Boyfriend has been lying all this time?

Question

Hey,

so today i’m desperately in need of advice because I’m tired and feel drained from my relationship.

i’ve been dating mr perfect for almost 2 years (mr perfect cos he’s a good guy and has always treated me right) We moved in together straight away, , even though I knew his past was not ideal (had been a cocaine addict). He promised me he went to rehab, and that it was all over. so I decided to trust him and become his girlfriend.

the first month of our relationship we did long distance for 2 months and I found out later on that he had done cocaine with his best friend one night. I almost ended the relation ship at that stage, and was very disappointed. He insisted that it was the last time, never again…. Bla bla bla And i accepted his apologies. then he stopped smoking for me, cos I hate cigs… Only to find out, that he smoked at work behind my back. I made him spit it out one day when I smelled cigarette from his throat. He said it wasn’t true a few times, and then admitted he hadn’t actually stopped smoking, but promised that this time he would never touch a cig again. I felt my trust swindling down but OK.

at least 6 months later, I am CONVINCED he is not a smoker anymore…. Until one night where I'm sick and he still decides to go out with friends (I was super pissed cos I thought he would make me a priority when sick but no). He came home super late and I waited 2 weeks after that night to ask him if he had smoked… He said no at first and then said "ok fine 1-2 hits". And made me seem psycho for getting mad.

i can't help but call him names and get so angry and betrayed I want to throw shit at him and get agressive. how can you openly lie. i don't get it? if he were honest on the spot, I would be open to help him. but the fact that he waits for me to ask the question, then lie, and then say partly the truth, is killing me. i have big trust issues now. how can i be sure he isn't gonna take it a step further and cheat or do nasty things and lie again?

help.

JoePro_ · Accepted Answer

I think two things, particularly since I'm in the field of substance use counseling. I'm newish to the field, but still have lots of experience with it with family and friends.

First, I want to address your framework for how you're looking at his "bad habits". Culturally, I think we're often taught that things like addiction are just bad habits, with little more sway than learning to put a toilet seat down, or something similar. However, addiction recovery (in real life) is a process. There's almost always a chemical aspect to it, and many times a coping aspect to it. Often times, someone in recovery will have many failures along the way. If you want to be truly helpful to him, you need to do a few things. First, is realize that he might continue to fail. This might help you feel a little less frustration along the way, feeling like he's just not listening to you, because that's probably not the case. Addiction is tough. He will fail several times (at least) along the road to recovery. So be patient, take every success as a victory, and every failure with a grain of salt. Be positive when he's doing good, and try to be more neutral when he's not. Second, I recommend seeing if he's will to get counseling for his substance use. Counseling can help him build a framework for how to view his substance use, and teach him how to mitigate situations which might cause him to fail on his to recovery. And third, I would learn "motivational interviewing" techniques. These are techniques that many counselors know how to use, and to put it briefly, it's a communication technique that pulls from the individual goals and desires, reminds them of why they hate the substance, and tries to point the individual to the benefits of quitting, all based on how the individual feels about it, thinks about it, etc. There are tons of YouTube videos about it, classes online for different addiction recovery organizations, and some places, especially if you're near large cities, might have training you pay for, but with a comprehensive training plan and direct coaching.

Second, you're not wrong to feel frustrated. And you need to set some firm boundaries with him, which includes getting counseling help. But among other things, he needs to stop lying to you, because lying makes it feel worse. And if he's not willing to fall within these boundaries, it's probably best you move on. If he doesn't want help, you're not going to change that for him. People who are forced into treatment programs often fail out of them, because they don't actually want to change. So if he wants to change, great. He needs to get counseling for his addictions, and he needs to stop lying to you about it. You'll want him to know that you want to support him, but you can't if you don't know what's going on.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

Until he addresses the root causes of his addictions he will keep doing it. Your imposed boundaries will not stop him.

So your choices are to accept him as he is and hope he works on himself or leave.

Thise are strong drugs. My wife accepts me as a junkie and I've made some progress but i still relapse. She knows it when she finds her chocolate truffles missing … it might be me. Sugar is a drug. Coffee is a drug.
Im with you… i would not accept those two addictions and id leave. I dont accept druggies… because as you found out… cannot rely in them. The drug takes precident over ALL else. How you gonna trust him w kids or finance.

2yrs clean certified by accountability partner aling with therapist undercovering the inderlyinge trauma and resolving. That give some confidence.

_Maya_ · Accepted Answer

So... Mr perfect is a drug addict? I'm not sure how one calls someone Mr perfect with all the crap he has going on unless you mean you thought he was perfect at the beginning of the relationship and don't now. This part says it all to me...

"so today i’m desperately in need of advice because I’m tired and feel drained from my relationship"

So get out of it. Absolutely nothing you wrote sounds like this is a functioning relationship. You also say you have trust issues. Do you think those will go away? If you do you are severely mistaken. They won't. They are only going to grow. This is a broken relationship and you need to leave him. There is no other option in my mind.

Daniela1982 · Accepted Answer

He's a good guy? Even though he is a habitual liar and not giving a shit about you? I'd hate to see your definition of a bad guy. You are just another number in a line of millions who puts up with this kind of crap. Do yourself a favor and get rid of this guy. He obviously can't be trusted, especially at telling the truth. If you stay with this guy then it's on you and you can't complain.

Confused6333 · Answer

Coming from someone who is currently in a relationship with a recovering cocaine addict.. you cannot help him. Only he can help him. You cannot force him to quit smoking or get sober, and if anything the nagging is probably pushing him to do it. When he’s ready/if ever to make the change he will. My boyfriend getting arrested for possession is what caused him to finally get sober and stay clean. He goes to AA every weekend by his choice and neither one of us drink or allow alcohol around us anymore. Cocaine done sober is one thing and something completely different when you’re drunk. If he only uses when drinking, the problem is alcohol in my opinion - as cocaine when drunk allows you to sober up and drink more. If he’s doing it without alcohol then that’s a harder habit to break in my personal opinion. People, places, and things. All of that has to change. To me it sounds like he doesn’t want to lose you but doesn’t want to lose the addiction yet either, hence the lying and secrets. I know it’s easy to be angry, but try to remember that he’s dealing with addiction. You don’t have to put up with it and you don’t have to be a part of it, but if you’re serious about being with him and sticking through by his side then you absolutely cannot enable his behavior in any way. If it gets to be too much and you cannot deal with the addiction anymore, leave. If my boyfriend had not changed his ways and got sober after being arrested I would have left as well. Now we’ve found new, healthy ways to enjoy our time together.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Telling lies to hide things is what addicts do. Every alcoholic doesn't drink non-stop. Some of them drink episodically and still manage to go to work every day. Like those alcoholics, he is primarily functional. . . but still an addict.

You can't save him from himself and you can't make him change. Ultimatums never work. Here are your options:

1. You can decide to accept him as he is and be prepared to live like this for the rest of your life. Be prepared for your future children to also be addicts.

2. You can leave him now to avoid wasting even more of your life.

3. You can tell him that the next time this happens, you will leave him. . . but that just delays the inevitable and wastes more of your life.

Your choice!

JosyJosy · Answer

I like you. "Mr. Perfect". You've been very forgiving. If he lied to me once I would have just dumped him.

I lied so many times, but you keep taking him back. He keeps getting away with it. You give him a slap on the wrist and he's good. Stop that. Break up. I'm questioning why these two people are a couple. It's going to keep happening if you let it. If he does it once, shame on him. But he's done it a few times now, you need to learn that he isn't right for you. Find yourself a man of his word.

The moment a promise is broken, it doesn't matter what he says anymore.

Anonymous · Answer

I’m going to be honest. Just reading your responses to others tells me all I need to know. You’re upset about the lies…but yet you’re not LEAVING. No judgment but how can you be with someone that lies about little things like smoking drugs let alone lying about smoking cigarettes lol. You trying to make excuses and be “understanding” is your own downfall. Until your ready to actually leave him I would hush because you’re not setting boundaries. Y’all only been together for two years & he’s already falling apart.

Sis you need a new move on or just be single and learn yourself again cause this ain’t it for you honey! It seems like y’all really don’t know each other

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

You have to understand the basics of any addiction.

Addicts will lie and steal and cheat and do ANYTHING for a fix. I'm sorry, but you asked him to quit for you and you were wrong. ONLY one person on this planet who can make him stop and that is him. You either have to accept it or leave. He won't give up for you because he can't. That is what addiction is all about.

I apologise, because there ARE cases where people have stopped for others, but it's really not the norm!

JacobJordan · Answer

You need a therapist. And you should have ended that relationship a long time ago. You are ignoring red flags like an idiot and then getting mad when he continues to show you the same damn red flags. When someone shows you who they are or tells you who they are... believe them the first time.

LadyKitty · Answer

Look, If he is a smoker the likelyhood of him stopping is low. You need to stop forgiving him when he messes up also if he has done cocaine etc then he is not mr perfect. There is no such thing as one because everyone has flaws and you have to choose what you are willing to handle etc.

Wiredone · Answer

Honey, once an addict always an addict. He has lied to you over and over. He's addicted to lying to you. It's not going to stop. It's only going to get worse. He is playing the "victim " here. He can't do no wrong in his eyes. His priorities are all screwed up. If you want to live a life of misery, keep dating him.

You deserve much better than what he's offering.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

People with addictive personalities will always struggle with addiction. If he is no longer using cocaine, that is HUGE, give the guy some credit! It's clear he has other additions, but one thing at a time. He will always struggle with addiction.

Your constantly trying to change him is driving his addiction.

Big_Country · Answer

I hope by calling him Mr perfect you are joking? Seriously? Either except him as he is or simply move on. He was doing these things when you met him, why would he stop? You are staying with him while he is doing these things so why would he stop? I'm not being rude, just honest.

spartan55 · Answer

Mr. Perfect is a liar. Stop giving that fuckhead the benefit of the doubt. He is going to smoke, and he is going to use cocaine. He doesn't want to stop.

Cherry189 · Answer

Leave, if he can't quit or find a non lethal in the long run alternative and feels comfortable enough to lie all the time about it without any change or remorse- leave.

worldscolide · Answer

Why are you with a loser? Seriously do you want to raise a family with a drug addict? You can't fix people like him, Unless he wants to stop the drugs he will never change. Just freaking leave him.

Benjiman19 · Answer

If he can't stop after all this time and still is lying to you, why stay in the relationship? He's not going to stop his bad habits. No reason for you to waste your life trying to change a man who is not going to change no matter what you do.

Paris13 · Answer

I am Sad to Say-----You will always Be Wary and Worrisome of Him. He cannot ever Be Trusted unless He Proves Himself a NO LIAR. xxoo

Billlewis · Answer

I think you should seriously consider finding yourself a new boyfriend.

EmmaMary · Answer

REPORTED ... DUPLICATE .

Alex-Snow · Answer

The lying sucks and I do not see how that will improve. Does he need rehab for the coke issue? Has it messed with your sex life with him? Maybe it is time to move on? Ur thoughts?

Fireguy17 · Answer

Easy, dump his sorry ass and move on to find someone you can trust.

Anonymous · Answer

A man that lies is no mr perfect and cocaine... well now

Boyfriend has been lying all this time?

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