I confessed my feelings for my online bestie, but he told me he's not ready for a relationship and wants to stay just besties. what should I do?

[Anonymous]

i confessed my feelings for my online bestie the other day. we've known each other for about only one and a half months but i found myself already liking him that way and wishing we were together as partners, not just besties. this is rare for me, as i've rarely had a crush. we are very compatible and my intuition has been telling me he's the one. both of us havb never been in a relationship yet even though we're uni age. at the very begging, we used to be flirty and playful and he even said he might already like me romantically too, but after a few days, he said he rushed into it a bit too much just because he assumed getting into a relationship would make him feel better but he realized he'd first have to focus on himself through selfcare and improve his self confidence and stuff before getting into relationship and he's not ready for it, especially long distance. also, he said he doesn't know if he really likes me romantically and he's learned not to fall in love easily online from his past experience. i then asked him if there's any chance we could be together in the future after we meet up (probably next year, this December at the earliest but next summer is more likely, but neither is set so i can't be sure ) , but he said he doesn't know because the future is unpredictable to anyone, which is true and he also kept saying he doesn't want me to wait on him since when we meet up and he decides we can't date i'd get hurt and he'd feel bad for making me wait only to get rejected after all in the end and he just wants me to be happy. but i can't help hoping we can be together in the future. should i completely move on from now already ( it'd take time ofc, but i'm resilient so i think i can train myself over time to move on and just stay besties with him ) or is it okay for me to let myself continue liking him that way and secretly wait for him to judge when he comes to my country sometime hopefully next year.

let myself continue having feelings for him untill we meet up

gradually start to move on

[Anonymous]

Okay, so its an immediate worry if a guy turns around and says he's "not ready". It means he's at least thinking or feeling something isn't quite sitting with him to say your certainly the one. That said, that doesn't mean he might not come to realise you are.

I would say, you need to not double guess yourself and how to position your feelings; Your best approach is to go out and meet people, proritise your life and acknowledge if he is not remotely prioritising your, you shouldn't either overly prioritise him. That said, any incling that this could be something serious, you must be carefult to honour yourself and the possibilities. Each person has an ideal relationship, for many its one of fidelity, for others its about feelings of intimacy alone. So you need to figure out how you might feel if this guy started getting serious with someone else, and think to yourself what would you want him to understand before that happened such that if it did happen you can let things go knowing you honoured your needs and any change in his position is a true indicator of whats right for him, not leaving you feeling if maybe you did some thing different it might be another way.

I can't stress enough this is MOST important. Don't try to predict the future, or predecide how to feel, acknowledge what your feeling and then consider what that feeling would 'regret' and make sure you've done all the things that will mean if things work out other than you might like your okay and can feel you did the right things for YOU in this context.

So, I'd say my advice is, recognise what this is, be aware its special (as you are), communicate to how what makes it particlularly special and what you might like (but also what you don't want, politely and without offence) and then go about living your life meeting other guys until such a time as this guy reaalises maybe he doesn't want to lose the same things you maybe didn't want to lose.

Like I say everyones different, for me its fidelity and alignment (meaning being on same page and having same ideals, and starting from a position of equals; That is generally, if I'm not seeing other girls romantically, I'd expect her to not see other men likewise (but I wouldn't expect her to not spend time with other guys and girls as friends, and just the respect to communicate with me before it becomes anything involved etc).

So, bascially:

o Communicate what you would and wouldn't want
o Keep enjoying your connection, but also don't let opportunities in your life pass for that unless they are showing a real desire to commit themselves to you likewise
o Talk honestly and openly about anyone you may meet and expect him to do the same
o If you really think you might be ideal for each otehr, agree together to not idly start any new relationship (aka stick to just friendships, until you work out where your both at romantically).

Best of luck

[Asker]

thank you for your opinion!
I honestly do understand he just wants to stay friends considering how short we've known each other. and as there's no guarantee we can be together in the future, i think its important for me not to fixate on that slim possibility and not to get too absorbed in him. and i think the main reason he turned me down is he can't be sure about the romantic aspect and also if we can work out romantically (he seems to think they're gaps between us even though i told him we'd never know unless we give it a try and we would be able to overcome the differences)
you listed 'communicate what you would and what you wouldn't' in the summary part. Do you mean i should tell him what i want , which is i want to be partners with him and what kind of relationship i'd like in detail? what makes me think we're a good match and why i like him and what i wouldn't want ( which is honestly i don't want him to find someone else but thats not something i should tell him i think because who he wants to be with is completely up to him? could you elaborate more on this part?

[Opinion Owner]

So, you should let him know he's someone you could be serious about (as a possible) and ask him what he's looking for in a serious relationship. If he says he's not looking for something serious, ask what he is looking for, get him to talk about the way he sees his future. This way, if they guy goes clearly in a direction your unwilling or not wishing to follow (e. g. his idea of his future is not anywhere near yours) you can just stay quiet and thank him for sharing that. If though, what he says, is enough for you to keep feeling there might be some hope here, start to talk about what your looking for (if he's a good potential he should naturally ask you in return, watch out for him being cagey, meaning trying to leave all the talking to you; If you find he's not willing to speak about his ideas, thats a huge red flag, if you put it down to maybe shyness give a short example from your version, not giving too much away and then go, 'and you?' if he stays clamed up, don't give him more of you, it needs to be two sided and you don't want to be vunerable to someone who might not be playing a fair game).

The most important thing is to do the set of things which leave you feeling like you made your position clear, so any choice he chooses to make isn't anything you failed to leave an opening for so whatever the outcome is comfy and you can go 'well, if it was meant to be, I did my part'.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Love works in mysterious ways & when it comes to love like a lot of things if you never try you will never know & don’t be afraid to try & keep on trying. As for the heart the heart wants what the heart wants & sometimes the heart can’t always have what it really wants & sometimes hearts do get broken.

As for confessing your feelings that is such a wonderful thing & I really wish more people would do that & as for you I’m proud of you.

As for your online bestie it’s his loss & maybe one day things will change but in the meantime maybe you should find an offline bestie instead.

[Anonymous]

I think you should spend some time away from him so that you can get over your feelings, then maybe revisit once things are back to platonic. Go outside, hang out with your friends, if you’re chronically online or in gaming communities or whatever the case may be, then that’s how you will run into these pointless connections. I say pointless because after only a month and some change this is not and should not be your bestie. He’s just a guy you’ve connected with who has no intentions other than keeping you in the friendzone. If I were you I’d want more for myself than that.

[Asker]

thank you for your opinion! i'm not really an online social media person and i don't play games. i'll meet a lot of new people with school starting very soon as well. it's been only a bit over a month but we've clicked so well that i've felt this way. I also understand he wants to just stay friends considering the short period of time. but i also recognize i shouldn't be too invested in the slim chance we could end up together in the future.

[Drew-1990]

I think you need to move on I have actually been in something similar I did not plan or expect. A little different but very similar. The fact that he isn't saying the future is possible tells me he may not be ready for a long time if ever for your situation. You can't drag yourself through that. I'm not saying cut him off but maybe if feelings are involved you should start slowly down and not talking as much. Maybe if he misses you he will change his mind but don't put hope on that. Again I have something similar and it's me too I have something about myself I need to work on first before anything but I recognize there is maybe something ok once I work through that and I have a time table. Me and her both decided not to message every day anymore and no longer do late nights like we were. With him being completely unsure it will be better for yourself to slowly move on and find someone else.

[Asker]

thank you for your opinion! i see, to clarify, i'd like to ask you a few questions.
in your case is it correct you turned down her confession and you two agreed not to talk as much? and do you think you won't fall in love with her in the future so that's why you also expect my friend also probably won't and i should move on?
well i'll be much busier with school from next week, so i honestly think we won't be able to chat as much as we have so far anyway. and i'm not actively looking for a relationship or anything (neither is he) but i think i should not fixate on him and keep an open mind as you suggested :))

[Drew-1990]

For me I think it's definitely possible I could there are a couple things I'm not going to get into honestly, ours is probably a little more unique situation honestly and like I said I have something I need to work on before I can date. I think he is way too unsure in my opinion, I was a little too but not as much as you described him honestly. We slowed down to prevent feelings honestly at least right now.
And I do think that is a good idea for you if you both are not looking for a relationship and slowly down not talking as much should help you move back. So yes I agree don't fixate on him, keep a open mind you may find someone closer to you, or that is sure about you right now or it's possible in the future he maybe sure if you keep him as a friend and you can pick back up IF you are still single. I wish you luck

[Anonymous]

Move on

[Asker]

thank you for your opinion! could i ask why you think so?