Best way I know is with a trip to the pharmacy for an Oil Retention Enema. It goes up your butt using the attached applicator and it softens the stool and lubes everything. Hold it in for about 15 minutes while you tell everyone to stand back, lol.
Just sayin' it works. Good luck that's painful I know.
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The fastest way it to take a laxative. There are plenty of different types you can pick up at your local drug store. It sound like you will need a pretty powerful and fast acting one so I would suggest a suppository.
Lots of water and fiber. Eat a lot of bran cereal/figs and hydrate yourself a lot.
But check w/a doctor first. That sounds unhealthy. Like call a nurse hotline and make sure that the info I just gave you is a healthy/good idea.
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That's pretty funny, maybe you should have someone step on your stomach and see if it shoots out.
maybe take pain killers!
Prune juice
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