Individuality is a fading concept.
The ceaseless, countless cries of "just be yourself!" seem laced with hypocrisy. Despite this omnipresent message, the majority are still desperate to conform. Ironically, conformation to rebellion can become the norm and that is precisely what has happened. It was once rebellious to get a tattoo; now it's commonplace and even an accepted rite of passage for many young individuals. Having a tattoo is no longer thumbing one's nose at the establishment. It's standard. Accepted. The next step is, of course, "traditional."
That's why when I read pieces like Umair Haque's The Myth of Attractiveness, I respectfully acknowledge and appreciate the manifest intent, which, in this case, essentially tells people that desperately attempting to conform to a universal idea of attractiveness is backwards. It explains how striving to be attractive doesn't really make us beautiful and in fact, such striving has the exact opposite effect. On the surface, it reads like the aforementioned rallying cry.
This, I applaud. However, I have an issue with the latent intent of the piece, the perhaps unintentional inclusion of one critical falsehood: The somewhat leading assumption that if someone is attractive, that individual can't be beautiful, that if others perceive you as a "pretty person," you are, basically, less of a person. Furthermore, it sort of ignores the reality of society and how interpersonal relationships operate, by forgetting that our self-image always hinges, at least partly, on how the rest of the world views us. It's very Disney-esque to say, "just be yourself and happiness will follow" because in theory, that's an ideal existence. But in practice, it sadly encounters some very human obstacles.
Returning to my first issue, regarding the implicit assumption that those who chase attractiveness won't be beautiful, or likely won't be loved by that one special person: I understand the sentiment. I certainly agree that the more we obsess over how others see us, the less likely we are to truly connect with someone simply because we have a flimsy self-image. A lot of the primping and posturing is about hiding our flaws as opposed to embracing our true selves, and only by embracing the latter can we give ourselves to another, completely and without reluctance. On the other hand, I have to bow to the Aristotelian concept of virtue vs. vice. While rashness and cowardice are vices, courage is the virtue.
In other words, the median, the balancing point, is often the best position. Yes, the girl who spends her life trying to look like Kim Kardashian and the guy whose ego would deflate like his overly sculpted pecs if he stopped going to the gym are caricatures. But the girl who simply gets some fashion ideas from Cosmo and spends some time selecting her daily outfit, and the guy who likes to stay in shape because he looks good in a t-shirt can, of course, be attractive and beautiful. Their pursuit of attractiveness isn't stopping them from acknowledging their flaws, and it's not about hiding. It's about feeling better about one's appearance and understanding that yeah, part of this game is indeed about competition.
There is always competition, my friends. In the realm of human interaction, when it comes to the incredibly complex process of perception (as anyone who has taken a Perception and Sensation class in college well knows), we are always weighing and measuring. It can't be helped. It's what we do. The person who is beautiful unto themselves and "shines like a sunset," without an ear or eye to the way he or she is perceived, is, in point of fact, a societal and cultural impossibility. Unless they're living in an entirely isolated environment, where they never have to experience the reaction of his or her fellow humans in an interactive scenario, their beauty and self-image will always be, at least in some small way, shaped by the reactions of those around them.
The key to enduring happiness is to play both sides of the game. You have to, if you wish to be part of society. You should absolutely express yourself, become comfortable in your own skin, casting an approving eye on your positive traits and a critical eye on your flaws. This leads me to one other minor issue I have with the piece, which is the slight whiff of the "I'm okay, you're okay" nonsense that has really only served to cripple an entire populace. We should always be looking to improve because all of us can improve. And if we improve, everyone around us will benefit, directly or indirectly. So, if we're exercising or eating better for the sake of improving our health, and we're also doing it to appear more attractive - yes, attractive - in the eyes of our peers, that is not a failing or a weakness.
Idolizing some widely accepted view of "pretty" or "attractive" and constantly trying to locate your identity via external influences is a fool's errand. I think we all know that. But we will forever be slaves to perception and the opinions of others; again, at least in some small capacity. It's part of the fabric of society because it wouldn't matter if every human alive woke up tomorrow and fully embraced Mr. Haque's idea of being "beautiful." Because we'd still go to a social gathering and inevitably, we would all, consciously or subconsciously, compare our "beautiful" to another's "beautiful." There's no point in battling reality. May as well accept it, live within the confines of humanity's strengths and weaknesses, and locate ourselves and our happiness within those boundaries.
Perception, balance. Take it all in, view the whole, and make your play.
Most Helpful Opinions