and what to look in a partner before starting a relationship. Thanks for the pointers.

[Asker]

Thanks for the words.. I feel so sad about this. Any chance I can make it up to him? I am really sorry for how it went down..

[Opinion Owner]

Breakup with good words and all, and find a new guy.

[WindAtMyBack]

This should be completely obvious. I doubt if this had anything to do with "crushing his ego". He simply realized that you were someone that he didn't want anything to do with. I don't blame him.

It's possible that he really was interested in you. But after the serious drama that you pulled, any guy in his right mind would run away fast. At least he figured it out early on and had the chance to escape.

This is not about him. This is about you.

[Asker]

But if he really was interested in me, there might be a chance to get him back, right? Like show him somehow that this is not the real me?

[WindAtMyBack]

I think you screwed up pretty badly. I can't speak for him. If it was me, you would not get a second chance. The kind of stuff you did raises a whole bunch of red flags - and is a total deal breaker for me.

[Asker]

Well if there would have been one thing that would absolutely make you change your mind and give that person a second chance or at least hear them out, what would it be?

[WindAtMyBack]

It would take time. And you'd have to quit drinking, completely. You'd have to quit drinking for a year or two, long enough that I was convince it was permanent. I would also have to be convinced that when you aren't drinking, you don't pull the same kind of things. I don't know how easy it would be to convinced me. I'd have to decide at the time.

In the meantime, if you kept making approaches to me, it might make it worse.

I'm the kind of person who does not care about a woman's past - as long as it really is in the past.

[Asker]

So I should stop texting him? How would that solve anything?

[WindAtMyBack]

You can try texting him and see how he reacts. I can't speak for him, only what I would do.

How would it solve anything? From your point of view or his? All you can do is try and see what he does.

[Asker]

Well my hope is that he realizes that I never meant all that and that I want to try to be serious with him

[Asker]

But I don't know what to say to catch his attention and convince him to give me a shot

[RavVid]

I think you convinced him that you are not a girl he should be in a relationship with unless he likes having bad times. He might have liked your body and got hard but that doesn't mean he likes the girl that comes with that body or want to be with that girl.

From your description you were quite abusive and I don't think it gets more complex than that.

I may be being harsh but you need to be realistic. If you reversed genders here what would your opinion be?

[Asker]

Yes, you are absolutely right. But what were his intentions with this trip?

[RavVid]

Well if I was inviting a girl on a trip away then I would expect her to infer I had intentions and desires. God I invited a girl to accompany me to Europe and a few other girls said I would have fucked you throughout Europe if you had invited me.

I would say he had hoped that a bit of physical intimacy would lead to emotional intimacy.

[Asker]

But he refused to have any intimacy..

[RavVid]

From what you wrote that was after you gave him a bad time.

[U4ea0]

You piss a man off enough, and he has controll over himself he will. Women don't understand that there is no such thing as a sexually frustrated man. Sex is great, but he can live with jerking off if he has to until he finds a woman that isn't a loud and obnoxious bitch.

[Asker]

So it was for what I said to him?

[Chaser3232]

Contrary to popular belief, sex does not fix our problems. There was no real communication or trying to fix the issue at hand before initiating sex. It was your right with you sex the first night, however insulting him even when drunk was not appropriate. Sometimes, truth comes out when we’re drunk and he may have seen it that way.

[Asker]

Yea you are absolutely right. But I really want to make it up to him, how can I do that?

[Chaser3232]

Since you’re hiding your true age, I’m not sure what to tell ya! Seems like you made this mess you got a fix it. Try writing him a letter, if no response let it go.

[Asker]

I am 25 and do you think a letter will make him understand? I want to convince to see me in person and talk.. but I think he might be afraid

[Chaser3232]

Try I’m sorry, let’s talk, when your ready! Then be brave and prepared for it to be over! If he contact you, ask him to speak first! Listen, and just be logical, not emotional!

[Staximus]

You said that you always thought that he's a fuckboy who has no future, and that he disgusts you. That is not something you can take back just by saying you didn't really mean it, or fix by just saying you are sorry. That is the kind of comment that says "we have no future together" and I think you convinced him of that.

[Asker]

And I hate myself for that. How can I make it up to him? I know I can't take those words back, but I really want to show him that I care for him and that I did not mean all that

[Staximus]

You first you like him, then you think he's a fuckboy that disgusts you, and now you like him again? Make up your mind for fuck's sake. If he disgusted you then, why not now?

[Asker]

I said that to him out of the heat of emotions and did not think it through.. I was hurt because i started fall for him and that he had certain opinions that weren't acceptable in a moral kind of way.. I do like him and I want him

[Staximus]

And what were those opinions you find morally objectionable and unacceptable?

[Asker]

We started talking about politics and he said that he didn't vote and that he doesn't care what's going on around him.. then somehow we started talking about homosexuality and I asked him whether he supports it and he was like "i don't care about it" and I was like "no do you support it or not" and he was like he doesn't give a shit and it kinda sounded to me like I don't, but I won't say that, because I sense this might be a problem for you, so I asked if he had to vote for or against homosexual couples to be allowed to adopt children and he was like "i won't vote at all" and I was like "don't think you got the concept, you have to choose either yes or no" and he was then like "no I'd rather not" and this broke me.. he didn't say it like that, but to me it sounded like "just because I've got a personal problem with that matter I don't give a shit if in the meanwhile there are children destroyed by a system and robbed a future even if they could have to opportunity to grow up with love, care and comfort and have better chances at life.. so I freaked out.. he then said "you need to understand that I can change my mind if I inform myself..." I've grown up with this opinion, my whole circle thinks like that.. you need to understand that" and I was like no, your an adult, you should've been able to rethink stuff you've been grown up with, without someone needing to tell you.. then he also told me some pretty stupid reasons for why he thinks children should not be adopted by homosexuals and this got me even more in rage..

[Staximus]

He is not you, his views are not your views. He is entitled to his own opinion. Not every guy is going to be a bleeding heart snowflake liberal. You basically forced him to voice an opinion that both of you knew you wouldn't like, and then you went ape shit. He probably doesn't want to deal with that again. The best thing you can say is you're sorry about all that stuff you said. I don't see why you're so worried about it, I thought you said you didn't even know him that well.

[Asker]

Because he won't talk to me.. I want to meet him in person and talk and apologize and since we live in different cities it's hard to convince him of seeing me.. that's the issue and yes I didn't know him well back then, but during the trip I fell for him and now I am suffering..

[Vick2828]

Ok, let's focus on the truth and what you should do. One apologize. You don't know what that man has been through for you to be so mean. Two, if you like him a lot, try to actually tell him that you are looking for a relationship with him and you are willing to hear him out and what he expects from a relationship.

[Asker]

I did apologize to him the day after, but he acted as if nothing happened.. I really want him to understand that I care for him and didn't mean all that.. how can I convince him of that? Of hearing me out?

[Vick2828]

You need to tell him you feel. Also, you need to show it too. If you see him in person, smile and act friendly. Be a little flirtatious. Try to buy him food. Be like, are you hungry? I was headed to this place, and I wanted to buy you something to eat too. Laugh a little and be really warm and comforting. Try to make him feel good about himself.

[Asker]

We live in different cities I will never cross his ways until he agrees to meet up with me unfortunately.. :/

[maximumpower]

"... even if they are hot..."?
Wtf does that have to do with it?
While its true that most guys will jump at the chance to have sex with someone, chances are very good that he's refused to have sex bc there are far too many warning bells and danger flags associated with any type of relationship with you.
Problem here is not him - it's that person you see in the mirror.

[Asker]

Yea I mean like, he obviously wanted, but he refused anyway.. never had a man say no to me before, never heard of a man say no before, so the only reason he didn't want, was because of what I said? I never thought that it would leave such an impact.. however I really want to make it up to him. Any chances there is a way?

[spartan55]

Sounds like you said a bunch of nasty shit to him and he lost interest. It's funny how girls always seem to think they can say whatever they want to guys and think they can just hit the 'do over' button like nothing ever happened.

[Asker]

I know I might not be able to hi the "do over" button, but I really and sincerely want to hit an "I am really sorry" button and try to work it out..

[spartan55]

Great, have you apologized to him yet?

[Asker]

I did, but he always acted as if it wouldn't have bothered him and he said "yea nothing happened" or "I don't care about what you have said" .. but his actions showed something else.. then six months after all that, he unfollowed me on Instagram and then a month after he unfollowed me, he removed me also from his followers, so I texted him the first time in six months and said that I thought we'd see each other again, since I'll be in his town, but I don't know if he hates me, since he removed me completely from his Instagram and he said that he doesn't hate me, but that we are different and it's better if we aren't having contact ecc so I said that I am sorry and that I am angry at myself for how things played out and that it'll be sad if we don't see each other again because of all that and he didn't respond.. so I called days later in the middle of the night and he got mad, because it was late, then texted on his birthday, he thanked me and then when I asked him whether he's free for a phone call, because we need to talk he kinda never got back to me ( think about freaked him out or he got scared I don't know).. so I don't know how to get to hin

[spartan55]

Tbh, it sounds like you are bugging him, and getting into crazy territory. How far away do you live from each other?

[Asker]

About 3 to 4 hours

[Asker]

What do you mean with crazy territory?

[spartan55]

Well, what you did in the first place. Now you are contacting him and he has repeatedly given you the stiff arm... if a guy were doing this he would be called a stalker.

[Asker]

True.. that's why I am really desperate to convince him to hear me at least out

[spartan55]

I really doubt that will happen. I know I wouldn't.

[Asker]

Is there anything that would've convinced you to hear a person out? Like anything?

[spartan55]

Wow, you just aren't getting it. No.

[Asker]

Just not giving up hope here..

[spartan55]

You should, because the longer you hold out, the more unstable you look.

[Asker]

To him?

[spartan55]

Uh, yeah.

[spartan55]

Right now he just wants you to go away.

[Asker]

It has been already passed so much time.. why is he still hating on me?

[spartan55]

Listen to you... you don't get it. He didn't like how you acted. You think he just forgets? You have zero self awareness.

[Asker]

I don't think that he just forgets, but I think that if he heard me out, he'd see that this is not who I am

[spartan55]

Well, how would he know that? Sounds like that wasn't the only incident. Be accountable, you are not taking responsibility and it's very unappealing.

[Asker]

I did take accountability.. I texted him that I am sorry for making him think that we are different and that I am angry on myself for that and that I am sorry for the way I behaved and that it's not usually how I am ecc but he didn't say anything

[spartan55]

Texting an apology... fail...

[Asker]

Do you mean my apology wasn't good or that fail that he didn't say anything

[spartan55]

I would completely ignore any apology by text.

[Asker]

We live in different cities

[spartan55]

Excuses, you just don't fucking get it.

[BeMuse]

Everything you said is irrational. He doesn't like you. Get over it. He never considered you for a relationship, that is just you trying to cope with your failure.

[Asker]

So was what this trip all about then?

[BeMuse]

It sounds like he was interested in causally having sex with you before. You were a nut job and a general pain so he's done with you. He doesn't like you and doesn't want to waste his time with you anymore. He is contrasting a girl he would have a relationship with and you. You're the opposite of someone who he’d consider having a relationship with. He's voicing that to get you to go away. It's like saying you're the last girl in the world I would sleep with.

[BeMuse]

He's saying I want this. You are not that. It's not that he ever saw you as that. It's just that you are not that. He has made up his mind. It's not that he wants you to change. He's just put his foot down and said no.

[Asker]

So he never wanted a relationship? Why did he pay for this trip then? He could've invite me to his city for casual sex?

[BeMuse]

He probably wanted to go on the trip. People do go on vacations. Maybe he didn't want to go alone. Having a friend along for the ride that wanted to hook up with him probably seemed like a good idea to him.

[Asker]

So why pay for the whole thing then if it's only as a friend and we didn't knew each other good enough before to call this friends going on vacation..

[BeMuse]

Portable prostitute.

[BeMuse]

The more important question is why would you let him pay you with a vacation...

[MTC29]

The point being...

I feel sad for the guy.

[Asker]

Because? I am really trying here

[MTC29]

Never mind what he paid for; this is all that matters: " I was real harsh on him and I really crushed his ego insulting him and stuff (in my defense I was drunk and hurt) and he literally didn't say anything harsh back, he was real calm."

He deserves better.

[Asker]

He deserves to know how I really feel and that I meant nothing of what I said. But I can't tell him, if he is not ready to hear me out..

[MTC29]

I can't put myself into another man's shoes but crushing his ego insulting him makes it unlikely that he'll ever want to hear from you again.

I proposed marriage to the same woman twice and was turned down both times. After the second refusal I was told that it was because I was boring and predictable and that she wanted someone exciting and spontaneous. I told her to pack her shit and get out of my house... tonight!

Hear her out? Fuck that noise. Over and done with.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re a selfish, vile, utterly contemptible human being who deserves to be alone the rest of her life but probably won’t because some dumb ass will be stupid enough to stick his dick in that clap trap you call a vagina.

[Asker]

Wow, why are you so angry?

[spartan55]

But "that's not who she is"...🙄

[Opinion Owner]

Who’s angry? I’m not angry at all. I just think you’re a terrible person who probably has no redeemable qualities. Gratitude, common courtesy, and basic human decency seem to be lacking in you, and while drunkenness may be an excuse for some behavior, telling someone they have no future and that they disgust you is best left for those of us who make and pay for our own way in life—not for spoiled THOTs who think their own shit smells like roses and perfume.

Amazing. I typed all that out and I was as calm as a lamb. See? No anger. Just judgment. 🤷‍♂️ 👍

[Asker]

Well it would surprise you that I am not at all the person you described, but I understand that you have tendencies to judge a book by it's cover faster than people generally use stereotypes. But well, we all make mistakes, I am not judging you, just pointing out that those words might be hurtful to someone else. But yea, I made a mistake and I am deeply regretting it to the core of my heart and even the thought of what he must have felt hearing all that I had to say is hurting me to the bone. All I want is to make it up to him, letting him know that he is special to me and that I care for him. I can't, because well he might have that same image of me as you have (obviously not that aggressively, but we can agree that it's not a positive one) so all I want is to show him that I am not this person.. also I never wanted him to pay for anything, I offered and fought him several times for paying myself, as I have learned growing up to take care of myself, but he would never let me, not even after all that happened. Hope this clears some things for you

[Nathan25]

I see a lack of remorse. Making excuses for being vile. Confused what is so hard to understand here. Maybe I dont have the full pictures but goddamn this post thicc boi

[Asker]

What do you mean?

[Nathan25]

My reply was harsh. I apologize. My opinion hasn't changed, however. "in my defense I was drunk and hurt." Why it happened should not be the first thing you talk about. Frankly, no one cares why you did it. A better thing to have mentioned is "the next day I apologized." So you basically called him a worthless fuckboi. Then when you got to the hotel room you also treated him like a worthless fuckboi, if those exist.

[Asker]

Thank you! This is giving me so much insight on what I am doing wrong!!! I did do and say some pretty fucked up stuff and I am deeply sorry for it. So how would you advise me to convince him to hear me out? All I want is for him to understand that it was indeed never my intention to hurt him and that he is a special person I care deeply for and that I don't want to miss him in my life.. how do you say that to someone who might think that you only want to fuck?

[Nathan25]

It was my understanding that all you wanted was sex? Is that not the case?
Understanding you didn't mean what you said and believing you didn't mean what you said are two different things. Fixing trust issues is notoriously difficult. I can't really tell you how to make him believe you value him higher than a worthless fuckboi. Not that it isn't possible over time. The problem is convincing him to give you the time to prove it. I'd suggest coming clean about your understanding of the situation, and begging for him to afford you the time of day to prove you value him as a person. Just do stuff for him that you would do for other people of value (without enslaving yourself of course). That said, all this value for a sex based relationship would be a bit much. I'm curious what you want out of this.

[Nathan25]

all this *effort* for a sex-based... I meant

[Asker]

What do you mean with "understanding you didn't mean.. and believing you didn't mean.."?

Like what kind of stuff? We live in different cities, so I can't even see him, otherwise I would've already had this conversation with him in person, where can not run away like on the phone..

I did want a sex based relationship before or better said during the trip.. but then I realized that he had serious intentions with me (or at least I think so after all that he's done for me) and in general during the vacation, as he started to hate me slowly for all that I represented and said, I started to develop feelings for him, for the way he revealed himself to be and so now I want to stay in contact with him and get to know him even better.. I just don't want to miss him in my life. He is a genuine person and I value him. However do you think he might have the impression as well that all my value for him is to much?

[DarkWinterNights]

When people are drunk they are unfiltered. You told him what you really feel deep down and you hurt him. I’m surprised he’s still talking to you and is probably looking for an out.

[Asker]

So I did hurt him with my words and that's the reason he didn't want to have sex? Actually he is not talking to me. I thought he'd initiate contact after that, due to the fact that he continued to follow me on instagram and literally watched all my stories only after three seconds of me posting them, but the he unfollowed me six months after and then a month after that he even removed me from his followers.. so I texted him that I'll be in his city and that I thought we'd see each other and he said that he doesn't hate me, but that we are different.. I called him then a few days after in the middle of the night and he was kinda pissed.. then I texted him on his birthday and he said thanks and then I asked him if we can have a phone call in the next few days and he didn't respond.. I think he is scared

[Asker]

But I really want to make it up to him

[Asker]

How can I do that? He won't talk to me

[DarkWinterNights]

In that case that ship has probably sailed. I didn’t see that much time had passed. If he’s unfollowing you and seems annoyed that you’re calling him he’s probably moved on. I really don’t think there is anything you can do to fix that.

[Asker]

Nothing? I just want him to hear me out

[DarkWinterNights]

I mean sure there may be something if you were to write him a heartfelt apology. But it seems like you don’t really think what you did was all that bad and more than enough time has passed that he appears over you. So.. yeah. If he’s a normal level headed person, probably nothing. If anything you may come across as desperate.

[Asker]

No I know what I did was bad, real bad.. that's why it is so important for me to make it right.. but however, I really don't want to come across as desperate so how do I handle this?

[litty]

He paid a trip for you and you insult him twice? You just helped him realize he made a huge mistake. He's likely going to rethink his life and never speak with you again afterwards.

[Asker]

But I want to make it up to him. How can I do that?

[litty]

You do it by first giving him a genuine apology.

[Anonymous]

wow you're a cold hearted cunt no wonder he wants nothing to do with you. you tore him down and then you expected him to fuck you after the way you insulted and humiliated and degraded him and disrespected him you're lucky he didn't knock you on your ass after what you said to him

[Asker]

That bad? I just said a few words and I am sorry for them, but I don't think they are worth getting violent

[Opinion Owner]

maybe not but what you did say was pretty awful