Why was I annoying enough that my boyfriend screamed he needed space & time (but that we weren't breaking up)?

[tennisnonpro123]

Routinely (about once a week), my boyfriend, who drinks a lot, will say he's going out w coworkers or "the guys" and it's always "significant others not invited." I don't ever say anything even though I'm disappointed, & even when we ARE together, it's usually around other people (think, we meet at our fave restaurant after not seeing each other 5 days and he goes to sit at the bar instead of a table, and invites other people or talks to the bartender at length instead of me). He's never great at texting, but on these occasions (and other nights we aren't together), he'll disappear completely until like noon the next day. He did this repeatedly and when I tried to bring it up kindly "I think we have different expectations for communciation - I've asked if you could send me 1 single text in a night, that you got home safe, instead of disappearing till the next day & you keep not doing it"... he started screaming at me and calling me f***ing insecure. It's lame to me that I would even need to "ask" him to text me this much. Obviously he sees it as a problem. I'm not controlling or demanding of anything else though, so I do not understand why you'd need 2 weeks of "space/time" over this. He says we aren't seeing other people but isn't making any effort to fix things? How could I be this bad?

Updates

7 mo

I should add that he routinely drinks 3-5 liquor drinks (in addition to more before we go out) then drives and I’ve felt the car swerve on more than 1 occasion so it’s not like I wouldn’t want a home safe text

[Anonymous]

Ok o why are you still w him. Either get used to it or move on. Will he change? Maybe. But how long from now? Months? Years? Move on. He probably young like you so he’s doing what he wants to do. He probably really hasn’t had to check-in w anyone other than his parents when he was younger so he doesn’t like having to check-in w you. Most men, especially that age feel invincible. I’m a grown man I can take care of myself. I don’t need to check-in w anyone. I was the same way. Drank a lot. Patties. Stayed out late. He’s not ready to be w someone tied down. Sounds like he could be an alcoholic. You ever had family, mother or father who was alcoholic? Maybe that’s why you stay around. Chances are he will start blaming you for his drinking, especially this even though it may not be excessive. He’s going to say you’re controlling, always trying to control where I go or who I’m a. You constantly bother me through text expecting me to check-in. If he’s an alcoholic you can’t help him. He needs to discover that for himself. So either walk as much as you care for him or be prepared to go through a hurricane of a relationship for who knows how long.

[ohsheeT]

He's trying to make you a co dependent..

He's an alcoholic, and you have to understand what that means it's not about you, it's about him what are these days something will happen? And he will have to deal with it

And if you're still with him so are you

The only way that you can help him. The only way that you can truly love him is to walk away


And that means he has to make a choice , alcohol or you

Of course it's going to be alcohol but but if he truly does about you here and there

But you have to understand the disease is not in its head anymore is in his body. It's his body that crazy alcohol

He will tell you he can stop anytime. He wants that's his mind talking

It is body won't let him do that because it craves. It needs that alcohol in his body the function

To be honest with you, this is not about you anymore. This is about him, he needs help. You can tell that a million times you're not going to listen, he's gonna tell you to get lost because he knows better. He thinks

But this is no life for you.
Did not sign up for this and this is not love.
You're gonna find you're gonna have to make some hard choices

I'm sorry to say that, but it is true. And he's not going to listen to you. He's not going to do anything except for keep drinking until he either gets put in jail or kill somebody, driving or kills himself. With alcohol or driving , but being under the influence for sure

I feel bad for you because you're living in life that you didn't sign up for just because you're worried and you love somebody , but they don't see it that way they only see it as you're messing around with their drinking time

[ohsheeT]

By getting on his car with him is a big mistake to . you have to understand the odds are against him it's just a matter of time when it happens

[Zionne]

It doesn’t sound like you did anything “bad”, you were expressing a reasonable need for basic communication and reassurance. His reaction likely says more about his inability to handle accountability, set boundaries healthily, or manage conflict than about you. Taking “space” can be his way of avoiding responsibility rather than a reflection of your behavior.

[RandomGirl42]

It seems like you are already dating the booze and not him.

[RandomGirl42]

Ty for the MHO.

[WindAtMyBack]

He seems to have a drinking problem. The drinking itself (and need to drink) might be the cause of some of the other issues. Or they might be unrelated.

Either way, you have to ask yourself if you are OK with the relationship as it is. You should not be in a conditional relationship that is only acceptable if he changes. You can't expect people to change. You especially can't expect someone with a drinking problem to change. So you have to honestly ask yourself if things are acceptable as they are.

He's also putting the blame on you for his own actions. You are like anyone else and have your faults. But don't let him twist things around and make you think things are your fault when they aren't. That is controlling behavior.

[Purpleronnie]

From what you have said , especially the lack of any redeeming qualities my first thought is why would you even spend time with this guy?
The drinking for sure is at the heart of this in my opinion but also the fact that he doesn’t seem at all ready to have you or anyone in his life because he is not ready to surrender any part of it or even meet you half way or more importantly treat you with anything more that contempt and dis-respect.


I don’t consider that you have done anything annoying from what you shared in your description.


He isn’t making time for you and isn’t listing and to top that he is distrespectful and immature.


Unless your a doormat , walk away

[aceleon]

i'm not defending the guy by no means but not everyone who is in a relationship wants to engage with their partner this much.

[slatyb]

Why are you dating an alcoholic? Is he the last single man on your planet?

[Alex-Snow]

I would dump the looser. How is ur sex life with him?

[tennisnonpro123]

Bad. He doesn’t even try unless it’s early enough in the day that he hasn’t been drinking and even then, he can keep it up just fine but cannot finish. Sweating no stamina. And he’s very rigid, unwilling to explore or do anything to actually please me

[Alex-Snow]

Dump his ass asap. Do not get in a car with him either if he has been drinking. You deserve some great orgasms and he is not the one to give them to you. Hopefully some solo pleasure helps you a little bit?