Guys, Why would he say "stay in touch" if he has a girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

I met this guy professionally and I felt we had great chemistry - he encouraged me to stay in touch from the start. He is very responsive when I reach out asking for his help and so sweet. We spoke a few times and so I asked him to meet for coffee as I enjoyed talking with him. At this point I did not know he had a girlfriend. I did ask him what he was up to on weekends and he never mentioned anyone. When I asked to meet for coffee, he did not clearly answer, but then told me to "stay in touch". I found out about his girlfriend on social media because she tagged him in a photo. Why wouldn't he just tell me he has a girlfriend when I asked him for coffee when I have clearly been flirting with him and he appears to reciprocate the interest but won't actually escalate anything? It had me confused. I was beginning to feel like I imagined things or that I did something wrong. If he wasn't interested, I would have imagined after I asked to meet up, he wouldn't encourage further contact by saying to stay in touch? And now I am confused as to whether he genuinely wants to be in touch but doesn't want me to know about his girlfriend? He could have simply mentioned her when explaining his plans over the weekend that she tagged him in. FYI, he does not know that I know about the girlfriend.

[MrOracle]

My guess is that he's enjoying the attention but he isn't really looking to do anything but talk. My guess is that he's not always had the easiest time with women and so it's hard for him to resist the attention he's getting.

If he intended to try to cheat on his girlfriend with you, he'd likely have been much more forward, and since he wasn't, I think he's just enjoying the attention. I'm not saying that's okay - I don't believe in leading people on or otherwise being unclear - I'm just explaining what I believe he's doing and thinking. Obviously I don't know him and could be mistaken.

[Finchie40]

Because he was debating on whether he should go with you or not, considering he has a girlfriend, He is basically contemplating on whether he should cheat on his girlfriend with you or not? If he does end up going with you? Understand he more than likely wants to hook up with you and probably have sex with you. Don’t think otherwise

[Asker]

that's helpful from a guy - but what is odd is why is there a choice in just meeting for coffee with someone you met professionally? I did not ask him on a date. We were discussing a professional topic and I realized in that moment how much I like him and so I said we should do this again over coffee. He smiled and said yea we can discuss the topic more perhaps. But that was it and then before we got off the call he said "stay in touch..." He doesn't need to cheat on anyone just to have coffee right? But it now feels like there is some kind of tension and he is acting weird. Hence why I almost wonder if I imagined we were into each other now that I know he has a girlfriend.

[Finchie40]

He might assume you were flirting with him and assumed you wanted more than just friendship with him , he didn’t want to come off as being rude to you because it sounds like he likes you as well as a friend , but since he does have a girlfriend already , he doesn’t want to hurt his girlfriend’s feelings. Most relationships consist on not having opposite sex friendships mainly out of respect for the relationship itself. Having coffee with you the first time was mainly for work purposes but going on a second coffee date sounds like it’s opening doors to possibly being more , so it sounds like he didn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you No , he probably didn’t want you getting the wrong impression

[Asker]

sorry for confusion, we were speaking on FaceTime. We never had coffee in person - that is why I wanted to meet him and I do like him as more than a friend but I wasn't asking him on a date - I wanted to explore the chemistry in person as we have spoken on calls multiple times now after we first met and I always sensed the chemistry. I also DO flirt a little but only after I sensed HE was flirting with me. He for example was the one to move our calls off linkedin and onto FaceTime. But I see your point. Maybe he knows there is "something". Would you agree if he werent attracted, he would just think its buddies and perhaps mention his girlfriend?

[Finchie40]

Well if he is flirting with you as well , than it sounds like he is attracted too you , but doesn’t want to do anything to hurt his girlfriends feelings Some people that are already in relationships like to flirt and feel like they are still desirable and wanted by other people , they will flirt for a bit and than realize Shit !! I have a partner already that I don’t want to hurt, so they start to back off of flirting and end the conversation. They don’t hate the person they are flirting with they just know they don’t want to cross any lines with the person they are flirting with , but some do cross the line , so the fact that he didn’t? Shows he locates about his girlfriend

[Asker]

thanks your responses have been helpful. I think that makes him a good person which ironically makes me like him more LOL. Last question: in your opinion, do you not think, if he were NOT attracted, he would just go for the coffee? like wouldn't it just be no big deal then?

[Finchie40]

I would say probably not , it sounds like he is devoted to his girlfriend , or he doesn’t want his girlfriend to get the wrong impression about him going with another girl to get coffee. It’s a respect thing. Now if he didn’t really care about his girlfriend and he found you to be more attractive than his girlfriend, he would more than likely say yes to meeting you for coffee , especially since he was flirting with you and his intentions would probably be to get you naked in his arms, but the question is , would you be in his arms if he decided he wanted you instead?

[Asker]

Only if he wanted to break up with his girlfriend and pursue something with me properly. Thanks this is helpful. I was offended at first by him. Now I think it's clear from these responses. He probably is just being a decent boyfriend and unless that relationship ends, he doesn't feel right having coffee with someone he is attracted to, but also doesn't want to completely kill the chances of it happening in the future should they break up.

[Finchie40]

That’s only if they break up , and are you going to wait to see if that happens or will you pursue someone else

[Asker]

I am going to move on for now because the right one for me won't be a person I have to forcefully try to convince to leave another relationship. If that happens naturally then we will find our way to each other naturally.

[Finchie40]

Yea you are best to move on and find someone that is actually single

[JTinSC1981]

My take:

He has a girlfriend but the relationship is not good and may end soon. He wants you to be available for him when that happens. I don't see anything wrong with that. It's not like he's married.

[Asker]

that is what a friend of mine said. Thanks. To play devils advocate: if you were this guy and NOT attracted/ interested, how would you behave differently, or would you?

[privateanon]

Agreed. If he weren't interested in anything more then he would just go for the coffee professionally OR he would say he can't and not ask you to stay in touch because he wouldn't want you to after he thought you hit on him. Only reason to not go, but ask you to keep in touch is because he's interested in something else but not ready to pull the trigger on it yet.

[RavVid]

He would quite like a side chick (we all would) but is unsure of the consequences.

His current girlfriend is a known quantity but as yet you aren't despite his attraction to you.

So I think he wants to keep you in play while thinks more.

[OfMiceandMen]

Well... if his current relationship goes down in blaze of glory, he can always give you a call. It's a nice way of saying, I am taken for now, but you can be my back-up plan.

[Asker]

Thanks - why do you reckon he did not mention his girlfriend casually, so that I know he has one?

[OfMiceandMen]

He didn't know how you would react. It could go either way, right.

[Bryan457]

Both my parents are of two different races. And here I am people say I look like my mom, however my Asian family is very much Muslim and as a result see me as another race separate from them. With my father's family they have written me off since I was a kid

So yes... Interracial relationships lead to my Conception. And I wouldn't be alive it it hadn't happened. However this can lead to your Child having an identity crisis. I am still dealing with my identity crisis as my mom is Asian and my dad is Of Eurasian decent

[Bryan457]

Oops 😬 wrong thread.. I feel so embarrassed 😬🙏🙏🙏🥺😲😯😮

[DaBiggestBird]

Either he’s one of those guys who likes helping people but when it comes to girls he always makes it look like he has a crush on them, or he is just another average Joe playing games with peoples emotions.

[Gent207-2]

Your the other woman

You dodged a bullet

[Iron_Man]

Have you ever heard of a back up quarterback just in case that’s wrong but sometimes guys do that

[DrPepper12]

Its an ego gratification thing. he's telling himself there's an exit strategy.

[handsomelad70]

He's looking at you as a potential next girlfriend.

[ProbablyClueless]

Sometimes guys just genuinely enjoy interacting with women as people. As crazy as that sounds in today's time; those sorts of people do exist.

[OlderAndWiser]

He thinks you would be a great backup plan.

[MrDaveAPSI]

Are you saying the guys and girls can't be "just friends", then?

[DextroShade]

He wants you as a side piece.

[strateguy632]

for *frend zone

[In_Trance]

You're an option

[Asker]

why does he need "options" if he has a girlfriend who is clearly obsessed with him based on her social media? She has him plastered all over her account in nearly every post lol. I meet guys with gfs or wives for networking coffee all the time and it's never an issue. Don't see why he couldn't do the same while having a girlfriend as well if he isn't available. See why it is strange for me? He will talk to me but won't meet me, and yet encourages me to stay in touch and is very responsive.

[In_Trance]

Don't believe anything you see on social media

[Asker]

thanks