I asked him to be friends with benefits, and he got mad, why?

[Anonymous]

I’ve had a friend at work for 8 years. He flirted with me when we first became friends, and I shut it down back then. He is 54, I’m 44. Everything was fine, until recently when I’ve started to like him as a little more than a friend. Last week, he asked me if I ever wanted to hang out in our spare time and I said I would like to, but only for sex.
He got mad and said that we weren’t looking for the same thing, he doesn’t want to live with anybody… then ended the conversation. I am so confused. I am even more confused about how he got things so confused. I only want a temporary fling. I thought he would be happy, but it seems to have ruined our friendship. Please share any insight, advice, or similar experience. Thank you🙏

[SteveSmith1985]

Unless I'm missing something... I can tell you exactly what happened here.

Your friend likes you. He does not want a fling. He does not want to be with you only for sex. He actually likes you, and wants a real actual relationship with you. So you say "I like you"... he then "asks if you want to hang-out" as in... as more than friends.

And you turn around and say "sure, but only for sex."

Do you see, how... in this case saying that would be about the worse way to be rejected? That would hurt-like hell. That is the last thing he'd want to hear from you if he actually likes you.

You become friends with bennefits with someone you SPECIFICALLY do not have romantic feelings for. You become friends with benefits with someone, who you are so dead-sure that you WON'T DEVELOP romantic feelings for. Its a person that you can have sex with... and STILL not have to worry you might develop feelings for that person, despite sharing such an intimate experience.

It is the ultimate "I have zero romantic interest in you"

That is what happened. He is mad because he's hurt. He feels hurt, and also foolish for evidently misinterpreting this whole situation. He thought you actually meant you liked him. You told him in the clearest possible way that you do not. In a way... it's even more of a "no" than if you had literally said "no."

If you had said "no" then... well... maybe... who the hell knows... down the road... maybe things change... and... you never know what might happen a couple years from now.

Saying what you said was more like "Don't worry, you're literally the last person I could ever have romantic feelings for. I care about you. I genuinely value our friendship... but wow I can't even imagine a universe in which I could actually have romantic feelings for you."

I could very well be misreading this situation, if there's more going on here than what you included. But if not, this seems so so obvious to me. If what I just said at all fits with the facts. Then this is what happened, and why. 🙂

[Asker]

Wow, that really cuts straight to the heart of it! The details I didn’t say were that he’s going through a divorce, I’m a single parent and I just don’t have time to date right now. I told him it was bad timing, but I still wanted to help him out with a rebound.
I would be willing to date him seriously under different circumstances. I was hoping to keep the fling short so we didn’t get too attached.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well if I'm correct in my reading of this, then this guy does not want a fling with you. He is already attached. So he is going to be disappointed that you aren't in a position to date him right now. But that's way way better than offering a fling or "wanting to help him out with a rebound" (and good-god please tell me you didn't ever actually say those words to this man...).

If I'm reading this right, this man is interested in dating you seriously. And ONLY in dating you seriously.

If you would be willing to date him seriously under different circumstances, then explain that to him. But do not offer anything BUT to date him seriously. He does not want to have meaningless sex with you. That's the last thing he wants. So, look at this guy as an "all-or-nothing" when it comes to his being serious about things. That is all he wants, that is all you should address.

But since you aren't looking to date him seriously right now, that's what you need to explain to him. You can't really... unsay what you said. But you can walk-it-back for the purposes of moving forward.

You need to just throw-out all options aside from the "dating seriously" option. Talk about the fact that you can't do that right now, but (basically) that he is someone you WOULD be willing to date under different circumstances. (and you can just say "date" when talking to him. The "seriously" part is automatically implied. That is all he thinks you're talking about when you say "date."

Take all the other options off the table aside from "date seriously" and proceed to fix this by talking according to your judgement. That is what you should do. Just be open and honest about where you're coming from. That's all you can do. Just..."serious, or nothing" those are the only things this guy wants from you beyond friendship. Keep that in mind, and you're all good. 🙂

[Asker]

Oh no, I didn’t say “help him out with a rebound”, or even the word “fling”, but he did say that he’s not interested in getting married or living with anyone again, and I feel the same way. That’s why I thought friends with benefits would be the best option. I know most men want their freedom after divorce and the last thing they want is to get back into a serious relationship, and I would never assume I was the exception to the rule.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well, like I've said from the begining, its possible I'm missing something in the nature of what's going on here. But the only reason I can imagine for a recently divorced friend to be mad at your suggestion that you be friends with benefits is this reason. Because, if he DIDN"T like you in a serious way, then what you're saying would all be the right way to look at things. If he really did just see you as a friend, but not in a serious romantic way, then I don't see why he would possibly be upset by your offer of friends with benefits. In most cases, it would be just fine. It might indeed be a "fling" that meant nothing, and you would be helping him out with a rebound, at least so far as sex was concerned. If he only saw you as a friend... that's no problem to have offered that. Even if he wasn't interested in friends with benefits for any reason ASIDE from the one I've attributed to him... he certainly wouldn't be offended or mad that you had offered.

Although, I think in general, what you say about recently divorced guys is true. At least immidiately after a divorce. But the only way I can possibly explan this, is to assume he is looking at you as someone he is interested in, in a serious way. And when I DO assume that, then this situation seems to make perfect sense.

[SteveSmith1985]

So its not that what you said was inapropriate for the general situation. It would be just fine in every case BUT one in which he really did like you in a serious way. So it's not like you did something wrong... like you should have "known better." Not at all. You aren't wrong in your thinking. EXCEPT in the case of a guy who happens to be looking at you in a serious way.

It was more... an unfortunate miscommunication when you both talked about liking each other. You simply had different things in mind. It's nobody's "fault." It's just an unfortunate misunderstanding.

And again, I could be wrong. I am trying to talk about two people I don't know, in a situation I know only the bare-bones about. If what I'm saying doesn't seem to fit the situation on-the-ground, then It's entirely possible I'm wrong.

[Asker]

I appreciate your views. The thing that annoys me the most, is that he invited me to hang out “as friends” and I assumed he meant more of a “Netflix and chill” scenario so I ran with it. Then he doubled down on “hanging out as friends only, not a date or anything romantic but strictly as friends” and I felt like he was gaslighting. No man, since I was 15 years old, has ever asked me to hang out “as friends” or in any other way, and not had an ulterior motive, unless they were gay. The bottom line is, I’m not sure I even want to be friends with him any more after all this drama.

[SteveSmith1985]

Hmm, well if he was extra specific about wanting to hang-out as friends, and even doubled-down on it (recently I assume)...

Then perhaps I'm not correct in my reasoning overall here. Because if a guy does that... he means it. I don't think he was gaslighting you. I think it's way more likely that I'm just wrong about him wanting to date you in a serious way.

If he did want to date you in a serious way, he would not have twice specified "as friends." There's no way. So since he did, then it's fair to say that he is not mad because he wants to date you seriously. That would make no sense. He would have only himself to blame if he went out of his way to tell you "as friends" when he wanted a serious relationship. Nobody would ever do that. It doesn't even add-up.

So, is there any chance he was offended because of the offer of sex in light of his being so clear he didn't want sex from you? (the "just friends" reiteration).

You can hang out as friends with a man. It depends on how you know him and your relationship. But if you've been work friends for 8 years... and he specified specifically "as friends" then... you should take a guy at his word on that. Guys mean that when they go out of their way to reiterate its as friends (and they're fucking slimeballs if they make any move on you after saying that).

[SteveSmith1985]

I re-read your original post. And I noticed you mentioned that he SAID "I don't want to live with anybody" or something similar when he was reacting to your offer of friends with benefits. That's weird. Why would he say or think that?

This is also making me lean towards..."is he just super-offended because he genuinely wants your friendship, and is upset that you tried to introduce a sexual element into things?"

I don't know. But how has he been for the last 8 years? Is he flirty? Are you guys just solid buddies? Or what's the dynamic like?

Also, don't just not be friends with the guy. If anything, force a conversation. You can be like "What the fuck man? What exactly are you so mad about here? What did I do that was wrong? I don't understand why you're mad. So what exactly did I do?"

Definitely attempt that conversation before walking out completely.

[Asker]

I think he thought I was coming on too strong, and possibly was trying to trick him into a traditional relationship.
Way back when we first became friends, he confessed to having a crush on me for a long time, and tried to kiss me. I said I wouldn’t get involved with a married man. After that, there was nothing flirtatious, we were strictly friends. He was also drunk when he confessed his feelings back then, and he quit drinking soon after. He said he didn’t remember trying to kiss me due to being drunk. He may have been blackout drunk, who knows.
We haven’t had a chance to talk since, but I wanted things to calm down first.

[FilmGuy93]

So, this is a pretty straight forward read, unless there's something more that I don't know.

The spark notes version is basically that your friend likes/liked you as more than a friend, but you have now shut him down multiple times and made him feel like you don't particularly like being around him.

When you said that you only want to hangout if it leads to sex, you may as well have said "I don't want to be around you, unless you're pleasuring me," which is the nightmare friends with benefits arrangement that leaves everyone feeling empty.

[Asker]

I shut down the flirting in the beginning because he was married back then. It’s not that I didn’t like him, I just didn’t want to have an affair with him.

[FilmGuy93]

Gotcha. That context changes things a little bit, but not really. The friends with benefits arrangement you proposed is universally regarded as the shittiest, "you're totally getting used here" type. Gotta be careful about your word choice.

[Asker]

I assumed having a drama-free friends with benefits was the holy grail for men. That’s why I was confused.

[FilmGuy93]

It is kind of the holy grail for men, but the way you phrased things doesn't sound like that's what you had in mind.

When guys talk about the drama-free friends with benefits, they're talking about genuine friendship that has a sexual component. I know that I love the idea of having sex with my female friends, but I still want us to do things together. She's still my homie, you know? What you said makes it sound like you don't want deal with him outside the context of having sex, which is more like a warm sex toy arrangement than a friend you have sex with.

[NotTacocaT6969]

He’s 54, you’re 44 and you thought the cum-guzzling sewer-slut method would work on him?

[Asker]

Work on him how? I’m not looking for a relationship. It’s ok for men to want sex and flings, but not for women?

[NotTacocaT6969]

It’s only ok to people who WANT that.

Clearly he is not one of those people who likes slutty behavior and actually wants a meaningful relationship instead of a replaceable piece of pussy.

Move on and find yourself a man who only values your vagina instead of one who would value you.

[Asker]

I have not had sex in 3 years. Not sure how that makes me a slut. He was hitting on me while still married, do you have judgements for that behavior?

[NotTacocaT6969]

Hitting on someone and propositioning them for sex are two completely different things.

He hit on you and you propositioned him for sex.

You may not be a slut, but that behavior was slutty, especially through the eyes of someone who wanted something serious.

If not slutty, what would you call trying to have sex with people with no strings attached?

[Asker]

You’re still young. When you get divorced, (if you’re not already,) you might only then understand that people who get divorced a lot of times don’t want to risk getting hurt again, so they prefer more casual relationships. Just because it’s casual or short term, doesn’t mean it can’t be monogamous, if that’s your hang up.

[NotTacocaT6969]

I have no hangup, I’m just trying to explain the perspective that got you rejected.

The opportunity has been blown and there is no going back

[OfMiceandMen]

Not sure, he seems to be all over the map. The only conclusion I can come to is, after thinking about it, he did not want to jeopardize your friendship.

[humanearth]

He either wants a wife or a friend.

He don't want a fuck buddy

[Anonymous]

It's pointless you wouldn't get it anyhow. Suffice it to say he isn't your toy.