Does this sound abnormal?

[Anonymous]

I ( 28f) agreed to date this guy (25m) and since we were colleagues, we were both kinda friends before the date itself. However within a few minutes of the first date, he started talking about marriage. This was fine as I thought he was just tryna look for something serious but he later told me he was moving to a different city in a few months and said he'd really like it if I moved to that city too.

What's confusing is that he wouldn't touch me at all, he maintains distance and the most he ever does is glance over at me and smile.

[Fireguy17]

Ya, you kind of don't bring up marriage on the first date or moving to another city.
You need to build up to that.
I've had some great 1st dates, but not running off and getting married good.

[Asker]

He wasn't asking to get married immediately, but talking about if I'd consider him for marriage down the track. But yes he didn't build up to it, and didn't really consider if I liked him that much already.

[TheNewGeneration]

Yes, it's not normal. He's moving way too fast for a first date.

The not touching you part seems normal, though. Maybe he just doesn't know that you want to be touched.

[spartan55]

The fact that you don't recognize this as a bunch of red 🚩 flags is just mind boggling.

[Asker]

Why are these red flags? It's not like he was asking me to marry him immediately it was a few years down the track. Yeah he didn't know what I was thinking and asking if I could move to that city with him came across as slightly weird, but is it really that bad?

[spartan55]

"Within the first minutes of the first date'. Honey, this isn't a 'good' or a'bad' thing, it's just very inappropriate thing. Have you not had very much (or any) dating experience?
You just don't talk about that stuff so soon.

[Asker]

None of the guys I dated brought up marriage this soon. But this guy is different. He knew I wasn't sure about it and I assumed he wasn't sure of me either, as most people wouldn't be on the first date. It's not like he was talking about marrying me necessarily, he was talking about marriage in general and what he expects - it was clear that he is only interested in finding a serious partner and was considering if it might work with me.

What stood out was the fact that he asked if I could move to that city when he does so that it would make meeting up easier. Moreover, asking to meet my family was strange as I didn't even know what I felt about him yet, so it felt really weird that he'd ask so soon.

[spartan55]

Exactly, that's my point.

[spartan55]

He was presuming a lot of things.

[Asker]

He knew he was only wanting a serious relationship, is it that bad to let the other person know that you are only in for a serious relationship?

[spartan55]

Of course not. But it was all too much too soon. You said it was weird yourself, so I don't know if you are trying to convince yourself or what.

[Asker]

I didn't say him mentioning marriage or the fact that he was only in for a serious relationship was weird. I found it genuine and kinda sweet, no-one ever said it this early on espsh coz they don't know how the other person feels.

What I thought was weird was the fact that he asked me to move to a different city with him so we can meet up, and the fact that he talks about meeting my family, and despite all this he maintains physical distance. As I said, besides glancing over and smiling occasionally, this guy did nothing to initiate physical contact, even in the least, so I am so confused.

[spartan55]

Confused...🙄... dude was WEIRD start to finish. Out of all the weird red 🚩 flaggy stuff you arecl choosing to focus on why he didn't touch you... which should be last on your list. I know WHY he didn't touch you? Because he's a fucking weirdo. You thought it was sweet... ugh...
Go for it then, and update.

[Asker]

What's weird is that conservative and traditional methods of pursuing someone is viewed negatively, even by people of your age. There's nothing wrong in indicating what you expect from the start. I just don't understand how he thought he could ask me to move to another city just so we could meet up often, and how he asked if he could meet my family when he doesn't know how I feel.

I understand if you think it's weird but in a place of hookups and one night stands, the fact that this guy only expects marriage or serious relationships stood out for me. Now tell me, what exactly do you find weird so about it?

[spartan55]

I already told you what was weird about it/him. I hardly think putting the full court press on the first date ate 'conservative' or 'traditional' ways of pursuing someone. Do you not think it's important to maybe, I don't know, get to know someone before you start that talk. I mean he can sit there and say he wants a serious relationship all he wants, but who says it ends up that way, or even gets past a first date. What if he decides he doesn't like that eat your peas one at a time? Talking about all that puts unnecessary pressure and expectations on a relationship that hasn't even got off the ground.

[Asker]

Where does one draw the line on how much a person needs to 'know' someone before asking them about marriage? Not saying it is the case here, but some people feel an instant connection, others need a few days and for some it takes months it really varies from person to person.

In this case, I guess he could've tested the waters first, but I feel all he wanted was to know if I could be a potential. Don't you say things like "I'm moving to another city, I'll really like it if you can come along there so we could meet up regularly" or "why don't you call me over to a family dinner, I'd love to meet your family?"
Does it really sound that bad to ask someone this without knowing what the other person's thinking?

[spartan55]

I'm not sure where that line you are talking about, but I know it's WAY beyond the first date.
Uh yeah... that's disrespectful on his part. What makes him think you want to move? Or would move? What if you are estranged from your family and don't have a good relationship with them? So many what ifs... again, these are things that you learn when you get to know someone.

[Asker]

That line as you mention varies from person to person is precisely my point. In extremely rare cases, people find an instant connection, for others it takes time- so any number of seconds/minutes/hours/days/months you need to know someone is going to be arbitrary.

Anyway here the point isn't that. He isn't "assuming" that I would move, he is just saying that he'd really like it if I do move to regularly meet up. He sounded like he was kinda in abit of a fantasy world, it really seems harmless does it not?

[spartan55]

Man, you've got every rationalization/explanation in the book for what that guy and his ideas on relationships.
So what if you start dating and he starts pressuring you to move, to get married etc, etc and you aren't ready, then what?

[Asker]

Lol I've dated another guy who was actually pressuring me into a relationship, with him, I felt I couldn't say no for an answer without upsetting him. I felt like I had no voice with him, I'd say things like "I'm not sure about this, our interests aren't aligning, maybe we should take a break" and he'd reply going "interests aren't aligning is a good thing, we should keep talking." I couldn't say no without upsetting him. What do you think of this situation? I'd totally agree if you called this a red flag.

This guy however wasn't like that, he gives me space to express how I feel and backs away when I don't like it. Him asking me to move was just a suggestion, it's not like he was compelling me. He said he is permanently moving so he could only consider someone seriously if they'd move. So he just said he'll really like it if I could move. If I didn't like it, he'd understand. I had the space to say what I liked with this guy unlike the other one.

[spartan55]

Sounds like 'compromise' isn't in this guy's vocabulary.

[spartan55]

And it's not a suggestion when he's saying he would only consider someone if they would move there... he's not pressuring you which is fine. But if you aren't 100% on board HIS train you are getting left at the station. So he's kind of an asshole if he isn't even going to consider the other person's opinions.

[Asker]

Yeah but long distance relationships are difficult and don't usually work. If he's moving and I can't, then it won't work. Isn't it better if he makes that clear? I mean what else can he do/say?

Wouldn't you agree that the other guy who was pressuring me into a relationship was deffs a red flag though?

[spartan55]

Yeah, but what does he have to do with this?

[Asker]

All I'm saying is that not everyone is perfect. Yes maybe this guy should've thought of how I'd react, thought if I liked him that much to make the move and everything but he didn't. But the reality is not everyone is perfect and we just have to go easy on people. Calling it a red flag I'd too much in my opinion.
Tbh he did say he will permentantly move and can only consider a serious relationship if the other person is willing to move. So why is it that bad that he'll really like it if I could move? He isn't telling me to, he's only suggesting it. What else should he have said?

[spartan55]

Like I said before, because it is putting a significant amount of unnecessary pressure and expectation on a brand new relationship.

[Asker]

But what could else could he have said? What would you say in his position?

[spartan55]

Tbh, I wouldn't be going on dates locally when I was planning on moving 3 months later. That's pretty stupid to me.

[Asker]

6 months later. But yeah he told me I don't have to move immediately, in a year or so would be fine.
I said I couldn't, so he said at least if there's potential to marry and if I move after I marry him it will be fine. He said if I still won't move after I get married, or if I'm against moving, he would have to drop this.

[spartan55]

You said three months earlier. Why would you get married living in two different cities? Man that dude is fucking out of his mind.

[Asker]

He said he can't marry in two different cities, so if I can't move even after I get married, he said he would have to drop it. Is this not a fair point?

[spartan55]

"... if there's potential to marry and if I move after I marry hi it will be fine."
Girl, you aren't making any sense. Why would you get married living apart knowing you weren't moving? It's all so convuluted...
And spoiler alert... you won't end up marrying him anyway.

[Asker]

No, I said I couldn't move so he asked if I still wouldn't even if I get married. He doesn't know if I held firm to the idea of not moving, he thought he could get me to move if I was convinced enough.

So even if I said I wouldn't, I'm not holding firm to it, this is what I meant.

[SiberFox]

I don't touch women until they've touched me first.

[DOGU8585]

what an interesting person :) ı still think he is serious about you, ı hope you give him a chance :)