I made a mistake. I allowed the connection to become intense too quickly now I can’t back out?

[Explorer91]

I made a mistake. Over the last few months I was really lonely and stressed. I just wanted someone to vent to and listen to me. There was this guy, I knew he kind of liked me. But I just assumed he knew I’d never be with him (I even expressed this from the start). We talked every day for months. I have no romantic or sexual feelings for him at all. So I didn’t realise how dependant he was becoming on me until I started to withdraw.
I realised we can’t be friends (he has extremely almost alarmingly strong feelings for me) and I don’t want to date him. But he won’t even allow the connection to reduce. It is partially my fault because I talked so frequently to him. But he is started to scare me as he has a lot of mental health etc and his mental health has escalated a lot.
I’m trying to find a way to convince him to slowly end this weird friendship and make it feel like it’s his idea too. But if I even hint at this he freaks out. Like really freaks out.
i don’t know how to handle this? Every time I say we can’t be friends. He keeps saying we can we can…and it’s like ah.

[Laura_Marx]

this is probably a problem you'll have for the rest of your life. i have not found any means to control the speed and intensity of relationships forming.

i think you should probably just 'break up' with him. it doesn't sound like he's in a good position to be honest with himself about the nature of your friendship, so he's never going to take the hint. it actually sounds like you tried to do that and were unsuccessful, LOL. i would seriously just say, 'i'm sorry to do this to you, but i don't want to talk any more. stop texting me.' or whatever would make sense. you can't let him negotiate or try to persuade you. make it your last message to him.

if he's someone you have to see irl i understand it's a lot harder to do that, but you could still set firm boundaries. no more talking to me about your feelings, etc. that part of our friendship is over, no ifs no buts, ok? and if he starts again sometime you say, i told you we aren't doing this anymore. and you leave the room. its tough but you just can't people please & conflict avoid your way out of a relationship. you have to say "get lost" sooner or later.

when you say "he has a lot of mental health etc", what does that mean? a lot of my friends have 'a lot of mental health' lol, it doesn't inevitably cause relationship issues.

[Explorer91]

He was prescribed medication that he doesn’t take for schizophrenia. His doctor highly recommends he takes the medication but he won’t because he feels it makes him gain weight.
He also has a lot of trauma that he won’t deal with. He had a family member murdered.
He doesn’t go to counselling or do anything with that pain.
I don’t judge it. I don’t care. I have my issues too. But yea I have no desire to date him. Because he isn’t stable to me. And this scares me sometimes. Especially if we just keep chatting, I’d worry he would get too jealous if I moved on. He said he wouldn’t. But that’s because I’m not dating anyone yet.

[Explorer91]

@Laura_Marx

[Laura_Marx]

i'm schizophrenic too (or i was—schizophrenia is not a lifelong condition) and i have to say i take his side about the medication. no schizophrenic should be taking antipsychotics. weight gain is not the only side-effect; all antipsychotics have severe side effects and they are not very effective at managing the symptoms of schizophrenia. they also appear to prolong the duration of schizophrenic symptoms. we're heading towards a bit of a sea-change right now in the literature re: whether antipsychotics should even be indicated for schizophrenia, but front-line clinicians will not necessarily all know. i've never met another schizophrenic who stuck with their medicine. trust me: you don't know how fucking bad it is.

as for counselling, you don't *have* to get counselling just because you suffered something. i'm from a war-torn country, if i had to get counselling every time a family member got murdered i'd be in debt for the rest of my life, LOL.

so i fit your friends description exactly and i still have healthy relationships. i think you're pretty misinformed in your reasoning about him. i think that rather than him being unstable you probably don't know the right way to handle a schizophrenic or what their needs are. but it doesn't matter, i'm not criticizing you. i asked. if you don't want the relationship you have with him for any reason, even if its a bad reason, the right thing to do is tell the guy to get lost, i still think that!

[Explorer91]

No I guess what I was trying to say is. He isn’t managing his emotions and the way he handles his relationships well. It’s why he has no one to really talk to but me. And therefore, I felt his mental health is putting pressure on our connection.

[Explorer91]

He has other diagnosis too.
My point I was making was he doesn’t deal with his pain. And this pain affects everything.

[Laura_Marx]

yeah, for sure. that's totally real. no matter what we always have to take the first step ourselves, otherwise we end up alienating everyone. that's what i mean when i say that i have his mental health issues but don't have his relationship problems; i've figured out how to be with other people and what i can ask out of them. but the only way you learn that is fucking up a few relationships because you're tunnel-visioning your own needs. if that's case you shouldn't put up with someone too much anyway or they'll never learn the lesson and will never take that step.

[Laura_Marx]

*if that's the case