Would you stop being friends with someone if they tried to make a move on you?

[Pink2000]

My friend who is a guy of almost 20 years wanted to hang out and watch movies together after I got off work. This isn’t uncommon for us to do as of recently. I’ve been to his house a couple times to watch movies , he came to my place once while I had another friend there to watch movies. This last time he wanted to come over my place but I said I’d rather go to his place cause he has a theatre room which Is where I assumed we’d be watching the movie like always. I got to his house and we end up watching the movie in his room. I didn’t really question it. I’m sitting in his gaming chair eating my food and after about 1hr he starts insisting I sit on the bed with him. I kept declining until my butt started hurting from that chair so I sit on the bed and I’ve got pillows all around me. Some kind of way he ends up closer like touching me close. I’m sitting straight up, he’s laying flat. His arm ends up around my lower butt several times and he kept grabbing my hands. I know he was definitely trying to make a move on me. He knows I do not like him and I never will. He knows what type of girl I am and he is not and never will be my type.

[WhiteSteve]

Mannnnn, I got a theory about this😝 I feel like nice dudes (I assume he’s somewhat nice, being a friend of yours, independent of this recent issue) watch rom-coms…. not female rom-coms, more like comedy movies with a male protagonist that are “technically” rom-coms because there’s a romantic interest, but the movie is more “com” than “rom.”

Like how many movies have some basic plot formula of “average guy likes hot chick—>hot chick likes some other hot dude—>hot dude is kind of a dick —> average dude spends 90 minutes (and probably months or more of time in the story timeline) RELENTLESSLY persisting and hanging around trying to demonstrate his superpower of being nice —>hot dude fucks up irreparably—> nice dude is right there and the hot chick is like “oh my god, I’ve been so blind, this dusty bum-ass desert-thirsty dude is actually my dream guy even though I’m comically out of his league” —> happily ever after, the end.”? There are a hundreds of movies like that, it’s one of the oldest tropes going.

So I think guys are growing up watching that and thinking it’s the way if you aren’t a lady-killer naturally. And furthermore, that it’s ok and not crossing lines when it gets to a certain level. I think a lot of guys just see themselves as the hero in the story (to be fair, most people probably do), and on some level, he’s just a good guy with a crush on a young lady, so “how could what I’m doing possibly be unwelcome? I KNOW that my intentions are good.” His intentions may be good, but can simultaneously be out of whack with reality, and he might have had some romanticized idea of how everything would play out.

Have you ever said anything directly? Or just played him cool and just dropped hints. Even if you’ve spelled it out, some people are so caught up in being the main character of the story that it doesn’t register, or it’s just the usual rom-com hurdle. That’s the problem with those movies, the lady will reject dude like 9 times and then finally goes for it on the 10th try, and it’s just like “Nooooooooo, that’s not real life.” I used to do alright with the ladies back in my day, and even I never changed a girl’s mind lmao, if she was out on it when I first hollered at her, it was dead, that was it. There was no “winning over”, I just wasn’t for her.

So with regard to your friend…. I guess it’d depend on how explicitly you’ve rejected him before, but if you’ve never said “bro…not into it…we can be friends, but that’s it, and it won’t change” in those words…. don’t be too harsh. He might have the hint now, too, I don’t know. If it got as far as you being on his bed and him trying to make any sort of physical contact, if it didn’t happen then, I’d think he likely knows that’s a tough sign for his prospects with you.

But depending on your relationship with him, and how offensive his advance was to you, I’d say the kindest course of action would maybe be to gently let him down, but don’t mince words about your feelings. Honestly, he might choose to just walk on the friendship. Might be tough on him to be around you, depending on how into you he is. I wouldn’t be totally insensitive to his feelings unless he was badly out of line, maybe just say you’re cool being friends (if you still are), but it really needs to be understood that it’s just that. Then maybe leave the ball in his court and say if you ever want to hang as friends, hit me up, but if you don’t want to, no hard feelings. I think some dudes just need to hear an actual “no” before they can mentally move onto a lm other fixation. But of course, if he was giving off dangerous vibes of any sort, cut him off clean.

[Pink2000]

Your theory is spot on !

[RangerBlue22]

“ Like how many movies have some basic plot formula of “average guy likes hot chick—>hot chick likes some other hot dude—>hot dude is kind of a dick —> average dude spends 90 minutes (and probably months or more of time in the story timeline) RELENTLESSLY persisting and hanging around trying to demonstrate his superpower of being nice —>hot dude fucks up irreparably—> nice dude is right there and the hot chick is like “oh my god, I’ve been so blind, this dusty bum-ass desert-thirsty dude is actually my dream guy even though I’m comically out of his league” —> happily ever after, the end.”? There are a hundreds of movies like that, it’s one of the oldest tropes going.”

It’s really sad and f*cked up young guys get brainwashed with inaccurate bs from rom-coms. But your sadly right.

[Pink2000]

@RangerBlue22 that’s what happened. I was in a relationship with a hot guy (tall, athletic, dominant) we broke up and there he was.

[RangerBlue22]

@Pink2000 think of the last time you were really attracted to someone. We’re you thinking clearly and making the best decisions? When you are not attracted to someone you can see everything as plain as day.

Anyway I responded below with recommendations on how to best handle this. In the long run he’s going to end up hating himself if he keeps hanging out with you. Do you want him to hate himself? Realize that if you keep talking and being around him it will only make things worse not better for him. You need to draw the line in an email.

Given you have known him so long it’s going to be easier said than done I get that. But no one is teaching boys/men what women really want. The lucky guys are either born aggressive/dominate or had a strong role model they saw do well with women (older brother or dad).

Anyway not excusing the creepy move he made on you. But he isn’t going to just get “the hint” into you very loudly and clearly tell him where you stand and then cut him off. If you love him as friend its actually the best thing you can do. If you don’t he will just keep torturing himself hoping things will change.

[RangerBlue22]

*until you loudly and clearly.

[RangerBlue22]

Well maybe you can’t nor shouldn’t be “just friends” with someone who is attracted to you to begin with.

It’s always women who keep insisting on this delusional crap. How often do you see men complaining that they can’t be just friends with women who like them? It happens maybe once in a blue moon at best. Now why is that? Seriously.

Now with all that said yes you said you have known this guy almost all your life. I can see that being different to an extent. He also betrayed your trust. What’s even more weird is his sudden attraction didn’t arise in his teen years. But also you said was really a dead hint below:

“He knows I do not like him and I never will. He knows what type of girl I am and he is not and never will be my type.”

So you most likely knew for a very long time he liked you. But he decided to take the sneaky route and try to remain “friends” hoping you would one day change your mind. He’s naive, foolish and inexperienced to think that way. Yet if he’s your age (22) then his obliviousness isn’t all too uncommon unfortunately.

[RangerBlue22]

Anyway for both your sakes and his I would say the following:

“He so and so. I have known you for a very long time. I have fond memories when we were children. But tbh I made it clear where I stand about not wanting to be more than friends. I know it pains you to hear this but I am not going to ever change my mind either.

I think it’s best to go our separate ways for both our sakes. This is not a good situation for either one of us. It’s only going to get more painful for you when I start dating someone else. Also I don’t appreciate what you tried to do the other day. It bothered me. I can forgive and forget that you since I’ve known you so long. But again it’s best to go our separate paths. It’s only fair to you and fair to myself.

Love you always as a childhood friend.

- (Your name)

Anyway that is the most respectful way you can be straight up with him. It’s up to you to forgive him for he tried to do (and that was creepy/wrong). But if he’s at least a semi-decent guy he should feel some embarrassment/guilt over that. Since you know him so long I imagine he isn’t horrible.

If he still tries to contact you to hang out after sending him that message above (email?) then you are more then welcome to block and ghost him. But get the point across with some finality.

[Pink2000]

That’s the thing he has never came onto me like that before. My mom has always teased me about him liking me.

[RangerBlue22]

Well your mom was right. I think you were hoping she was wrong. But a part of you deep down knew he did like you and probably knew for a long time. But you were hoping otherwise and trying to ignore it. Reason being he’s very valuable to you just as a platonic friend. But at this point of his life he doesn’t feel same value as just being “friends only”.

It might be sad to hear but the hard cold truth is men do not need women as “just friends” to survive in this world. We are independent. Yes we also have strong biológical urges but we also want to be respected for being men. You seriously he would be okay with just being “friends” makes him feel like you don’t respect his masculinity (on a deep subconscious level).

But again I do understand you’ve know him almost all your life. So I can understand the major conflict there. Also that move he made was bs. Not excusing that.

However it sounds like no one ever showed him the ropes on how women truly view the world and dating. If he had a mentor he would of been more straight up with you a long time ago about where he stood. When you turned him down he would respectfully accepted the rejection and then went on his separate way. Once a woman friendzones a guy It’s final also 99.9999% of the time. We both know that.

Anyway write him an email and carefully think over what you are going to say. You can drop the hammer but also respect where he stands as well.

He didn’t have a choice to feel attracted to you no more then you had a choice to not feel attracted to him. But you can respect each other and agree to go your separate ways. It’s only going to get worse for him when he see’s you start dating someone else. His feelings are not going to turn off like a light switch.

[RangerBlue22]

@Pink2000 Just a FYI I know some of the guy’s responses were wordy and lengthy including mine.

I know you are in a uncomfortable situation and given you knew this guy for so long it’s even worse. But honestly you are part the problem. At best you think he naively gets as much out of your platonic friendship as you do. At worst you know he will do more for you than other friends because he likes you and can milk that.

I doubt it but there is part of you that likes his attention as long it’s in check. He offers you something that other female friends can’t offer. He can offer logical male advice, attention, entertainment, protection while walking in public and maybe even special favors like you haven’t mentioned (e. g. helping you move furniture). I wouldn’t be surprised if you complained to him about your asshole ex boyfriend.

You can NOT fairly expect those favors from men that you know like you. No. That’s a complete one way benefit that’s all for your advantage. It’s not going to stay that way forever and the long run he is going to both resent you and ultimately resent himself for not being strong enough earlier to move on.

If you have to be honest with him while knowing those friendship benefits will all go away. He might not thank you but he will be thankful. He will look back and respect you because you respected him. He also will feel some shame for being sneaky about things. But you have to cut it off and I don’t think you want to.

Anyway my apologies for the word wall. But this friéndzone scenario hit a nerve with me. Your situation is slightly different given you have known him so long. But I know how this will work out in the long run and it’s not good. He’s going to end up hating himself and if you don’t want that than you need to cut the string for good.

[Pink2000]

I’ve never asked him for anything. Even when he offers I decline. We have complained to eachother about our shitty exes like friends do. He doesn’t give me any attention or validation. I have other guys who I’m actually interested who give me attention…. And he knows about them and I know about the girls he has talked to. It’s a Normal friendship until he tried to test the waters.

[RangerBlue22]

It’s not a friendship anymore.

Anyway do what you want. But most women I’ve encountered over the years are way too confident that the guy is going to be “okay” with the friendzone dynamic. Again men don’t seek out nor need women as “just friends” to survive in this world. Women however greatly benefit from this scenario often to the man’s detriment.

Not saying he handled it right because he didn’t. Sounds to me he sadly mislead and raised the wrong way about women really want. He was probably brainwashed into being a “nice guy” since he was a kid. You have no idea how horrible that dynamic is. I bet you 100 bucks he had a controlling and domineering mother who raised him to kiss women’s asses. That’s extremely difficult to unlearn.

[RangerBlue22]

Just a FYI the dead giveaway to all of this was when your mother said “I think he likes you”. She knows what’s up because she’s interacted with men for a lot longer than you have. I think you just wanted to push that thought out of your mind because you didn’t want it to be true.

In an ideal world men and women would be friends first and really get to know each other and then fall in love. It would be a strong and real relationship at that point. That’s what movies, romance novels and other idealistic bs often portrays. Nice thought but it’s a lie 99% of the time. In reality most women are turned on by challenge and mystery. Unfortunately he’s neither for you.

Write the email to him. Be honest but respectful. It will give you time to organize your thoughts. Also it sounds like you don’t have that deep of grudge for him hitting on you. Tell him that was very inappropriate and sneaky however also forgive him if you can because he probably feels really ashamed about it. Just tell him to never do something that sneaky to someone else again. He needs to pay attention to a woman’s body language and signals before trying something like that.

Sorry for the long word wall. Truth is I was semi like this other guy in my early 20s. I had a woman drag me through hell on earth for 1.5 years in college vía friendzone bs. Every time I started to ignore she would reach out to me giving me false hope (she thought I was “okay” just being friends). She met her future husband right in front of me and stayed in contact me with me just to shit test him and keep him on his toes. I was young and dumb at the time and took that as a sign she was still interested.

I hated her because she made me hate myself for being too nice to her. You don’t want a guy to feel that way about himself. It leads to misogyny.

[Helllo123]

I’ve had this happen to me before but I didn’t stop being friends with him because he was my good friend from high school. I just kept him at a distance and told him I didn’t like him in that way when he tried to kiss me. He obviously sometimes tried again and I would just laugh and he would shrug it off and apologize because he was drunk but he eventually got a girlfriend and left me alone. so I understand your situation. Just be honest with him and if he can’t stay friends with you because he is in love with you at this point. I’m sure you’ll respect his decision.

If you are uncomfortable though then you should be the one who cuts if off but do it over the phone or in person since he’s been a good friend of yours for a long time.

[7Phoenix7]

He was your friend for 20 years but only recently he has wanted to hang out to watch movies at each other's house. I think that was the start of him pursuing you in a different way and maybe he thought there was a possibility that you liked him too. I don't know, I don't really think a guy would make a habit of inviting a girl he only sees as a platonic buddy to his house to watch movies together. Kind of intimate. You can just go ahead and let him down easily. Be clear that you don't want him like that at all, like be serious. And then he'll probably stop wanting to hangout. I doubt he's still gonna want to be friends lol...

[coachTanthony]

No but I am sure if they are making a move they have some type of feelings which for them they may not want to remain friends.

[Weapon77]

Nope. Actually happened to me at least once. I had an overbearing, overweight redhead as a friend on high school. I very much disliked her at first because she was a teacher's pet, uber-bossy, a bit of a know-it-all, and incredibly loud for no reason. But over time, I learned to accept who she was when we became Academic Bowl teammates. She even started becoming a better person due my influence and that of my female bestfriend (with whom I was in love secretly). Me being smarter than her and being the smartest person she ever met, along with me not being so shy and talking to her more eventually made the red head warm up to me. It probably helped that I was an athlete and reminded her of Clark Kent on Smallville. Anyway, she eventually started hitting on me and wanting to date, and I had to politely decline. I was just honest with her that I was in love with my best friend (who was dating another guy because I dragged my feet), and I couldnt moce past that at the time. She took it fairly well and eventually found a burly viking fella to marry her haha So happy ending. Then there is me who has been single for 7 years lmao My point is that we would never have worked anyway since I wasn't physically attracted to her, and she was still too loud and stubborn for me. I could only take her in small doses. And honestly, I think me being a smartass with anxiety, depression, and anger issues would've pissed her off constantly had she been my girlfriend. We stayed friends, and it's been much better that way, especially since she smokes now, and I can't fucking stand that shit.

[JDavid25]

He definitely was trying to go in.. No doubt about it.. He thought that maybe you were lonely, and he could sneak up on you.. Or maybe that you might feel the same attraction he does for you.. But nah, I'mma cool guy and women don't try to make a move so much as like to be around you and make flirty gestures..

[Pink2000]

Exactly. I knew exactly what he was doing. I’m far from lonely and even if I was I’d never go for him. I have zero attraction towards him and he can’t take a hint. I’ve even described “my type” to him because he has asked me a few times and he’s the total opposite of what I want.

[Jennz6]

Pink, good for you, stay safe and away from him

[JDavid25]

Aw so, he knew you would never fall for him.. But yeah he can't take a hint.. He probably thought that maybe you changed your mind.. Obviously he either had a crush on you for a long time, or he eventually wanted to at least see if he could dig in once..

[Guy13]

You mean my best friend has actually been dating me this whole time inside her head? Opposite sex friends are only friends because something about each of you attracted the other one to you. Why are you surprised if your Bestie is the opposite sex. There is absolutely no mystery as one has benefited from constant attention and another from Girlfriend fantasy. This is the one the main reasons I keep my zipper lock-downed until I know you !! You women with your male best friends are a NO thank you...

[Pink2000]

He’s not my Bestfriend.

[Guy13]

I don't care. 20 years then. Same applies. Avoid the truth why don't ya... that says Volumes.

[Pink2000]

It doesn’t though. We only recently started hanging out more which still isn’t a whole lot

[FinalFantasyBro]

Yes I wouldn't hang out with a female friend of she tried to do anything funny you should tell him how you feeling very uncomfortable. If you still feel really uncomfortable and he doesn't respect your personal boundaries easily cut him out of your life and find a much better friend.

[melanieeeB]

Uhm depends honestly...
a. if I saw him as someone who puts himself in the friendzone, a nicer guy type, maybe a more fragile like ego, I would end the friendship or at least keep some distance for a long time and explain in detail and nicely that this is never going to happen

b. if it would be a fuckboyish type guy or like just a guy with confidence and healthy ego (usually what my male friends are) I would probably laugh, put him on the spot, tell him how I see it and to not try again and tell him to go fuck some of his bitches and just keep the friendship going and end it, if it happens again

[TruthBringer]

The thing is, you rejected him and there are two things that may happen in the future:

1. Either he will repeat his approached.

2. He is going to distance himself.

Either way, if you keep on declining, he will eventually start to develop resentment for the simple fact that you're not reciprocating. This happened to countless other (young) women where their "friendship" didn't last with the guy "friend" who made his intentions clear.

If you want a strict platonic friendship with a guy, then I got bad news for you. It is rare to have that with a guy.

Why it’s almost impossible for men and women to be “just friends”

[NathanDavis]

well, I would just realize that they are not being friends with me...

they might be just pretending to be a friend and have something else in mind, probably always had it too, so if they do not get it and can't nor want to control themselves and understand things when they are as absolutely clear as you said it

the best choice would be for me to just keep a distance

[KostasKouvalis]

If he's not your type, why are you friends with him? There's more to being someone's type then just their looks. Clearly you must at the very least be eachother's types personality-wise, otherwise you wouldn't be friends. You don't need an emotional connection to fuck.

I certainly wouldn't mind if I was single, I don't know how I'd react if I was in a relationship. But there are other ways to make a move on someone besides touching. Though he probably were wouldn't be touching you like that if he wasn't attracted to you in some way, I know because I've touched female co-workers. I probably wouldn't say anything, because I wouldn't wanna hurt their feelings, but if it really bothers you then at least tell him not to put his hands on you

[Pink2000]

He’s not what I want relationship wise and I don’t fuck unless I’m in a relationship.

[KostasKouvalis]

I see

[DoctorSex]

Yea. Infact I don't keep casual female friends around me to make moves on me.. those who are "friends" are more like family and I speak to them twice a month. They're introverts and need very lite interaction apart from advice from a man's point of view.

Kind regards,
DoctorSex

[catiecatie]

I’ve had a couple guy friends make moves on me and I’m being honest but none were my type. Yes we still talk and every now and then we hang out but as a group not one on one. my guy has to be interested in the same things I am interested in. Not everything that I’m interested in my guy has to be though. Like archery. I can teach a guy that and if he’s already into it then it makes it better. But I had to tell one of my guy friends that and I think he now got the hint.

[UniquelyBasic]

If I wasn't interested in them then I would make some boundaries when and how we interact. Let them know upfront what the situation is and that I don't have feelings for them and they can either try to make the friendship work or leave. I would respect either option they choose.

[JPresidente]

Because if you have a male friend (unless he is gay) and you are attractive, at some point, he is going to think about having sex with you. That's just the way guys are. Further, if you reject said guy, you have therefore bruised his ego and he does not want to be around someone who rejected him because he feels humiliated being around you and that would just remind him of the humiliation.

[AdithyaR]

Depends on two things
The way they do it. If they're really creepy or manipulative about it then I'd cut them off.

Secondly if they respect my boundaries, if i decline their move and ask to be friends and they still keep pestering me, then I'd cut them off.

[LiamJHayden]

No. I'd be flattered. If she's a friend it is because I like her as a person, but her relationship goals are not the same as mine. Hers probably include marriage and I have zero interest in that. The simple fact is that she could do better, and I'd make that clear.

[Fromdusktilldawn]

Outch, friendzoned hurt.

You know guys who have female friends have at one point or another checked her out and thought about sex with her or a relationship. Thats just how we are, there is no denial. And guys will try to break out the friendzone, except she is totally not attractive to him

[Agape93]

Depends on how they go about it. If I expressed I'm not interested, they have a disease, a spouse that isn't ok with that or they try via force, yeah, no bueno

[DizzyDesii]

I turn em down so many times but if its still going then yea

[Audiofox]

No, I would let them down as gently as possible and expect them to understand that and then move on. If they couldn’t understand that and just kept trying I would say “we need some space”.

[acooke-13]

I would politely decline and pretend it never happened. I would be flattered that someone is interested, I wouldn't want to terminate our friendship because he likes me, thats ludacris.