Disclaimer: I always say that and I will keep saying it. This myTake is NOT meant to insult or make someone feel bad. It's supposed to make people smile. However, if you feel insulted, I can't help you, but I may be able to make you laugh, a bit.
Summer is upon us (at least where I live) and every gym is totally packed. No matter what time of day you choose to hit the weights, there are many people around you. There are the "normal" people and the, well, somewhat "weird" people. Those "weird" can be sorted into these funny gym types. So let's GO!!!
1. The gossip mommy
Favorite exercise: Every cable machine and cardio equipment. [MILFs excluded lads]If you like hitting the gym early in the morning, you will definitely see this type. They travel in packs of 2 or more. After dropping their kids to school they enter the gym, spread out, occupy every possible machine, especially easy leg machines, and start gossiping their asses off. Their favorite routine is 200 reps of bullshit, using 5 pound resistance, while yelling to the other mommies across the gym, so they can hear each other. Earplugs or extremely loud heaphones are highly recommended.
2. The 12 year old badass kid
Favorite exercise: 5lb dumbell bicep curls. They tend to pack the gym during the spring and close to the summer. Bad thing is they can't hit the gym in the mornings because of school so they literaly pack the gym during the afternoons and weekends. They come in packs and strictly follow the beginner's routine until they finish college. They tend to swarm one machine at a time but will quickly vanish if a strong guy approaches in order to ask how many sets they have left. They also tend to spy on you while you workout, using sneaky mirror angles. Sometimes they can freak you out...
3. The studs
Favorite exercise: Bicep Curls, Crossovers and Ab crunches. You can smell them the moment they set foot inside the gym. They are extremely flammable due to the high quantity of perfume. They use very light weight and between sets, they tend to roam the gym looking themselves in every possible mirroring surface there is. They tend to add random exercises if pretty girls are present in order to be close to them and they love giving advice, only to those girls...
4. The imaginary powerlifter
Favorite exercise: Cable machines and Bench Press. They somehow think they are extremely powerful but they avoid free weights as "they are bad for your joints". They tend to use cable machines and load the maximum weight possible. Then perform quarter reps while grunting with increasing volume. If they see someone stronger or more vascular they immediately tag him "STEROIDS". They work out 5 hours a day with 20 minute rest between sets and then hit the pub. Yet they blaim their bodytype for not making any progress...
5. The golden statue
Favorite exercise: Anything flashy. Ipad, Iphone 9s, Assics kayano 38, underarmor clothing, gold's gym straps etc etc.... If you add everything up, it's about 2000$. They like playing with their equipment between sets and they need approximately 5 minutes to relocate from one machine to another due the vast amount of high tech gadgets they carry. They mostly have greatly decreased sense of sight (too close to the phone screen) and hearing (too loud headphones) so don't bother talking to them. Radiation suits are highly recommended when working out close to them for apparent reasons.
6. The mine placer
Favorite exercise: Anything adjacent to many other machines. These people are cool but their main issue ruins it all. They tend to leave EVERYTHING they carry, everywhere possible. Shirts, towels, phones, water bottle, you name it. Everything is scattered around the gym, and people asking "Is this yours?" here and there, trying to find out who left their towel etc on their bench. Not only that, they tend to give you the yuck face if you touch or missplace their stuff. Seriously mate, you're lucky I'm not throwing these off the freaking window.
7. The treadmill zombie
Favorite exercise: Treadmill. They will set the treadmill speed to 50 feet per hour and walk until the treadmill decides to quit. Somehow they are already on the treadmill even before the gym opens in the morning. If you ask them how much they have left, you will most likely get no answer as they are probably dead...
8. The wtf ninja
Favorite exercise: Whatever this is... You can't help it. You must watch. You NEED to watch. You try to use the mirrors and study them carefully. They you ask your buddy "WTH is he doing?" Chances are, they have no clue either. They saw something like that online, or in a Bruce Lee movie, and they decided to implement it to their workout. It's dangerous to workout with heavy weights near them as you may accidentally laugh and the weight will crush you. Don't bother asking them for advice. You will have better results if you ask the 400 pound kid next door. And don't bother giving them advice as well. Better work out your entire body, and everyone else's abs with all this laugh, with one single compound retarded exercise....
9. The dinosaur
Favorite exercise: Cardio equipment and light machines. If you work out first thing in the morning, the gym will be packed with those. They enter, leave their fake teeth, hair and binocular-shaped glasses in their locker and let's get this party started! Their age is between 90 and 110 years old and the main reason they work out is to reach 91 and 111 years old. Plus because they have huge amounts of spare time as their grand grand children started their own families, so no need for them to worry. A gas mask is highly recommended as they emit poisonous gases due to extreme amounts of drugs and brocolli they consume on a daily basis. Don't bother talking to them as they lost their hearing back in their 80s.
10. The BRO squad
Favorite exercise: Bench Press and Bicep Curls. They come in large packs. You can hear them 2 blocks away. They yell at each other, talk on their phone using the loud speaker and push each other for no reason. In most cases, there is an alpha male somewhere in the pack that decides today's muscle group, chest or biceps and everyone else follows the alpha wolf like a mindless sheep. They tend to go crazy when a girl is in the vicinity even though noone has the courage to actually go and talk to her. They like braging about their favorite "Smooth strawberry multi-iso ultra filtered protein powder" and how it's better than everything else on the market. They also tend to make fun or "lesser beings" inside the gym but suddenly shut the fk up when the huge gym dude enters the premises. I wonder why... They also tend to perform a forbidden exercise, curling in the squat rack. Calming pills are the necessary pre workout if your gym is full of those. There is also a female version, called Girly Squad...
11. The gigaset guy
Favorite exercise: Pick 10 random machines and forget them for the day. You see a free bench, you get closer, you look left and right, you are about to sit and you hear a voice 50 ft away "I'm using this mate!". You get up, look around, approach the curl machine, sit and "Hey man, I'm using that too!". You get up again, go to the squat rack and remove a curl bar left there aaaaaaand "Hey man sorry. I was curling there!" Seriously WTF! These people occupy 10 different machines for their "ultimate-20-exercise-killer-mass-routine". And somehow they switch to the machine you were about to use! They tend to be jerks if you are the average joe but they also vanish or "act cool and switch to a different machine" if you are bigger than them.
12. The slutty nun
Favorite exercise: Smith machine squats and stiff-legged deadlifts. Thong underwear, if any. Tights almost about to burst. Buttcrack and pubic hair visible on purpose. Belly-out and boob-out latex sports top. Club make-up, nails on point and hairstyle ready for tonight's wedding. They tend to point their butts out during the entire set, while making "oh I'm cumming" sounds after each rep. After each set, they try to pull their thong out of their sweaty buttcrack and gently relocate theis boobs inside their sports bra, while checking their butt on the mirror. They really like being watched by guys but don't make the mistake and look too much as they will immediately call you "sick" and "pervert". How the fk am I supposed NOT to look lady? Your entire butthole is visible! Masturbation before the gym is a must or you won't be able to work out without the risk of poking someone else's eye out (not with the bar....). If your girlfriend is with you, you are officially single and if your boyfriend is with you, you are also officially single as well, plus sad with severe body insecurity issues. They tend to end their "workout" sooner if a "higher specimen" enters the gym.
13. The plaguespreader
Favorite exercise: Everything including a bench. Somehow a large % of this type forgets their towels back home. They are sweaty and smelly before the gym, when entering the gym, while in the gym and even after hitting the shower. The worst thing though, is those huge sweat stains on every machine they use that seem to stay there even after you burn the entire gym down. Even if you tell them they shouldn't sweat that much over the machines, they will say it's natural and that they're healthy. Remember to bring your pocket flamethrower to sterilize the machines before use and always remember to close your nose shut when walking past them. Nose plugs are vital in this case.
14. The stealer
Favorite exercise: Everything YOU are doing. You finish your 2nd set and put the dumbells down, wipe off your sweat and put the towel next to the dumbells and head over for a few drops of water. 20 seconds later you get back and your dumbells are missing! On the other side of the gym you see someone using them so you just wait as you think he just needed them for a quickie but no. He leaves the dumbells there so he can use them again. YOUR dumbells. This type of people are really annoying. They steal dumbells, machines, barbell clips, benches, you name it. If you notify them that you were using that, they claim they just saw it down there and nobody was using it. Go figure. Peeing around everything you are currently using to mark your territory, is highly recommended.
15. The buffer
Favorite exercise: Spotting and boosting morale. You can hear those people from outside the gym. 90% of their daily routine is walking around the gym in search for people in need, or even not, of spotting and help them while yelling them stuff like "CMON ONE MORE FKING REP! GOOOOOOO! GET MAAAAD" in order to force a couple more reps, even though they're the ones pulling the entire weight up. Similar to the common "Buffer" in mmorpg online games that simply exist in order to make others stronger. Earplugs and recommended here as well, and a lot of patience....
16. The bomb
Favorite exercise: Scattering multiple random plates and dumbells. You definitely know those people. They are the ones unracking every possible plate and dumbell, scattering them all across the gym floor, on the benches, even the toilets and just leave it be. If it's a big guy, you're officially screwed as your entire workout will be re-racking 800 pounds of plates in order to use the squat rack, or rolling the 200 pound dumbells away so you can use the bench. These people are just morons and they have no respect for others. Best thing you can do it to unrack plates all over the machine they are using or call a few "stealers" to mess up their pile of dumbells. Try to find the other dumbell now bitch!
17. The cuddly fit couple
Favorite exercise: Cuddling. Fitcouples are a trend and it's really cool. It's really fine to see couples having common hobbies and act like love birds everywhere but here we're talking for the high end, slimy fit couples. They enter the gym cuddling each other, they use the treadmill holding hands and
kissing every minute, they hop on each other while using the bench and hug each other during the whole workout. Except their slimy behaviour, they don't do anything else to irritate you. Thank god. Cupid arrow immunity potions are recommended.
18. The smartphone cyclist
Favorite exercise: Stationary bike. This type comes in all ages. From teens to ancients it's all the same. They enter the gym. Aim at a free stationary bike. Hop on. Set the speed level to minus 32, unholster their 10 inch screen phone and keep a steady 5rpm for the rest of the week. They don't hear or pay attention to anything else except their phone screen. Facebook, youtube, GaG (of course!), tinder and many more are always broadcasting live! The bike itself tries reminding them that they should "Maintain a steady 70-80 RPM" but it simply doesn't work. Apart from the fact that the bike is occupied for the rest of your annual subscription, they present no other danger.
19. The hulk
Favorite exercise: Everything that includes ALL 45 pound plates the gym has to offer. You know when they are coming. You can feel the earth shaking. The room suddenly becomes darker. And then you feel a huge presence behind you, casting a shadow that turns day into night. You turn around and you see a wall. You walk backwards, and you still see a wall. You move backwards a bit more and you now see that its actually a guy, that has legs for arms and no neck. "It" seems to be asking how many sets you got left. Those guys are huge and sometimes they seem intimidating to people put it's all about attitude. Unfortunately their grunts are enough to make you think you're working out in the colosseum, along with the other gladiators. Most girls just can't seem to work out next to them and just one stare is enough to scare away all the teens. What I really find enjoyable is that people actually ask them for advice like "How many grams of protein per day", "how long have you been working out" or "what exercises do you do for mass". Answers? "All of them", "Since the beginning of time" and "All of them again". Girls be careful here as even getting close to someone like that can cause you to instantly grow a mustache or increase your squat max by 100 pounds. I have no clue why this happens though...... ....... (more dots)...... .......
20. The selfie swordsman
Favorite exercises: Everything close to a mirror. 90% of this type are girls (sorry ladies!). Good sportswear, good body (most of the time), playmate attitude, 20gb sd card and selfie stick. Unleash the butt-kraken! Pic here, pic there, hashtags, butt pose etc. But once again, make the mistake of checking her ass you filthy perv! This girl is here to workout, not show-off! Shame on you. Make sure you watch out for the selfie sword. These things can easily poke your eye out, plus you'll spoil the booty pic. Essentials here are knight helmet, shield and generally high armor rating.
That's all folks! Hope you enjoyed. Feel free to leave your comments (troll ones are welcome of course) and ideas in case I forgot a type. Byes.