What to say when he goes to war?

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I was seeing a guy on and off for a long time. Mostly sex. I got hurt. Usual story.
Except, we always stayed good.

Recently we were speaking, maybe going to meet and talk. Then literally the next day war broke out.
And he got called to do reserve duty.

After a few weeks he had a day off. I went and stayed the night with him.

It was really hard seeing him get ready to go back in the morning.
And he was a little distant, almost cold (cold for him, he’s not a cold guy).

I probably wouldn’t have gone to stay the way I did had it not been the situation. But I wanted to see him, what if something happened and I didn’t get another chance? I just wanted to be there for him.

I’m having trouble dealing with and differentiating between how much I care for him and want to be there for him while he’s literally on the front line and the feelings that I shouldn’t get too close or show to much affection (because we’re not together) and my own insecurities.

Basically, I don’t want to make it about me.

Until now, I’ve let most of the “check ins” come from him. And just been there when he needs me.
But that was kind of the problem with us to begin with.

I don’t know what to do, what to say, I want him to know that I’m here for him but i don’t want to pressure him so I don’t know if that’s more for my sake or for his?

For me there are no expectations now, it’s a different situation.

Or am I being stupid? Should I still not have gone running?

If anyone has any insight as to what a soldier might need and appreciate in such a situation I would be very grateful

As well as how to hold my self and keep my sanity and dignity

[BoopBoopBeep]

If all of the check ins are coming from him, how are you "there for him?"

I have 9 combat patches. The times when I was with women who made me do all the work while I was in a war zone were the times I came home and quickly found myself single again.

[Asker]

Thank you I was hoping someone who served would answer.
Not all check ins, most. it’s been a couple of weeks.

This is exactly my problem.
I don’t want to make him do the work or any work.
I want to show him that I’m there for him but I don’t want to bombard him or pressure him about us.

So that’s why I’m asking for advice on what he would appreciate and how to deal with it and be there for him in the best way

[BoopBoopBeep]

I dated a woman who wrote me every day. I may only have internet access for a couple hours a month, so I can't say I was harping over each line, but it did make me happy to see her emails to me, even if they were short.

If you can't be bothered to write "in a couple of weeks" while I'm off to war that's several times over that I may have died and you may or may not even be bothered by that.

I feel like there's some fundamental component to your question that I'm not understanding. Did you talk more than once every couple of weeks when he was home? Presumably yes, so why would you think it appropriate to talk less now? Whatever you'd normally talk about, tell him how that's going.

[Asker]

The point is that we’re not dating. When I said we were on and off, most recently we were off. We only spoke in the days leading up to the war (which was unexpected) about getting together to talk.
So we’re not really anything. This is what I meant by not wanting to pressure him about that now.

It is in no way that I can’t be bothered to write to him. I want to message him all the time at the moment.

Even when we were on we didn’t talk every day.

And I have insecurities, like I want to believe that he called me to spend the night on his only day free because he wanted me there but then there’s the wonder if he’s using me and will drop once it’s all done.
Which is making it about me which is what I’m trying not to do, I want to put it all a side and just do what he would appreciate.
But it’s hard to think clearly and know.
Im also dealing with being in a war in my country, just not on the front line and it’s people like him keeping me and all of us safe rn.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Okay... clearer now. Thanks much.

Even when you were on you didn't talk every day. Was he at war then? No? Then that doesn't count. I'm not saying you have to talk to him every day, but NOT talking to him is certainly not endearing yourself to him.

He may drop you when it's all done. That's true. Everyone you ever date may drop you at any given time for any reason once they're done with you. That's just the reality of things. If you spend all your time focusing on THAT, you'll never appreciate the good times in a relationship, or you'll be too paralyzed to ever have a functional one. Even if every one you ever dated before him was just using you, sorry, that's not his fault (sucks for you though, and I'm sorry that happened) and holding a man in the present responsible for the actions of the men in your past means no future for the two of you. That's a universal constant.

Honestly, you're not unique. Neither is he. There's 8 billion people in the world. We partner up with others and are they the absolute best match for us out of those 8 billion? Statistically that's unlikely, but they're good enough because they're the best (ish) that we know and we won't get a chance to meet all 8 billion. One of the things that everyone values (though perhaps a little more by men) is the ease in which this partner allows us to partner with them. It it's going to be super complicated to partner with you because you're always going to be like "what if he's just using me like all the others" or... whatever... he's going to just go to someone else that brings just as much as you do to the table without the added conflict of the self-sabotage.

For what it's worth, I'm rooting for you.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for this

[BLP11520]

Let him know that you care about his safety and want him to get through whatever may be going to happen. Tell him in person if you can. Be yourself. Having someone care about you does mean a lot. He may not realize it at first.

[Angelo75]

It is a hard situation indeed.

Frankly I wouldn't have a clue. The thing is that I've had very bad experience with long distance relationship so I'm not the person who would advice you to do it.

I could imagine though that on the day he is dressing up to leave, he'd have to toughen-up his mindset to be able to "let go" of what he leaves behind. Otherwise it would get harder to get on the plane/boat/whatever.

It is important though to think about what you would expect if you got into such a relationship, reason to point this out is that the feelings you're having of "being there for him". Usually these are feelings that will lead to love. I'm not saying it always will lead to it. I'm just saying "usually".

This feels so bad. I deleted half of the rest of my answer because I don't want to write something that would be unfair to him either.

I will leave just saying:
"Take time to weigh the pro and cons in ADVANCE, because once you get onto the love-train, you will be blinded by love."

We're all humans.

[Bethany22]

Him having to go off to be a soldier is just an extreme example of what you should do when a guy in your same situation is going through a tough time. Only reach out to him if YOU need help with anything. Otherwise, just wait for him to ask you for help.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Respectfully, If I'm in a war zone and you're reaching out to me because YOU need help, I'm done with you on the spot. A) there's very little I can affect to provide help to YOU from the middle of a war zone (what do you want me to do, call a plumber?) and B) I've got real problems to deal with, what possibly could you have going on that you can't take care of that I can take care of under those circumstances? That just comes off as narcissistic and incompetent.

[Bethany22]

@BoopBoopBeep thanks for the advice

[Billlewis]

Can he receive texts from you? Just text him every 24-48 hours and let him know you're thinking of him. If he has a chance to respond, he will.

[BoopBoopBeep]

This is a great idea. Text messages go a long way for morale.

[Billlewis]

You may have more of a hold of him than you realize.