Prosopragnosia, or more commonly known as 'face blindness' can be a devastating disorder to have. At least socially.
Every one of us relies on our face recognition to get through every day life. You walk into a classroom, confident it's the one you're in because you recognise your classmates. You know what the regulars are going to order because you recognise them as being the ones to get a double shot black coffee with two sugars. You remember most of your cousins from last years family Christmas get together. You don't have to stare at your partner to try and remember who they are when you wake up beside them.
When you are face blind, you are just that. Blind to faces. There is one woman somewhere who I saw on tv one time, who has to ask her husband every day which of her kids was which because she didn't recognise them. She would then check what clothes they were wearing so she could tell them apart for the rest of the day. In fact it surprises me she even managed to marry the guy. Really he could have just been some random at the altar who just happened to sound the same as the guy she liked. She doesn't even recognise her own face in the mirror.
I suffer from face blindness. Definitely not to that degree, I do recognise myself and if I had kids there is no way I would forget their faces. But anyone else? Well I'm starting to think my brain has a rubbish bin dedicated to names and faces. I can't picture faces in my mind. Not my own, not my siblings, not my friends or parents. Not even people standing right in front of me. I can't visualise faces in my mind.
If you started talking to me about, say (looks up some random famous person) Adolf Hitler... No I know who that is. Hang on . . . ah. Wait, no. I know who Jesus is (who doesn't). Alright. Ask me who David Bowie is. (that's how you spell it, right?) I only know the name because everytime my friends bring him up and I ask who he is they give this almighty gasp and call me uneducated. I still don't know who he is. A singer? Actor? Somebody famous.
Anyway.
The point I'm getting at. I have a shit memory for faces. I have a variation of prosopagnosia. (Dammit that's hard to say. Want a tongue twister? Try saying that five times, really fast). The chick I mentioned earlier who doesn't recognise her kids, husband, or self, has apperceptive prosopagnosia. Meaning that she cannot make same-different judgements when presented with pictures of different faces. This type of face blindness is generally associated with being caused by an accident. A bump to the head that caused a degree of brain damage.
This is not my case, I personally have a mix between associative and developmental prosopagnosia.
Associative prosopagnosia typically refers to cases of acquired prosopagnosia with spared perceptual processes but impaired links between early face perception processes and the semantic information we hold about people in our memories. People with this form of the disorder may be able to say whether photos of people's faces are the same or different and derive the age and sex from a face (suggesting they can make sense of some face information) but may not be able to subsequently identify the person or provide any information about them such as their name, occupation, or when they were last encountered. (Yes that is a copy and paste. My brain is tired and I read it so it makes sense. This isn't a school project, I'm allowed to cut and paste if I wish)
Developmental prosopagnosia, also called congenital prosopagnosia, is a face-recognition deficit that is lifelong, manifesting in early childhood, and that cannot be attributed to acquired brain damage.
Okay, so now you know what it is, why am I writing this take?
I'm assuming that's what you're asking anyway.
Why am I writing this?
I have no idea. Maybe because my last take included me getting crabby about a teacher calling me a liar because I couldn't remember who I'd lent my book to.
(deep breath Bailey. In, then out, remember?)
I'm writing this because I am a little tired of the ignorance people seem to have about my condition. I am aware that this is not the most common condition, or at least, not one that people hear about. I didn't even know about it until that news story came on and it was like a light went off in my head. So that's why I never recognise my uncle. That explains so much. (Seriously, he and my dad look so alike it isn't funny. I used to use my uncles greying hair to tell them apart but now my dad's hair is going grey, it's gotten hard again)
A classmate of mine gave me her water bottle and asked me if I could deliver it to Matt. I've gotten used to having to ask people who someone is, though it is still embarrassing, so I asked her which one he was. Apparantly he was the blond tall one. Okay. I have the bottle, I'm chanting it in my head, blond, tall, blond, tall, blond, tall, blond, fuck. Somebody please explain to me how somebody is blonde when clearly they're not? All the guys seemed to have the same hair colour. The only blond guys were the twins, but she would have said twins if it were one of them. So, I swallowed my pride, thanked whoever for my inability to blush, and called attention to myself. "Which one of you is Matt?"
Of course I got the usual, 'Are you serious?' 'Is she joking?' 'I can't tell if she's joking or serious.'
I had to explain that I have troule recognising faces, I even told them how it took me over three weeks before I started being able to wave to my friend before she waved to me because I try not to wave to people I don't recognise. Meaning, I don't wave very often at all.
I did finally get the bottle to Matt, and quickly escaped the room and everyones stares. Of course when I had to return, I sat next to the two guys that I did recognise, and they asked me the standard, 'Do you know my name?'. I told them yes. I also told them that one I'd figured out the day before, and the other I'd learned a week ago when he'd commented on a characters name in a story I was reading, simply because his name was being used for a girl.
Okay, so some people might ask me what is the big deal? What's the big problem not knowing who people are? You are obviously fine when it comes to asking who people are, so it shouldn't be a problem, right?
Wrong.
I get anxiety before each and every class. I hate the idea of walking into a classroom and not hearing my name come up on the role only to find out that I'm in the wrong class. It has happened before. It's embarrassing as heck. I hate going to family get togethers because there will be people who I know I've known for years, and because of the length of time that I've known them for, I know that they would be offended if I asked their name. Especially when it comes to my family. We're pretty much all alcoholics for a reason.
I worked at Maccas (McDonalds) for a while, and while I never had a problem with customers, I had a problem with staff. One girl asked me to cover her shift, I agreed, because, you know, I actually liked working the longer hours. It got me out of the house, it got me money, and it let me shove it in peoples faces that the longer I worked the more energy I had and everyone else had the opposite. I mean I didn't make a thing about it, it was just very hard not to notice my bubbliness and inability to stop moving. Anyway. I accepted the extra shift and went on my day. Later, the same girl comes up to me to confirm that I'm covering her shift, and, of all things, I told her 'Sorry, I'm covering Siobhans shift that day.' And guess what she said. 'Oh, I am Siobhan.'
(Actually, just saying, the fact that I remembered even her name is astounding. I don't know how I managed it)
I hate it. I absolutely hate it. That look people give me when I get their name wrong for the umpteenth time, or when I ask them who they are and it's like the fifth time we've met. I hate the look I get if I ask for their name, or look at them with that blank 'do I know you' face. I absolutely hate it.
I'm never going to remember regulars at a customer service job. I'm never going to be able to tell straight up who my manager is unless they're wearing a different uniform to everyone else. I'm never going to stop embarrassing myself with my memory fails, and I'm afraid that I will like someone, someday, then forget who that someone is! I'm sure there is nothing worse than having a prospective love interest asking what your name is for the umpteenth time.
Plus, if my girl/boyfriend ever got a haircut without telling me, then showed up at my house and tried to kiss me or something, they will get punched in the face. Seriously. It would be akin to having a stranger try to kiss me. I would not recognise them.
Okay, I'm going to sign off now. But, one quick question for you.
If you suddenly lost the ability to recognise yourself, your family and the people around you, what would you do?
Thankyou all for reading, feel free to ask me any questions you may have.
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