My boyfriend prefers that we not sleep over after sex. . .yet. Strange?

[Anonymous]

Things are still going very well with my guy generally. We have been dating for about 3 months and see each other 3x a week and have very good communication. I was out of the country for the holidays for about 10 days but we were in touch with msgs every day and talked on the phone every other day. We celebrated New Year's Eve together (dinner and then went to a small party at my friend's place) and then most of New Year's Day too including hanging out with some of his friends.

Sex is still pretty good and he is very good about looking out for my needs there;) He also really just loves my body which is great. One little quirk and I guess it relates to that last post I had where he said he would go home rather than stay over (from a few weeks ago). After New Year's Eve he came over and we traded our xmas gifts. Then we had sex and I guess he had that thought again so he went hom quite late after. But we did then meet for brunch and spent the whole day together through 11pm on New Year's Day. He did bring it up because he realizes I might think it is odd. He said he thinks it is better to be slower than faster with the sleepovers. He said it's a matter of habits and he didn't want to start that yet. He said that's what he had to say on it but if I wanted to talk about it more, I should bring it up. Otherwise we are going for a long weekend in two weeks and he is very attentive, pays for everything still even if I offer. I'm just curious what you think about that?

Updates

+1 y

We have each stayed over at the others' place one time each. He communicates a lot and brought it up the next day at brunch (yesterday) and said if I want to talk about it more, I should let him know. I haven't taken him up on that. . .yet.

Updates

+1 y

Perhaps I should follow-up with him and tell him that we should slow down on sex too because it goes hand in hand for me? I mean if he wants to be careful on forming sleepover habits, I don't want him to form a habit of regular sex. . .and all. . .right?

[Atomizer]

I don't think it's fair to call him a "classic commitment phobe" if he's willing to talk about sleepovers, and has a reasonable explanation for wanting to take it slow.

Sometimes girls want to "play house" with the sleepover thing, and they start acting like you're a married couple after only a few months. This is partly because of the differences between men and women in sex, I think: women's emotions get more wrapped up in sex. So if you've got the female sex-emotional-attachment, combined with the "playing house" view of relationships, it can lead to very different expectations from the man and the women.

I think you're reasonable in suggesting that you slow down on sex, though. I also think it's best to wait at least 2-3 months before having sex with a new partner. Avoids situations like this, partly because women tend to assume sex means the same thing to the man that it means to them.

[BillyTheMountain]

I don't understand why you would purposely try to screw up a relationship that is working just fine. Playing house adds a whole layer of additional baggage. Consider waiting until marriage before moving in together.

[Anonymous]

I think your last update is very very true... but I can see where he comes from too... perhaps he is worried that some habits he has at his own place would bug you if you saw them if he happened to do them at his place... did that make since... cause when people start spending the night and eventually living together little habits may bug the shit out of you... but maybe he will come around maybe you should ask him exactly what he means when he says "sleep over habits" and if you feel the need to tell him what you said in your last update then I support you all the way ... keep me informed.

[30sGal]

This is a bit odd...are you sure he's not married? Have you stayed at his place?

Enjoy your weekend with him...maybe it will help to move things forward. I would say that after the weekend if he still doesn't sleepover you should really have a straight talk and let him know why it bothers you and you would like it to start even if it's just once out of the week for now. You need to see things progressing. Good luck.

[Asker]

I have stayed at his place once and he has stayed at my place once. I also traveled with him for a short overnight trip which he suggested. The weekend trip is in a few weeks but I just wanted to check on thoughts. No he isn't married. I see him often and we communicate often. I have met/socialized with him and his good friends as well and always lets me know what he is up to.

[ohsocurious]

you should definitely make him wait for the sex if he wants you to wait for the sleepovers.

[higurb]

I hate sleeping with someone else. They are always waking me up and I can't get comfortable. I'm also a very light sleeper. I toss and turn all night and anyone in the bed with me hates it.

Also after sex, when I ejaculate I really want to be left alone. girls want to sit around and talk or cuddle and I don't want to be touched. I would like it if she left the room and maybe turned the tv on so I could relax.

[bubblyblonde]

Classic commitment phobe sign I'm afraid.

[Asker]

We have had sleepovers 2x out of the times we have had sex. Now I haven't brought it up again myself. I know he has had two 4 year relationships and 2 2 year ones. What do you suggest I do here? Are you saying he is a lost cause?

[bubblyblonde]

I'd suggest you look into why he might be afraid of commitment. Get the book He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships ~ might help you understand some of the signs and what you should or should not do.

[Asker]

It's interesting because we see each other so much and are in touch every day and he has incorporated me into his life so I didn't think he had an issue so much. . .hmm. So I shouldn't directly ask him about it then? I'll look for the book online now. Indirectly, I was thinking about talking to him about his previous relationships and ask him why/how they ended. Good idea?

[Asker]

I bought that book and it sounds like him. . .yikes!