What we do to sabotage ourselves?

[Anonymous]

It's easy to point to other people to creating our problems in life, especially in dating. While I do think some people are more fortunate than others (whether it be genetic good looks, personality, money, etc) at lot of us go to far to blame circumstance. Truth is things do go our ways. We have been given golden opportunities. But how do we sabotage ourselves?

I had opportunities to hook up with some very awesome women in the past. They didn't happen often, but they were there. I even had a famous girl flirt with me a bit (I got her number) in a athletic competition. I was too intimidated to call her.

In college a few times I had very attractive girls smile at me. I once kissed once of the top 3 hottest girls on campus...but I started quivering. I felt like "she is out of my league".

The knee jerk reaction would be confidence issues. But that's too easy to say. I guess I felt like I deserve worse.

I even got together briefly with a girl I really like a lot a year ago. For the first time she was making sexual comments about me. Something I wasn't used to. I got nervous. Although that's what I wanted all along.

So truth be told, why do we sabotage ourselves? Why do we think we deserve less? I see both men and women go "slummin". And no offense ladies...but I have seen you girls pass up countless decent men or something a step above pond scum.

What have you done to sabotage yourself? What could you do better?

[l-hedoniste]

Sometimes, the obvious answer is obvious for a reason.

Fact is, you had a chance, every time, to at least try for the girl. Maybe your chance of success is slim. Maybe she's even the kind of girl for whom everyone's chance of success is slim. Wholly beside the point, because when you chickened out, your odds of failure spiked to 100 percent.

Maybe she would have shot you down. Maybe she would have politely declined. Maybe she would have friend-zoned you. Maybe, just maybe, you had a real shot. Maybe, at a minimum, you could have learned something, tried something, made her smile, persuaded her to give you a chance. Instead, you shot yourself in the face.

You have to get over that fear of failure. You have to believe you have a shot; whether she's hot, average, or warpig, flopsweat stinks. Go in, give it your best charm, and get what you get. It's the only right way to do things.

[Asker]

that's a good response. But in two of these past scenarios I did man up and went for broke. I got the response I was dreaming of getting. But while things were momentarily going the way I wanted, I subconsciously got extremely jittery. It's some sort of backward "toxic shame" issue. I don't know how to explain it. But in these scenarios this problem surfaced it's ugly head.

[l-hedoniste]

So do it again. And again. Solve this. The only way out, is through.

[whatson]

Oh god I do this everyday, not just with relationships but with everything. I have had some really amazing opportunities thrown at my feet, all I would have to do is send an e-mail or make a call but do I do it? Nope (and I'm not a lazy person). I turn down my parents when they try and help me pay for things no matter how badly I need it. I turn down help of all sorts even turn down water when I'm at other people's homes. The sabotage always feels like the right thing to do in the moment but rarely works out well.

I would be interested in reading about this, I have never done a literature search about it.

[Asker]

I was listening to a good audiobook called "thou shall prosper" today. At the end the author is talking about how our self conscious punishes us for things we did wrong in the past. He gave an example about how accident prone children are usually sheltered and spoiled by their parents. They are getting away with things most other kids don't...and so their self conscious does things to punish them.

[Catie101]

i turned down opportunities to hang out with close guy friends but didn't go because I was too nervous to go to their place. I turn down food and drink offers when I'm starving or thirsty just because I don't want people to go out of thier way for me.

[Asker]

and part of you regrets this?

[Catie101]

yes. I've gotten sick for going so long without eating cause I said I was fine when I wasn't and I was so sheltered and barely had any interaction with others because I was afraid.

[Asker]

sounds like you are afraid of food? I've had to cut weight for sports (I used to wrestle and also a MMA fighter). Being hungry is no fun.

You look very pretty in your pics. I don't you have to worry about getting any thinner. Remember its the GUYS opinion that matters, not other bitchy girls. I think you look good. :)

[Catie101]

its not that I'm afriad of the food but more the people :P I know I don't need to be any thinner nor do I want to be, but thank you. you're very sweet :)

[Anonymous]

what a fantastic question. bout time!