Do I get to be upset?

[Anonymous]

ik i dont rlly get to be sad at this. and its stupid. but my boyfriend (A) was on call w me and on ps5 with his best friend (b) a couple of weeks ago. B could hear me but i couldnt hear him and at one point B said something and my boyfriend was like no im not saying that to her. and they both agreed he shouldn't. and i had no idea what theyre talking about. i asked and my A said itd break my heart he can't do that to me. so ofc I needed to know. a little after the friend me, A and B were on a group call and we talked for about 4 hours then A fell asleep on call and me and B kept talking for about two more hours. i found out after B said i was super interesting, funny, smart and fun to talk to and told A he ‘got a good one’ and to ‘make sure he holds on’ which is high praise ofc. Now the insecure part.

i kept pestering my boyfriend bc i couldnt let it go in my head and he finally gave in yesterday. he said when he showed B a picture of me his reaction was as long as… (you're happy). ofc i was crushed. i asked him what his reaction was bc thats what matters abd he said “ i didn't let him finish the sentence and told him to stfu. you know ur my pretty girl.” ik i dont rlly get to be upset bc i forced him to tell me but I don't know it hurts. the picture wasn't a great one i wouldn't send it to anyone but him and i only took it to show him my new hair colour but i do look like that ig. i do look chubby and bloated in the pic. the angle isn't great. i have hair dye still on me. i look a little childish. the dress was an old one for dyeing hair. the mirror wasn't clean. ill attach it. I don't know man. im just hurt. i also know i shouldn't care what his friend thinks as long as he likes me but j can't help but feel like a troll. worst part is j can't even talk to him about it bc he TOLD ME id be upset and i made him tell me anyways. its my own doing.

also if youve seen this question before i accidentally posted it to the wrong place.

[Rei13]

You’re pretty. We all take bad pictures and honestly what his friend thinks doesn’t matter. He isn’t dating you. Your boyfriend is attracted to you and he likes who you are as a person. You should talk to your boyfriend about it once you’ve collected yourself and you’re in a better place. That it hurts that his friend thought that but you know that what his friend said isn’t true/appreciated your boyfriend telling you what he said. Don’t let some other guy make you feel like you’re less when you’re not

[Asker]

thank you. i needed to hear that last line i think.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that should matter to you is WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT YOURSELF, you must not allow other people, even those close to you such as your family, friends or partner to define how you think and feel about yourself.

You must learn to define yourself, this is the only way to avoid being controlled and manipulated and dependent on other people.

You need to learn about self love and validation etc.

A and B are both twats by the way, you can do way better than this, or at least you will be able to when you have found your own voice loving and supportive voice and trust your own judgement.

[Asker]

wait why is A a twat? he rlly didn't want to tell me and i forced him to.

[Opinion Owner]

Really?

He is passing around pictures of you to his friends for them to judge and then is confused as to why you might not find that acceptable.

He then claims immunity in exchange for you being told what was said about you while your privacy (your picture) was being violated.

He says things like 'you know ur my pretty girl' which as I have tried to explain to you already is a dangerous manipulation regardless of whether it is intended or not. Because you do not love and validate yourself you are vulnerable to becoming dependent on the validation of others, A is providing that validation by saying things like this to you, that gives him control and power over you which is why it is dangerous.

Now I am not saying that he knowingly is manipulating you, he might be, but I don't think he is that clever but he is quite obviously a fucking twat.

You cannot be love another or be loved by another until you learn to love yourself, this is what you should focus your energy, time and efforts on, not these worthless ass clowns.

[Asker]

wow. you're very right. this is rlly eye opening thanks. i didn't think i was rlly susceptible to manipulation but i let my guard down.

[Opinion Owner]

You can't be close to someone without also being vulnerable, but ANY and EVERY time ANYONE describes you whether that is positive or negative or whatever, that is an invitation for you to accept this description and allow it to define who you are.

For example someone might say you are 'fat ugly bitch', it doesn't mean anything, on its own, those words only have as much power AS YOU CHOOSE TO GIVE THEM. You could completely ignore it and the words could slide right on past like water off a ducks back OR you could soak that negative shit up and internalise it and start repeating it to yourself inside your own mind and allow this other person to define WHO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS.

Positive comments are no different, sure it feels nicer when someone is saying something good about you but the danger is exactly the same, you are being given an invitation, that you don't have to accept, to allow someone else to define you.

We have all seen how damaging it can be when people suddenly become world famous and praised is heaped upon them, it can be overwhelming and then when the limelight goes away those people come crashing down, no longer being fed all of those invitations to have a distorted and external definitions of self.

Power and responsibility ALWAYS go hand in hand, you cannot be responsible for something that you do not have power over and you ARE choosing how you think and feel, the responsibility and power is ALWAYS yours, there is no such thing as 'that other person MADE me feel bad'.

[Opinion Owner]

So to come back to your specific question 'Do I get to be upset?'

What does that even mean?

What is the purpose of being upset?

What does it get you?

What you did when you made this post was ask me for permission for you to assign blame and therefore responsibility AND THEREFORE POWER to this other person to define your emotional state.

Clearly you don't want to be doing anything like any of those things.

But yes, you can be upset if you want to be, but what would be the point in CHOOSING to do that?

It's all for you, it's not about anyone else.

You have to be mindful, self aware, observe your own behaviour.

Do you run to the kitchen and stuff chocolate cake in the hole in your face when someone tells you that you are a bitch?

Maybe you go and buy another pair of shoes or let a random stranger fuck you?

All of this sort of self destructive bullshit is a result of not loving yourself and instead seeking a solution outside of the self.

'If i have valuable things I must be a valuable person.' etc

[Asker]

wow. ur right. a huge problem of mine is i also let external positive statements define me. i didn't rlly think it was an issue bc yk theyre positive but have it pointed out like that ur right. bc the second theyre no longer coming in i DO feel valueless and i DO tend to go on somewhat of a self destructive rampage. thank you

[Opinion Owner]

I realised after I had posted that I wasn't very happy about the way I had posted that part because the issue isn't even that the positive feed might stop it is that if you were to 'believe your press' then you would become an arrogant prick.

You have to try to stay grounded and have an accurate assessment of yourself and your value etc while also remaining positive regardless of your situation. Being positive even when the outlook is bleak is simply a requirement for making the effort to try and change your situation, it doesn't matter what the odds are, trying is always objectively superior to not trying.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised even face like you getting boyfriend...

[Asker]

fortunately my boyfriend goes for personality 👍

[hi123]

Her face is very pretty

[Shayyyy1]

U can be upset about his comment on ur appearance but as long as ur boyfriend didn't agree with the comment and he is attracted to u just the way u are it doesn't matter what B says, he's probably just jealous of A and wanted his to say something harsh to u so he'd hurt ur feelings and u'd dump him.

[hi123]

Wow u are beautiful

[hi123]

Addme

[Asker]

i feel like its rlly clear from the post i have a boyfriend

[hi123]

Cooll

[hi123]

Just saying

[Asker]

i do appreciate the compliment tho thank you.

[hi123]

Follow

[Anonymous]

You’re gorgeous.

[Anonymous]

Another stupid desi. Ruined by attention mindset