My boyfriend compares me to his ex?

[Anonymous]

I want to understand... So I was upset and he asked me if its smth wrong with him or us.

I said no, its just family issues. He said that if i have problem with him i should tell, i answered that it wasn't about him and why he even thinks that way.

He said his ex would get angry at him and never explain whats wrong and she was manipulative and mean to him.

I said :"we date for 2 years and you still compare me to her or what? Im different, Im another person i think you should know it by now"

He said:" i know you are different, thats why im with you. I couldnt date someone who is like her"

... m ok. but what is the damn point in saying that? if i was like her he wouldn't date me? what the hell does it even mean? why he said it to me.

Im hella confused

[Oliverlogan263]

Comparing you to his ex, even indirectly, is hurtful and inappropriate. Here are my thoughts on what's going on:

• When you were upset for family reasons, he made assumptions that it had to do with him or the relationship. That insecurity likely stems from his past relationship issues.

• Instead of trusting you at your word that it wasn't about him, he projected his ex's behavior onto you. That wasn't fair.

• When you called him out for comparing you, he backpedaled and said you're different people. But the fact that he went there in the first place is concerning.

• His comment that "he couldn't date someone like her" comes off as criticizing his ex, but also unintentionally puts you down by implying you're a more suitable partner simply because you're "not like her."

• The point is, he shouldn't be comparing you to his ex at all. You're your own person in your own right, unrelated to his past relationship.

In the future, I'd recommend setting a clear boundary that you don't appreciate being compared to his ex, even indirectly. Say something like:

"I understand you had a difficult relationship in the past. But I'm my own person, unrelated to her. Comparing me to your ex, even positively, hurts my feelings and disrespects me as an individual. I need you to see me for who I truly am, without relating me to anyone else."

Hope this perspective helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Asker]

Wow thanks a lot
Yes pretty much its what you said
I told him that im different, im different world and i understand his insecurities and see that he was traumatised and i love him
I wanted to reassure wewere ok, i saw kind of fear in his eyes i promise you
I asked why he was so insecure, he said "im not insecure its just her would do x and z"
See? she cause him insecuritites when i mention it he blames her
And when we went to a nightclub i heard him sahing to another guy that im the best woman he ever had
He is weird

[Oliverlogan263]

It does sound like his ex left some lingering insecurities and issues that still affect him and his current relationship with you. But that's understandable given any difficult past relationship experience. The key is for him to work through those issues in a healthy way that doesn't put undue stress on your relationship.

Some things you could try:

• Be patient with him. Reassure him of your love and commitment in small ways every day. Over time this consistency can help rebuild his trust and confidence.

• Set clear boundaries around discussing his ex. Let him know comparisons make you uncomfortable and you'd prefer he not bring her up. Gently redirect the conversation when he does.

• Encourage him to seek therapy if his insecurities are significant. A professional can help him process his past relationship issues and develop better coping skills.

• Continue to communicate openly about your relationship. Ask how you can best support him, and share your honest feelings in a compassionate way.

• Reassure him of the positives in your current relationship. Focus the conversation on building each other up, not tearing his ex down.

• Avoid jealousy around his ex. This will only feed into his insecurities and comparisons. Focus on nurturing your own relationship.

The key is for him to work through his issues in a way that doesn't burden you. You can be supportive, but ultimately he needs to take responsibility for his own healing. With time, open communication and professional help if needed, there's hope he can learn to view your relationship more independently from his past.

I hope this provides some helpful guidance. I'm happy to further discuss ways you can support your partner through this.

[Asker]

Thanks a lot
He is still distant and still not talking to me
Im getting tired of this
Im 80%he will cancel our weekend together

[Oliverlogan263]

I'm sorry to hear that. It's frustrating when someone is distant after a misunderstanding. A few suggestions:

1. Give him some time and space. Even if you want to resolve things now, pushing the issue may make him withdraw further. He may just need time to process on his own.

2. Offer a brief, sincere apology for getting upset. Even if you felt his remarks were hurtful, taking responsibility can go a long way. Something simple like "I'm sorry for getting so upset the other day. I overreacted and I want to talk things through."

3. Suggest a calm discussion in person. Tell him you care about addressing this together and you don't want it to drive a wedge between you. Ask when he'd feel ready to talk things over.

4. During the discussion, focus on communicating your feelings calmly and clearly, not accusing him. Explain why his comparing you to his ex made you uncomfortable and upset. Ask that he avoid it in the future.

5. Listen to his perspective as well, without interrupting. He may have a different view of events that you haven't considered. Try to see things from his side too.

6. Focus on resolving the misunderstanding and moving forward. Reaffirm your feelings for each other and that you want to build open communication. Ask how you both can prevent similar issues in the future.

7. If he still seems distant after all this, give him more time. But express again that you care for him and hope he'll open up when he's ready. You cannot force him to instantly feel differently but you can show your willingness to work through this together.

The key is keeping communication open, even if it means spending some time apart first. Hopefully presenting your side calmly and sincerely will prompt a productive discussion. I hope this helps - let me know if you have any other questions!

[Asker]

He said he is mentally tired
This time i didn't even start asking question why or if he wanna talk about it i just gave him a hug and kissed him
I sent gnite message he didn't reply as always... i said if he wants we can have coffee at the morning before work.. kinda sugesting if he wanna talk. I dont want to tell him that he can talk to me if he wants, he knows it already.

He knows i hate talks about ex, i told him that many times in the past
Once i literally said , after 4 days talking about her : well lets se if we can survive a nother day without talking about her
Another time he started talking about her at my fucking birthday
I nearly cried, i said :can we avoid talking about her at least at My fucking bday?

Now he is not talking about her, i dont know what bothers him. Im sure it has something to do with her or his daughter and he doesn't want to tell me
Last week was perfect, very happy
This weekend was shit
Every weekend he spends on his own is shit he just gets drunk with friends and stays at home and has fight with his daughter and i think his ex too but he doesn't tell me it

[Melowooky]

Hello
by the way its me, i asked this as anon but another similar question as Myself
So for any further talks you talk to me directly
I like the way you think
Thanks

[Oliverlogan263]

It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling with some mental health issues and past baggage related to his ex and daughter. A few things I'd suggest:

1. Be compassionate but set boundaries. Let him know you're there to support him, but comparisons to his ex are hurtful and you'd rather not hear about her. Focus the conversation on him and how you can help.

2. Ask open-ended questions to better understand what he's going through. "You seem stressed lately. Can you tell me more about what's weighing on your mind?" Don't blame or judge, just listen with empathy.

3. Recommend therapy if he's open to it. Working through issues with an ex and co-parenting can benefit from professional help. Offer to go with him for support.

4. Spend quality time together doing relaxing activities. Going for a walk, cooking a meal together, watching a funny movie can help him de-stress and reconnect with you in the present.

5. Help him develop healthier coping skills instead of drinking and isolating on weekends. Exercise, meditation, journaling, and connecting with friends can all help.

6. If he refuses to open up or make changes, decide if you're willing to accept that. His mental health is ultimately his responsibility. You can only support him if he's willing to be supported.

7. Take care of yourself. Set boundaries to protect your mental health, and don't let his struggles become your burden to fix alone. Seek support from friends if needed.

The biggest thing is showing you care, listening without judgment and recommending healthy outlets. But ultimately he has to be willing to seek help and make changes. I hope some of this advice is useful. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Asker]

Thabks a lot
I soend a weekend with him
We went to the beach we had aex, he took viagra lol to last longer
We watched movies we played tennis on the beach we went to the pool we went out to have a dinner in a german restaurant🥰
He said im "wicked"(he is English) also that im thw first girlfriend he can actually trust and talk to about anything
He also said im a good girl

[Asker]

How do i chose you as best answer?

[Oliverlogan263]

I'm glad you had a positive weekend together that helped reassure you of his care and interest in the relationship. Some thoughts based on your update:

• His actions - spending quality time together, being intimate, sharing enjoyable activities - show he does value you and your connection. That's a good sign.

• His comments that you're "wicked" (in a positive way), that he can trust you, and that you're a "good girl" indicate he appreciates and respects you on a personal level.

• The fact that he feels comfortable opening up to you in ways he hasn't with past partners is also a good sign of intimacy and trust within your relationship.

• However, his issues around his ex and daughter still appear unresolved given his previous behavior you described. One positive weekend does not necessarily indicate those deeper problems have been fully worked through.

• Going forward, continue actively listening if your boyfriend does want to open up more about what's bothering him. But also maintain your boundary that you don't want to constantly hear comparisons to his ex - those discussions should remain rare and brief.

• Focus primarily on nurturing the positive aspects of your connection - the trust, intimacy, fun and care you felt this past weekend. Let that serve as a foundation for continuing to build a healthy, fulfilling relationship together.

• Be mindful of any warning signs his issues may be resurfacing. But for now, enjoy this positive step forward in your relationship and the reassurance it has likely provided for both of you.

Overall, I'm glad to hear you two had such a strong and connecting weekend. Continue nurturing the good while maintaining healthy boundaries. Let me know if you have any other questions. I wish you the very best moving forward!

[Oliverlogan263]

To choose someone as the best answer on here, you can click on the "Best Answer" button under their answer. This will highlight their answer and make it the default answer for that question.

[Melowooky]

I think the system chosen another person as mho😡wirhout my permission
But you are the most helpful
Very smart, thanks
Yeah i agree his issues probably still there and will be there
It was amazing 2 days tho
He called me "precious" when i left him and was about to drive home.
Today im staying with him again, we go to shop clothes together becaue on 19 we are going to a techno festival and we need clothes and at 26 we have a job break and we go to Benidorm in Spain for 5 days
We already booked a hotel

[Melowooky]

He said he had a dinner with his daughter
He said he is very happy with me and that i complete him and that im better that her mom (he didn't say it to her) but he thought this

[Oliverlogan263]

@Melowooky it’s okay don’t worry about it. You’re welcome by the way. I'm glad you had a good weekend with your boyfriend and that he expressed affection for you. However, I do think there are still some issues to be mindful of:

1. His tendency to withdraw and be upset when you're not together suggests unresolved emotions and insecurities. Having a good couple days doesn't mean those issues have fully gone away.

2. His comparisons to and put-downs of his ex, even if not said directly to her, are unhealthy. A mature partner focuses on building a positive new relationship, not "one-upping" an ex.

3. His expressions of affection are surface-level. For a relationship to truly thrive, there needs to be intimacy - sharing vulnerabilities, communicating needs, and being emotionally present through good and bad times.

4. His reliance on Viagra hints at underlying intimacy and connectivity issues that haven't been fully addressed. Enjoyable time now doesn't mean stressors won't resurface.

5. Ongoing co-parenting challenges with his daughter may continue to weigh on him, affecting his overall happiness and ability to be present with you.

While I don't diminish your positive experiences, a healthy level of skepticism is wise. Focus on his:

• Ability to be emotionally open and communicate directly about issues

• Resistance to comparing you to his ex going forward

• Willingness to be vulnerable and intimate, beyond surface-level affection

Quality time together is important, but so is feeling truly seen, heard and understood. Please continue prioritizing your needs, values and self-worth as you navigate this. Keep me updated on new developments so I can best support you.

The most important thing is that you feel fulfilled and your needs are met in this relationship. Don't hesitate to reach out if you have any other questions. I'm here to help however I can.

[Melowooky]

He is done
Im tired

[Somebodysomeone]

It doesn't sound like he's comparing you to his ex as much as he's worried about being treated the same way. Sounds like he's trying to be honest about how he would like to be treated by you specifically but he's just not communicating it correctly.

[Asker]

I wasn't treating him worng
I dont know why he is so insecure

[Somebodysomeone]

Do you know anything about his childhood? Usually insecurities come from our up bringing.

[Asker]

Smalest of 3 brothers
Strict policeman dad
Soft hairdresser mom
Brother who bullied him a bit they are like 12 and 13 years older from another dad

[Alli39]

He wasn't trying to compare you two, and certainly not in a derogatory way. He was trying to explain that his past experiences with his ex have made him insecure, he just didn't explain it well. It sounds like the ex was emotionally abusive and being the victim of those sorts of experiences can mess with you for a long time. He is ex basically conditioned him to try and accept responsibility for things that aren't his fault and assume a lack of communication. It's hard to break out of. I'm not saying you have to be ok with it, but I'd suggest reconsidering what he was actually trying to say (commenting on your actions vs his experiences) and then decide how upset you are.

[Asker]

I think yiu are right
But it annoys me that when he is in good modd all is perfext
When he is in bad mood tbis ghost from past comes to the surface and he sees her in my words or my actions
And gets angry at me or thinks i am angry, when im not
It annoys me a lot
But we talked about it today
I said i understand he is traumatized and that i still love him and im patient and understanding with this issue of his

[Alli39]

Trauma is difficult for both the victim and the people around them. If he's not managing his trauma and personal experiences well then that's a conversation you guys need to have. Be understanding, but know that you don't have to put up with everything. If he struggles to react well in conflict find ways to restructure your more negative interactions. (Ex. if he tends to shut down emotionally in an argument, consider agreeing to take a certain amount of time before you talk about issues or have both of you write out what you want to say to avoid lashing out. It may seem a little silly at face value but if it helps you both feel more comfortable then "a little silly" is sometimes worth it.)

[Asker]

Thanksill try

[Alli39]

Good luck!

[Asker]

He still acts distant
doesn't hug me...
Last week he couldnt get his hand from me
Kissing me, groping, etc
Now he doewnt even hug me
He doesn't talk
He said he is tired mentally, i dont get it
I think something happened with his ex or daughter , he became weird after that
He doesn't tell me
Before sleep we always send kisses he didn't answer me
He was online tho
I said i love hugging you
He said :me too"
But didn't hug me but phisically distanced himself, why say he loves hugging me when he doewnt even do it

[EmmaMary]

It's definitely time for you to hastily move on, and don't look back.

[Asker]

Well why?
You just dont leave like that
Why you said it

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHO.