Why do some men get interested after you totally lose the interest in them?

Question

5 months after break up, when I thought I turned asexual, because there seemed to be no man to awaken any tiny attraction in me, I made a Dating Profile just to see if I could find anyone attractive to me there or was I doomed to stay indifferent.

I was thinking that after my ex there was no way to be attracted to anyone.

I saw one profile & thought, “This one is very sexy. This one matches the attractiveness of my ex.” I just wanted to prove myself, I didn’t lose the sexiest man in the world and that there was at least one more man who could be at the same level of attractiveness as him.

We matched and we have messaged and swapped contacts.

He messaged me occasionally. Around that time I got a new friend and we started clubbing, she was helping me to get over my ex.

In clubs, we were often taken photographs and posted in local articles and this guy from the dating app often messaged me, “hey I saw your picture here and there” and he would send pictures of me and my friend.

But other than that he wasn’t very attentive and messaged me every once in a while, at some point we talked about lots of different things but I figured he was one of the guys who are too full with themselves and just not my type. I stopped clubbing soon and I stopped responding to the messages of this guy totally.

A few months has passed and he has been messaging me the morning and night, also telling me what’s the weather going to be the next day, asking me about my day and updating me about the news of his days. Sending me some subtly romantic messages.

He is indeed exceptionally good looking but I kinda lost interest, he asked me out on a date next Monday as well and has been messaging me non-stop but I wonder why not before? Why now?

I don’t feel slightest interest now. Only reason I said “yes” to a date was that I want to finally beat my dating anxiety.

I always turned down the dinner offers by guys I liked the most because I was scared I’d not do well enough.

Updates

10 mo

I have dated and I think I partially overcame the fear, but this will be my last “test”, to have a date with someone I find extremely attractive, I want to prove myself I feel confident and no longer afraid of not being good enough for any men.

I am moving away two weeks later and most likely I won’t see him again. (He doesn’t know about it.)

I just wonder, why do men get interested when you totally lose interest?

Updates

10 mo

Okay… I have a date tomorrow but I seem to can’t sleep and I don’t want to go there with dark under eyes , he’s messaged he is looking forward to seeing me and the date has been set up 7 days ago. Is it okay if I move the date to Tuesday?

I think I have an anxiety about meeting him and that’s why I can’t sleep.

dynamicyandere · Accepted Answer

It’s a phenomenon for both men and women to be drawn to something they “can’t” have.

This is why being or playing “hard to get” seems to be pretty affective on most men and women.

It creates an illusion that the one who is being or playing hard to get is of higher value, or a greater prize.

What kind of person would be so unaffected or dismissive of a suitors, unless they were “out of their league” right?

This can position a man or a woman as a elusive and valuable prize that will be a challenge to please.

By winning this person over, not only will one overcome a challenge and win a prize, but what will it say about themselves, being able to successfully woo someone who was “out of their league”?

It will feed their ego.

The downside to this, is that to keep such a person interested, the one being or playing hard to get needs to sustain that dynamic to sustain their suitor’s attraction.

Knowing about this phenomenon, I completely opt out and step off the hamster wheel.

Other people may have their strings pulled by such dating strategies, but I refuse to participate.

When someone is playing hard to get with me, if they are playing these “mind games” as I call them, they’ll lose my interest.

Because I look past all that.

For me, it’s all about chemistry.

If we are truly attracted to each other and compatible with each other, neither of us should be “hard to get” when it comes to each other. Maybe to other people. But to each other, two perfectly compatible people should be naturally drawn to each other.

When women are interested in me, and showing their attraction to me, I value authenticity and sincerity.

They don’t need to be afraid of showing their feelings or trying to play “hard to get” because I understand that game and I don’t want to play it.

If they’re interested, I don’t want them to pretend they’re not. And if I’m not interested, I’m not pretending or playing hard to get. I really am not interested.

Funny thing is, my significant other almost f*cked up when we haven’t started dating yet and we’re in the flirting stage. We had great initial chemistry. Then she tried to play “hard to get” and my attraction to her immediately dropped because I sensed inauthenticity. She self-corrected, acted as her self again, and things got back on track. We’ve now been together for over 4 years.

Also, if you really think about it. If someone is being 100% authentic and sincere, and they are 100% genuinely BEING hard to get by showing little to no interest. It’s a compatibility issue isn’t it?

If I’m showing no signs of interest, I really am not interested. Which means the chemistry just isn’t there, which means it’s a bad fit.

5’s are drawn to 10’s and 10’s are drawn to other 10’s. It’s normal for 10’s to reject 5’s. So 5’s sometimes pretend to be 10’s by playing “hard to get”. Which can work on most people who are less than a 10.

(With those numbers, I’m not talking pure looks by the way. It was an example to illustrate subjective value, in a relationship context.)

So that’s how that works.

Yet so many people get duped by this psychological phenomenon all the time.

I personally like to make sober-minded dating decisions, and I don’t appreciate my strings being pulled, so when I see strings, I opt out of participating.

No games. No leagues. To tests.

Do we click or do we not? That is the question.

Its gotta be authentic chemistry or nothing at all.

To each their own though. 🥂

zeitgeist057 · Accepted Answer

This happens and when it does, in monogamous culture I assume it is because someone else has their "main focus" and you are a "side bet".

I was texting with a woman for a while just kind of similar to you and your guy here, just some here and there nonchalant stuff. Kind of getting to know each other. But she didn't respond to a text I sent and I didn't send more, so our conversation stopped. I didn't think anything of it really, that happens. But then a few days ago, she texted me out of nowhere. Not sure how long it has been, maybe a few weeks or even a few months? Like I said, I haven't really thought much about it. But I responded to her recent text and we have been texting fairly frequently and had a couple phone conversations as well.

My assumption? She met someone, stopped talking to me. Then she stopped seeing that person and remembered me and wanted to pick up where she left off. Being as I'm polyamorous, I don't really have hurt feelings or anything about it, I understand. She's hundreds of miles away, anyway. I don't know if your guy is monogamous, but that's by far the common standard so fairly safe to assume. At that, I would say he probably has somewhere between 5-25 women that float around in his attention as possible romantic prospects and his attention was on someone else previously, now it is more focused on you. Perhaps also still on a few others as well. The more you engage and are engaging, the more focus will continue to be on you.

This also works for you, as he's not the only guy you've had some remote or keen interest in floating in your periphery. There was a bell boy at the apartment complex, not too far back, right? So it's normal. It just so happens he is floating out of your interest as you were floating back into his.

Why do some men get interested after you totally lose the interest in them?

noemiii · Accepted Answer

This isn’t just a man’s thing, in fact women do this A LOT more. Also in fact, it’s a common human trait to value things that don’t come easy to you or that you don’t have anymore, but in dating, women notably do this more often.
He sounds unreliable as a partner in general. It’s not a man’s thing to do this mostly, in fact, most men are incredibly readable. If they like you you’ll know, if they don’t, you’ll know. I wouldn’t talk to a man like that, it’s either that he’s used to women chasing him so he puts in little effort, or he likes to give the bare minimum to keep you on the hook.

Xoxocutekitty · Accepted Answer

In the beginning phases of dating, men work with whichever female responds to them (not necessarily the one they want the most).

The fact that You were talking before already gives him an "in", whereas you are more likely to respond than a random female on the internet. It's probable he's tried texting other women to a minimal yield rate and now he's trying with you again.

Personally, if I lost interest the first time, I would cut the guy lose because I want someone who can maintain my interest, not flip it on and off like a light switch.

ImHere22 · Answer

Some guys are excited for the pursuit and like stress in their lives, so they make things difficult and then when you've left, they finally change gears and begin attempting to 'win' you.

It's weird and I personally don't understand it- oftentimes those guys seem pretty controlling and fragile, so in the long-run, not the best candidates for life partners...

glennos89 · Answer

I think the biggest problem you have is comparing everyone to your ex who you obviously are still attracted to. If you can't let go of the past... You are simply not ready for the future when it comes to dating

Billlewis · Answer

A beautiful woman who rejects a guy often becomes more attractive to him, because now, he knows that he has far less likelihood of being intimate with her, which is what many guys, myself included, prefer.

razelove · Answer

It's the same as why women are interested in unavailable men, those who've rejected them, married men, so on and so forth. We're taught to desire the most unobtainable rather than the most realistic things in life.

molonski2 · Answer

Ohh , I think that's quite fine , ebs and flows , probably thought you were doing other things when clubbing , never cut things off , and then came back.

That's life right? That's how things roll , timing is everything. Just enjoy the date and forget the anxiety and be yourself , plus ask yourself " Did the timeframe really matter?"

I think not = enjoy.

petitedollbabee · Answer

People want what they “can’t” have. It applies to both men and women. If something seems out of reach or very hard to get, it adds to the challenge and can make some people want it even more.

SolitarySolace · Answer

Because you gave them a taste of what it would be like to have someone they want and suddenly snatched that away from them? Or in terms of exes, they don’t know how to move on from something they felt so strongly for. Luckily for me after being alone for almost 9 years I think I could easily walk away and not look back. I like my me time far more than Time spent with a woman.

AviatorTom · Answer

Sometimes, we guys like to be challenged. If it's too easy, we might lose interest. But if it gets harder, then maybe we'll show more interest.

Andres77 · Answer

You don’t know what you got till it’s gone.

mommymommymommy · Answer

we like what we can't have SOUND FAMILIAR, GIRLS?

Shy_Steve · Answer

These all sound like your own issues, Not Certain Men.

justabuddy · Answer

Because it seems more valuable once its walking away.

Anonymous · Answer

Meh for some reason he just seems desperate, nothing more, being attractive is never enough

Sweetsurprize · Answer

Cuz they're immature. End of story.

Flower7 · Answer

They want what they can’t have.

monghjay2 · Answer

you are coping

Christoff92 · Answer

Puppy love

Anonymous · Answer

For the same reason women do.

EaterPeter · Answer

We are slow 🐌 pokes

Deserter · Answer

That's everyone

Why do some men get interested after you totally lose the interest in them?

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