Dying to be Thin: My Struggle With Eating Disorders

[crazychickenlady]

When I was younger, my father often called me fat. I don't know why he did it, to this day I've never asked him, because I was most assuredly not an overweight child. I suppose compared to my younger sister, who was always rail-skinny when we were younger, I looked heavier, but I was older than her, built differently than her, and also still not fat. Still, the idea took root in my head, probably more so because as a child I was a perfectionist, an overachiever; if my father (and often my sister) were calling me fat, surely I was, and fat in that house was not an acceptable thing to be. I continued to struggle with body identity all the way into middle school, when I discovered a cure for all my woes.

My good friend Mia.

Now for those of you unfamiliar with the eating disorder community, Mia is the “friendly” name that people give to their struggles with bulimia; like giving it a cute name means you're not shoving your fingers down your throat and vomiting into the toilet after dinner, or popping laxatives left and right like they're chocolate. Let's get this straight, there's nothing “cute” about an eating disorder, it's a disgusting, ugly monster who doesn't love you. It'll tell you that it does, while whispering in your ear how fat and monstrous you are, all the while you're wasting away in your unending desire to make those doubts disappear.

I don't know if my family knows how much I was struggling with myself; they would often joke about me running right the the bathroom after we finished dinner, but whether they didn't care about what I as doing or simply never put two and two together, I don't know. Either way Mia and I were close friends all throughout middle school, but I still wasn't happy; puberty had caused me to become round and soft, complete with breasts that were so large they become the topic of conversation everywhere I went. I hated myself, I hated my body, I hated everyone. This was a bad time for me, and I remember just coming home and crying.

Why wasn't I good enough?

Eventually Mia and I had a falling out after I was hospitalized in the 9th grade for unrelated mental problems (a different Take for a different day), and they watched me like a hawk. Ensuring that I ate, and ensuring that no purging was taking place, I thought that my battle with eating disorders was done! I left the hospital on medication, in therapy, and optimistic that my life from that point on was going to be better! But you know, it being high school and all that it was pretty much as terrible has it had been before. I neglected my medication and my therapy, and though I didn't return to my former bulimic ways, my relationship with food was far from healthy.

I became the girl who frequently skipped meals, who lied about being hungry, the perpetually dieting girl that we all have in our personal life. No one worries about her having an eating disorder, but they should: sure it's not blatantly anorexia, but any time someone has an unhealthy relationship with food, it's cause for concern.

This continued all throughout high school into my early twenties, when my “cutesy” dieting turned into full-fledged anorexia. It became a game, “how long can I go without eating?”, and the things I did eat were very specific foods that I could not waver from. I remember texting a friend sobbing because I had gone out to a restaurant and nothing on the menu was something that I would allow myself to eat. All the while I got skinnier and skinnier, more and more compliments (“You look great!”) starting coming in, and at the same time I was still disgustingly fat. Of course I know now I wasn't fat, I was very underweight, and yet my mind would not allow me to see myself that way. I kept telling myself, just a little bit more and I'll be happy, I can stop, but that kept becoming a little more and a little more and there was no end in sight. My hair was falling out, I was perpetually cold and pale and weak, but in my quest for perfection I wasn't bothered.

And then, I moved out of my father's house.

A change in environment did for me what medication and therapy hadn't been able to do; by surrounding myself with people who loved and accepted me, I finally had the strength to fight back against my eating disorder. It took a long time, but gradually I allowed myself to eat again, to enjoy food, to enjoy life, to be the girl who didn't always say no to dessert, who let herself eat pizza once in awhile...

I let myself be happy.

I finally stopped looking at my body like my enemy, and finally started treating it like my friend.

I wish I could tell you that I'm completely cured, but an eating disorder is never something you fully recover from. I still have moments in my life where I will only allow myself to eat one certain thing, and sometimes I will still skip meals or go entire days without eating, but those are few and far between now. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, but I have to say that I'm at my happeist. I look back at pictures of myself when I was at the height of my anorexia, and sometimes I wish that I was that skinny again, but I force those thoughts away. I know that girl wasn't happy, and I will not allow my self-worth to be measured by a scale ever again.

I was lucky, but a lot of people aren't. Eating disorders can be fatal, and they're no laughing matter; there's nothing glamorous about an eating disorder, and being skinny won't make you happy, believe me.

If you or someone in your life is struggling with an eating disorder, please get help. Talk to someone, anyone, please don't suffer alone. Remember that you are so much more than a number on a scale or a pair of jeans.

"Get off the scale! You are beautiful. Your beauty, just like your capacity for life, happiness, and success, is immeasurable. Day after day, countless people across the globe get on a scale in search of validation of beauty and social acceptance.

Get off the scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because I have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life.

It’s true, the scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!” -Steve Maraboli

National Eating Disorders Association

1-800-931-2237 (Monday-Friday, 11:30 am-7:30 pm EST)

ANAD: National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders

630-577-1330 (Monday-Friday,12 pm-8 pm EST)

[dipta]

It's sad to hear that the skinnier you got, the more people complimented you, and that your own family was the source of your issues and not your strength.
Still I'm happy to know you've discovered a new haven and are now fighting for you. A healthier you.
I also sincerely hope you've no (physical) side effects from the lifestyle you led while growing up, since emotionally I'm sure it's something you will never really forget.
Don't give up!

[crazychickenlady]

Mentally and emotionally it's not something you ever truly recover from, but I'm getting a little better every day. Thank you!

[Fathoms77]

Very well done!

And parents who call their children fat deserve no respect from anyone. They're messing up their own kids, congrats. It's one thing to encourage the child to be healthy but to blindly insult is just... mind-numbingly stupid.

[FallOutBoy2001]

Same with parents who call their child stupid, useless, or unwanted. My mother calls my siblings and I that (I and my brother usually dodge being called stupid until she gets really angry or we're clumsy and miss something, which makes it hard on my sister who's the only one who gets called it with any regularity) and it sucks.

[Ratiocinative]

Anorexia is when you are so thin that your body has almost no fat reserves left and has to burn muscle for fuel. Skipping meals or even going several days or weeks without eating is not anorexia, it's called fasting. Fasting is very healthy and a very efficient way to lose weight. In fact, fasting has been show to help preserve muscle when losing weight, and I have body composition tests to prove that I lost 30 lbs in 2 months and 100% of it was fat.

I've struggled with body image issues and Bulimia myself in the past, but the solution is not to tell people to "get off the scale" and "feel beautiful". People gain weight/can't lose weight because they use food as stress relief, so you need to address the issues causing stress in your life so you don't need food as a stress relief. If you hate your job, don't get enough sleep, have no friends, and spend all day inside your house, then there is simply no way you can handle all that stress and will turn to food for comfort. Get a job you like, get a full nights sleep, and make some friends, and resisting the urge to eat for comfort will be easy and before you know it the weight will be gone.

[crazychickenlady]

Fasting and anorexia are definitely connected, and starving yourself in order to get skinny is anorexia. When you weigh 100 pounds and are sobbing because you accidentally ate a single potato chip, that is anorexia. I'm sure there are people who can selectively fast and stop when you reach your target weight, but for people with anorexia there is no target weight. All you know is skinnier, skinnier, restrict, restrict. I was ridiculously thin and it still wasn't good enough. My relationship with food will never be normal, but thanks for telling me that my eating disorder that nearly ruined my life was a totally valid and healthy way to lose weight.

[Kkaos]

That is complete and utter rubbish. When you first start skipping meals, it contributes to more fat because the body will store as much energy in the form as fat as possible in order to protect itself during the time that you decide you're not going to eat and then once you get through that phase will you start losing fat and it's not healthy whatsoever.

You want to lose weight? Cut out unhealthy foods, foods that are high in sugar and salt, processed foods. Do cardio every day, that's how you lose weight.

[Ratiocinative]

Fasting has nothing to do with anorexia, and fasting is not starvation either. Starve means to die from lack of food. No overweight person ever died from fasting, even if it was an entire month of not eating any food.

Fasting is the healthiest way to lose weight in terms of diet, but its not the only factor. If you restrict your calorie intake without weight lifting you will lose muscle, whether you eat nothing or eat 100 calories less each day. Some studies found that participants who restricted calories and did cardio lost weight, but as much as 90% of it was muscle.

I'm not trying to belittle your experience, I'm simply try to correct the incorrect information. "Eating disorder" is a misnomer because food is not the problem. If someone is underweight and still trying to lose weight, then that's a body image issue that needs addressed.

[RachelBrigs]

The medical term anorexia refers to a lack of appetite and or a very low body weight. The medical term ANOREXIA NERVOSA is a psychological disorder that leads someone to be obsessed with their weight, see themselves as fat, and have an unhealthy relationship with food as a result. Check your definitions son!

[RachelBrigs]

Also, I'm beyond confused as to why you're telling her not to use food as a stress reliever when her problem is NOT eating.

[RachelBrigs]

Anorexia (symptom)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_(symptom)

Anorexia nervosa (psychological disorder)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa

[RachelBrigs]

Also, starving is defined as SUFFERING OR DEATH caused by lack of food. Seriously, stop trying to use semantics to argue with OP when you're ignorant af to definitions

[Ratiocinative]

@RachelBrigs You're clearly the ignorant one.

anorexia nervosa
dictionary. com
an eating disorder primarily affecting adolescent girls and young women, characterized by pathological fear of becoming fat, distorted body image, excessive dieting, and emaciation.

Says absolutely nothing about skipping meals or fasting, and says exactly what I said it is. A BODY IMAGE disorder of which people diet excessively to the point of EMACIATION, the body image disorder being the cause and the emaciation being the result.

America is fatter than it's ever been, and it is far more common for fat people to think they're skinny, than for skinny people to think they're fat. Someone skipping a meal or fasting because that want to lose weight is NOT anorexia. The more false information about weight loss that you spread, the hard it is for people who truly suffer from body image issues to get help.

[RachelBrigs]

Are you missing the part where it said excessive dieting and fear of being fat? She's saying she was very thin but still EXCESSIVELY DIETING and THINKING SHE WAS FAT. She has/had anorexia nervosa. You're officially a dumbass.

[SinisterS]

Healthy not skinny. Strong and functional body not one that can't carry its own weight. If weight is problem not starvation but sport !!! I know few stories where sport "saved" girl for problems like this. One if even from my town girl fall in love with guy that is bit time in to fitness she started to train with him and eat now she is often wining first place in competition. Sport is great thing and people want to fix problem "easy" way not eating... well train little bit harder... You will have more energy you will be healthier and you will feel better about your self and your body, you will make good friends and you will be more confident. Unlike starving where you dont have energy for anything and can't really enjoy life... Hard workout can be though at start poinfull or sore muscles and all till your body wake up after that you will enjoy your new body you will enjoy hard training, have more energy and generally be more confident and happy. More serotonin, more joy and exercise can boost serotonin...
When i say sport is great thing i dont talk about doping and competitive sport i am talking about healthy version.

[Anonymous]

I used to struggle with bulimia. It was a silent struggle through my teen years. I overcame it by myself too. I remember people telling me how skinny I was and it made me want to lose more weight. I wasn't the fat girl anymore. I felt good about my body for once. Then one day I just didn't want to be that girl anymore. It was consuming me. No one knew what I went through still to this day.

Now I have hyperthyroidism and it made me gain all kind of weight. And often it's the first thing people notice about me. I've had family members point out how fat I've gotten since I've gotten sick with my thyroids. I sometimes get called fat in not so many words, and it hurts so bad. I never weigh myself cause it makes me sick to see the weight gain in numbers.

It's sometimes very tempting to just go to the toilet and let old ways consume me again. I tell myself I'm stronger than that.
I'll admit though I starve myself sometimes. So I'm not completely over my eating disorder. It's a battle.

Just thought I'd share my story

[Raymond_Reddington]

I attended summer camp with this little stick of a girl called Twila Stansberry. He'll of an athlete, capture the flag.. She had an unrelenting passion for fitness. Never skinny enough, a pound here, a pound there. Ran like a deer. Until she couldn't, could barely walk. Turns out she was anorexic. The disease caused her to lose her sight. I've never know anyone more obsessed with their body than Twila. Spent her entire life chasing something that destroyed her. She has taught me a valuable life lesson. Make sure your passion isn't your sickness.

[Jxpxtxr]

Beautiful mytake and you are such a strong girl!
I'm struggling with purge anorexia since I'm 13/14 and I still haven't recovered yet, the doctor said it would take about 7 years but since I keep relapsing it seems like I'll never reach that.. :/ sometimes I feel so weak and just wanna stop eating until it's all over but then I think about my friends and family and realise how selfish that would be. And although most people now know about anorexia, bulimia and other eating disorders I feel like they totally underestimate the difficulty of recovering from one. To me it feels like trying to quit a drug except that you can't just cut it out completely but still have to face it every single day in order to survive. That's why I really raise my hat to you for having stood through all this and having gotten so much better! You are such an inspiration, really! :)

[mds6387]

Or.. Or... or... You can tweak your diet to the following. You can eat lean boneless skinless chicken breasts, brown rice, and mixed frozen veggies prepared. You can prepare it in endless ways for endless flavors. You can literally gorge yourself on this three course meal and lose a ton of body fat while retaining lean body mass (muscle). To top it off, it would be advise to do resistance training to change your body chemistry. Doing so will cause carbohydrates to be converted into glycogen instead of fat. Glycogen is the fluid package that feeds the muscle tissue in times of repair. It's extremely simple to practice. No need to starve yourself at all.

[crazychickenlady]

Well I'm a vegetarian so I'll pass on the chicken~ but thanks for the advice. The thing about being in recovery is it can make healthy dieting or exercise tricky, as it's so easy to fall back into bad habits. Your relationship with food becomes so twisted. It's too easy to be like, if i lose weight on 1700 calories a day, it'll be easier to lose at 1000, and then that 1000 becomes 500... i neglected to mention the exercise addiction element as well, but it's a common struggle.

[mds6387]

Honestly, you're wasting my time, and wasting your own. You are going to fuck your digestive system, and your insulin receptors by not eating what you were intended to eat. Eating too many plant foods will have a very negative effect on your body. Also, you should only drop between 300-500 from your maintenance calories with no exceptions. 300-500 drop should net between 1-3lb drop per week. Our anatomy was mainly constructed for raw meats, but can adapt on cooked veggies in times of famine. Our bodies do even better on cooked meat of course.

[crazychickenlady]

I was merely showing you an example of my thought process when I get too into diet mode, but it's not something you'd understand obviously. Intrusive thoughts are a part of recovery, and a constant struggle. And I've been a vegetarian for 14 years, so that's not changing, but thanks though.

[mds6387]

You wanted an expert opinion, but still cling to mainstream ideology. Live how you want to live. It's not the first time I have seen active denial.

[RachelBrigs]

There is absolutely no need for animal products. They're a good source of protein and calcium and other nutrients but those nutrients are easily found in plant products. You're not an expert. Lol

[mds6387]

@RachelBrigs Yes, actually, there is a need to consume animal products. Our digestive system doesn't lie. Our digestive system was design to eat meat and cooked vegetation. Beef is the only source for vitamin b12. You are destroying your insulin receptors by eating your high carbohydrate diets. You will age horribly and will always feel sick and tired. Vegans are incredibly frail and their strength is absent. That's why you see mostly women jumping on the vegan train, because it doesn't hurt them "as" much, but over time it will catch up. The protein found in vegetation is not the same either, because most of them are partial or incomplete. Peanuts have complete protein, but how many calories would you need to consume to meet the daily requirement? Being vegan is far from healthy. How about people quit consuming refined products with simple sugars such as glucose, fructose, etc etc. Sugar is the root cause of obesity and sickness in America.

[RachelBrigs]

Literally nothing you're saying is accurate. B12 can be found in fortified grains/breakfast cereals and supplements. meat has absolutely nothing that you can't get elsewhere. Protein, b12, iron, calcium etc, all found in other foods.
Cooked vegetables are actually much less healthy by the way. Even for a meat eater, the recommended daily intake of meat is that of the size of a deck of cards. The majority of your diet should consist of raw fruits and vegetables, nuts, grains, etc etc. vegetables are the most healthy things you can possibly eat.

[RachelBrigs]

The most complete protein is that of rice and beans combined.

Both foods are vegan.

[MargaritaPeach]

This was a wonderfully written piece; I am so sorry for your struggles but in awe of your strength. You are beautiful, inside and out. Thanks for sharing this. I am sure it will help more people than you know.

[crazychickenlady]

It's something that is very important to me, and if i can help one person feel not so alone, then I'm glad.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for this take! It's hard for me to concentrate but I read some parts of this article! I'm 14 years old and I have anorexia nervosa, and sometimes I would also purposely vomit too. My parents also call me fat. And when I eat they say "Do you need to eat that?" And I often pass out from low blood sugar. I hate it, I want to stop but at the same time I don't want to stop because I want to stop being called fat. Especially I have more pressure since I'm 175cm and that's tall enough to be a model. I'm just not skinny. I'm trying to recover but my parents are always saying "Do you need to eat this?" Which makes me really sad. My cousin is a model too and it puts even more pressure on me. I want to get good grades at school too, but with low blood sugar so often, and I'm afraid of eating to increase it, it's hard to concentrate. I'm glad there's a take on anorexia! There's not many of these! :)

[FallOutBoy2001]

No matter how skinny you get, they will always call you fat, just know that

[crazychickenlady]

@FallOutBoy2001 Exactly. People like that in your life are insecure, and they try to make themselves feel better by dragging you down. I'm so sorry that you're in this position, but just know that you are beautiful, and that your body is not your enemy. It's going to be your closest friend you're entire life, and to need to take care of it. Next time you have those intrusive thoughts, think to yourself "would i say these things to my best friend?" If you wouldn't, don't say them to yourself. Please reach out to someone and get help.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for creating this take! AnD I'll try to start recovering. But it's really hard to.

[mrsingle]

I'm a guy and no matter what I eat I stay very thin. It's always been something I've been picked on about most of my life, guys made fun of me and girls didn't find me attractive. People think I'm anorexic so I get how people must treat you, it's not nice and they make you feel like garbage. Be how you want to be not based on what others think.

[Glitz_Glamour]

I love your Take ❤ It really gave me more insight into eating disorders. Reading your struggles reached my heart, because you have first hand knowledge of what people with an eating disorder go through. I love Takes which are personal to the writer , because they are written from the heart with candour. I value you that so much

[TotallyAlmost]

Well done. Obviously, I've never met you, but your post made me proud of you. And you look great, by the way.

[crazychickenlady]

Thank you so much for your kind words!

[Scrambledagain]

I suffered from bdd and I still have some muscle dysmorphia. It's the opposite of anorexia where no matter how big I get, it's not good enough. My profile pic... I think I'm way to small and I'm considering steroids. But it may make my skin flare up which will give me bdd, so I'm outIm options.

[Anonymous]

It happened a cousin of mine that wasn't fat and her boyfriend at the time used joke that she was fat and it made her anorexic. It's long time ago now and I remember her family were up for Sunday dinner and her mother fighting back tears to see her daughter eating. She is fine now thankfully and it shows how we treat others does have a baring on their life. I admire you coming forward and sharing your experience and how to get help.

[snowangle]

I'm very proud of you. Thank goodness you were able to get out of that toxic household and heal. I've never had an eating disorder, but I know it must have been so hard.

[YourFutureEx]

Is it something you "develop" yourself because of the circumstances & life experiences or some people are just born this way?

[crazychickenlady]

I think people with certain personality types are more prone, but I don't entirely know. I think my combination of perfectionism, my desire to please others and my intense anxiety made it easier for me to succumb, but i also don't think i would have hated my body so much if I hadn't been convinced there was something wrong with it by someone i loved and trusted.

[YourFutureEx]

So, how am I supposed to stop my kids from getting obese?

[crazychickenlady]

You teach them healthy eating habits! I just had someone calling an 8 year old girl fat without teaching me how to form a healthy relationship with food. What i became is a 27 year old who will eat nothing but olives for 3 days or realize she hasn't eaten anything since Sunday...

[YourFutureEx]

I see.
Good take :)

[JoyGirl]

I like your take. You gave some really interesting points. Well done! 👏

[4465loveyou5577]

Great take, I'm a nutritionist and I hope one day to help people with Anorexia.

[RachelBrigs]

This was beautifully written, I am glad you're doing better now. I hope you continue to get even better.

[TripleAce]

Wow that was intense

Glad you made a recovery. Keep up the good work

[vhbjn]

i swear if i ever have a girlfriend at all, i'll be a total douche and tell her i prefer thick girls so she keeps getting fatter while i fuck escorts and once she gets fat dump her so no one else wants her too :-D

[vhbjn]

@decentguy, yeh idea kaise hai bhai?

[Decentguy]

hahaha bare he kameenay hain aap hahahaha