Any women on here that THOUGHT they were dating a straight man only to realize later that they were dating a gay man?

[DarkRedLove]

Straight 34 year old female here married to a straight man for almost a year. Before marriage we dated exclusively for almost 6 years and have been friends for about 15 years. I don't want to get into too many details about my marriage until I can get enough clarity for myself. I need to narrow down why we're having intimacy and affection issues. I'm admitting that I am questioning my husband's sex/gender preferences after years of knowing this man. Anyone else have or had a similar issue? How can you tell if a man is gay? Are there signs that smack you dead in the face? Is that something that can be hidden so easily? What are some signs?

[Anonymous]

If anything it would be repressed. Unless he's a sociopath he wouldn't lie to you about something like that like that. And yeah there usually are signs if that is the case, you/he just don't recognize them. And that's understandable because most signs could also just be signs of other stuff. Like oh maybe he's gay maybe he's autistic maybe he's traumatized etc. Shit like that. It's very messy. He could be totally hetero and just have random other things about himself he hasn't recognized or addressed that denial would lead to difficulties in relationship.

But yeah similar happened in our marriage, we dated a while got married etc, then wife tuned out to be husband and luckily I turned out bi, but still things are shifting and we aren't sure where we'll both land at the end. The trigger was definitely moving out on our own out from under our fucking phobic parents and being able to live normally for once, try to get comfortable. Only after be able to be ourselves did we start to realize how tight the restrictions had actually been. We really thought I was just alt, and he was just a tomboy. Physch ig.

No it's scary tho we started taking it month by month. I'm waiting for something else to happen that makes us incompatible. Starting to believe we'll make it as a couple again but I didn't see the first one coming at all. I should have, obviously, he clearly had all the "signs" and so did I

—I guess as example for that, strict sex shit. We could have sex sure, easy, but it couldn't be vanilla. Couldn't be several different ways "normal" it had to be a specific way or I couldn't get into it. I assumed—rightfully—this was because of early experiences, but it wasn't *just* that. Also compensating about it. Being sexual for fun or like a game instead of naturally. But again we assumed this was only for other reasons, and while all that shit did relax when those causes were addressed, it relaxed way more than we wanted it to. We didn't even consider more under it cause we were just so used to our accepted roles we didn't seriously consider the possibility of anything else.

Also the scare factor. We didn't want to see anything else. At the time recognizing it for him meant basically considering divorce, and that was world ending for everyone involved. For me it meant appearing to admit to severe accusations against someone I care about that are absolutely false, and damage their relationships to like 3 other people.

[boggboss]

Surly if he was gay tho he wouldn't have slept with u in the first place why is it that him being gay is where your intimacy issues lie not that he is cheating or that he is no longer attracted to you but him lying about his sexuality

[DarkRedLove]

You’re right! Cheating could be happening but I highly doubt it. He goes to work, comes right home. He’s too lazy to go back out after coming home from work. We have each other’s locations on our phones for safety reasons and we leave our phones out in the open when we’re home. Losing attraction to me is probably more accurate. Hurts. I’d rather him be gay. But it is more accurate

[boggboss]

But thatsvthe thing if he was gay essentially everything he has told u now upto this point about lobing u would be a lie thats not that practical

[PrettyPriya]

My first question is how you have known someone this long and not be able to communicate with them? You are married to the man, first of all. You can't talk to him about this? What is making you think he is gay in the first place? Some context would be helpful.

Communication is key in any relationship. More key in a marriage. It doesn't sound like you have good communication. I also have no clue why you are suspicious of him.

If he were gay, why would he marry you in the first place? Also, you have known him for a very long time. You don't think after all those years you would have an answer to your question?

It is dangerous to make those sort of assumptions without some pretty solid evidence. Having intimacy issues is hardly an indicator. That can be caused by any number of things, including medical issues.

You need to talk about your intimacy issues and be open. So does he. Jumping to conclusions that he is gay because of something that could be even caused by some sort of medical problem is not a good idea.

[Calenderagressive]

Scared of homophobia probably...

[DarkRedLove]

I have asked him. He says he’s not gay. There is no affection whatsoever, no hugs, kisses, back scratches, nothing.. no touching at all. He doesn’t look at me in that way. We only have sex once, maybe twice a month. The sex is very vanilla and the best way I can describe it is “let’s gets this done and over with.” We’re too young for that type of sex. I want to say our intimacy and affection has been lacking for the last 3 years. I’m the only one who initiates physical touch. He usually reciprocates it, but this past year he has started to complain when I initiate anything: hugging, kissing, holding hands, sex, anything. It has made me feel like I’m not good enough. It’s hurting my self esteem.

His family is very homophobic and against same sex marriage. He will do anything to please his family. I know that doesn’t automatically make him gay, but it does add to my suspicion of why he married me.

Can you elaborate on any medical conditions that can affect intimacy and affection? Seriously asking.

[PrettyPriya]

@DarkRedLove That sounds more of an emotional disconnect than a sexuality thing. I would not be worried he is gay, more that your marriage is having issues. Something counseling can certainly help with.

As for medical conditions, there are loads of them. Anxiety, depression, low testosterone, erectile dysfunction (which can vary in severeness). I work in the healthcare field and see patients come for a variety of issues with their sexual life. It is a normal thing.

[DarkRedLove]

This is very helpful. Thank you!

[PrettyPriya]

@DarkRedLove You are welcome. Don't give up. You just may need to find that spark again. He also may be suffering from something that is causing the issues. That is something he needs to be honest with himself about. Best of luck to both of you.

[Guy13]

From having friends who are gay... And mostly friends who were not but were but I didn't see it but should have...

[Guy13]

Does he have lots of female friends... more than one "Work Wife". And how is he with the boys. I grew up in a locker room so guys pushing on each other, terrorizing one another, grabbing by shoulder turning around and laughing at penis size etc... so I missed diagnosed that in the world.

To close contact amongst the two guys, having him around the house and kids, "I'm going with David and some other guys to Hockey game." If he is a talker, polite, always tells you where going etc THEN play those interactions back in your head... Good luck with it. DM if want.

[DarkRedLove]

He has a pretty good mix of male and female friends. No women at work, he works with all men but I can honestly say the men all seem very happily married. We actually go out with a few of them and their wives on couple’s dates and every time we do I get a little jealous of the relationships his coworkers have with their wives. He does get more excited about golfing with his friends than he does about him and I going out on dates. The thing that really bothers me is the control he wants in decorating and painting our house. Usually women love doing that stuff (like me), but he loves it and it is to a point where I have to ask permission to buy any artwork or decorations for our home.

[Guy13]

Sounds normal except the home where my inclination is:
—who is he trying to impress.
—whose contemporary high rise apartment has he been in…trying emulate🤷🏻‍♂️ His style suddenly chsnge ⁉️

[JohnK123]

Well if he has nail polish lol or a high voice that trails off…

if u have questions bout it talk to him and if he doesn’t wanna talk just be like I can’t do this anymore or whatever like threaten him to the point u get him to answer

[TrillXHippy]

You’ve known a guy for 22 years and now you think that he is gay?

[Curiosity2006]

Maybe he's just bi? Dunno.

[Wise4myage]

Oh the horror.!

[Calenderagressive]

What's wrong with being gay :(