How can I figure out how my friend feels about me without ruining our friendship?

[Anonymous]

I have known this guy for a few years but for the last couple of months we have really spent a lot of time together (shared hobbies) and have texted every day with very few exceptions. This just suddenly started and has gotten more over the last couple of months. Long messages, all hours of the day and sometimes quite late. He initiates contacts a lot and when I first message he always gets back to me quickly. We could be texting and messaging hours on end and sometimes it’s just one long conversation throughout the days. When we are together we can talk for hours and have occasionally lost a few hours when we bought thought it should be way earlier than it actually was. We have the same sense of humour and he always manages to make me laugh. He is always there for me and very, very helpful. Having spent so much time together (the other day it was over 10 hours spent together and then more messages once we parted ways) I feel I know him pretty well now as he has been sharing a lot about himself with me lately. I really like him though I am scared to bring this up as I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I wish I could read his mind!!

[Oliverlogan263]

It sounds like you really care about this guy and you have a great connection already. I think the best thing to do is gently try to test the waters without directly confessing your feelings yet.

Suggest just hanging out one on one more casually - like getting coffee after your hobby together instead of messaging each other. See how he acts in a more relaxed setting when it's just the two of you. Does he seem comfortable? Try subtle flirting too - little jokes, compliments, light physical contact. Pay attention to how he responds.

You could also bring up relationships/dating casually in conversation to get a sense if he's interested in anyone. See if he asks your opinion on it or what you're looking for. Reading his body language might give you clues on if he's into you as more than a friend.

If things seem like there could be chemistry, I'd say go for it and ask him on a real date, making it clear it's romantic and not just friendly. The worst that can happen is he says he wants to stay friends - and at least then you'll know for sure and can start moving on if needed. But from the way you described it, it really seems there could be something there. You won't know until you put it out there a bit more! I'm rooting for you guys.

[Asker]

Thanks for your answer l. Yes I really care for him. He is such a great person.
That’s maybe a good idea to suggest doing other things together. I guess I was a bit cryptic about our shared hobby but we spend 99% of the time together just the 2 of us already. Light compliments, lots of joking and banter and the odd physical contact is already happening - but I never know when/if that’s enough of a clue about how he feels. We’d spend 4-5 hours a day together lately very regularly
He mentioned a few times that he is single and he knows I am too, other than that we never discussed any relationship matters or other people for that matter.
I guess I am just too scared to give anymore direct clues. We have such a good friendship I worry that if he wasn’t interested it could ruin it all if he found out how I feel.
And obviously from his side he could be in the same position - unless he just wants to be friends and these thoughts haven’t occurred to him …
I value his friendship a lot, which is why I am very hesitant…

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome ☺️ Wow, it really sounds like you've got something special going on with this guy! Spending that much quality time together one on one, flirting, joking around - it definitely seems like there could be more there. I don't blame you for being scared to ruin the friendship, that's totally understandable. But from everything you've said, it really doesn't sound like your feelings would be unrequited.

A few suggestions - next time you're having a deep chat, maybe confide in him about how much you care about him and value your friendship. Tell him it means so much to have him in your life. That could open the door for him to share how he feels too. You never know, he might just need that slight nudge to take the next step.

Or, take it slow and keep doing what you're doing - let things develop organically. It seems like you're both getting comfortable, so let the relationship grow at its own pace. The clarity may come with time as you learn each other even better.

Try not to overthink it! Focus on enjoying your time together and being open with your caring for each other. The rest will work itself out. You got this! Keep me posted on what happens, and know that no matter what, your friendship will stay strong. He'd be lucky to have you!

[236color]

You are the poor guys dream come true. He hasn't hung around this long because he didn't want you. Go for it, 99.9% chance he'll be THRILLED. On the off chance I'm wrong, unlike girls who tend to stick out when the guy they don't want crushes on them, guys can usually go, "Oh, gee sorry, not really I to that. Want to go to a movie?" and drive on. I really doubt that will happen though. My guess is he's going to feel like he won the lottery.

[Anonymous]

Maybe what your really asking is, "how do I manage my own feelings here?". Which is a better question (I don't think a friendship can be ruined, only out grown or becoming fixed).

Remember this, if you don't express how you feel, regret is 100x worse than rejection or causing him hurt.

Your only true way to understand his motivation is to first, reveal your position (start small and work up if your already in love, just so not as to overwhelm him out the gate) and then ask what he's thinking about your connection together.

If you simply try to 'feel out' what his feeling might be, you'll open yourself up to going too far either side of what's real with your infered understanding. Either you'll end up in a mess, falling in love with the idea of what your sensing his feelings are or you'll push him away confusingly in fear he doesn't have enough of them (I know because I've done that myself most of my life and I royally regret it).

[Asker]

Thank you for your reply, this a good point.

I definitely don’t want to end up regretting not telling him and seeing if he feels the same.
Just working up the courage to somehow get that message across.

He is just genuinely the nicest, funniest, most helpful and caring guy I know.

My feelings for him have definitely grown stronger as we have spent more time together and got to know each other better. I like to think that this isn’t just all based on the idea of what I think but actually on our interactions and the way he treats me, but I totally get what you are saying and while overthinking everything I might obviously be completely off. I’d definitely end in a mess if he doesn’t feel the same - I feel I am past just a little crush…. It’s gotten quite ‘bad’

[Opinion Owner]

Good luck! I hope everything works out the way you hope :). Goes for us both ~smiile

[JacobJordan]

I'll tell you the same thing I told another lady. Tell him "hey we should go to dinner" this is fantastically ambiguous. If he is favorable tell him to let you know when. Let's him lead. Make sure you dress up a bit if you are interested. If he is interested he will dress up too. If he doesn't you will know and if you dressing up comes up then you can always excuse it with something "I wanted to look nice its been a while since I ate at a restaurant"

[TheSpaceGnome]

You just have to tell him you like him and see what happens.
If you let fear stop you from admitting you like someone, you'll be alone forever.

You already started it the right way, so tell him what you want.

The worst he can do is say no, and stop talking to you, and if he's going to do that, he needs to do it now, so you can start over the same way with a new best friend, and then ask them out and see what happens.

[spartan55]

Letting someone know you are interested requires vulnerability. There is no way around it.

[Slapmynuts]

It wouldn't hurt to ask him. If he is truly just a good friend, you have nothing to lose all all to gain!😁

[yusufonay]

Play different mind games with her and keep playing until she realizes that she likes you.

[spoole]

Flirt with him hard. You are way past being friends already in your mind. Nothing to lose.

[HouseMoat]

You can't. You will lose a friend, no matter what happens

[laly520]

just ask him n be direct

[Avicenna]

Can you send hints with plausible deniability?

[Asker]

I might have to come up with a few ideas to do that, this might work - though hinting at it might not be picked up - and what I would really be doing is sending clues in the hope that we would take the risk of opening up (if indeed he feels that way) also doesn’t seem fair in a way

[Tharithi]

Sounds like friendship. Nothing Romantic

[KrakenAttackin]

What do you want from him?

[Asker]

I’d love to be his girlfriend

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker... Than make that clear to him. I bet he wants to be your boyfriend more than anything. Maybe say something like " how about we go to brunch, like a real date"?

[Asker]

So far I have been too scared to try that. I probably should. As you can tell I am not good at that

[KrakenAttackin]

I bet he will be very receptive to being your boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Just ask them no big deal

[In_Trance]

You can't