He was gaslighting me, right? I’m upset by it, am I being dramatic?

[JustinTheGreat]

My husband and I got into a little argument the other day and I think he was straight up gaslighting me 💀

He wanted to have sex one morning and I wasn’t in the mood so I said no. He rolled over, nudged me away when I tried to cuddle, left for work without saying bye or “I love you” back to me. He gets distant like that every time I don’t want to fuck.

I texted him apologizing and he said “you don’t even know what you’re sorry about.” I told him I assumed it was because I said no to sex. He denied that and was saying things along the lines of “you don’t know why I’m upset. You don’t listen. It’s obvious but you always think it’s about something else. “
he refused to tell me what he was actually upset about.

So I went off on him and said “you can man up and tell me what you’re upset about because I’m not playing a guessing game. Until then, I’m gonna continue to assume you’re mad because I didn’t have sex with you and you’re just too embarrassed to admit that”

after that, he all the sudden claims he was never upset at all and I misunderstood his texts that so clearly imply that he WAS upset about something.
When I asked about his behavior (pushing me off, leaving without saying bye), he made excuses like “oh I was just tired. I was in a rush to leave”

we’ve been living together for 7 years. I think I can tell the difference between you acting like you’re in a rush vs acting like you’re upset with me. Especially since you coincidentally act that way every time I say no to sex.

what bothers me about the whole situation is that we had a conversation about this before. I told him I felt bad because he had a higher sex drive than me and I didn’t want to have sex as often as he did. He said it was “completely fine and I didn’t have to say yes if I didn’t want to” but clearly it’s not fine 😭 it’s not like I deny him of sex all the time. I think we fuck a decent amount. I just don’t want to do it every day, multiple times a day, the way that he does.

Updates

1 y

This is also not the first time where I felt like he was gaslighting me. There have been times where I’ve brought up past conversations and he would be like “oh I never said that.” Or he would bring up past arguments and tell me “you said this and that” to make it seem like i was the one in the wrong even though I NEVER said those things. I always thought one of us was just misremembering the situations, but this argument made me realize that he could be doing it on purpose..

Updates

1 y

I’m using this energy from now on 💀
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRs5xvsx/

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Yeah, that sounds like a poor gaslighting attempt, but one nonetheless. Maybe you can pretend to take these “communication issues” seriously though? Suggest the two of you get couple’s counseling to him so that you can learn how to communicate in a way that doesn’t cause the “misunderstanding” that happened that morning again. It’ll be a safe space for you both to vent your frustrations, and also learning how to compromise with each other and learning to deal with those moments that seem to stick with you for so long. And also, honestly? You shouldn’t have apologized for turning him down, first of all you don’t need to feel guilty for putting him in a bad mood where he decided to be petty and make it seem like he didn’t care just because he didn’t get any that morning. Second of all, his gaslighting may have been a bad attempt at trying to make it seem like it didn’t matter because he got over it by the time you texted him, he needs to learn how to handle his feelings better and counseling is a good place to start.

[CateM]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure your husband's gaslighting you. "He wanted to have sex one morning and I wasn’t in the mood so I said no. He rolled over, nudged me away when I tried to cuddle, left for work without saying bye or “I love you” back to me. He gets distant like that every time I don’t want to fuck... He denied that...'you don’t know why I’m upset. You don’t listen. It’s obvious but you always think it’s about something else...'he all the sudden claims he was never upset at all and I misunderstood his texts that so clearly imply that he WAS upset about something..." He's saying things like you don't listen or it's obvious. He also said one thing but later pulled a complete 180 and denied everything. Classic gaslighter move. You're not being dramatic, he's just trying to make you think you are

[NathanDavis]

I think you're both place blockades in the way...

each on their own way... I do not think this is a one sided thing

this is not proper communication... and confrontations always have two sides, especially in relationships

[JustinTheGreat]

Out of curiosity, what do you think I did that contributed to the problem? Just asking so I can become better myself because I know I’m not perfect at communicating either

[NathanDavis]

' I wasn't in the mood so I said no..." sometimes, people do not like a simple and absolute no as an answer, not being in the mood is a very valid reason yes, but the other people can see it as " I am just not interested on getting in the mood" they can see it as closing any remote possibility right away... maybe, it is possible that he is not liking to hear these "just no" if they're happening often

when my partners were not in the mood, I found out about their moods... why, when, how to get them in the mood if possible, and when to definitely not insist about any of that

and, if this rejection leaves the partner with a negatively charged emotion, then yes... for them, it can feel bad for them when you expect the show you affection, right after you rejected their approach first... so maybe he feels upset about this too, that "you might not get it" how difficult it could be for him to be affectionate right after he was rejected

another thing that might not be the best approach is to try and resolve via online or digital... the issues that happen in person, when we text or call... we do miss a lot of body language and signs about how we actually feel, and it can bring even more misunderstandings, so, it is probably best to communicate in person, when both are together

more than looking for who was right and who was wrong... it should be about what to do different so these things do not happen again, instead of going back to the past... and focus on how many times someone wronged us... focus in the future, what do we BOTH have to change in ourselves, to change our situation, for the better

look at what you did wrong first, ask him what he thinks you did wrong first, and try to find a way in which you both can fix or change that, or even adjust things... and then he will have to do the same of course, his not so good ways need adjustment as well

[Gibbons44]

I am 100% straight/hetero, so couldn't tell ya

[Gibbons44]

There are people who will, including by bullying and harm, insist on convincing you your best interest is to placate them so they don't get violent. It's the narcissistic logic - you are only as good as you make me feel good/adored etc.
We waste inordinate amounts of time and huge resources on such people whilst pretending, or having to pretend they are victims, or else...

[Butterflyflyhigh]

No ure not being dramatic, u need evidence to confront gaslight person so he doesn't deny things, I'm not an expert but that's my experience, YES u need a lot of patience to deal with him since u guys re married. Goodluck !

[JustinTheGreat]

I literally sent him the screenshot of the texts where he was saying what he was upset about was “obvious” and he tried to say he was “going along” with acting upset because he knew I was gonna be bothering him about it anyways. Like huh? 😭

[Butterflyflyhigh]

Yes that's happened too to me, give u n him some times, then talk again after everyone calm, but must end up with an "agreement" with win win solutions so it won't happen again, tell him how u feel, focus/explain on how u feel with his behaviour, not what he did (i hope u don't get confused of what i meant 😅)