Guy's Behavior

My Ex-wife ended up ending our relationship by committing suicide on my 23rd birthday. Still can't "get over" it as a much older Man. Any Suggestions?

I was three US states away at the time at the time the body was discovered so there was no legal suspicion of foul doing on my part. We had dated all throughout highschool and I had married my high school sweetheart four years earlier. I binged hard distilled liquors recklessly hoping to poison myself, never left my apartment and watched nothing but horror movies, online real life death and torture videos, and played real life Russian roulette with my favorite S&W Revolver only to find out that my one.357 round was a dud later.

I eventually got out of the suicide phase myself after the first year without my ex+wife and quitting eating junk food, watching and listening to destructive content, and started caring for my own physical and mental health again. I started working on a landscape crew for the next 6 years and became disciplined though the punitive labor on the job during working hours. The guys did enjoy getting rough and rowdy on Friday nights and we brawled with a few club bouncers and had our trips to the local county jail house.

Wanting something even more I went back to trade school and learned stick and MIG welding. I tried to start my own welding business as a landscaper but my body was far too punished at the end of the day to do much welding. Still waiting more in life I got all of my bar fighting records legally expunged and after the expungements cleared I applied for a career as a Cash In Transit Officer for an Armored Truck Company where I was accepted into employment. As I soon learned programming the ATM machines is far too complicated of a process to complete with a hard liquor habit so I bled it out by having fermented beverages only when I started getting withdrawals at night and kept going down on the amount of fermented drink until I reached the normal one beer or glass of red wine at night. 7 years later I'm still at the same Armored Truck Company but my stick welding skills are good enough for me to take PTO and work the Pipelines.

Updates
7 mo
Despite my accomplishments and development the memories still have some sting and I am trying to find a mentally healthy way to deal with them?
Updates
7 mo
When the Men in the pipeline want to tear up a bar or club after shutdown and ask me if I want to join in I just shake my head with a smile and a laugh and tell them that I want to keep my other career
My Ex-wife ended up ending our relationship by committing suicide on my 23rd birthday. Still can't "get over" it as a much older Man. Any Suggestions?
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