Why don't men think they need to scramble to ask a girl out who has the exact same hobbies, personality, etc as him unless she is firstly hot?

Question

I've had so many disappointments whereby I assume that a guy realizes he's found 'the one' in me, due to us having the same marginalized introverted personality, or unique hobbies that makes it difficult to find same sex friends who like the same things, yet he doesn't get off his lazy bum to frantically scramble to come up with pickup lines in order to talk to me. Are men THAT animalistic that they have to be attracted to a girl before they care about finding someone that shares the same deep understanding of being marginalized by others? I mean, I see these guys who are loners, and I assume that they've had an extremely hard life of people nagging at them to be friendlier. I don't actually go up to them and say, 'it's okay, I understand', but still! They should appreciate my absence of criticism, and start moving mountains for me. But they don't, and I'm forced to feel as though I want relationships more than he does, even though I'm usually a loner as well.

nawtee_me · Accepted Answer

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…. What I mean is, if you grow up in an abusive family you might tend to see that as the norm and look for an abuser to get in a relationship with. What I am trying to say is if the guy is always being told to be friendlier and your not telling him that then he may see you as not normal?
The thing is, if a person is not taught to clean house and make their bed. Then when they move out they live like a slob…. It is not really their fault, they just don’t know any better since they were never taught.
You look around and you see others that are similar to you. Guys that have some of the same interest as you. You are coming out of your shell and you see these behaviors in others and want to be with others like you. But if they are not at that point then they can’t see what you see unless someone teaches them first…..

JamesDiaz11 · Accepted Answer

I wouldn't term it "animalistic"- that's unfair. We are mammals, and the primary thing that first attracts a guy to a woman is her looks. If he's not physically attracted to her he's probably not going to go for it- in the same way that women don't entertain guys that don't meet her desires.

Of course, both men and women recognize physical attractiveness, but for guys it's probably 95% of the equation (at least initially through 6 months), whereas for women it's probably around 60-70%. A guy can also be funny, rich, or have something else going for him that'll make up for any SLIGHT disparity in his attractiveness rating.

Unfortunately, as a girl, guys will not fight for you (regardless of what niche hobbies you have) if you're not attractive.

DaveJord · Answer

There's your problem, your putting expectations on him, and resenting the fact that you seem to have do more then you should, because on some level you view him as less than?

You literally just said that very thing... you said;

"I mean, I see these guys who are loners, and I assume that they've had an extremely hard life of people nagging at them to be friendlier. I don't actually go up to them and say, 'it's okay, I understand', but still! They should appreciate my absence of criticism and start moving mountains for me."

You want them to appreciate something you never did to them, by not criticizing them, then expect then to appreciate something you honestly had no right to do to them in first place... when obviously on some level you do feel you had the right to criticize them.

You do realize there is no way you are right in thinking this way, correct?

Secondly, you are calling them loners, like its one step away from loser... and then expecting them to appreciate you for not criticizing them and then move mountains for you, because you are actually talking to them. Like honestly do you really think your that special, because you don't really sound like it?

Maybe you should go up to them and tell them it's okay, that they are who they are, and you still would like to date them. That might work better then never doing anything and then not get credit for not doing what you're doing... when you supposed to not do what you aren't doing.

Its like saying I could murder someone, I never straight said I would like to murder, so they don't really know that I could murder them if I wanted to, but I don't want to, but they should kiss my ass for the fact that I don't because I could if I wanted to, but I don't so I won't... so what's wrong with all these people you literally never kiss my ass because I have and won't ever murder anyone... but I could, I just choose not to.

That makes no sense... and said it to illustrate the point that is none sensical approach you are talking.

RangerBlue22 · Answer

You should reread what you wrote above about 48 hours from now when you are in a different mindset. Because I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt that you wrote this question when you were being dominated by your emotions and self centeredness. I really hope you are not always like this. Your being a very bad example for women.

You are living up to a very negative and prevailing stereotype here. Like you saying “yet he doesn't get off his lazy bum to frantically scramble to come up with pickup lines in order to talk to me.”. Your question is dripping with entitlement and condescension.

Many of these men may have done as you demanded in their younger years only to be mocked or worse friendzoned if they tried to hard. Maybe these “introverted loners” as you do call them are actually more focused on their careers and lives right now vs. winning the HS popularity contest.

Men do need and appreciate friends. But the world expects us to be independent and to concentrate our efforts on our careers and endeavors. We can’t look to date and/or marry someone who will financially enable us. We sure as hell don’t need platonic female “friends” to survive. We might become friends with women by happenstance (work, hobbies, school). But any straight man past the age of 30 would be a moron and wasting his precious time pursuing a woman just to “make friends”.

Anyway back to your original question. Famous author Stephen Covey who wrote “The 7 habits of highly effective people” once quoted to “seek to understand before being understood”.

So have you really put even an ounce of honest effort to UNDERSTANDING the men you are criticizing? Or do you just assume their dating lives are just like yours and they decide to act this way you don’t like?

DizzyDesii · Answer

When i share the same hobbies as a guy, it usually brings us closer together not further apart. And yea i’m a lonewolf and prefer lonewolves. I feel lonewolves choose to be alone while loners dont have a choice. But anyways, if a guy is not putting in effort (which sounds like what you’re describing) then he doesn't deserve you. The first 1-3 months of a getting to know eachother, regardless of if in a relationship, is like an interview. People need to be on their best behavior and put in effort to make things work. These guys you mentioned are becoming lazy too early on 😂 They must forgot they’re still in the tryouts

MCheetah · Answer

This isn't a "men" thing. This is a "only guys you talk to" thing. Also, maybe you're not quite "The One" in their eyes, either. You ever think of that being possible? Usually guys don't need motivation to chase after a girl if he actually likes her.

You come off super-entitled and demanding, in this post alone. "Start moving mountains for me." And what are you doing for them to warrant such behavior from them? Being female? You ever say yourself that you're a loner. So why do you feel so entitled to men simping to you, when you don't even usually interact with people or exert extroversion, based on your own words?

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

1. She has to have both the same hobbies, interests, personality, etc. AND be physically attractive to him for a guy to be interested, so yes, we are indeed that animalistic while also being that cultured.

2. Thats not the issue though, this is:

"yet he doesn't get off his lazy bum to frantically scramble to come up with pickup lines in order to talk to me"

And this:
"They should appreciate my absence of criticism, and start moving mountains for me."

You have an inflated ego, you are lazy but want non a non-lazy man, you want "mountains moved" for you, while you do nothing.

You're a hypocrite and you act entitled. This is a MASSIVE turn off to any genuinely considerate man. Are you doing any of those things you demand of him? No? Then you cannot complain.

Lionman95 · Answer

I think they know perfectly well what's expected of them. It's just that a guy needs to find a woman also physically attractive to keep a relationship going with her.

But that's not always a problem since speaking of my experience I find on average about 1 in 5 or sometimes even 1 in 3 or 4 women attractive.

Therefore that the main problem of the guys you're describing is that they could have a low testosterone level that keeps them being insecure, not sure what to do or not bold enough to even try asking a woman out.

The problems those lads have is that they've given up to look for a solution to their problem.

Kaneki05 · Answer

If a girl had the same hobbies as me I would try latch onto that girl forever. Though there could still be issues but that has nothing to do with looks.

And maybe you do want the relationship more than he does. Some people are more longing for it than others. So find someone who wants it as much as you.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes men go based off of looks in a majority of cases. Just cause I have similar interests w a girl who is 200 plus pounds, isn’t fit, doesn’t work, workout or whatever the case may be doesn’t mean I have to like her. You call them lazy, but you aren’t willing to do the exact same thing by getting off your lazy behind to approach them. You need to realize that the way you think, the way most women think is not how men think. You wanting us to think the same as you is never going to happen. Besides it’s 2022, aren’t women all about equality? So why not do the leg work yourself. Approach them. Sad that you’re shaming men for liking what they like. Women do it all the time based on various things. His income. His job. His height. Weight. Etc.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't scramble for any woman. The last woman I took a liking to found this out. This is the problem with too many women. They think they are alone some prize to be won. I know what I bring to the table and I know she's not going to get it with every guy. So she has to earn me as much as I have to earn her. The last woman thought she could pit me against some other guy. And I simply said to the guy "you can have her". After he dumped her she came back to me but she's already burned that bridge and I Said she's going to have to live with that bad decision she made. Does attraction play a part? Absolutely! I wouldn't expect, nor would I want to be with someone who was not attracted to me. Why should her expectations of me be any different.

MrHopper · Answer

I guess if they are introverted its likely because of that they lack that confidence to ask, i know i had various female friends over the decades and i look back now being more confident and go "ahhh shit... that time she asked me to ring her phone and gave me her number she hadn't actually lost her phone" and stuff like that. We stupid tbh

JSmuve · Answer

"he doesn't get off his lazy bum to frantically scramble to come up with pickup lines in order to talk to me"

Because that would look desperate as fuck and would turn most women off.

"They should appreciate my absence of criticism, and start moving mountains for me."

And today's word, boys and girls, is entitlement.

fonduegirl · Answer

episode 2 of  Desperate Men, season 1. . . im just waiting for a douche bag to say "men can have sex with out getting attached" like no shi Patrick, we know that. we're just horrified.

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

Sometimes men could be afraid to make a move on you for fear of rejection, but you are similar in hobbies, personality, etc. This is really hard to tell what's going on in their heads, too.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Thanks for posting this. First of all as a reminder to guys to not procrastinate. And secondly, for something I've noticed about women. Women who are aesthetically pleasing, aka attractive, often do not even realize it.

HighValue · Answer

Only expect from a man the same effort that you put in yourself.

peedy · Answer

I think you and aot of people are missing the point of marriage and or dating which is
Two imperfect people that love and care about each other so much that they are determined not to give up on each other

Berethor · Answer

You too can ask them out, and they not looking for a friend, women are expected to be pretty.

RealMarek · Answer

“Are men THAT animalistic that they have to be attracted to a girl before they care about finding someone...” Yes, most often.

pizzalovershouse · Answer

Cuz guys none of us guys really have a clue what girls mood is nothing worse than flirting to get a date an she seems friendly an then says she is in bad mood sense her day is bad

BJP21 · Answer

If you have the same hobbies as I do, I will be tripping over myself to get to you regardless if you are hot or not.

Twalli · Answer

We don't want to go out with an ugly person, period. Obviously, we look for substance too, but if the "wrapping" isn't nice we don't really want to see what's in the package.

blackoutlawstudbrady · Answer

We boys LOVE hot girls. I mean, I'm a HUGE sports fan, but if a chick looked more like a dude than I, I wouldn't date her even if her sports fandom approached or bettered mine.

Alex8736 · Answer

is your question correct meaning you want to ask a girl out?

Whatisthatname · Answer

So you ask him out then if you're such a good match. It goes both ways

torn_downosprey · Answer

You have an insanely high ego, and should really lower it.

PinkRose24 · Answer

You're not beautiful that's why.

Why don't men think they need to scramble to ask a girl out who has the exact same hobbies, personality, etc as him unless she is firstly hot?

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Why don't men think they need to scramble to ask a girl out who has the exact same hobbies, personality, etc as him unless she is firstly hot?

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