How come my male friends ignore me even the gay one after I was raped?

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

I heard it’s because when people have good things in their life they don’t want someone that’s been through truama that has problems around them … I don’t know.. they didn’t cut me off but they have shown a lot of distance

[MrOracle]

You probably already know that men are problem solvers by nature, but you may not realize just how deep that goes. Men don't normally "deal" with their (negative) emotions directly - we don't have any desire to talk about them or "share" - instead, we handle those negative emotions and feelings by solving the problem that is creating the feelings.

If we are broke, we work more hours or work to get a better job. If we are out of shape, we work out. If we are bad at a sport, we practice, usually with someone who is better than us, so we are forced to improve. If our roof is leaking, or the toilet is clogged, or the car is broken, we get our tools and we fix it. And then, the thing that is causing our anger or stress or whatever is gone, and we feel better.

But this does not equip us for those relatively rare problems for which there is simply no fix. There is no action we can take to feel better about a divorce or a death of a loved one, and there is no action that we can take to help a friend who was raped. We lack the language and the experience to offer any solution - and all we understand are solutions, because that's what works for us.

Thus, men in these situations feel completely out of our element, with nothing to offer to help solve the problem, and that makes us feel useless and helpless - and so most men will avoid being in that situation because they would feel exposed as useless. It's not that they don't want to be there for you, it's that they have NO IDEA how to help you, and they feel useless and even ashamed of themselves.

Again, we struggle with the idea that talking about it, or just being there, might help, because those things don't help us, and we don't understand why they would help you. That doesn't compute for most men.

I don't know your guy friends, and maybe they are just selfish assholes, but I suspect it's more likely that they are feeling useless and helpless as I've described above, and don't want to disappoint you further by being useless.

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

All I did was change the subject with one of them and we are back getting on like a house on fire! He did walk right past me when he seen me in person and look at me very concerned from a distance but I believe he just wasn’t sure what to do he’s only 20 and hasn’t been my friend for long. The other guy I just let him go as he was my friend for years and I get a bad gut feeling here before all this he was trying to date me and I had to keep rejecting him over and over. Now radio silence. Very telling.

[MrOracle]

Right. Your friends WANT to be there for you, but they don't know how to be. When you were able to change the subject, things go right back to how they were before.

It's okay for you to tell them that you don't expect them to DO anything, but you might appreciate if (some of them) would just listen if you want to talk about it, and just to know that they support you. Let them know that you don't expect any "solutions" from them - just some moral support - and you'll be amazed at how fast they're with you.

[Lliam]

That is so screwed up, Bekaaaaaaaahhhh. I'm horrified that you got raped. I can't imagine why friends would ignore you after they found out. I'd be there for you, to be a sympathetic ear. There is obviously nothing else that I could do. But ignoring you and making you feel alone and unloved must be extremely hurtful.

[Aerissa_Jade]

Often they don't know what to say or how to help. As a rape victim myself I am sorry for what you went through but I volunteer at the rape crisis center to help others and support them.

Family is often supportive but friends, not always. Sometimes male friends fear that you changed your mind after the fact and want to steer clear to be safe. Women who know you, if you have a bit of a wild side might think you weren't really attacked.

Then throw into the mix, if people know the one who raped you, now they are like, no way there is no way that guy would of done that I don't believe her.

Only you and your attacker know the whole story and as such others only have bits and pieces.

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

Oh they definitely do not know the man I don’t even know the man. I am sorry you have experienced something so vile also and I think the fact you voluntary work is amazing I’m sure you help lots of woman. I mean all I wanted was to be distracted to talk about funny things and keep our friendships as they where. They could’ve been honest and told me they need space / are struggling on what to say I would never have judged them. Sadly I’ve had to support friends and sometimes all I could do is offer a shoulder to cry on and express my own discomfort that it happened to them. I guess if they have never been in that situation before they wouldn’t know what to say. But avoiding me did hurt. Maybe time to not take it personal

[MrCommodore]

Thats shocking, usually real friends will rally support.

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

Yeah one of the guys the gay one even walked right past me when he seen me in person, he speaks normal as we used to if I change the subject but that’s it. Do you think he thinks it’s my fault or something

[MrCommodore]

Not sure, I suspect your male friends might all have an interest in your love life, as in a few of them fancy you. Bit not sure about the gay fella.

Are you ok dating again since then?

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

It’s early days it’s only been two weeks I’ve been trying to take my time set better boundaries. The gay guy shown signs of liking me before. Would they avoid me if they think oh I like her and she’s been through that I should give her space I doubt she trusts men right now……

[MrCommodore]

Yeah its possible they were giving you space, considering what happened. Are any of these guys relationship material? Like you made it clear you get lots of male attention, but are many of those genuine or do you just want fun?

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

I think they might think I’m traumatised and won’t trust them but I trust them! I am still going on dates in just not trusting any new man being one on one. It will take a few dates for that maybe 3/4 but that’s how it should be I had no business going to guys houses on the first date!

[MrCommodore]

Don't be too hard on yourself about goingto a guys house, you're young and you get over it eventually.
You seem more UK/Ireland than US, can't explain it.

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

I am from the UK you are right about that! Haha I would have to agree I probably seem that way, as in more UK than US. I do think there’s a difference between the two!

[MrCommodore]

You're profile says your from US, but I got a vibe that You're from closer to home 😊, I'm from Northern Ireland.
Strange that you wonder about the gay friend liking you, maybe he is Bi?

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

Oh I’m not sure why it says that but yeah I do live here in the UK! Scotland. And yeah he told me he was 50/50 once. Bi curious maybe, haha who knows I just accept friendship!

[MrCommodore]

Cool, so you're not far from here. Maybe he does like you in that case 🤔

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

I mean he paid for my stuff said I was the perfect size and height, offered to buy me food said I was really pretty and he’s so happy we met we gotten along so well and he’d take me a drive anytime I like he even shown me topless photos of himself

[MrCommodore]

Ordinarily I'd say he was mad about you based on what you just said, but hearing he is gay puts it in doubt, unless he really is Bisexual.

[Anonymous]

I ignored a friend who been raped but the moment her mother gave me a name
I was on his trail and within short order had a cable around his throat, he pissed himself before I could do much else and simply said next time I hear your name, I'll be creating an obituary

[genericname85]

well your friends didn't change did they? but maybe you did. maybe you've been changed by your trauma and that's why they spend less time with you. cause you're not the same you've been. are you in therapy by the way?

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

I mean I haven’t seen them in person since it’s happened it’s only been 10 days but they have went ghost completely.. maybe they don’t know how to support me. But it hurts they ignore me when I need a friend the most. and not in therapy yet.

[genericname85]

yeah i think they don't know how to support you. it's not a simple thing... so maybe cut your friends some slack. so you're waiting for therapy. but you're gonna get therapy for sure? i hope so. that's very important.

how do your friends ignore you exactly? do they just leave you on read?

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

Like when I told him what happened he just said he was shocked and i told him please be safe and he said he’s never been spiked and then I explained how I was confused and had been with the police all day that day and the previous day and he just said cctv would be their best bet and I never heard from him again he didn’t even open my message and avoided me in person. I did comment on his photo and he replied positively…. My other friend (guy that was present the night of the attack) just blantantly keeps leaving me on read, replying very few and far between

[genericname85]

so did you say something like "hey can we talk?" i think they are just trying to be careful to not mess you up.

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

i changed the subject with one and we are getting on like a house on fire as usual the other i just let him go as he was asked to be a witness as he was there that night and all he could think about is the fact the cops came to his house he cared more about that than what happened to me plus he kept deleting messages to me and retyping them

[genericname85]

you're expecting too much. people don't know how to treat a rape victim properly. they don't know what you need.

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

I was their friend before I was a rape victim. I’m expecting too much for expecting my friends to be here for me? Maybe. One friend was, and she was really helpful.

[genericname85]

you're expecting them to know how to deal with it. that's too much.

[genericname85]

at last you have some that can help :) good then

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

Cause they are men? My female friends have been supportive

[genericname85]

i can't tell you that.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

It's too heavy for some people. Accept it, that's the way it is.

[BCA6010]

More than likely, they simply don't know what to say, or are afraid to say anything.

[Bklynbadboy12]

That's not true I'm always there for my friends and if they ignored you after you was raped there not good friends

[Alex8736]

with friends like that who needs enemies. Real friends should be non-judgemental and supportive

[Guardian45]

Rape is a HUGE issue that requires self-contemplation, grieving, and reimaging oneself. No one else can do that for you, regardless of who they are.

[Jackblue]

We hear things like that women who are raped don't want to be around men.

[gorydetails]

maybe they aren't sure what to do and trying to give you space.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is, they don't want the drama. But perhaps they think it is your fault

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

They didn’t know the whole story though

[Anonymous]

What should we do then?
ATTENTION SEEKER ALERT!!!

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

If you hate me that much just block me then you don’t have to see my posts it’s really simple

[Lliam]

Mr. Anonymous is a cowardly cretin.

[Opinion Owner]

@Lliam LOL Look what the cat dragged in ! You drooling over her legs came to rescue. Shame on you.

[Lliam]

Eat dick, troll boy.

[Opinion Owner]

@Lliam Thats your job buddy,. Your history of Questions proves it. Asshole!

[Lliam]

Says the anonymous bully.

[Opinion Owner]

@Lliam then you better stay away.

[Lliam]

At least I don't hide behind anonymity.

[Opinion Owner]

Careful it's not good to have broke bones in your age. You better stick to drooling over this idiot.

[Lliam]

Is that supposed to frighten me, coward? I suspect that your bravado is limited to bullying girls from your mom's basement.

[Anonymous]

In case they falsely accuse them too

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

He was not falsely accused? Why the hell am I going to accuse them they’re my friends

[Opinion Owner]

They dont know that. All they have is your word.

[Jackblue]

You assume that she is making a false accusation, you are a real dick man.

[Mamasanma]

@Jackblue you are a pervert and a dick

[Jackblue]

@Mamasanma Well I am sorry you feel that way.

[motownplayer2000]

How did the rape happen?

[TheGuyYouCrave]

Where did you hear that?