Would you talk to the best man from your wedding?

[DishLady]

Years ago in what feels like a galaxy far, far away, there was a guy... a great fellow, my guy's bff. We'd never met, though we'd apparently traveled in the same circles our entire childhood. Suddenly I'm engaged and my guy tries to relate to me by introducing me to his bff, who's the same religious and ethnic background as I am.

OF COURSE we hit it off right away, but all very PG13. He's very respectful, his mom and dad love me and are VERY supportive, and they all chuckle that I'm "taking the popular guy off the market" (my now ex, who apparently hadn't stopped dating while we were married, meanwhile I was the "save yourself for marriage and be faithful for life" gal... SIGH... moving on...).

Out of the blue... coincidentally... years after I'd cut off contact with all my ex's friends... on the day of my would-be wedding anniversary... we connect on social media. (We play the same word game, apparently... yes, we're dorks.)

He reaches out to ask how I'm doing. Coincidentally, though I'm fine, I'd heard some bad news about my ex's family and suggested, "You should call and check on him."

(I'm not president of my ex's fan club, obviously, but I'd pray for anyone who was struggling. And I won't reach out to my ex bc he was awful to me, but his bff should do it.)

Turns out they haven't had any contact in years... the year of the divorce my ex wanted testimonials against me for court and the bff wouldn't give one. He said I was a good woman.

The guy has been married for years... should be at least 20 years now if he's still with his gal... but I feel awkward chatting with him.

*Would y'all chat with a guy who was best man at your wedding under these circumstances?*

[HawkPerception]

Hooooo... that's a tough one. I think a single cathartic message would suffice. I think it's best to avoid stirring up any drama from the past, but I'd give the guy my best regards and use it as an opportunity to thank him for having faith in your character in the past. I'd also let him know that you wouldn't be reaching out to your ex due to all the emotional turmoil he put you through, and would rather just look ahead in your life.

This is one of those scenarios where it's definitely not black and white. Use your best instinct.

[DishLady]

I think, without saying all that, it's understood. We're from the same background and there's just stuff that one doesn't say.

[OlderAndWiser]

You should determine whether he is married or in a committed relationship. If he is, a one time or very infrequent conversation would be okay, but nothing more. I’m sure you don’t want to cause problems between him and a partner. If he is not in a relationship, go for it. . . And good luck!

[DishLady]

No obviously not. We're talking about his daughter starting middle school and just whatever... just a quick family snapshot to catch up. I just wasn't sure it was ever ok to talk to anyone from my ex's circle again.

[OlderAndWiser]

Just a friendly check-in, and this guy doesn't even talk to your ex any more. . . I don't see the problem in talking to him.

[DishLady]

I actually replied to him expecting to encourage him to say a few kinds words to my ex.

[Ironco]

You're both mature adults. I don't see a problem with it.

I've had friends from the past that have come and gone, some married, some divorced\widowed, it's just a conversation. No harm in reconnecting.

If they are married and one or both of you start pushing the envelope (so to speak) that's different.

[DishLady]

I’m perhaps sensitive to it. I didn’t want to talk about the past, but the chat sort of went there anyway. Out of all my ex’s friends this one was more like a big brother figure to me than the rest. We left it on a positive note and I’m not going to initiate the convo again. Get some space in there.

[MicahRaine]

I don't see any inherent problem with it. If he's still married and he's hiding it from his wife, then yeah obviously that's a big problem. But I don't think you have any reason to believe that. Also like you said, it was all very PG13.

[DishLady]

I mean I wouldn't call it "hiding" since it was literally a few phrases chatting... and yes, total PG13 (even G if you want... no foul language). But I don't think it's something he'd run home to tell her either. I'd hope it's just... "nothing". You know? But I wasn't sure if it was ok to answer... after 10+ years of silence.

[MicahRaine]

Yeah sounds like a nothing burger.

[worldscolide]

He is my best friend, whom I have known since kindergarten, so why not lol. But your case good for him not standing against you during your divorce. I'd do the same, if he divorced and he wanted me to speak I'll of his wife. And I'd never ask him to speak ill of my wife.

[ryanrhino]

You may chat with anyone you like - it's just the content and tone of the conversation that matters. Plus, you're adults, more than enough time has passed to raise anyone's eyebrows and he initiated contact with you.

[spartan55]

Yeah, just use discretion. Shouldn't be an issue.

[DishLady]

I am. Apparently he actually “disowned” my ex as an association and says he wouldn’t have the slightest idea what to say to the guy (as opposed to me, who has a cultural/familial tie with him). We’re just chill and talking about kids and work. Simple stuff.

[spartan55]

You Greeks stick together

[DishLady]

Not necessarily, but our parents were in the same circles and we were raised the same strait-laced way.

[spartan55]

Straight laced... you?