Life is our master. Life can be fun. It can be hard. It can be engaging or depressing. It can be all these things at different times. They say pain is there to teach you, and hardship means you haven't learned your lessons. That's generally true and a generally useful outlook in my opinion, although not an absolute. But let's work with it.
I see people who can wack golf balls making tons of money and getting girls while I'm sitting in an office making not that much although I have decent genetics and intelligence and everything. Not that I'm not bitter but I'm analyzing. It's amazing. It's amazing how the market allocates. There are other mega-successes in life. The creators, the music makers, the business makers, the inventors and devs. Just because someone is excellent or prosperous in one area doesn't mean they are that way in all areas or that they are generally happier or experience more pleasure- but many do. Let's boil it down to those.
There are some men who are studs, the ideal archetype, and beneath them the generally happy well adjusted type. Then there is everyone else.
I try to make myself into the best man I can be, and by best, I mean best for myself and for my loved ones, potential loved ones, community and the world, but not as a nice guy caving into the moral zeitgeist of nowadays, but where I get my pleasure too and first and foremost, but I try be the all around best and greatest. This involves body, this involves mind, skillset, position in a social network and market, karma (momentum) created. I have not been without achievement but it is nowhere nears the extreme levels of achievement that I crave- and crave to also have in balance. And if that has not been achieved, it forces me to analyze and wonder- because if I don't analyze and wonder, then I'll just be irritated and bothered. And so one could say I didn't put the same efforts in as the other guys or have the same focus or other elements, but then one could ask why not? We can just go up the chain. Different fathers, different life pressures at different times, etc. We could think about all these things, and we should, but the bottom line is desire exists.The Buddha tried to let go of desires, to alleviate his suffering, and maybe that is wise. I would like to not be attached to them, or to outcomes, but I would like to achieve, I would like to work at objectives, to aim and aspire for things. If I don't, I language, but I get the point about attachment.
I come short of my ideal and it kind of infuriates me, and it wouldn't necessary do so as much but I see other guys, winners in life, that make it look easy. When I burn the candle at both ends, I get sick. I have tried this. I need more sleep and as I sleep more, I feel better. But more sleep= less development. My job doesn't develop me a ton so I think I need to change, because that is a huge chunk of my day. I thought it was the right track when I started (public accounting) but turns out it is boring.
I'm not always a walking pile of misery as this post may make it seem. I am happy and feel good oftentimes- especially in the gym doing squats and barbell exercises (I might suggest a 5x5 program). In fact that is where I'm the happiest now. I have body goals. I'm not the leanest (15% body fat, 6'2 and about 205 pounds). I'm not super buff but I'm not skinny either. I have some size and I expect this new program to help me grow. But I describe this facet of my life to make several points. One is that I'm on a track here. I'm on a track in some other areas, so I know the train is on it's way to somewhere better, so that the momentum can kind of carry me. I still do the work but it is routine work that I don't have to make changes for. My job will take me somewhere better too over time. That doesn't mean it's a good enough place or that I don't have to work or shouldn't think about changing, but that I'm on a track that goes somewhere, and this feels good, so I'm not as depressed as I was earlier in life. It's not good enough, but it's something.
The other aspect of this weightlifting is no matter how poor you are- and I'm not poor. I am able to save monthly following Dave Ramsey, I'm getting equity in my houses, etc- you can still benefit and feel free by lifting weights. No matter how stressed, you go to the gym and grab a barbel and it feels good. Note that I have not found other exercises that work like this. Cardio doesn't do it for me, but maybe it does for you. Random programs don't do it, like machine weights. I enjoy other things. I have enjoyed zumba and enjoyed soccer, and I love jiu jitsu grappling, but they are not equivalent to this weight lifting thing- for me. But there is something even more special. After a workout, which is catabolic, and I drink my shake which shifts my state to anabolic and tired, I get in the shower, and my mind becomes peaceful in a different way and naturally meditative and reflective. I can shower there in the gym for 30 minutes just thinking, peacefully. It almost feels like an elevation, a meta-level of mind, wherein hopefully I can kick myself out of old patterns.
But every day I'm hustling, just to keep my car running, or collect my rent. OMG collections- you might have earned money but until you collect it, you don't have it. So many fkers make excuses or try to short you. Mostly they are good people, but collections are a whole element. Just because you did your part fair and square doesn't mean you're getting paid. Keeping up at work, not being bothered by stresses, that are probably cortisol derived. All this just to maintain, kind of, and we're not anywhere near stud level or dream job level or even challenging and kinda fun job level.
I actually wanted these problems believe it or not, and now I have them, and I'm happy about that, because they represent a much better place than where I started. I started as a rich kids son, but not a rich man who earned it by being smart or whatever. A rich man who inherited it. My dad, the softest guy I know, but whatever. He's nice too. But I grew up without gravity, without a basis in life, and they also repressed me socially and sexually so I wasn't even wild enough. You see I have had a lot to get exposed to, so now at least I feel connected and I can grow from here. But I still have to grow, and it's not magical. It's not like jack and the beanstalk. I have not found the method, at least not to grow quickly, or I would have done so and be mentoring. I may have not had as much courage as I should have in choosing paths. I chose conservative paths, and they do return stability and security, which is nice when you have multiple mortgages to cover- although only one of which is personal. What did I expect? I was maybe a fool for expecting certain functions and methods to return what they were not designed to return. Accounting is designed to return security and stability but you pay the price in other ways. Oh well. But the stud level, or even the happy man level. It is multifaceted and I haven't even scratched the surface, and I haven't discovered the solutions or I would already be there. I think most men who are really successful at life might have become really good at one thing, and after that is settled, then they can branch out, after they've been paid their reward in that thing by society. Then they can start opining or whatever. Or sometimes society makes them stay in their box. Some men are just genius and know how they did it. Others I think are fortunate in that they just found a path and worked hard, and it opened up to them. I don't use the word luck, because things don't just fall in anyone's lap, but I mean come on man, everyone desires greatness, not just the people who became great. It's not like you or I don't desire these things. It's not like we didn't work hard. At least that's true for me. Or at least it's not like we don't have the desire to work harder, or have the desire for that desire. I'm not lazy but take a man that's lazy and unhappy. It's not that he loves being lazy. I guess maybe there is truth in the outside force theory, that we are objects that need to be acted on by an outside force? I Don't know. I hate liberal self-pity. That's not where I'm coming from. It's more like a philosophical thing.
I want to be up there among the men of renown, the talented, strong, charming, and leave a legacy, and have a family. I actually want a big family. I have nada, and I feel ok at the moment about that fact, although for men too the clock ticks, but at the moment I'm not stressing about that. I'm stressing about my life overall, my work, lack of meaning in it, etc. I also know and understand that I am the fortunate one int eh world by the numbers. I get that too but that misses the point, because I do consider that. Maybe I should consider that more. Those thoughts do lift me up psychologically, but they don't necessarily lift me up physically or socially or economically. I think you need balance there. I like to think I'm grateful and understanding of my blessings.
I journal and all that, but squats. Squats are king.