I have been in a bit of a heartbreak lately.
I met this person 2 years ago, this year would be 3 but, after many issues he asked for a separation 5 months ago. The next day after the breakup, he came back saying he'd made a huge mistake and didn't want us to separate. I had already been "suffering" from emotional neglect in that relationship for at least the last year and a half, so when he left, it was the last blow. I accepted it and left. Long story short, despite him showing he doesn't want us to be apart he says it's because :"I am a good person" but his actions show differently. He still tries to call me "babe" or sends videos/pictures of when we were together under the pretext : "oh I fell on this in my phone, look". He just isn't direct or open about his intentions so, I keep having to guess and this puts me in anxiety.
We're not intimate or anything.
The last conversation we had (a few days ago), he asked if I had met anyone. I told him no and the reasons. The main reason being that I was so hurt in my last 2 relationships (3 years each including this one) and right now, I am done with love unless it's the right guy. I didn't attract men who were safe in the past. They were closed off and had narcissistic tendencies. I understood that it came from a lack of boundaries and too much self neglect from my part. So, I changed and my now ex says I lack flexibility and am authoritative. In my mind, I'm just setting better standards for myself, raising the bar of the floor.
The answer to my question may seem evident for certain people but, I figured maybe someone has already been in a relationship with a closed off person and, they manage to make it work. It's just being romantic and strawberry vanilla as I am, I find it hard to be with someone that never feels safe to talk except to a therapist.
Should I let the tiny bit of hope for this relationship go, he doesn't seem to even try when it comes to emotional availability but, I do care about him.
I met this person 2 years ago, this year would be 3 but, after many issues he asked for a separation 5 months ago. The next day after the breakup, he came back saying he'd made a huge mistake and didn't want us to separate. I had already been "suffering" from emotional neglect in that relationship for at least the last year and a half, so when he left, it was the last blow. I accepted it and left. Long story short, despite him showing he doesn't want us to be apart he says it's because :"I am a good person" but his actions show differently. He still tries to call me "babe" or sends videos/pictures of when we were together under the pretext : "oh I fell on this in my phone, look". He just isn't direct or open about his intentions so, I keep having to guess and this puts me in anxiety.
We're not intimate or anything.
The last conversation we had (a few days ago), he asked if I had met anyone. I told him no and the reasons. The main reason being that I was so hurt in my last 2 relationships (3 years each including this one) and right now, I am done with love unless it's the right guy. I didn't attract men who were safe in the past. They were closed off and had narcissistic tendencies. I understood that it came from a lack of boundaries and too much self neglect from my part. So, I changed and my now ex says I lack flexibility and am authoritative. In my mind, I'm just setting better standards for myself, raising the bar of the floor.
The answer to my question may seem evident for certain people but, I figured maybe someone has already been in a relationship with a closed off person and, they manage to make it work. It's just being romantic and strawberry vanilla as I am, I find it hard to be with someone that never feels safe to talk except to a therapist.
Should I let the tiny bit of hope for this relationship go, he doesn't seem to even try when it comes to emotional availability but, I do care about him.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
I think if you've had conversations with this person about these things and STILL he does not change then he knows you won't leave by doing the bare minimum. You are on the right path by setting boundaries (something I have struggled with) and you seem to have a genuine heart. I would let the idea of a relationship go in this instance if you've already communicated your needs and they are still being unmet. Best of luck, only you can create the life you want.
Thanks a lot for your reply. You're on point on your analysis. I guess it's just time to say goodbye, I just hate to have to do that.