Is it wrong to beg a guy to talk to you again?

[Anonymous]

Like a friends with benefits/casual who things turned rocky with and we kinda had a bad fight. I said a lot of mean things and he blocked me, told me to leave him alone. Will he come around or should I ask if we can talk again?

Updates

+1 y

* I did have feelings for this guy and he knows it too

[MrOracle]

I don't recommend that you beg. I recommend that you apologize and that you humble yourself. Not only should you apologize, but you need to tell him WHY what you did was wrong, and what you have done and will do to prevent it from happening again.

But even before you do, you need to know that there's still no guarantee that he'll talk to you anymore, and you STILL need to realize that he's unlikely to EVER return the feelings that you have for him. A guy either wants a relationship with you (something he will usually know almost immediately), or he never will. It's very, very rare for a guy to change his mind once made. As such, he's going to be wary of getting involved with you again, because he knows if he does, you're likely to want him to have feelings for you back, and when he doesn't, you're just going to get all upset again.

He's made it clear that he's not interested in a real relationship, and it's obvious that that's what you want, and even if you THINK you are willing to accept less, as soon as you start sleeping with him again, you know damn well that you're going to want more. You need to accept that you aren't going to get it from him - EVER, so it's almost certainly better that you just move on and find someone who IS interested in being in a relationship with you - even if he's not on the same level as the guy you like. In all likelihood, you are trying to get a guy above your level, and while a guy above your level will sleep with you, that doesn't mean he'll commit to you. Guys have no problem sleeping down, but they are much more picky about who they commit to, and many top guys don't commit to anyone, because they don't have to.

That reality may be harsh, but I'm not saying it to be mean, just to be realistic. This is a lesson that nearly everyone has to learn, because we all want a partner above our own level - it's just not a very realistic goal, and most of us have to learn to accept the reality that we're almost never going to get someone above our own level.

And for women, it makes no difference who will sleep with you (because almost any guy will) - it only counts if he COMMITS to you. Sexual attention is not at all the same as relationship attention.

[Asker]

You're right, but this guy is prob not even all that explaining of why I was wrong. He literally just doesn't care. It doesn't phase him, that's how much of an evil he is. And yeah, if I sleep again nothing will change nor my feelings will go away. This is just not right for me, & he preyed on the wrong girl

[Asker]

* not even worth all

[Asker]

Mind u, he is a sex addict & used to be..

[Asker]

A guy either wants a relationship with you (something he will usually know almost immediately), or he never will.
No, he made it clear it's just sex

[Asker]

and many top guys don't commit to anyone, because they don't have to.
Why?

[MrOracle]

Relationships come with a very high cost for most men, so unless a guy determines that the reward is at least equal if not better than the cost, AND that this girl is going to give him those things at the same or less cost than his other options, then it makes no sense for him to commit. And a guy who can attract lots of girls can always find another girl who will give him more for less, even if only for a while. You did exactly that, and he kept you around until you raised the price by wanting more. You knew going in that "more" was never going to be an option, but you chose to ignore that fact, because it wasn't what you wanted to hear, and you assumed that you could change him. You're more likely to be struck by lightning every birthday for a decade than you are to change a man.

Essentially, you played yourself. He was clear what he was offering, and you knew that wasn't enough for you, but you agreed to the deal anyway because he was attractive. You are approximately woman #12 billion to make that mistake. The only question is whether you learn the lesson or whether you will play yourself again. Most women do it over and over and over again. They don't want to listen to anyone else's warnings because they don't want to accept that they can't have everything they want. But no one can.

Anytime you pick a guy who can replace you more easily than you can replace him, you have no leverage in the relationship.

[Asker]

Relationships don't have to come with a high cost for men, if they don't stay in it too long.

[Asker]

They can choose whether to stay long or not. If it's not a long investment it's not too much of a high cost

[MrOracle]

That's exactly the point, and why many guys don't have any interest in committing or "making it official." No one says that women can't have casual sex relationships if they want them, but the reality is that most women don't want them, and even many who do find that such relationships don't work for them, because even if they go into the relationship believing it's just going to be casual, her feelings quickly grow strong and she changes her mind - and he doesn't. So, most women want a commitment. The problem is that they tend to go after the top guys - guys above their own level - and those guys don't need to give a commitment to get what they want, so they almost never do.

As long as women accept a non-committed relationship (which they have to accept to get anything from those top guys), then they're going to get hurt by those guys. But it's nearly impossible to convince most women to choose a man on their own level, so women continually work against their own long-term best interests. They convince themselves that they can attract a hot guy with casual sex and then change his mind about the commitment part somehow. This NEVER WORKS, but most women try it again and again and again, because they think that's better than going for a man on her own level, who wouldn't be as popular with her friends on Instagram.

[Asker]

Not sure you understood what i meant. I'm saying say a guy is committed for a year or a few months. That's not a lot of investing, than say marriage or longer terms

[Asker]

Yeah of course in marriage or several years would be more costly

[Asker]

those guys don't need to give a commitment to get what they want, so they almost never do.
Why? Relationships require commitment.

[Asker]

So are u basically saying they're scared of commitment in case they regret their choice or aren't happy?

[MrOracle]

The most attractive guys - the ones nearly all girls chase - know full well that they can get sex and attention and sometimes even more from a woman even if he doesn't commit to her. He doesn't need to take her on dates, doesn't need to introduce her to his friends or family, doesn't need to reply to her calls or texts immediately, doesn't need to call or text her in the morning or before bedtime, etc. He doesn't need to listen to her problems and doesn't need to comfort her. He certainly isn't going to pick her up in the middle of the night if her car breaks down, or fix it on the side of the road. He simply doesn't have to - he has all the power and they both know it.

A man in a committed relationship needs to do all of those things and more. That's part of what a commitment is.

Top guys don't want any of that hassle, so they simply don't put up with it, and frankly, they don't have to, because so many women want to be with them so badly that they will accept - at least in the beginning - that he isn't going to do any of those things. She accepts it because she has convinced herself that he's going to fall in love with her and change. But he won't. His heart was never open to her - or any woman - so that's never going to happen.

Those guys usually don't keep women around for long because after a few weeks or months, the girl will start wanting more, and will start pushing for it or complaining about not getting it, and so he'll dump her and replace her with the next girl on the list, until she too becomes a hassle, and then on to the next one.

[MrOracle]

If a woman wants a commitment, she needs to accept that she's never going to get it from a man above her level. A man above her level can replace her, and the further above her level he is, the easier he can replace her and the more choices he has to do so.

A woman who is a 6 can't get any attention from a guy who is a 9 - unless she offers him no-strings-attached sex, which he'll often accept. He sees it as a fair trade: attention for sex. But too often, the woman believes that being able to get a 9 in her bed means that she is also a 9 - but that's not how it works. For a woman, her level is based on who she can get to COMMIT to her. That guy who is a 9 is NOT going to commit to a woman who is a 6. He'll bang her, but he's not going to give her commitment benefits, and if she starts complaining about that, he'll dump her. No big deal to him - he's got 100 other girls waiting for their turn.

The problem, of course, is that women ONLY want 9s and 10s, and they think that "all men are jerks" because the 9s and 10s they go for treat them like jerks. Most don't realize that if she just took at man at her own level - a guy who is a 6 in this hypothetical example - then she's very likely to get the commitment she wants. Most women don't want to hear this, though - they want their 9s and 10s.

[UniquelyBasic]

Dont be too desperate about it though. Just let him know that you would like to resolve any issues you two had and want to spend time with him. Leave it at that and he will either decide to take you up on it or not.

[ShellyB]

If you think you owe him an apology I would apologize. If you do not think you owe him an apology, I personally would leave it alone unless he contacts you. I do not think it would be "wrong" to contact him, but I think it would prob. be counterproductive. JMO good luck!

[Anonymous]

It’s embarrassing and desperate. Why do you want a man to pity you so deeply he gives you another chance? Rather than focus on him you need to find your worth and self love, because begging a man to use you for sex again is just tragic.

[Asker]

It's not sex. Just wanted him to talk to me. We stopped having sex since I have feelings

[Opinion Owner]

Well, you can’t be selfish and make it all about what you want. If he said leave him alone then leave him alone and move on, don’t be desperate. Besides you’ll never get over your feelings for him if you two were still talking and I guarantee he would easily get sex out of you again if he wanted it because he knows you will do it and that’s horrible. Time to get yourself together.

[Asker]

You are right, but why is it horrible? What's your reason

[Opinion Owner]

How is it anything less that horrible for a man to literally know that he can treat you however he wants and still be able to manipulate your feelings? When you are so readily available, it doesn’t look loyal or loving or admirable, it’ll look pitiful and desperate to him. He should be afraid to lose you, he should love you as much as you love him and give you a title, but he doesn’t want to. Even though he knows you want that and are available for it, he friendzones you. To me that’s also horrible.

[Asker]

Yep and all of that makes him an asshole

[Opinion Owner]

Exactly, so why even consider “begging” a person like that to talk to you?

[Asker]

😞😔 out of sadness

[Opinion Owner]

You can be sad, ending something when you don’t really want to is hard. But never beg, you’re better than that and if you don’t believe me then that’s something you really gotta work on.

[Asker]

I don't know how to work on it

[Asker]

He's all I ever wanted...

[Opinion Owner]

It’s inner work, really. I don't know if you struggle with depression or have just been hurt/disappointed a lot in the past, but whatever it is you’ve got to address it so you can heal. I don't know if therapy is an option or if you’ve done it before but I would really consider getting that sort of help. If you can’t afford it or just don’t want it for whatever reason then figure out some coping methods, like journaling, writing or whatever helps get your thoughts out. Find ways to keep distracted and spend time with people who genuinely love you. If you don’t have support around, then support yourself. Start speaking positivity affirmations every day, it builds your self esteem and helps you see your worth again. Right now you are in a low place that is desperate for this man’s love, when really you have to love yourself first.

[Wise4myage]

Begging reeks of desperation, so never beg.