Old guy forced me to hug him and he said he's harmless?

[Anonymous]

I've been going to this church for a year. I've made friends with the women but never really gone out of my way to talk to the men... For a reason. All the men in my church are well over 65 years old.

So at the end of service these two older men started talking to me and it was a nice conversation. One of them was alive during WWII and the other is 79 years old. At the end of our 30 minute conversation, I told them I was leaving and I shook the WWII guys hand.

The other one which I tried to shake his hand, he said to me that he's harmless, he's 79 and he prefers hugs. Then he proceeded to force me into a hug which I pulled back away from and resisted and he put some strength into forcing me into hugging him.

It was really awkward. I feel like a normal person would have stopped and known (especially feel it by them pulling away) that this person doesn't want to hug them. I know he said he's harmless but just the fact that he forced me to hug him is rubbing me the wrong way.

I should have used my words but I froze up for some reason. Anyway do you still think maybe he is harmless and he's just really bad at reading body language or he's probably another freaking dirty old man. It seems like my church has a lot of dirty old men.

[SamA_nold]

Maybe he is harmless in the way that he lacks the strength to physically harm you at his age, but a person truly interested in your well-being and having good intentions would have asked before hugging you, and/or recognized that pulling away was a sign that you were not interested. By forcing you into a hug, with you rather clearly trying to pull away and expressing discomfort, he ignored your wants, deemed your consent unimportant or irrelevant, and put his own desires above you. I wouldn't call that harmless, and I would let someone you trust know about what he did.

Churches tend to be hotspots for perverts and pedophiles, and they are often protected by those agencies, so reporting the incident may not do anything positive for you. It may even cause more harm than good. Perhaps re-evaluate whether this is a safe environment for you, and look at other options that would be safer. If that's not an option, take a friend with you, or keep your distance from the man who is causing you issues and note any further incidents.

[Asker]

I don't know why but this always happens to me. I had a different older man act like this but in a different way where he was rubbing my back and he wouldn't stop. I told the priest at my church about the back rubbing and he didn't want to do anything about it, he felt too uncomfortable. But there is another older guy that I do hug, but he did ask me first and I said ok. So I do see your point that the 79 year old didn't ask for permission first. I didn't tell him no, so I think next time I'll say I actually prefer handshakes.

[Jamie05rhs]

Men of that generation don't understand or believe in boundaries. (It wasn't a thing back then in their day.)

Still, I don't think you should give him a pass. You should report him to the minister.

[Asker]

This was a first offense. I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill. And also I know the priest at my church really doesn't want to do anything. I would have to force him to do something and I really don't want to experience that.

[Asker]

In my church men are number 1 and women are treated like how used to be treated years ago. It does feel like when you step inside the church you are going back 70 years.

[Jamie05rhs]

It may be the first offense with you, but he has probably done it to other women. It would be good to report it regardless. That way you have it on record.

[Jamie05rhs]

There was another girl on this website (GAG) earlier who was telling a similar story about that happening to her. So apparently it's more common than you'd think.
(Unless that was you.)

[Asker]

That was me. I haven't seen that back rubber since last year so I haven't had the chance to put him in his place. My new years resolution is standing up for myself lol 😶

[Jamie05rhs]

Oh no. 😯. Are you saying there were 2 different men?

And I like your resolution! That's GREAT! 😀

[Asker]

Yes two different men. This is a new one. Hopefully they're the last ones. I was telling my church friend about it, she's a nice older lady. She told me not to sit with the men and try to only be around women. I told her that they came up to me, they started talking to me. It's not like I'm seeking out these old dudes.

I feel kind of bad though because I've made friends at this church and now I'm thinking about leaving because of dirty old men ruining it for me and also the priest kind of lost some of my respect by not really wanting to do anything.

When I told him about the back rubber he said that it's probably never going to happen again and the old man didn't mean anything by it and he overall seemed so uncomfortable like the priest didn't want to say anything. He also said that he's going to have to tell him that I brought it to his attention like he won't be able to keep my identity hidden if the guy asks who complained about him.

In thinking about changing churches though. There is a church that is further away, it'll be a drive but hopefully it's better.

[Jamie05rhs]

Aw. I'm sorry that keeps happening. That's really frustrating. Especially since you like the church.
But yeah, that priest is not doing their job correctly. And it's highly inappropriate for him to disclose your name to the offender.

I think that if you want to change churches then that is perfectly okay. :)

[Jamie05rhs]

Thanks for the MHO. ❤️

[abc3643]

Yep, dirty old man. Even I recognize that behavior as inappropriate.
Where do you live, if you don't mind my asking? (State or Province is fine.)

[Asker]

Colorado

[Asker]

Do you think the wwII guy is also a dirty old man? Because the 79 year old did that to me in front of him. Not that I expect him to come to my rescue, but I could tell he didn't find it weird, unless he just has a really good poker face.

[abc3643]

I am not sure.

[slatyb]

That's disgusting. Avoid him in the future.