Hi, My boyfriend and I have are currently not talking.
I went to my friends birthday celebration on Friday while he went out with his friends. I haven’t seen my friend and the group of friends she invited in about 3 years and it was wonderful seeing them. He always goes off when I’m out with my friends so I didn’t drink as much, I kept to myself and enjoyed the company that I know, and left a bit early as to not be accused of doing anything. Little did I know he was calling my phone as I was saying my goodbyes and gathering my things. I didn’t see his calls so therefore I couldn’t call back in a decent time. I walk to my car and I spoke to some friends that were outside including a male friend of mine that I was really close to back in college. Since our friendship made my partner uncomfortable, we had drifted apart and naturally haven’t spoken to each other in years. We caught up on family, work life, our relationships and just overall life before I was left. Towards the end of our conversation a car sped through the neighborhood and unbeknownst to me it was my boyfriend coming to spy on me since I didn’t pick up the phone. He saw me talking to this particular male and blew up. Accusing me of cheating, lying the works. A lot of really harsh things were said as well like he wanting me to move out, that we’re not together anymore, he’ll be talking to other women and have talked to them and had wanted to be single, how he’ll tell his family about me and how he wants nothing to do with mine amongst the how could I do this etc etc…since then he’s been giving me the silent treatment, neglecting our dogs, unfollowing me on every social site, etc. this isn’t the first time he’s said half of those things whilst angry as well as the social media stuff to get a rise out of me. I didn’t do anything wrong by having a conversation with someone. I didn’t cheat nor did I lie about where I was or what I was doing. His reactions have never been this extreme before to things.
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By doing nothing and staying with him you are sending the message that it is okay for him to act like that (Pro tip: it's not) This WILL happen AGAIN, and it will escalate. Right now you have a domestic abuser starter kit...
What are you suggestions on how to leave safely and amicably? I can’t handle any more stress stemming from this relationship so I’d want the best stress free possible option. I don’t think explaining he’d admit to being wrong in this scenario and I’m sure I’d still be the villain even when he’s ready to talk again.. but how do I approach things in a way that won’t lead to a huge blowout which we’re prone to
How long have you been together?
Almost 10 years. We met when we were really young
Wow, any kids together?
No kids
Thankfully...
Has he ever been physically violent with you?
We’ve had two altercations before
He is obviously very insecure. The question to me is why? It would be interesting to hear his side of the story.
In any event, I would ay you have a broken relationship with a man who is insecure, jealous and resentful, and that is going to be difficult to overcome.
It’s been like this since we’ve been together. I’m not the ugliest person so men have and will try to talk to me but he feels as though I’ll cave in which hasn’t and won’t happen
Ok, thanks for that additional background. He just sounds very insecure even though it appears you haven't given him valid reasons to be.
My hunch is that this will be an ongoing issue for your relationship and I'm not sure how best to address it. You could have a frank discussion with him and let him know you can't live like this. Couples therapy might be helpful if you are committed enough to him to try fix this, and he is willing.
Also, given his obvious insecurity about it, you need to be very thoughtful about your interactions with guys. It was very unfortunate that you didn't answer his calls and he drove by just as you were talking with that guy. The optics of that are obviously not good if you put yourself in his shoes.
Avoiding scenarios like that will be important if you want to continue your relationship.
Good luck. I'm sorry I'm not more help.
Thank you for your feedback!
Sounds like nothing so I'm guessing he wants out and is using this as an excuse to do so.
Maybe he feels insecure in the relationship and seeing the two of you together seemingly confirmed his worst fears.
To give more context, trust is something we’re working on on both ends. I’ve never cheated and his constant accusations of thinking I have because men will try to hit on me, made me feel as though he’s cheated and is using that as an excuse for me to also be in the hot seat. We’re both insecure and are working on that but we deal with things a bit differently. I would never pull up and automatically assume that because he didn’t pick up my calls that he was doing thing. I can understand how it may have looked however, it’s a scenario that happens in social settings which I know for a fact and seen that he’s been in before.