Does he really love his ex?... or is it just a mental obsession or security blanket?

[Anonymous]

I have this guy friend/f*** buddy/boyfriend call him whatever. We met 2 years ago and started off as just casual friends and the occasional sex. About a month and half after meeting him, I find out that he is "supposedly" still in love with his ex girlfriend. But wait, the pathetic thing is they dated 7 years ago, she left him for another man moved to AZ and now has two kids. They texted each other a lot because I guess she still is in love with him too. About 6-7 Months go by We get closer, more comfortable, attached, affectionate with each other. We learned a lot about each other, we did a lot together, we even met each others families and extended family. His Family loved me, My family loved him. It was as if we had been together for a long time. but THEN... these phases started to occur a lot. We would be so close, go steady whatever whatever, then he would out of know where start distancing himself, not calling me or texting me back, or just avoiding me somewhat. During this period he started talking to his ex again, but then after a week or 2 after I just stopped calling and texting he would get a hold of me out of no where like as if nothing ever happened, yeah we weren't as affectionate the first couple days as we were which made me feel as if I had to try all over again to gain what we gad all back. The good times would last about a month and then after that period of time he would go into his phase. Its been an on and off thing for quite a while now. And every time I get him back our relationship gets better and better but he still does his phases. He is the Love of my life, What could this mean? Does he really Love his ex or what? Why would he avoid me like that? Answers and advice of any sort please.

[Littletad]

I'm glad you feel this way about him. Your first sentence implied he's just a casual friend/sex buddy and nothing more. Well it seems he's been severely abused, at least mentally. He can't seem to come to terms with the fact that his ex is gone. I think somewhere inside himself he longs for the past. He reminisces about what could have been or being back with her. What's awful is that he's also dragging you along. What you are seeing when you date him, is a side of him that's aching to start over.

The only way you can help him is to suggest... talking to him and telling him that he is the love of your life. He needs to know your serious. He does sound... a little odd. I think he might need therapy if 6 years have passed and he's still grieving over the loss. He shouldn't be, he has you now. So basically, he needs to hear it from you that you love him. I know it seems selfish of him, and it is. But to you, he seems worth it. So don't give up on him just yet. He just needs help, and this something he really has to learn on his own. All you can do is motivate him. But he has to come to terms with what's in front of him. I know suggesting therapy is bad, he might get aggravated, but he really needs understanding. Just let him know and good luck. :)

[Shlei3]

I think that he is more in love with the idea of her and she with the idea of him. Perhaps they start talking and she says she wants to be back with him so he decides that it may work but for whatever reason their plans fall through so he goes back to you. He never fully got over this ex so it's hard for him to move on with that what if hanging about. If I were you I would have a straight talk with him and tell him that if he pulls away again the way he's been doing it than he better expect not to come back. It's not fair that you get pushed away like that. You deserve to be someone's number one instead of being the stand by.

[Asker]

I don't know what that guy is talking about, but I really agree and have been told a lot what your saying.. the whole idea thing. it makes sense knowing him. I've had talks and talks again. and I never know when we do get back in the swing of things its so much better than the last time so I think its all better now.. oh well..

THANKS for your input! :)