Why did he flirt with me all the time and then when drunk told me we'll never be close?

[Anonymous]

I've known him for a handful of years. We initially hit it off really well and would always laugh and joke around. Then one day he got awkward and said maybe we'd go out sometime. It only got weirder after that. He'd frequently make comments about taking me out sometime and us going out for drinks, sometimes even calling it a date. We'd never actually make plans, though. He'd hold my hand, tell me he thinks I look cute, mess with my clothes, tease me, pick me up in hugs, lend me his coat, etc. I even asked him if he really means all the things he'd said and he said yes. Finally about a year ago he asked me to go get drinks and we actually did. He was super drunk and ended up telling me he thought I looked cute. Then he also told me we're not close and never will be. I asked him the next day what he meant by that and he said he doesn't mean to come across that way. Then a few months later I asked him to put for drinks and he said yes and acted super excited. We never ended up going because he got distant and just pushed me away. We haven't talked in over 6 months and I'm just confused. He's an alcoholic which doesn't help. Why did he act nice and then push me away? Why did he frequently flirt and act nice and then say we wouldn't be close? Is it because of the alcoholism? I just never understood what happened. And I still catch him staring at me. I feel like he just hated me all of a sudden and I don't get it.

[BlackBeauty90]

Are you SOOO desperate to get laid you're going to hound after a drunkard with control issues who essentially told you to get lost. Seriously. Get some self respect girl.

Who cares why he did it. He has issues.

.

He has control problems, that's why he'd stand by you around other men.

He has a small ego, is why he flirted with you & your reaction boosted that small ego.

He is a narcissist, goes with the small ego, & doesn't care about your emotions.

He's a drunkard to boot and the control / small ego means he may be abusive too.

.

What else do you need?

[Choco101]

I'm going through a very similar thing, but the guy is reacting towards me with anger/aggression and telling me he wants to be friends. But only after flirting with me extremely hard (multiple hugs, strong and long eye contact, sexual innuendo, asking multiple questions about my interests, complementing my jewerly, etc). Plus the guy I'm dealing with is also an alcholic and smoker. I got the idea that he saw me acting flirty with some male friends but I was just laughing at their jokes or acting silly.

Did you notice any change in his behaviour when you were with others or when you were doing something?

But yeah I learned it's not worth it, too much stress to deal with guys like these. Unless they show change and show that they're sorry.

[Asker]

When I talk to other guys he'd tell me they were dicks. If he was around when other guys talked to me he would walk over and stand next to me so they'd get uncomfortable and leave. It just really hurts my feelings that he was so back and forth but wouldn't make it clear what he wanted. When I told him I couldn't keep having things stay the same between us and I needed boundaries for my own sake, he told me "have your little boundaries then. There's no dislike or tension in my eyes" And I'll never understand why he was so excited about us going out for drinks together and then shut it down before it happened and pretty much cut me out of his life. I miss our banter, but I know he's unhealthy. I just wish I understood his actions.

[Choco101]

Maybe he has the Avoidant attachment style, and self sabotage mixed with a lot of issues. That's the conclusion I came to. Or the rare occasion where he just wants someone to dwell in their misery as well (aka Narcassist).

[236color]

"In vino veritas". That's not just a line from "Tombstone" it's a quote from Roman Scholar Pliny the Elder. It means "In wine there is truth", or as updated by James McMurtry in his song " Too Long in the Wasteland", "Whiskey don't make lairs, it just makes fools." For whatever reason, this guy doesn't intend anything serious with you, or possibly any woman. Want a drinking buddy, he's probably fine. Looking for a boyfriend? Look elsewhere.

[Constatine]

Maybe he is punishing him self for being an acholic... Knowing that he never will be good enough for you..

[Asker]

What do you mean?

[Constatine]

Exactly what i said.
People with an addiction often know that what they do is wrong but they can't stop. They have no control over it. They are punching them selfs for not being in control and therefore they know deep inside that they end up hurting the person the love.

So maybe, he was teasing.. Maybe he start figuring out that he liked you a lot. he realized it and got scared so he pushed you away because he knew he end up hurting you by not being good enough.

I know there are a lot of maybes in this. I just like to point out that in this case he is not just another ass playing with your feelings... But he is running away from his own...

{ I'm searching for the right words in English.. I don't know how to write it down more clearly, sorry)

That is what addicted people also do.

[Constatine]

Skip the last line... I forgot to delete 🙄

[Asker]

That actually makes a lot of sense. My last relationship was abusive, so when this guy started giving major mixed signals and pushing away it was pretty triggering. I did infact feel like he was just playing with my feelings and maybe it was a big joke to him to hurt me. I also had guilt because I knew I shouldn't like him. I wanted there to be friendship and banter, but I also know how unhealthy he is. With gambling and drinking addictions he's not in a place to have a relationship with anyone. I also genuinely wish he wanted better for himself. I don't want to see him die young, and I've told him that. I've always wondered if an alcoholic knows what they're doing, and if they care when they hurt people. It was just so confusing, and my heart still hurts. He told me if there was ever any problems between us he'd tell me, and then he went and shut me out of his life and I was blindsided. I didn't understand what I did wrong. I'm learning now that i can't blame myself. He has battles and only he can change himself. He has to want it. So for now, I'll keep praying for him like I always have.

[Constatine]

Very good my dear. You can't point the finger to you.. praying is good. Take care. 🤗

[Cynicaldreamer]

You know there's a saying where people speak the truth when they're drunk, "liquid truth" so to speak...

Sounds like he already told you his answer: he likes you, but not enough to date you. That's why he's been acting so distant- and the fact that he's an alcoholic... why would you want to date someone like that?

Take him pushing you away and ignoring you as a red flag: he's not interested.

[Asker]

I don't, it took a long while to realize that but I do now. I'm just trying to understand what happened. I never initiated the flirting, he did. That's why I don't get it, why flirt if you're not interested? And the comment about us never being close was before I asked him out for drinks. So it makes even less sense. Why even act so excited and then push me away like you hate me?

[sage2021]

Maybe this had gone on as long as long as it did because he probably convinced himself he could quit drinking and be the guy you needed him to be. But he just couldn't stop drinking no matter how long he might have tried. Did he ever say he wanted to be sober. Maybe he needs to go into rehab and go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Maybe someone someday will stand beside him and when he's ready, he will get the support he needs to quit drinking.

[Asker]

He made a comment that he needed to slow down and not day drink. I feel like part of him thought I didn't realize he was an alcoholic even though he gets annihilated regularly. At one point I thought maybe it was all in my head and I took things the wrong way. But he'd literally tell me we should go out every time he saw me. And the hugs, teasing, calling me cute, buying me drinks, lending me his jacket just continued. But then other times it was like it never happened and he'd be so cold towards me. I even finally told him we don't have to be friends just because our families are close. He told me he did want to be friends and that he didn't just feel that way because of family. And he called me cute the same night he told me we'll never be close. I think that's what confuses me most. That, and being so excited to go out and then turning so mean and calling it off. I tried to set boundaries then and he told me "have your little boundaries then. There's no dislike or tension in my eyes." Why would he do all that? I feel so used and hurt. I'm not trying to fix things, just trying to make sense of it for myself.

[Bethany22]

Because he's the non-committal type.

[Asker]

So does he hate me? Or is him saying we'll never be close like him projecting? Like maybe he never gets close to anyone. I was just really hurt because it's like we're not even friends now and I don't even understand what happened. I do know he has drinking and gambling addictions and that he's not a healthy person. It just makes me sad.

[Hinaaaaa]

Passing time or maybe Split personality...

[Tomisworthless]

to let you know

[Asker]

To let me know what? Why lead me on for so long and then be mean? I never initiated except for the one drink hangout. I just don't understand and I'm hurt.

[Tomisworthless]

he's just a flirt you caught feelings and while drunk he told you the hurtful truth