How can you attract the wrong girls if your a good person?

[Anonymous]

Like I’m shy and quiet I don’t ever approach women except for this girl who I was in a relationship with and it turned out she was abusive. I also have major self esteem issues

[MrOracle]

Vetting potential partners is YOUR responsibility - meaning, it's the responsibility of anyone and everyone who is considering a partner. You cannot just ASSUME someone is a good person, and them being physically attractive does NOT mean they are a good person (in fact, it often means the opposite). It's your job to ask a lot of questions about their morals, values, and life-goals and to make sure those answers are compatible with your answers to the same questions.

Don't waste too much time worrying about what kind of music they like or what their favorite ice cream flavor is - those things matter very little to the long-term success of a relationship - the things that matter the most (BY FAR) are morals, values, and life-goals.

Accept going in that many people you meet and initially find attractive are NOT going to pass your vetting. That's not a failure on your part, it's a success - it means the vetting process is working.

Things you should NOT be holding to high standards: their physical beauty, their money/income, their job/status, or anything else that might get you "points" on Instagram - because none of that crap means anything in a relationship. You could have everything you wanted in these areas and if their morals, values, and life-goals don't align with yours, you will not be happy being with them once the honeymoon period is over. I'm not saying you need to date trolls or bums, but you should not be holding out for supermodels or billionaires or NBA players either. You are NOT on that level (nor are 99.99999999% of people), and your current status is all the proof of that you need. If you were a supermodel or a billionaire, you'd already be living that lifestyle.

This isn't what most people want to hear - idiot parents have taught their kids that they are "special" and "unique" and "deserve nothing but the very best", but that's bullshit. You are ORDINARY, like almost everyone else, and you deserve only what you earn and only what value you can deliver, and not a thing more than that. There's nothing wrong with being ordinary or average, though some people are positively offended by the idea that they aren't special - and such people are a red flag that you are best staying far away from.

[RebelinSteel]

What you describe about being shy and major self esteem issue is what attracts abusive people like moths to the flame.

It could be a girl or guy that is shy and self esteem issues, however a person who is abusive will likely identify them and be attracted.

[DishLady]

Contributing factors can include:
(1) Wrong place, wrong time.
(2) Wrong attitude about yourself (low self-esteem etc.)
(3) Wrong attitude about women (their value and purpose in your life)

Basically being a good guy doesn't guarantee you'll get the good (or right) girl. You need to build the right social skills, etc. for the girls to start showing interest in you.

[Asker]

I have horrible self esteem, I have poor social skills due to being on the autism spectrum so that’s never likely to improve. I honestly have somewhat developed the mindset that I get what I get because how can I be picky being in the spot I’m in

[DishLady]

So some of it is probably the spectrum messing with your sense of which girls are the right ones for you… which then tugs at your self esteem. Just be patient with yourself. Try keeping a journal and jot down things you didn’t like (or that were wrong) with the last girl you picked, that way you can review it whenever you need to and avoid a girl who is bad for you in the future.

[Akam93]

Cause people are deceiving.